March 3, 2014

Things we yell at our kids.

Once you become a parent it seems like 99% of your day is spent saying “no” and yelling at your kid’s to stop doing something stupid.

It’s never-ending.

And the reason that you have to say it so much, is because kids are idiots.

And before you get all pissy with me and unleash the BOLD CAPSLOCK FURY all over my blog, let me elaborate:  We are ALL born idiots and our parents are here to keep us alive and well until we learn to NOT be idiots.  We can’t help but do idiotic things because we don’t know any better. Everything is a new curiosity to us and we think we’re invincible. Little by little we grow and learn to stop trying to lick floors and stick random things up our noses. And sometimes, well…sometimes we don’t grow out of it. Just sit down and watch a few episodes of Tosh.O if you want proof of that.

I recently posted a Facebook status where I said that I had to tell The Boy to stop trying to shove The Cat down his pants.

The Boy is 12.

A few months ago he asked me if he and his friend could video tape themselves jumping off of the roof.

So the growing out of it? It’ takes awhile.

Ever since he could crawl I’ve been calling him out on his idiotic behavior. The amount of things he’s tried to do that could have injured or killed him is staggering. And the amount of things that he’s done that have made me want to vomit, are even more so. “Stop eating that dog poop!” was just one of sooooo many.

Anyways, after I posted that status about The Cat in the pants (that sounds like the name of a kick ass kid’s book), I asked my readers to tell me some of the things that they’ve had to yell at their kids recently.

I was not disappointed with the results.



-Stop eating the stick of butter. 

-Do not microwave the cats.

-Don’t sniff your brother’s butt.

-Stop licking the stove.

-Please don’t lick the dog.

-Did you just eat bird poop?

-Stop trying to hump your brother.

-That hole is NOT for fingers.

-Don’t bite the couch!

-Stop biting the dog!

-Get your finger away from the dog’s butt.

-Quit doing Gangham style naked.

-Stop trying to pull your brother’s penis off!

-Please don’t pee on your sister.

-Take garbage out of your mouth.

-Don’t bite the cat.

-Get your finger off the cat’s butt pucker.

-Cat Chow is NOT an afternoon snack.

-Get your hand out of your pants.

-Don’t try and pull the dog’s tail off.

-Don’t you shit on my carpet!

-Stop licking the television screen.

-Stop licking the side of the house.

-Why are you naked and trying to shove a cupcake in my mouth?

-Don’t make balloon animals with your balls at the dinner table!

-Stop licking your brother’s butt!

-No, your poop isn’t going to be chocolate flavored no matter how much chocolate milk  you drink so please don’t try it.

-DO NOT pee on the dog!

-Don’t rub your french fry on the floor.

-Stop putting your sandwich in your shoe.

-No, you may not take the peanut butter into the tub with you.

-What’s in your nose? Is that poop?

-You can only be naked and touch yourself if you go in your room.

-Don’t let your brother eat your toes!

-Quit painting with your poop right this minute!

-Don’t eat your shoe.

-Don’t wipe your nose on the dog/cat/me/fork/any other usual household object.

-Stop rubbing your forehead on the carpet.

-Please stop playing with the dog’s vagina.

-No, the cat doesn’t want to be blue.

-Quit singing songs about titties, farts, buttholes, and privates!

-Stop trying to put your buttholes on each other!

-Don’t put that up your nose!

-Stop trying to put the cat’s head in your mouth.

-Where is my cat? What do you mean she’s in the dryer? How long has she been in there?

-Get your finger out of there. (“There” could be ANYWHERE.)

-Who licked the butter?

-Why did a spoon just come out of the icemaker?

-Why is there bologna and cheese in this pillowcase?

-That’s not bacon, that’s CAT HAIR! Keep it OUT of your mouth! (My two year old pulls hair off the cat and says “Mmm bacon!” and eats it.)

-Don’t beat your brother in the head with Mr. Potato head. You’re gonna wake him up.

-Don’t rub grilled cheese on your head.

-Can we please not freeze mud and sticks in mommy’s coffee cups?

-Why is your blankie in the freezer?

-No, you cannot ride the skateboard down the staircase railing.

-Stop licking your armpit!

-Please do not touch the puppy’s “lipstick.”

-How many times have I told you not to use your moose as a weapon?

-Stop licking people.

-Stop hitting the cat in the balls!

-Don’t sit on your sister’s head.

-Don’t pour your orange juice on the dog.

-Stop peeing on the dog!

-Don’t swear at nana.

-Don’t put the pencil in the cat’s butt.

-Don’t pee in the heat vent.

-Do not sniff the dog’s butt to say “hi.”

-No, you can not go out the doggie door and pee with them again.

-We don’t hang off of the fan blades!

-Stop trying to flush the cat down the toilet!

-What do you mean the cat fell out the window?

-Take the cat out of the microwave.

-The dog will poop out your tooth and we will find it and wash it off so that the tooth fairy can bring you a dollar.

-Get your toothbrush out of the oven.

-Stop licking the van.

-Please don’t swing the poo.

-If you hit your sister make sure you have a reason.

-Stop! There’s poop on the umbrella!

-Stop eating snow off the bottom of your boots!

-Stop putting things in your butt. It’s not a pocket!

-Stop twerking in the dog’s face.

-Sleeping with tacks on your pillow might not be the best idea.

-Don’t eat your sister’s boogers.

-Get your butt off your sister.

-We don’t touch other people’s heinies. No. I don’t care that they are squishy and make you laugh. Just no.

-Take all those bandages off the cat.

-Get that sword out of your nose!

-Stop putting your hand in your butt crack.

-Underwear does not go on the Christmas tree.

-Don’t put your sister in a suitcase.

-Stop biting the recliner!

-Stop sniffing the dog’s butt.

-Stop licking the dog’s teeth.

-Please get your finger out of your butt.

-Quit playing peek-a-boo with your penis.

-Don’t lick the cat.

-Get your tongue out of your nostril.

-Don’t color your sister’s vagina.

-Don’t put your light saber in the toilet.

-Don’t eat food out of your sister’s shoes.

-Don’t sniff your cousin’s genitals!

-Get the hamster out of your pants.

-Stop rubbing your wiener on the door frame.

-Let your sister out of the dog cage.

-Why is there poop on the wall?

-Mommy doesn’t want Graham crackers down her pants right now.

-Don’t put chap stick on the dog.

-Don’t pry open the dogs mouth and reach your hand down his throat to get your gum back.

-We do not put rubber bands on our penis.

-No, I will NOT sniff your finger!

-Please don’t poke your finger up my nose.

-Your hair is NOT a napkin.

-Do not drink out of the toilet!

-Get the cat out of the dishwasher!


-Keep your penis away from my computer!

HUGE thanks to all of my hilarious and amazing readers for sharing with me. xoxo


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28 Responses to “Things we yell at our kids.”

  1. sophie Said:

    This has got to be the most hilarious thing I’ve read in ages (except your posts on facebook, they are always hilarious!)

  2. China Gabriel Said:

    Oh my goodness! I peed on myself! Too freaking funny

  3. Lisa Luke Said:

    I have to add Don’t pick your sisters nose!

  4. RachRiot Said:

    It’s frightening how many of these I have actually uttered. Thank gawd we don’t have a cat.. but yeah, pretty much everything else.

  5. Christina Oshier Said:

    I catch myself saying all kinds of things I never thought I would say. My favorite is still the day I realized I was standing in the middle of the house yelling at the top of my lungs “WE DO NOT YELL AT EACH OTHER IN THIS HOUSE!!!!”. I started laughing so hard the kids thought I lost it and behaved the rest of the afternoon.

  6. Stacey Said:

    “don’t eat the dog/ cat food” should be one! I’m pretty sure my son was convinced he was a dog when he was around 1 1/2 or 2.

  7. nicole Said:

    LOL.. wish I’d gotten in on this. My kids are nuts! Just yesterday I had to tell my 4 yr old to stop trying to light her sister’s hair on fire. (Rubbing 2 sticks together with her sister’s hair between them). A few weeks ago I yelled “whoever is putting pancakes in all my pockets, its not funny and you’d better stop!” Lol.. They’re nuts I tell ya!

  8. Stephanie Said:

    To my daughter: “He didn’t kick you in the penis. You don’t HAVE a penis!”

    Also, “peen” is not shorthand for penis, just, no.

  9. Jennifer Said:

    Get your hands out of your pants; you do not have your own built in worry stone.

  10. Amanda B Said:

    To my 2yr old:

    Please dont tickle mommy when she’s trying to go potty. Its kinda creepy.

    Please dont jump on/smash/hit/pinch/kiss/squeeze/jab/poke mommy in the boobie- IT HURTS MOMMY! And its kinda creepy.

  11. Jaebird Said:

    Don’t vacuum your brother’s head!

  12. Heather Holter Said:

    I can relate to so many of these, my daughter puts her blanket in the freezer a lot,my son wipes boogers on everything and thinks it’s funny to touch peoples butts,and they all abuse the cats. I would add “don’t eat popcorn/candy out of the couch”.

  13. Tiffany Said:

    And here I thought I was the only mom yelling at my kids to not stick things in our dogs butts, and pleading with them to all put pants on LOL

  14. Jesse Kimmel-Freeman Said:

    OMG so funny because I can relate! Some of things I’ve yelled over the 6 years of having kids are ridiculous! And always afterwards, I stop to think, “Did I really just say that?”

    A regular one around here is “Don’t pinch my gummy cheeks!” – gummy cheeks are butt cheeks… LOL

  15. Laurinda Willis Said:

    To my sons “stop giving each other bleeding noses!”. Four times in one day!

  16. Laurinda Willis Said:

    “give daddy his crutches back”

  17. Laurinda Willis Said:

    When both my son’s had a cold, they wanted kisses and cuddles, but I said to wait while I get a tissue because you’ve got boogers. This turned into a game that lasted a couple of years called “kiss me I’ve got boogers!”

  18. shannon chaney Said:

    Hilarious!! I’d also like to add, “Stop hitting me in the face with the tampon,” and we don’t eat daddy’s shoes.” I said both of those today.

  19. Nanea Said:

    After reading all of this I feel really bad for all our cats & dogs LOL

  20. Angelica Said:

    “Don’t eat ice cream off the floor!”

    “Why is there salt in my tea?”

    “For the love of all that’s unholy: quit playing drums on the wall and go to sleep already!”

  21. Cassie Janes Said:

    I’ve said a few of these. Most recently I hear a scream from the bathroom. Brother #1 ( age 7) was standing up peeing as brother #2 (age 4) was sitting on toilet. Had to use, “DONT PEE ON YOUR BROTHER!”

  22. Lisa Purple Said:

    My son was almost 3 when I had his sister & he noticed that I wore “Mommy Diapers”. I was breastfeeding sister when I didn’t hear him playing so we went to check…he had taken a whole new package of pads out of the paper & stuck them to our trailer hallway walls. I said “Why on earth would you waste mommy’s pads?” He replied, “walls are soft now Mommy”. Oh dear Lord; he’s now 22 w/a 5 month old…can’t wait to see their escapades!

  23. Michelle Said:

    I would like to add:

    We’re not nudists!

    Stop dumping mommy’s shampoo in the toilet!

    Just because your sister’s using the toilet does NOT mean you get to poop in the tub!

    I’m pooping, it’s not a spectator sport, get out.

  24. Jolie Said:

    Thank you for the laughing headache!! And to the comment about pancakes in pockets – I almost hit my head laughing so hard at your comment!! That is AWESOME!!

  25. Kara Jones Said:

    OMG!!!!!! So funny!!!!! My son, 8 years old, in the elevtor at
    The library today “mom i wonder if that button would taste good if i licked it” myself “please dont lick that, do you know how many germs are on there?” Him “well germs make it taste better…” and this is the future of our world lol

  26. Dana Said:

    “Please stop bouncing your face off my boobs.” To my 7 year old. She looked at me like I had a second head, “Why?!” “Because we’re not at home.” We were at the home of some friends and the whole room was looking at us. She had just wandered over, hefted up my girls and started bouncing her face off them. Later that day, “No no baby, please don’t motorboat Mommy!” To my 18 month old son. I guess I should stop wearing V-neck shirts.

  27. Tara Martin Said:

    Said to my 6 year old daughter “please stop squeezing my boob” her reply “but they are so squishy”. lol also, “STOP! you don’t put forks in the electrical outlet”

  28. Tiffanie Trainer Knight Said:

    My 2 favs … Son we do not walk around knocking on our sports cup. No, cannibalism is not ok, it is generally frowned upon. And the ever classic response …Why do you smell minty fresh? I took a bath in toothpaste. Why? Cause I wanted to be all white like a hippy.

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