June 27, 2013

Summers are for lovers (of caves, rivers, scaring neighbors, dead squirrels, and constipation).

I’ve been living out of a suitcase for 9 days so far. This is the first time that I’ve touched the computer in days. It’s not because I haven’t wanted to touch it. Believe me, I’ve dreamed of my normal morning routine for the last 9 days, but alas, that dream has not come to fruition.

As most of you know, a perfect Patti morning routine consists of 4 things:

(1) Coffee
(2) Computer
(3) Matt Lauer Lady Boner
(4) Morning Constitutional

When I’m traveling, I’m unfortunately only able to complete 1 of these 4 things, and that 1 thing is the pouring of the coffee into my face hole.

Since we only travel with 1 computer, The Boy stakes claim to that pretty quickly, so there goes my mornings spent googling bad taxidermy and hovercraft blueprints.
NO COMPUTER 🙁

Since I am at someone else’s house, watching someone else’s tv, I gotta watch someone else’s morning shows.
NO MATT LAUER LADY BONER 🙁

Since my bowels are travel shy and if I don’t get a familiar toilet seat they will seize up, I get all backed up.
NO MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 🙁

Traveling is rough, you guys. Especially on my digestive system. But it’s also fun.

So far on this trip I have done the following:

I went on a private tour of Riverbluff Cave, which is the oldest fossil cave in North America (by far) and not open to the public, and saw things like this:

generalgallery_extra_89
And this:
pic_6These are claw marks from the long-extinct short-faced bear, still visible in the wet clay of the walls of Riverbluff Cave.
(Thank you Matt Forir and Carrie Mackey Hammond, for giving us this opportunity)

I taught my mom how to FINALLY meet her neighbors:

Image - Jun 21, 2013 19.50.21This is me, looking frustrated at my mom for being in the same place for TWO YEARS and still not knowing who shares her street. Could be a psycho murderer. Could be someone who looks like Channing Tatum and likes to walk around his house naked. Could be someone who loves to bake delicious things and share them with their friendly neighbors. Could be someone who could save her ass in the Zombie Apocalypse. Doesn’t matter which one of these it is, they are all totally amazing things that you miss out on if you’re an unsociable hermit. I walked down the street like this, and sat in someone’s driveway, facing their house, just staring and hoping that they would notice me and come out. And it worked!

pic
This is Jaclyn. She noticed me! She really noticed me!
You’re welcome, Mom.
I’m sorry, Jaclyn.
(In the interest of full disclosure I should tell you that the next day we were all in the car leaving my mom’s house and Jaclyn was outside so we honked and waved like clingy  psychos, and although she smiled and waved back, I think I saw a look in her eyes that said “Oh sweet Baby Jesus on a kaiser roll, what have I done?”)

I went on a float trip:

pmThis is me and my friend Margaret. She is gonna be hella pissed about this photo but I don’t care. I have known her since I was 15 and when you’ve known someone that long it doesn’t matter what you do cuz they will still love you. This photo is perfection because that look on her face cracks me up. I look all perky and she looks all “Why the frick am I on a raft with this moron?” It’s a valid question. (Update: I sent her this photo last night and she is ok with me posting it, but would like you all to know that she has no make-up on. Don’t worry Margaret, we didn’t think that you did.)

I fell in love with this little (dead) guy:

1010010_10201363799680632_355936106_nThis is Rufus Paddlwell. I met him at a flea market in Ozark, MO. and we fell in love. He told me all about his life and love of watersports. He’s very smart and surprisingly  lively  for a dead rodent, and he won my heart faster than you can say “Why the hell is that chick talking to a dead squirrel in a canoe?” Although I am a firm believer that you cannot put a price on love, the flea market thought otherwise and some scrooge decided that true love costs $150.00 plus tax. And although The Hub supposedly true loves ME, he doesn’t exactly get all smiley/happy when his true love wants to spend $150.00 plus tax on a dead rodent in a canoe. But for the life of me I don’t know why. You’d think that since 2 years later I’m still reeling from the loss of the dead lizard of my dreams, he’d wanna make amends and buy me Rufus. But if you thought that, you would be super wrong.

Fortunately, after posting a photo of Rufus (and his many cousins) on Facebook, a reader of mine named Tammy decided to purchase him, so I went back to the market and helped her purchase him over the phone. NOW I get to spend a week with him until I can deliver him to her, my trusting, naive, reader. And we get to do things like this:
Image - Jun 23, 2013 17.20.12

Play on a rope swing.

Image - Jun 24, 2013 16.12.25Ride a tricycle.

And lots more.

We are pretty bonded at this point, so if when Tammy finally gets him, good luck to her measuring up to my awesomeness.

So now I’m on day 9 of my trip and I have 4 more to go. Then I will be home for 2 weeks and leave again for 2 weeks. Then I will be home for 2 days and leave again for a week. THIS is my summer. And this is why I use guest bloggers. My mind is mush. BUT I CARE ABOUT YOU GUYS AND I WANT YOU TO BE ENTERTAINED AND HAPPY, EVEN WHEN I AM WANDERING AROUND LIKE A VAGABOND AND LOSING MY MIND!

P.S. Don’t forget to check out all of the blogs on my blogroll who donated to Team Jeremy, and PLEASE don’t forget to come and meet me in Chicago on July 26th to hear me read some dumb story and sign your boobs. There will also be 14 of my awesome co-authors there too. IT WILL BE AMAZING! And don’t forget, if you need a book you MUST have a ticket. If you already have a book, you’re good to go. I hope to see you there.
Chicago I JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE Book Signing 072613 #peealone 15

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6 Responses to “Summers are for lovers (of caves, rivers, scaring neighbors, dead squirrels, and constipation).”

  1. Patti Said:

    I prefer the meramec. It’s pretty and quiet. AND it’s right by my dad’s house.

  2. Angie Smith Said:

    Dying with laughter right now! I’ve been reading your blogs for awhile but have only ever commented on things on Facebook. Thought I’d try this out. I’m a comment virgin. Kinda scared! Love your stories about your bowel hang-ups….My brother and I have similar issues. We have to plan almost every outing around our bowels!

  3. Susan Said:

    I am totally bummed that Rufus did not plank something-
    What a crappy summer! 🙂

  4. Devan Said:

    I am coming to Chicago!! I cant wait to meet everyone in person since I have been stalking all of yall for over a year now…I have a book, but I thought I still had to buy a ticket, so I did. Now I will have two books. I am so stoked!
    <3 Devan

  5. Mom Rants and Comfy Pants Said:

    I’d love to read a guest post from Rufus!

  6. Jill P Said:

    You will be signing “boobs”? This could go well for you, or very very wrong….

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