November 6, 2013

Patti Explains Aida: Get ready to get all kinds of cultured up in here

On Sunday I went to the opera.

I’m going to pause right here and let that sink into your brains for a minute………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Has it sunk in yet?

This might help:

This is a photo of me the time when I made the driver of a “Homes of the Stars” tour in L.A. let me off the bus so I could pretend to buttsecks this statue in someone’s front yard in Beverly Hills while the people on the bus photographed me and covered the eyes of their children.

This is a photo of people at an opera.

Do you see what I’m getting at here?


People who go to the opera:

Ok. I think you get it.

You’re probably wondering why the frick I was at an opera in the first place. Well, my sister was in it, so it was sorta required. These are the kinds of things that you have to do for the people you love. You have to bail them out of jail, you have to tell them they’re cute even if they’re butt ugly, and you have to sit still for extremely long periods of time while people sing very loudly in a language that you don’t understand.

I tried to pay attention to what was happening. I really did. But an opera is no place for a girl with ADHD issues. At all. But I pretty much got the gist of what was going on so now I’m going to share it with you so you never have to go through what I went through. EVER.

Patti Explains Aida

When the show opens the first thing I notice is the set. The walls are painted with some kind of graffiti and while trying to decipher it all I notice one that looks like a steak, one that looks like ice-cream, and one that looks like a taco. Not a vagina taco, a Taco Bell Taco.

I didn’t eat lunch yet so I’m very hungry.

So the show starts and it seems that there’s something going on in Memphis, and for a second I think maybe an Elvis impersonator is gonna come out, but those hopes are quickly dashed when I realize that they are talking about Egypt. Did you guys know that there is a Memphis in Egypt? Cuz I didn’t. But I start to wonder if they have barbecue too, and I  I start thinking about this super delicious place in Memphis, TN called Charlie Vergos Rendezvous, and I get hungry again.

Ok. Back to the show.

There’s obviously some kind of war about to happen with someone that I soon figure out are Ethiopians, so I think maybe the people of Memphis, Egypt DO have barbecue, and maybe the Ethiopians want some. Sally Struthers always says that Ethiopians are really hungry and maybe the Egyptians don’t want to share. So basically it seems like it’s a war about meat. And a war about meat is a war I can get behind.

The Egyptian King is all fired up about the war and he makes some big deal like “My my my, who do I think I’ll choose to lead our army in the fight against the Ethiopians?” and he sings about it. Then this one dude is like, “I should be the leader of the army.” So he starts singing to himself about how if he’s the leader then the chick he loves will think he’s a stud and be all hot in the lady bloomers about it. Then at one point The Dude is with some lady singing about something else and since she’s old and he doesn’t seem to be hot for her, I decide she’s his mom.

Later, some chick is singing about how she’s sad because she’s a slave, and I figure out she’s the chick that that dude is totally wanting to show off for. She’s like, “Oh my life sucks cuz I’m a slave and the gods hate me and boo hoo hoo and nothing ever goes right for me ever.” And she sings about her sucky life for, like, 5 minutes and I figure if your life sucks THAT  bad you probably aren’t gonna sing about it for 5 long minutes unless you’re a drama queen, so I don’t like her.

Then The King tells everyone that The Dude is gonna be leader of the army, so everyone’s like, “Hell yeah”, especially the dude because he know that The Slave Chick is probably gonna do the nasty with him now. So the King is all “It’s time to go to war because the Ethiopians are almost here and things are looking pretty dire so we gotta get our asses out there and kill them pronto before they take over our city. But first, let’s have a 15 minute song and dance number about how pumped we are to go to war.” So instead of getting on with the war, they perform this fancy show that wastes precious war time and makes them all look like pussies, and I’m thinkin’ “Ya know, maybe be real careful and don’t let your enemies see this clusterfuck or they’re gonna wanna kick your asses even harder.”

At this point I take a little break to make faces with a little girl in front of me, and we laugh at each other and have a good old time until her grandma makes her turn around.

Ok, so the Egyptians finally go to war,  and I’m finally interested cuz I’m thinking I’m gonna get some sword fights and stuff like those Lord of the Rings battle scenes. But guess what? We don’t get to see any of the war because while the dudes are all at war there’s a crapload of girl drama going on at home, and that’s what we get to see. Lucky us.

It turns out that the lady that I thought was The Dude’s mom is actually the King’s daughter and she’s totally hot for The Dude. But she sees The Dude and The Slave Chick looking all hot and bothered about each other and she realizes what’s up with that, so she gets hella pissed and tells the Slave Chick that The Dude died, then when The Slave Chick freaks out crying the bitch is all “AHA! I lied! And P.S. you’re a whore!”

This is about the time I get hungry and pull a bag of Cheezits out of my purse to snack on and the people to my left start staring at me like I’m a Beverly Hillbilly. But Cheezits are delicious so I’m totally ok with it.

The next thing I notice on the stage is that The Dude and all the other dudes come back from war and they’re all “Hell yeah, we kicked those Ethiopian asses! Woo-hoo!” And I’m thinking “WTF are they so cocky about? Cuz I’ve seen those Sally Struthers commercials and those people are super skinny and pretty damn low energy and stuff, so big freakin’ whoop, you guys are soooooo tough.”

Then of course there’s a 15 minute song and dance number about winning the war. And there’ a bunch of shirtless bald guys in gold hoop skirts marching around it it looks like some sort of gay pride parade, so I get really excited again like I did when I though Elvis might come out and I’m waiting for something awesome to happen, but it never does. Which, in my opinion, is a wasted opportunity. If you’re gonna have 30, bald, smooth-chested, dudes in gold hoop skirts on a stage, then you need to blast some Lady Gaga and let them go to town. It seems that the opera people don’t  really know anything about what’s actually theatrical.

So when the Gaga-less dancing is over they bring the war prisoners in, and then The Slave Chick runs up to one that turns out to be her father. That turns out to be a big deal because he’s the Ethiopian King, so I guess she’s the princess or something, and everyone on stage is like “WTF just happened?” But I guess I’m the only one in the audience who is like “WTF?” because everyone else in the audience figured this out in the first 10 minutes of the opera while I was pretending that the big locket on my necklace was my monocle, and I was squeezing it between my eye and looking around and staring at everyone until they noticed how fancy I was.

By the way, the Ethiopian prisoners were really quite beefy, so I hate to break it to you all, but Sally Struthers is a liar.

Anyways, at this point The Dude is obviously thinking “Holy Frick. I thought if I kicked some Ethiopian ass I’d get some Slave Chick ass, but it turns out her freakin’ DAD is the Ethiopian King that I caught? Damn. Talk about a cock blocker! How am I gonna get any nookie from her now?” So he lets his wiener do the thinking and he tells The King that for his big prize for winning the war he wants the prisoners to be free because The Slave Chick would be super happy and give him the nookie. The Dude REALLY wants the nookie.

So The Dude is once again all “Hell yeah, I’m finally gettin’ some!” Then The King is all “And…You’re marrying my daughter. Ya know, the one that is so old and portly that the hillbilly chick that was snacking Cheezits in the audience thought she was your mom? Yep. You’re marrying her. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY, SON!”

Then it was halftime and we went out to the lobby cuz my sister texted and was all “My part’s over and I’m going to work at my other job now.” And I was all, “THANK BALLS”, and I left and went to my sister’s work and ate free food and drank these really spicy Red Dragon Margaritas.

My sister said that at the end of the opera The Dude and The Slave Chick get put in some pit like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where the walls close in and they die. And I’m like, “Holy Frick! FINALLY something exciting happens AT THE END? After 4 hours of sitting in a hard little seat with an empty Cheezit bag? No thanks. I did the right thing.

And guess what? The Dude never did get any nookie. Yes, you heard that right. AFTER ALL THAT DRAMA, THE DUDE NEVER GOT THE NOOKIE.

Oh, and by the way, turns out The Slave Chick’s name was Aida.

Good to know.

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10 Responses to “Patti Explains Aida: Get ready to get all kinds of cultured up in here”

  1. Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point Said:

    This was like watching an episode of Drunk History. And of course I mean that in the most flattering of ways.

  2. Bobbie Seacrist- The Rebel Foodie Said:

    Every single one of your posts should come with a mandatory box of depends. I swear I peed myself a little reading that!!

  3. RachRiot Said:

    Yeah, yeah, you are very fancy… I want to hear more about the Red Dragon Margaritas.

  4. Valerie Said:

    I’m still stuck on you going to the opera. I’m a lot like you… And I honestly don’t think they’d even let me in. So GOOD FOR YOU!! Make a stand. Be a fucking lady!



  5. Jolie Said:

    You should write “Patti notes” (like Cliff notes) for Operas. I mean, if you can manage to sit through a whole one. I can’t decide what was my favorite part – cheezits or faces with the little girl. You should have put your monocle in when you ate cheezits and then they wouldn’t have been all hmpf! Thanks for the summary, I doubt I could get in to an opera with my redneck self. 🙂

  6. Dana Said:

    Its official, I am no longer allowed to read anything you write while Im at work. If my co-workers didn’t think I was nuts before they do now. Between the laughing out bursts and tears (from laughing) they no longer know how to approach me!

  7. DawnMarie Versluys Said:

    I LOVE IT!!!! FANTASTIC!!!! Two enthusiastic thumbs up. I am digging Jolie’s idea of the PattiNotes for Opera. I’m glad you got to leave at half time even if you missed the big exciting part. Hey what is a red dragon Margarita because that sounds delish!!!!

  8. DawnMarie Versluys Said:

    Oh crap. I wanted to ask Christian what drunk history is because that sounds like fun.

  9. Carrie Said:

    Nevermind the dude didn’t get the nookie…YOU CRUNCHED UP A BAG OF CHEEZIT’S AT THE OPERA??

    My hero.

    You are now officially, my new hero.

    That is awesome! Priceless stuff right there. =)

  10. barb Said:

    that was amazing and fascinating. i never want to go to an opera. but if you ever go to a ballet, please pass that on to us as well. (i never want to go to one of those either, but am curious, whats it all about.)
    thank you for posting.

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