November 13, 2013

Childhood Confessions (AKA My Readers Are freaks)

When I was a kid, I was weird.

Well, at least I thought I was a weird.

Last week I posted on Facebook about how I used to always carry a few bouillon cubes in my pocket because I liked to lick on them throughout the day (it was like a 1 second mini meal), and also because I figured if I had to go on the lam for whatever reason I could make some killer hobo soups.

I also used to go into the garage and dig through my dad’s tackle box and find all his new fishing lure worms and bite them in half. It felt really good. Although I’d always tell myself not to bite them all the way through….just bite it a teensy tiny bit and put it back…I couldn’t stop myself. Those worms just needed to be bit in half.

And one time I had an incident with boogers. It’s my mom and dad’s fault, really. I was totally into this song called “May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose,” and I sang it all the time. One day I asked my parents WTF was up with bird and why he flew up people’s noses and they told me they flew up your nose when you were asleep and laid eggs and that’s what boogers were. So I started saving all my boogers in tissues and incubating them under my reading lamp in the hopes that I could hatch some nose birds.

Anyways, after I posted about my weirdness I asked my readers to tell me what weird stuff they did as kids. I received over 1,200 responses and spent a lot of time reading and laughing my ass off. And guess what? I don’t feel nearly as weird anymore, because some of my readers are stone cold freaks. Stone. Cold. And guess what else? I totally dig it.

Here are some of my favorites…

Childhood Confessions

I dissected a frog in the 7th grade, cut out his tonque and kept it in my jewelry box for years where it became a petrified rock tongue.

We moved..we moved a lot. So, wherever previous occupants had removed their pictures and left a nail hole..I was sure there was a camera inside the wall recording my every move..I behaved accordingly..until one of my sisters suggested I put toothpaste into the holes to block the cameras it took 3 years of performing for the camera and several houses, until I was free!

I would wake up in the middle of the night, go in the washroom and fill the sink with water and add in some shampoo, tooth paste, body wash etc. it was my potion. Then I drained it and went back to bed.

I planted cadbury eggs hoping they would grow and I would have a never ending supply of them! Guess I just wasted the ones I planted or the soil wasn’t fertile enough.

I made a booger wall where I constantly wiped boogers. Every time my mom got onto me and cleaned the wall I wiped more for no known reason.

I used to through my mothers brand new cartons of cigerttes out of the back car window on the way home from the grocery store! To this day she still thinks she never got the bags with them in there!

I use to carry around a ten foot pole knocking birds nests down and steal the eggs, take them home and put them in a box with a heating pad trying to hatch them..never worked. I fried many……

My best friend was an olive branch when I was young. Olives don’t tell you to wear socks with your sneakers or make fun of your NKOTB paraphernalia. Olives understand…

I liked to bite silly putty. I liked the way it snapped when my teeth penetrated. Truth is, I still like it…

I had a bloody nose one time and I decided to keep the tissues and put them in an envelope so they could use it to identify me if I was ever killed and couldn’t be identified…that was before we had DNA testing like we do today. What is weirder…thinking about being killed and unidentifiable or keeping bloody tissues?

I was obsessed with boobs to the point that when I was 3, my parents finally caved and bought me my first bra. The thing had to be a 38 DD- I wore it on top of my clothes, in the front yard.. I LOVED it.. Made me feel like such a woman.. And now I have DD cup boobs, for real.. God is Good.

I used to put mint chapstick on my eyelids at night so they burned and I couldn’t open my eyes…that way I would fall asleep.

When my mom used to take me grocery shopping (I was about 5 or 6), I would pick up packages of hot dogs when no one was looking and bite into them…then put them back. I liked the feeling of it. I can’t even IMAGINE what people’s reactions were when they discovered that!

My sister and I (we’re only a year apart) used to swallow coins on purpose and then check the poop in the toilet to see if they ever came back out. Oh my gosh… that is so gross now that I think about it.

I walked in zig zags through my kitchen at night so if someone was trying to shoot me through the window, they would miss.

I tasted EVERYTHING. Literally. Soap, shampoo, lotion, makeup…the worst, by far, was deodorant. Yes, I used to be an idiot…I’m still an idiot, but I used to be also.

My daughter would keep money in her belly button. Like you could ask her, do you have a quarter? And she’d lift her shirt to see if one was stuck in her belly button. We’re talking fifth grade…

I used to squish baby ants with my index finger and eat them.

I chewed bandaids like they were gum.

I would tie carrots onto my dogs collar and pretend to be stranded in the yard and take bites of the Carrot , cause I was starving to death.

I ate ALOT of chapstick .. my favorite flavor was the original in the black tube. At Christmas my mom always got me this santa chapstick and it had a hint of clove. I waited alll year for that bad boy! Delicious!

I would hump my cabbage patch dolls and also my brothers hulk hogan stuffed doll…

I ate the heads off of matches and the ashes out of ash trays. I was mean as hell too. I had an overwhelming urge to toe pinch everything. I’ll admit, 37 years old and 5 daughters later, I’ve pinched everyone of them. My mother-in-law is living with us now. I’m controlling the urge.

I read “Helter Skelter”in 7th grade (charles manson) after my mama told I couldn’t bcuz it would scare the shit outta me. Well,I read it anyways. Scared the absolute shit outta me. For 2yrs after I read that book,I slept with 6 comforters on my bed at night and 31 stuffed animals. Reasoning was if Charles came after me he’d get so pissed tryin to find me under all that stuff he’d just give up and not murder me.

I used to get big boxes and make my friends poop in them like they were outdoor bathrooms….man I got beat when my dad found out!

I used to sit under the bleachers at my mom’s softball games and eat cigarette butts.

I would keep water in my mouth as long as I could at the water fountain in case I got thirsty because all the kids wanted to leave class for the fountain. I thought I’d drink just drops through the day until my mouth hurt. I had a goal to keep it longer and longer. I also felt that when I drank at the fountain, I’d pose a certain way to see if anyone would take on my cool stance and I’d be known as the one with the newest and coolest pose while getting a drink. It never caught on because no one else posed at the fountain.

I scooped out the inside of a whole pickle with a cheese knife and ate the insides with a crab fork…then I would slide the deflated pickle over my tongue and wear it until I decided to eat the rest. Yeah.

I filled a sock with powdered laundry detergent to carry around and sniff at random.

I chewed up saltines and spit them on to other saltines and called it saltine dip.

Up until the age of about 14 I used to write creepy cryptic notes to people in the future and put them in ziplock bags and bury them in the yards of the houses I lived in.

I would get the obituaries and the phone book and cross out the dead peoples’ numbers

I put those liquid breath mint drops on paper and ate the paper.

I used to tear a corner off the page of the book I was reading to remember what page I was on… then eat the shred so no one would notice I tore a book.

I buried canned goods in the woods thinking if I got kicked out of the house at lest I could eat.

As a kid I used to eat sticks of butter and do shots of vinegar. I also used to collect my toenails and kept them in an envelope. As I got older I would make little stacks of them and then light them and have mini bonfires in my room.

I would eat jello from the packet, and leave little trails so my parents would think it was mice.

I wasn’t allowed to have pets so I tied a string around a tomato and walked it around the yard.

I used to undo a paper clip and put it in my mouth and pretend it was a retainer. Then when I was done, I’d put it in a “bubble tape” container as my retainer case .

I would lay down and sneeze in the air and count how long til my sneeze spit hit me in the face.

I used to steal frozen sausages and eat them as if they were ice poles. Lovely, meaty ice poles.

I used to take sharpies and draw stripes on my legs so I wouldn’t have to wear socks.

I used to pretend i was a drug addicted movie star and use tic tacs as my “drug” I blame the saved by the bell episode with Jessie addicted to speed!

I dressed up my little brother in drag, full makeup, bright blue eyeshadow and dresses and told him he was my sister, “Suzy.” I really wanted a sister. But now I occasionally get the guilty weirdness because my brother has cross dressed as an adult and my mom asks, “Where did he get that from?”

Our neighbors had an ice cream maker. They would dump the extra rock salt at the curb. I would collect it and eat it.

When I was a kid, I thought babies got messy on purpose when they ate. My logical conclusion was that their mouths were too small to fit all of their tastebuds inside, so some were on their face. So when I got the chance to feed a baby, I would smear food all over their face and then scrape it off and feed it to them. I thought I was doing them a solid.




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22 Responses to “Childhood Confessions (AKA My Readers Are freaks)”

  1. RachRiot Said:

    Oh GAWD I am crying. Absolutely crying. You people are FREAKS and I love you.

  2. Angela Said:

    I think I just peed my pants! Thank God I was ALONE, for once!

  3. Jill P Said:

    THIS.WAS.ABSOLUTELY.FREAKIN.AWESOME! The hubs ran in to see what was wrong…….probably thought I was having a seizure or stroke or something. Shook his head and walked away…..I can get loud when losing it!

  4. gayle honnold Said:

    I am dying…pms, lol, rotflmao, dying! This has got to be the best, ever! IITMB, I have been exhausted after some of your blogs..ribcage sore, exhausted..but this brings back memories of really dumb childhood activities, as well as some of the weirdest stuff I’ve ever read. Thank You for always putting a huge grin on my face.

  5. Sara Said:

    When I was 7 or 8, I was really weird, I had a pet stick named Mr. Pecker and he helped pick apart a rotten tree stump in our front yard, I was devastated when his beak broke! Another time, in the winter, I made a snow refrigerator and put a package of string cheese in it and didnt find it again until spring when my snow refrigerator melted. Mom never asked where the string cheese went. I’m glad I’m not the only weirdo! 😉

  6. Amanda B Said:

    I totally did the paper-clip retainer thing. And i might have done the saltine thing. Once. Or everytime i went to a restaurant. You know.

  7. kay Said:

    I’m at work and my coworker is looking at me like I have 3 heads because well, you ever laugh so hard no sound comes out so you just sit there and clap like a seal? Yeah. that’s why. I’m an identical twin. I don’t remember all the odd things we ever did.

  8. Jessyka Said:

    Hahaha! This makes me happy.
    I chewed the end of my pencil because I liked the metallic taste.
    I used to pinch my fat to let it know that it was unwanted.
    I had such social anxiety, I practiced every day conversation in front of the mirror every day.
    I got called out for french kissing my ice cream. I guess that’s what I was doing, but I just really liked the texture.
    I ate margarine by the spoonful. I can’t even use it now: butter only!

  9. Randall Harlan Said:

    I laughed so hard my stomach hurts. When I was 12 I had a treehouse & club. I’d make the kids do stupid things to join in. One guy always wore a Superman cape. I told him; “If you think you’re Superman jump off my roof. I thought I had killed him. He landed in my Dad’s rose bushes. Boy did I get my butt whipped when Dad got home. I was on restriction for life. I think I still am.

  10. Sheila Pringle Said:

    I thought mine was too bizarre to write last week.. But.. I used to sew my fingers together for fun! I just took the needle and went under first layer. I have no freakin idea why I did this.. I just did!

  11. Teri Said:

    May the bird of paradise fly up your nose
    May an elephant caress you with his toes
    May your wife be plagued with runners in her hose
    May the bird of paradise fly up your nose

    Nope, never heard of that song before.

  12. Carrie Said:

    One of your readers chewed bandaids like gum?

    Chewed bandaids like gum.

    Oh, my Lord. THAT made me pee a little and then when I finally got some control…I gotta pee a lot.

    This was totally awesome…friggin great!!! =)

  13. Tina Wall Said:

    I would spread elmer’s glue on my palms, blow on it till dry, then peel it off and inspect it with a magnifying glass ti see the crud it pulled off my 8yr-old hands.
    oh, and i would eat my scabs.

  14. Lisa Enlow Said:

    I used to ditch my hated Barbie doll, take her super cool pink jeep with the striped top & my troll dolls, then meet up with my best friend & her jeep & trolls on the woods. We would carefully fold our dresses, white socks & patent leather shoes & then 4 wheel our trolls through the woods all afternoon in our underwear. Afterward we put on our dresses & walked home barefoot for dinner. My mother pondered how I could come home with muddy feet, shoes in hand, & be brown & dusty with a clean, freshly ironed dress & white socks. She never even considered we’d been naked heathens running wild in the forest!

  15. Jasi Said:

    So I was very young when I saw a cartoon documentary about Abe Lincoln and how he tricked his parents by putting his boot prints on the ceiling. I thought I was as clever as him or perhaps more so. I made foot prints all over the walls with my mom’s Lightdays maxi pads. In my defense they were foot shaped and adhesive and kids love stickers.

    Still not president, yet.

  16. rhonda Said:

    Omg. Thank you so much for sharing this. I laughed so hard I think I peed a little.

  17. Lis Said:

    When I was in fourth grade, my best friend and I mixed Coke and Sprite and we named it “Sproke.” We wrote letters to the company to try to get the patent on this glorious drink. Every Monday at school, we’d ask how many letters were written and we’d strategize how to get the Coca-Cola company to recognize our awesomeness and turn us into millionaires.

  18. Amber Said:

    I would hold onto one end of a ramen noodle and swallow the other end then pull it back up. It was a contest between us kids to see who could swallow it the furthest. I would also have my own “cooking show”. Id mix all kinds of dirt and shit together and talk to myself like I was on camera.

  19. Kim Said:

    Omg! So funny! I used to put glue on my hand too, blow on it & peel it off. I also used to dissect my pizza by peeling back the cheese, scraping off the sauce & putting the cheese layer back on….still do it from time to time if there is too much sauce…lol…In the 5th grade I used to rollerskate in my basement with my cockateil on my shoulder:-)

  20. Margaret Said:

    I used to make a waterbed out of a basket and a ziplock bag and then Ken and Barbie would “ride the tsunami…”

  21. Ashley Said:

    When my cousin and I were little my grandfather would go shopping and always stocked up on food. Well we have a big Italian polish family so we had sunday dinners,but anyways he had lots of stuffing boxes so the one day me and my cousin made dominos with it from the kitchen to the living room maybe about 120 boxes.

  22. I'll never tell Said:

    My sister and I had this fabulous money-making idea that we would make our own potpourri our of the wisteria flowers in our yard. We collected a ton and put them in sandwich bags, then tried to sell them. We didn’t sell any so we ditched the box they were in at the back of our closet. Our mom found them, slimy and rotten, about 6 months later. It definitely made our room smell, though not in a nice way.

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