January 22, 2014

I was almost murdered today. Or not. I’m not really sure. Alls I know is The Cat’s not talkin’ and my friends are weird.

This morning I went to Pilates as usual, and when I came home I noticed that The Cat was outside. I was like “WTF are you doing out here?” because I never let her out when I’m not I’m not gonna be home. But she didn’t answer me because duh, she’s a cat, and also a secretive asshole. So I was like “What’s up with you? Cat got your tongue? Do you got your own tongue or does some other cat got your tongue? And what the hell does that saying mean anyways? I’m gonna have to get in a google spiral over that one later.”

Although it was weird that my feline was outside, I kinda shrugged it off because I had a lot of shit to do today and no time to worry about The Cat and whether or not she had magical traveling powers or anything, so I went inside.  When I opened the door I  heard Tejano music coming from The Hub’s boom box. The only time Tejano music is playing in my house is when Gabriella, the Queen of Cleaning, is here. But Gabriella wasn’t here, so I was like “Well, maybe when she was here yesterday she accidentally set some kind of stereo timer or something. And that’s totally possible because she’s never used that particular boom box before and when I showed it to her and told her she could use it she thought I was giving it to her and it took 5 minutes to clear that miscommunication up and I almost DID give it to her just because I was so exhausted.”

So I went into the dining room to turn off the music and noticed that my kitchen table and chairs were totally set up in my entry way. Never mind that I came into the house through the kitchen door and walked RIGHT PAST the empty area where my table and chairs usually are and didn’t even notice that they were missing.

But after I DID notice them I thought “THE PORN NEIGHBOR RETALIATES!” So I went next door to ring their bell and accuse them of lame retaliation, but my neighbor had no idea what I was talking about, and I could tell she was serious. So we came back to my house and went in and I showed her what was going on.

That’s when we noticed that there was one coffee cup on the table and one on the floor. There was also water spilled all over the floor in 2 puddles and one had napkins on it like someone had tried to mop it up. And there were two open magazines on the table, so we started reading the pages for clues.

No, I didn’t notice that my table was missing from my kitchen when I first came home, but yes, after that I suddenly got all CSI about napkins, magazines, and water. My brain works in mysterious ways and doesn’t work in even more mysterious ones.

The literary clues told us that Tori Spelling recently left her husband because he cheated on her and Sean Penn is doing Charlize Theron and Halle Berry buys toilet paper “Just Like Us,” but what does that have to do with Tejano music, moving tables, and Patti MURDER?

I also started thinking about the Tejano music. If only I spoke Spanish I could have deciphered the message behind whatever was playing when I walked in! DAMN me and my inability to learn Foreign languages! It was probably a very important clue to finding my future murderer!

My neighbor was all “Don’t touch anything! Don’t move anything! We have to call the police!” And I was all “One of my internet stalkers has finally found me, learned my daily routine, and decided that my furniture need to be moved to odd and undesirable locations in my home! I KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME! There’s probably a murderer in here right now who wants my supple skin for an ottoman! And they let me go to Pilates before the murder because they wanted to be all stabbing me or whatever while I yelled ‘I worked out for nothing! You could have at least killed me before I wasted time working on my abs! A nice murderer would have spared me the unnecessary exercise because dead people don’t need firm butts. YOU’RE A FREAKING MONSTER!'”

Then my neighbor was like, “Would anyone else have done this?” And I was like “No. You and Stephanie are the only ones with keys and she doesn’t have a car today. There’s no way she would hitch a ride over here just to move my table, read some trashy magazines, and dance to La Bamba. She’s weird but not that weird. Plus, if she woulda come in here to play a joke she woulda done something with Flat Reedus. Not just moved my table and looked at Us Magazine.”

So I text The Hub and I know he’s thinking Oh shit! This is what she gets for telling the world about her poop habits and every other private thing in her life. I knew her attention whorey ways would finally end her life in disaster. Then he says “STAY AT THE NEIGHBORS HOUSE. I WILL CALL YOU!”

So I’m about to call the popo even though it means they will search my house and probably find all the porn that I never wanted my neighbors to know I have because then I will no longer be able to hold their mis-delivered porn over their heads and make fun of them for being degenerates.

But my life depended on it, so I figured that losing the upper hand with the neighbors was worth it.

Then I say, “Before we call the fuzz let me call Stephanie to make absolute sure she didn’t somehow get over here and do this.”

So I do.

And she did.

I was like “WTF? Why are you trying to give me a heart attack?” And she was like “I assumed you’d know it was me and Renee.” And I was all “No…I didn’t think it was you because you don’t have a car.” And she was all “We were on our bikes and we stopped by for a drink and you weren’t there so we went in and rearranged your furniture.” And I was all “WHY?” I figured it had been moved to make a murder room like on Dexter, or perhaps Gabriella is dead and her ghost wants to clean my house once more before it crosses over into Heaven. Or maybe cleaning my house IS her Heaven because it smells like me, AKA bubblegum and happiness, and even my dirt is amazing. BUT THE POINT IS, I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK!

So we started talking about what they’d done and I said “Why did you drop a mug of water on my floor and let it lay there? And then start cleaning up one of the puddles with napkins but leave them on the floor?” And she was all “We didn’t! I would never do that. Maybe Renee did and I didn’t see her?” Then Renee called and said “I would NEVER do that! I swear. I’m so sorry. We didn’t spill stuff on your floors! But now I’M THE ONE WHO’S SCARED! That’s freaking me out! And we didn’t let your cat out either. I KNOW we didn’t! I think you DO have a house ghost!”

Here’s what I think:

I think a psycho internet stalker killer broke in and was waiting for me to get home from Pilates so he could get all murdery up in here, and when he heard Stephanie and Renee coming in, he went to hide because he didn’t wanna waste any or his murdering energies on anyone but me because then they woulda gotten all good and fancy murdered and I would get all lazy sloppy murdered and my murderer wants me to get his best murderiness. Then when they were done doing whatever weird things they were doing with water and magazines, he came out of hiding and threw their mugs around the room because he was angry that they interrupted his murder prep time, and made a mess. Then Ghostly Gabriella started cleaning it up because she knows that pooling water on wood floors is nothing but trouble. Then the murderer saw the Ghostly Gabriella and he freaked out and ran away, because just because you’re a murderer doesn’t mean you can’t be scared of shit just like everyone else. Murderers can be scared of anything they want to be scared of, except for murdering people. Then I came home while Ghostly Gabriella was in the midst of cleaning up the spill, and she didn’t want me to ask her to clean The Boy’s toilet again, so she went POOF and disappeared.

At least that’s how I am choosing to decipher all of this. Because if my friend’s broke into my house and missed the opportunity to do something strange with Flat Reedus, or Bieber’s head, or my Lord of the Rings PEZ dispenser collection, or my open laptop (which was open to my Facebook), or any other of the various oddities that I have lying around my house, and instead chose to move a table and read US Magazine, then I gotta spice it all up somehow. That’s how much I love my friends.

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9 Responses to “I was almost murdered today. Or not. I’m not really sure. Alls I know is The Cat’s not talkin’ and my friends are weird.”

  1. Cher Said:

    Thank you for always making me laugh… all the way over here in Sunny Saudi Arabia, where I happen to be working right now & where funny isn’t always on the menu.
    I know you know this already, but you are FUNNY.
    Seriously. Funny.
    Your grateful non-stockeriesh type fan who may or may not have spilled a cup of water on your hardwood floor & got distracted while trying to clean it up & sped out the back door, accidentally letting the cat out in the process.
    Shit happens.

  2. Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point Said:

    There’s nothing more humiliating than being a murderer’s sloppy seconds murder.

  3. Donna Said:

    You simply must write a series of mysteries. Your gift of written gab cracks me up. I can see myself sitting in the library reading your books and waiting for the next one to come out. I used to escape to this particular library when my kids were little, knocking on the door saying, “Mommy, are you done yet?” “Mommy, are you ever coming out of the bathroom?” “Mommy, I have to use the potty too!” Now I think of it as my reading room with a chair that has a hole and water to weight it down.

    I’m glad you were not murdered.

  4. Lisa Enlow Said:

    I cannot BELIEVE Cher is trying to cop to MY break-in at your lovely home! (But 1st allow me tocompliment you on those fabulous wood floors!) My plan was to lay your entire table with crystal, china & flowers before leaving, but some friends of yours dropped by to dance & party at your expense & I was trapped under The Boys bed (Gross!) I also am the one who attempted to clean up your friend’s dish & spilled water which left me no time to complete my diabolical plans before your return.
    p.s. I let your cat out on purpose, just to blow your mind. You’re welcome.

  5. Susan Graham Said:

    Omg, you are so hilarious. So funny, I’m actually jealous!
    Don’t worry I don’t know where you live and murder is to messy.

    Besides, internet etiquette suggests that if I follow you, then you would in turn, follow me. Thus I would be stalked by your ghost. 🙂

  6. Dian ivey Said:

    I still don’t understand why the chairs are not with the table and one cup was on the floor. Maybe you have a poltergeist!

  7. Tonya Said:

    Did I miss something or did you figure out how The Cat got outside and who spilled water all over your floor?

  8. Patti Said:

    Never figured it out!

  9. Jolie Said:

    Have you figured this out yet? This is driving me nuts not knowing!!! Ok, so it’s not a drive, more like just coming across the thin line I constantly stand on…BUT STILL! 🙂 You have to update so we don’t fear that the murderer came back!

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