June 2, 2013
Last Thursday while I was drinking my morning coffee and stalking my Facebook Newsfeed, I saw that my friend Renee had posted a video. I don’t usually click on video links because I am super impatient, have the attention span of a gnat, and just waiting for that 3 second ad to get over before I watch a youtube video is enough to send me over the edge. But this time I clicked on the link. Why? Because of this:
Look at the pink. And the white. And the jazz hands. And the hair. And the words “springy,” “rhythmic,” and “Prancercise.” I knew before I even clicked the link, that there was something magical inside. And when I saw that my friends had made comments like “That was painful!” and “I couldn’t finish it!” I knew that it was something that I was gonna love.
And love it I did.
As soon as I watched it (about 4 times), I immediately started texting my friends and making plans to bring my Prancercise dreams to life.
“We HAVE to do this! I’ve been dreaming about it my whole morning! For 15 long minutes I’ve been trying to make my dreams come true! I’ve never wanted anything so bad at 10:51 on a Thursday morning as I want this! EVER! It’s my destiny and I shall not give up on this goal until I achieve it! Or until I get hungry. Or tired. Or Bored. Or distracted. Or feel like watching tv. DESTINY, THY NAME IS PRANCERCISE!”
Even though my friends had lots of stuff going on (like taking care of kids, planning birthday parties, grocery shopping, blah blah blah) they dropped it all to come and help me because they love me. Or because they are afraid of me. Or because they wanted to see me make a fool out of myself in front of lots of people. One of those.
So anyways, we did this:
I know. I know. You’re speechless, right? You’ve lost a few thousand brain cells, you’re in a semi-catatonic state, and all you can say is “camel toe” over and over again. You probably can’t even read this because the parts of your brain that were responsible for reading are now melted and coming out of your ears. Don’t worry. That’s normal. The good news is that it’s reversible and should go away in a few days if you curl up in the fetal position, suck your thumb, cry a little bit, don’t let your gaze land on anyone’s crotchal region, and stay away from my blog.
I’m sure you have lots of questions for me. Or maybe just one. Yeah, probably just one.
Let me explain…
That was not my real camel toe. I swear. Not that I would be ashamed if it were. If that puppy were real I would be shouting it from the rooftops. I would make it it’s own calendar. It would have it’s own Facebook Fan Page and blog. It would get interviewed by Matt Lauer. But alas, it’s not mine. While I do have my own camel toe that makes an appearance when I’m in my yoga pants and doing pilates (you can ask Chocolate Thunder about that), it was not up to the task of starring in it’s own youtube video. It has no star quality. No stage presence. It’s small and shy and not quite vivid enough for video.
So I made a little movie magic. Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the Camel Toe-torial:
And there you have it! Your own step by step guide of how to MacGuyver yourself a puffy vajayjay.
You’re welcome, America.
Ever since I posted that youtube video last night, two things have been happening:
(1) I have discovered that TONS of people don’t really get the joke. Some people seem to think that I am THE Prancercise woman. Yep. The one in the original video. I keep getting email saying things like “I saw you on The Today Show!” and “When I saw that video I KNEW it was you!” I guess that means that I did a really good job looking like her. Although I could be crying and doing Jager shots because so many people think I am a senior citizen, I am choosing to be flattered that with only $20.00 and a couple of hours, I fooled so many people. I mean, sure, I’ve had a few beers and dropped a crapload of money on anti-wrinkle creams and scheduled a few Botox injections, but I’m flattered. I swear.
(2) The analytics from this blog now show that one of the top search terms leading people here is “Insane in The Mom-Brain camel toe.”
I am very proud of this. For reals. Who wouldn’t be?
I think the Von Trapp family said it best when they sang:
Climb every mountain,
Ford every stream,
Follow every camel toe,
‘Til you find your dreams.
Ok. Maybe it didn’t go exactly like that. But it should have. Just imagine what it woulda been like if the Von Trapps had Prancercised over those mountains into Swtizerland? I shudder. I shudder with pure joy.
I think I have a new dream…
P.S. My friend Rachael helped me come up with editing ideas for this. She is HILARIOUS and awesome, so please go check out her blog RachRiot. Thank you!
27 Responses to “Some girls stuff their bras. I stuff my pants. Then I Prancercise.”
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