August 30, 2013

When I see odd things my brain tells me a story that I didn’t even know that I knew. I’m pretty sure that’s not normal but I’m totally okay with it.

So there I was, just living a normal life and finally getting over the sadness that I felt when Rufus got adopted, when all of a sudden my friend Trish gave me this photo:


And now that I know this exists my brain cannot focus on anything else. I have no earthly or spacely idea who the hell owns this thing, but I do know one thing: They don’t know these guys like I do.

That squirrel up there in the front? That’s Augustus J. Furguson. His friends call him Furg. Furg is the leader of this whole operation. Obviously. I mean, look at him! Does he not look like a take charge guy? He’s on the lookout for acorns and nuts and shit like that. And he’s damn good at it too. He’s been the top nut collector in his region for 3 years running. Well, he used to be anyway. At least until he he lost his crew in the flood of  ’09 and he hired this bunch of misfits. Nobody knows much about Furg’s life before nut collecting. If you ask him about his past he’ll just look off into the distance then drink lots of beer. And have you seen his body? A tiny body like that can’t handle too much beer, so nobody really asks him questions anymore for fear that he will drink himself to death.

The fox’s name is Frankie Fuckup. I know that sounds like a made-up name, but it’s not. His family is originally from Europe, and they came over to the states back in 1817. Their real last name was some long ass situation like Feinikowsloskiopolous, and while that just rolls off the tongue where they were from, nobody in America could say it right. In 1819 Frankie’s great great great grandfather Frederick got a job as leadsman on a steamboat on the Mississippi River, which he royally fucked up one day after he fell asleep on the job, leaving his post unattended and resulting in the captain crashing the boat which started a fire on the boilerdeck that killed 11 men, ruined the captain’s career, and left nearly 100 men without jobs. It was such a major fuck-up that everyone started calling him Freddie Fuckup, and it just stuck. But it also kinda cursed the family too, because even though it’s been nearly 200 years, they’re still stuck with it. But I guess it fits, because every boy born into the Fuckup family has indeed been a fuck-up. And Frankie’s no different. For example, what’s he doing in this picture? He’s fishing. He’s fishing even though he works for Furg and Furg’s business is nut collecting. And what’s he supposed to be doing for Furg? That’s right, he’s supposed to be watching for obstacles and protecting the boat. History sure does repeat itself when you’re a Fuckup.

The opossum’s name is Opie Vanderbilt. Yeah. He’s one of THOSE Vanderbilts. His half brother is Anderson Cooper. They share the same mother (Gloria), but Opie’s father is an opossum. Duh. Gloria gave Opie up for adoption at birth, due to the shock of seeing that she had just spent 17 hours in labor to push a marsupial out of her in-between. Gloria was confused. It seems that she forgot about the night that she had too much to drink and upon arriving home, fell into the bushes and met Archie Arbuckle the opossum, and they shared a special evening under a rhododendron bush in the moonlight. Archie had no idea that he had a son until years later when he was in the rhododendron bush again one night while someone inside was talking about it. When Opie was 8 years old, his father finally tracked down his adoptive parents and told him the story of his birth. From that day on, Opie claimed the last name of Vanderbilt as a big middle finger to the woman who had given him away. Nowadays Opie goes where the wind takes him, wandering the midwest and taking jobs just long enough to afford a few good meals and a couple of nights rest in a hotel. But when he met Furg he felt like he’d finally found a family and decided that he might just stay in one place for once.

The raccoon’s name is Jerry. Nobody knows what his last name is because he doesn’t know. Best anyone can figure, Jerry has some kind of amnesia. He just showed up in town one day, wandering around like a dumb ass. All he knew was his first name and the fact that he likes rhubarb pie. Like, he REALLY likes rhubarb pie. It’s all he eats. There’s only one restaurant in town and for 45 years they only served 2 kinds of pie: Banana cream, and cherry. Then along came Jerry looking all pathetic and confused and saying “My name is Jerry and I like rhubarb pie,” and what are they gonna do? Not give the guy some rhubarb pie? He doesn’t even know how old he is for Pete’s sake! So now the diner serves 3 kinds of pie, and Furry Furg lets him work on the boat even though he doesn’t really do anything but sit there holding something that he thinks is a remote control, and pointing it at everything. Furg has a kind heart, you guys.

The beaver’s name is Barton Beaverton III and he used to own 18 dams on the Niangua River. Barton was a big shot and he strutted around town like he was God’s gift to beavers, but nobody liked him much because his attitude sucked balls. Then one day he met a beaver named Betsy and his whole world was turned upside down. He fell hard for Betsy and she wouldn’t give him the time of day. He wasn’t the kind of beaver that the girls were lining up for. Sure, he owned 18 dams, but he ran those dams like a dictator. He was known for treating his employees like crap and grossly underpaying them for their hard work. He didn’t have any friends and he really didn’t want any. Barton was all about Barton and nobody else was good enough for him to waste his time with.

Then came Betsy.

It took Barton a good 6 months of trying before he finally wore her down, and truth be told she only went out with him to get him off her back. Then something unexpected happened:  She fell in love. Betsy tried to convince everyone that Barton wasn’t really the beaver they thought he was, but nobody was buying it. The night before their wedding, the pressure from her family and the townsfolk became too much for Betsy to bear and she realized that she couldn’t marry Barton, so she she dumped him.  The pain was too much for him. Bestsy was the only beaver he had ever loved and he didn’t know what to do without her. In a moment of despair, Barton tied a bunch of stones on his body and jumped into the river. In a strange twist of fate Furry Furg’s boat was on that branch of the river, and in an unusual moment of attentiveness, Frankie Fuckup saw him jump in and HE jumped in a saved him. Barton, having been saved from the jaws of death, came to his senses and realized that he DID want to live, but he still didn’t want to go home, so he stayed on with Furg’s crew and became part of their oddly dysfunctional family.

Unfortunately, even though Frankie saved Barton, everyone still called him Frankie Fuckup.  Yeah he saved a dude’s life, but seriously, that name’s just catchy as hell.

Yes. I know. Something is seriously wrong with me.

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8 Responses to “When I see odd things my brain tells me a story that I didn’t even know that I knew. I’m pretty sure that’s not normal but I’m totally okay with it.”

  1. Patti Said:

    I know, right? It’s majestic. I would build my entire new house around this.

  2. DawnMarie Said:

    Best. STORY. EVER! !!! I am going to run get back in my jammies and you can come over and read it to me after I’ve had my hot cocoa and marshmallows. Mkay see you soon.

  3. Carrie Rogers Said:

    I feel so much better now, knowing that I’m not the only person who makes up stories like this. I name everything and then give a backstory. I also make up names for strangers that I feel need one. And then create a backstory for them. Yes, I am entertaining as hell when I’m out drinking. But sometimes we have to run fast because I’m loud too…

  4. Cher of Arabia Said:

    Dear Miss Insane: may I call you that for short?
    I loved your story, all crazy as it was, and oh-so-entertaining. I really can’t believe that canoe full of creatures isn’t sitting in your personal trophy room, because that is the gem of all taxidermists-in-heaven combined… And, well, I think you deserve it! Tell the Hubs I said so. Not that he’ll care about my opinion or anything… But hey,it’s worth a shot… There are times when money is no object, and for you, this is one of those times!

  5. Maggie Overholt Said:

    That is such an awesome picture!! Washington crossing the Delaware right? But your story is so much more awesome. Your imagination is such an amazing gift!!

  6. Valerie Said:

    I know this may be a bit forward… But I want to hang out and drink beer with you.



  7. Monica Said:

    OMG! I LOOOOOOVE these too! I am laughing so hard and I believe their stories.
    I was telling my sister about Rufus and she almost busted her stitches. (she had a liver transplant). These are very special. Yes, they are! I would love to have them too but my dogs would try to eat them.

  8. Thera Said:

    So truthfully I wasnt going to read this. It is really long and I am so tired. But then I read the comments and figured I BETTER read it! Glad I did. My daughter had to ask what was wrong cuz I was laughing so hard! This is EPIC!

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