March 20, 2014

It makes sense that this is how my life would end. Just like Elvis but with more squirrels.

So yesterday I discovered that there is something in my bathroom wall behind my mirror. It’s like a little Bob The Builder squirrel or something and I’m pretty sure he’s building a condominium complex in there and then he’s going to advertise for squirrel occupants via Craigslist and things are gonna get rowdy up in here.

Last night I’m pretty sure I heard him using a table saw followed by a nail gun and then I think I heard a few hookers pop by for a quickie.

Things are happening in there, you guys. THINGS.

This morning it was nice and quiet until I went to have my morning constitutional.

I was sitting there, reading my Entertainment Weekly magazine and singing a song to The Cat about what a creeper she is with all the staring at me while I poop, when suddenly I heard it: A squirrel sized table saw.

The sound continued behind the mirror for awhile and The Cat went over and jumped up to check it out and tried to claw through the mirror like a delusional psycho.

Then it stopped, so I got back down to bidness.

Then the sounds reemerged in the ceiling.

Above my head.

Over the toilet where I was sitting in a compromising and vulnerable position.


I’ve practiced doing my Karate Kid Crane Kicks from the toilet but it really doesn’t work out too well in the end.

So anyways, I sat there looking up at the ceiling and then I heard what sounded like 3-5 squirrels jumping up and down on the little ventilation fan and I convinced myself that at any moment, angry construction guy squirrels were gonna fall onto my head WHILE I WAS GOING POTTY, so I screamed and finished up my business as quickly as possible (Because you can’t take off running in the midst of your business. I mean, you can, but it would be gross), all the while screaming bloody murder, then vacated the premises, closing the door behind me so that when they fell through the ceiling they couldn’t scamper all over the house with their little hammers and chain saws trying to brutally kill me.

I am about to go back in and see what’s up.

If you don’t hear from me soon, send in backup. Or try to lure them out with an Alvin and the Chipmunks album on loudspeaker.

It’s a little known fact that squirrels HATE chipmunks due to the fact that they are considered to be adorably charming and cuddly while squirrels are considered to be assholes. It’s called JEALOUSY, people. So if you play The Chipmunks they will come running at you like those dudes in Braveheart. Just be prepared to capture them before they reach your jugulars.

And P.S. Some of those bitches can fly, so be cautious. I got Face Herpes from one once, so trust me on this.

And P.P.S. DO NOT use the Chipmunk Rock album. That one really pisses them off. Especially their version of “Whip It.” You play that one and you won’t stand a chance.

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6 Responses to “It makes sense that this is how my life would end. Just like Elvis but with more squirrels.”

  1. RachRiot Said:

    I haven’t heard from you in the last 30 minutes, so now I’m concerned. I’m sending out a search party.. right after I finish this wine. WHAT, I JUST POURED IT.

  2. Elizabeth Said:

    it could be termites, they make noises like that sometimes …

  3. LaughingFit Said:

    Umm, we already know that you have pooping issues. This is going to necessitate a new home or you will be constipated for the rest of your life. Or, you could use another bathroom in the house until he finds you there.

  4. DianaM Ivey Said:

    We had squirrels that used to party over our head about 2 am. Bug bombs made them leave quickly and we could hear them sliding off the shed below the entry way.

  5. Linda Roy - elleroy was here Said:

    The Chipmunks did ‘Whip It’? I’ll bet the little Devo hats were cute. Or was that, the Chipmunks did whip its? Would explain the voices.

  6. Mindy Said:

    Not to freak you out or anything… but my in-laws have the same squirrel problem… they always end up dying in the walls and stinking up the house. Eventually they have to “search” for them by removing pieces of drywall until they find their sad little mummified bodies.

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