January 13, 2014

Dear Mailman, Thanks for being a f@ckup.

Our mailman is notorious for giving everyone the wrong mail. ALL THE TIME. I don’t know what the deal is with her, but she just can’t get it right. Maybe she’s bitchy about being in a job with word “man” in the title. I know she’s a woman but mailwoman just doesn’t roll off the tongue quite right, so most of us still call her our mailman.

I kinda get it.

After I got married I decided to get rid of all my hair and get a sassy little pixie cut, which I loved, until some dude called me sir, and if I hadn’t been so shocked and depressed after that I woulda done a lot more than put his mail in the wrong box. One of those things woulda been showing him my boobs, and another woulda been kicking him in the underballs.

So yes, I totally get why the mailman lady might be kinda ticked from time to time.

But maybe the woman thing isn’t the issue at  all. Maybe she just hates us and thinks out catalogs and magazines are stupid, so she’s playing puppeteer and manipulating us into finding out each other’s business and creating drama for her own amusement. Maybe she has cameras hidden in our homes so she and all the other mailmen can watch their own little Truman Show type thing.

I DON’T KNOW.

All I DO know is that I get other people’s mail and other people get my mail, and it puts us all in some perpetual state of forced nosiness.

For example, I know that someone on the next cul-de-sac over gets letters from prison, and they know that I get lots of stupid entertainment magazines. Magazines which I suspect they read while pooping, then give back to me (because that’s totally what I would do in that situation). And whether they actually took my magazines into the crapper or not, I’m never gonna be able to stop thinking that they did. And it kinda ruins the entire magazine reading experience for me when I’m trying to enjoy a story about some douchey thing Kanye did and all I can picture is my neighbor reading the same story while going poop.

But last Friday I found out about something better than prison love or hair club for men: I found out which of my neighbors orders porn.

And it’s awesome.

Now most people -if accidentally given some of their neighbor’s porn mail- would probably either throw it away or casually slip it into the correct mailbox so that their neighbor would never know that they know that they’re a freaky porn addict.

But I am not that neighbor.

This is what  the porn catalog looked like when I returned it to them:

(Front)

(Front)

tag2

(Back)

Man, my neighbors are all so lucky to have me.

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14 Responses to “Dear Mailman, Thanks for being a f@ckup.”

  1. Amber Said:

    Hahahaha! Please tell me you hand delivered instead of slipping in the mailbox!

  2. Copper Yuenger Said:

    I just cracked up during my daughter’s karate lesson. Thanks for getting me in trouble!

  3. Bad Parenting Moments Said:

    Please won’t you be my neighbor.

  4. The Shitastrophy Said:

    I can only dream of having this opportunity knock on my box (oh yes, I did)

  5. sassypiehole Said:

    LMAO! I would give my right leg to be your neighbor. Then you could stick it in that guys mailbox so he could add it to his porn collection. Because I’m sure there’s something pornographic about my right leg that my husband hasn’t figured out.

  6. Kaysi Darrah Said:

    You’re cracking me up!

  7. Kristen Thompson-Riley Said:

    CLASSIC!!! I love this. So something I would’ve done! *high five*

    Kristen
    http://www.bloodsweatcheers13.blogspot.com

  8. Jade Canton Said:

    Bahahahahaha!

  9. Amanda Said:

    Holy hell I love you! I would love to be your neighbor…I would totally order midget porn lol

  10. Susan Said:

    I once watched (WATCHED!!!) my mailman run over my mailbox and quickly drive away.

    When I called the post office to complain, a young girl answered. She told me she would report it, then happened to mention the mailman would probably lose his job. Crap! I canceled my complaint. Then paid for the repair myself–which by the way, was over $80.00 for a stupid 10 inch piece of metal scrolling required by our subdivision.

    Regardless, our mailman is now a mailwoman.

  11. Mandy Said:

    No you didn’t!!!! This is the funniest ever. Man, why can I not get so lucky? I would love to do this to my neighbors! 🙂 All I get is their bills and their junky state farm junk mail. So my mailman is a woman too and our mail gets mixed up all the time…Maybe its a conspiracy involving all mailmen-ladies. hmmm. I wonder.

  12. Jess Said:

    BAHAHAHAHAHA…forget BEING the neighbor I wanna see the neighbors reaction when they see the mail LOL

  13. Sarah @ The Momisodes Said:

    OMG that’s great…..that is absolutely fucking amazing…..

  14. Amy Said:

    HILARIOUS!! Reminds me of two things: When my best friend got a mailing from our local “Swinger’s Club” (which none of the non-swingers in our town knew about, until this happened!) that was intended for her neighbor. She was too horrified to return it, but made copies of it and sent it to all her friends (without the neighbor’s name)! And, when my kids were little, a few weeks before Christmas, the time we received an enormous box of premium marijuana from Alabama that was intended for our neighbor. I opened it because it was in a pile of other boxes (Christmas presents for our toddlers) at my front door. I didn’t know what to do, so I hid it like that would somehow make it disappear. But the neighbor wanted it badly enough that he came looking for it a few days later. They moved the following summer!

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