July 17, 2014

Dear Franklin BBQ: Where’s The Beef? Seriously. Where The Frick Is It? Cuz It Sure As Shit Ain’t In My Face Hole.

A few months ago my friend Rachael and I went to Austin to spend the night in a treehouse at Cypress Valley Canopy Tours (photos and videos to come at a later “when-I-get-my-shit-together” date)

Well, when we were there we also tried to get some Franklin Barbecue because the hype about this freaking meat is making me turn into a starving and ruthless animal.

This place has been getting a lot of press and the word on the street is that they have THE BEST BBQ on the planet.

Now, I’m not one to get into this kinda thing. I’m sort of like “If everyone else wants it then I don’t want it because I’m cool like that, yo!”

But they got me.

So we went.

But when we got there they were out of meat.

franklinbbqfm551w

Ummm…bite me.

WTF? I come to get some sweet sweet meat and am DENIED?!?!?!?

Ummm…Screw you, Franklin.

So I turned on them.

Yeah, I still wanted the meat, but I didn’t WANT to want it.

Then I went all googly up in here and read that you could pre-order a shit ton of meat online and pick it up with no wait.

So I got online to oder enough to theoretically last me 3 months, but realistically last me through one lunch.

And guess what?

SOLD. OUT. ONLINE.

So I was all “GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, FRANKLIN!

BUY A CALCULATOR AND CALCULATE THAT SHIT!

BUY MORE MEAT, ASSHAT!”

Yet still, I could not give up.

Oh yeah, I knew what they were doing:  Make the meat hard to get and everyone will want it more.

I. Get. It.

That’s the motto of every douchebag on the dating scene.

Yeah, I KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING.

But still, it was working.

So Rach and I made a plan that later this summer we will do an early as shit, pre-dawn road trip in our PJ’s to achieve our meat goals with the caveat that if we went though all of that and DID NOT GET THE MEAT, we would riot.

I’m talking a nationwide, news worthy, PMS-ing hungry moms FREAK OUT.

Then a few days later I went to the movies with The Hub and we saw “Chef.”

I was LOVING this movie.

I totally dig Jon Favreau and Bobby Cannavale and I was totally digging the whole thing.

Then it happened.

Jon’s chef character went to Austin to eat some freaking Franklin BBQ.

And guess what?

HE DID NOT WAIT IN ANY FLIPPIN’ LINE.

And did they have enough meat for him?

Well, well, well…YES THEY DID.

In fact, they had enough meat for him to take with him to make sandwiches for hundreds of people.

What a crock of poop.

So I started freaking out in the movie and telling The Hub that THAT was the place that denied me the damn meat.

I started punching his arm just because I was frustrated and he shushed me and if I, like a 4-year-old, cannot use my words, I use my fists.

My body was exploding with (some may say ridiculous) rage (I blame PMS).

THOSE MOFOS DENIED ME THE SWEET SWEET MEAT AND NOW THEY ARE IN A MOVIE?!?!?!?

But I calmed down, thankfully, after a few days when my bloat and cramping went away.

And then one morning last week, it all came back.

This morning I got my coffee, sat down to relax and watch my Today Show, and what the frick do I see?

Obama eating some g-damn Franklin BBQ and buying enough for everyone in line behind him.

Yep. Franklin is getting even MORE famous,which is only gonna make it more difficult for me to get the freaking meat.

Thanks a lot, Obama. Why can’t you just go to freakin’ McDonalds like Clinton?

Momma wants her meat.

And she wants it with as little effort as possible.

But if I have to run for and win the presidency in order to get that flipping meat, I will.

I WILL DO IT!

Then after I eat enough meat to require hospitalization, I will force them to make enough for everyone in the USA FOR FREE.

All day err day.

FOREVER!

Or at least until I get impeached.

Which should be about 3-7 days after I am sworn in.

Okay.

Maybe 2.

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9 Responses to “Dear Franklin BBQ: Where’s The Beef? Seriously. Where The Frick Is It? Cuz It Sure As Shit Ain’t In My Face Hole.”

  1. Jennifer Said:

    I would be infuriated! I have to be “in the mood” for BBQ, so if I would have gotten all ready to dive into a nice, meaty dinner, and was denied, I too would have gone ape shit up in there!! Why have a BBQ joint and mis-calculate the amount of meat you need to BBQ?? Obviously your shitty establishment is making headlines in multiple places, therefore you would tend to think the fools would INCREASE their product production! I am sure I would still go out of my way and travel for hundreds of miles to try the tasty meat … but I’d be pissed about doing it. Who in the fuck has a BBQ that runs out of meat!?!? That is like a fucking Coldstone running out of ICE CREAM! And … now I want me a big “Love It” tub of fucking Coldstone. Well this took an unfortunate twist …

  2. Kerri Said:

    I’m right up the road and can sit in on a protest if needed. I mean, I have tried several times and have YET to taste the sweetness of it all. DAMN !!!

  3. Bere Said:

    OMG you’re so funny! Specially because yesterday i watched the episode of House of Cards where Freddy’s BBQ Joint gets super famous because the vice president goes there… 😀

  4. Donna Said:

    Come to Williamsburg, VA and try some Pierce’s Pit BBQ. We will welcome you to town and I promise, Pierce’s won’t put you in some daggum line and then tell you they’re out of sweet sweet meat.

    P.S. What is supposed to make Franklin’s great?

  5. Steph Said:

    You are like my favorite nutcase in the world. Good luck with the meat situation.

  6. Carrie Said:

    I live in Austin.

    Yes, I do.

    The office wanted Franklins so we had to order in advance.

    3 MONTHS IN ADVANCE.

    Yep. It’s just the way it is. But I’m with you. There is no shit worth waiting in line (like these fools here do for it) or waiting for 3 months. Nope. Nothing.

    It’s stupid.

  7. Jon Said:

    Our local Dunkin’ Donuts is almost always out of donuts. They are Dunkin’ Nonuts. I wish we had BBQ here.

  8. Kristine Said:

    I would vote for you on that campaign promise alone.

  9. April Riggs Said:

    HA!!!
    Heifer please. I live here and I’ve never, ever stood in line for that meat food. I have eaten it – someone was kind enough to stand in line for 8000000 hours and I got some of the left overs. It was good, but I wasn’t wishing to dig up my dead dad to tell him about it. And we’re TEXANS.

    Go to La Barbecue, it’s amazing and less of a line. For now.

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