June 2, 2013

Some girls stuff their bras. I stuff my pants. Then I Prancercise.

Last Thursday while I was drinking my morning coffee and stalking my Facebook Newsfeed, I saw that my friend Renee had posted a video. I don’t usually click on video links because I am super impatient, have the attention span of a gnat, and just waiting for that 3 second ad to get over before I watch a youtube video is enough to send me over the edge. But this time I clicked on the link. Why? Because of this:

Click the photo above to watch!

Look at the pink. And the white. And the jazz hands. And the hair. And the words “springy,” “rhythmic,” and “Prancercise.”  I knew before I even clicked the link, that there was something magical inside. And when I saw that my friends had made comments like “That was painful!” and “I couldn’t finish it!” I knew that it was something that I was gonna love.

And love it I did.

As soon as I watched it (about 4 times), I immediately started texting my friends and making plans to bring my Prancercise dreams to life.

“We HAVE to do this! I’ve been dreaming about it my whole morning! For 15 long minutes I’ve been trying to make my dreams come true! I’ve never wanted anything so bad at 10:51 on a Thursday morning as I want this! EVER! It’s my destiny and I shall not give up on this goal until I achieve it! Or until I get hungry. Or tired. Or Bored. Or distracted. Or feel like watching tv. DESTINY, THY NAME IS PRANCERCISE!”

Even though my friends had lots of stuff going on (like taking care of kids, planning birthday parties, grocery shopping, blah blah blah) they dropped it all to come and help me because they love me. Or because they are afraid of me. Or because they wanted to see me make a fool out of myself in front of lots of people. One of those.

So anyways, we did this:

I know. I know. You’re speechless, right? You’ve lost a few thousand brain cells, you’re in a semi-catatonic state, and all you can say is “camel toe” over and over again. You probably can’t even read this because the parts of your brain that were responsible for reading are now melted and coming out of your ears. Don’t worry. That’s normal. The good news is that it’s reversible and should go away in a few days if you curl up in the fetal position, suck your thumb, cry a little bit, don’t let your gaze land on anyone’s crotchal region, and stay away from my blog.

I’m sure you have lots of questions for me. Or maybe just one. Yeah, probably just one.

Let me explain…

That was not my real camel toe. I swear. Not that I would be ashamed if it were. If that puppy were real I would be shouting it from the rooftops. I would make it it’s own calendar. It would have it’s own Facebook Fan Page and blog. It would get interviewed by Matt Lauer. But alas, it’s not mine. While I do have my own camel toe that makes an appearance when I’m in my yoga pants and doing pilates (you can ask Chocolate Thunder about that), it was not up to the task of starring in it’s own youtube video. It has no star quality. No stage presence. It’s small and shy and not quite vivid enough for video.

So I made a little movie magic. Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the Camel Toe-torial:
Untitled 2 - Sign

Untitled 3 - Sign

And there you have it! Your own step by step guide of how to MacGuyver yourself a puffy vajayjay.

You’re welcome, America. 

Ever since I posted that youtube video last night, two things have been happening:

(1) I have discovered that TONS of people don’t really get the joke. Some people seem to think that I am THE Prancercise woman. Yep. The one in the original video. I keep getting email saying things like “I saw you on The Today Show!” and “When I saw that video I KNEW it was you!”  I guess that means that I did a really good job looking like her. Although I could be crying and doing Jager shots because so many people think I am a senior citizen, I am choosing to be flattered that with only $20.00 and a couple of hours, I fooled so many people. I mean, sure, I’ve had a few beers and dropped a crapload of money on anti-wrinkle creams and scheduled a few Botox injections, but I’m flattered. I swear.

(2) The analytics from this blog now show that one of the top search terms leading people here is “Insane in The Mom-Brain camel toe.”

ctI am very proud of this. For reals. Who wouldn’t be?

I think the Von Trapp family said it best when they sang:

Climb every mountain,
Ford every stream,
Follow every camel toe,
‘Til you find your dreams.

Ok. Maybe it didn’t go exactly like that. But it should have. Just imagine what it woulda been like if the Von Trapps had Prancercised over those mountains into Swtizerland? I shudder. I shudder with pure joy.

I think I have a new dream…

P.S. My friend Rachael helped me come up with editing ideas for this. She is HILARIOUS and awesome, so please go check out her blog RachRiot. Thank you!

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28 Responses to “Some girls stuff their bras. I stuff my pants. Then I Prancercise.”

  1. Peggy Coons Said:

    Holy crap Patti. People think you’re 61?? This is an epic video. Legendary even. But, wait. You’ve got to read the article on the real Prancercize lady. She had a female condition that prevented her from taking Prancercizing…like to a global craze in the 80s. And she wrote a whole BOOK on it. Unbelievable! http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/05/30/prancercise-creator-on-her-wacky-workout-and-being-too-famous-to-prancercise.html AND http://www.amazon.com/Prancercise-The-Physical-Spiritual-Excellence/dp/159594690X/ref=as_at/?tag=thedailybeast-autotag-20&linkCode=as2&

  2. Sadie Said:

    My kids made me do it too. At 9 months pregnant. We skipped the camel toe though.

  3. Sandy Said:

    I am a huge fan of the original work . . . and this just expands my joy!!! Thank you!!

  4. PurpleCarol Said:

    OMG – I now have camel-toe envy.
    Too funny

  5. Karen B Said:

    OMG I laughed so hard I snorted cappuccino out of my nose and made my 6 year old daughter laugh at me while I was crying! Your video was soooooo much better than the original you kinda make me wanna dress up and do the prancersize down my street too but I’m not as brave as you! I love reading your posts on Facebook especially about “the Boy” conversations they crack me up…

  6. Stacey Said:

    I can hardly breathe from the severe laughter I was trying to hold in so that I wouldn’t miss one ounce of this! You ROCKED it!

  7. Patti Said:

    Haha! Thank you!

  8. Threesacrowd Said:

    Holy shit that made me laugh so fucking hard! Prancersize needed a parody!

  9. Tracy @ Momaical Said:

    Oh my goodness. That is hilariously disturbing. Or disturbingly hilarious. Either way – a Prancertastic WIN.

  10. Patti Said:

    Thank you!

  11. She'll Wolfe Said:

    I love all your blogs. They are so awesome. You are the awesomest ever. I saw the original video the same day you did and I was amazed that anyone would pay thar woman to make a book on that. But you are way worth paying!!!! Do more insane videos of more bad things! Anywho. I just wanted to say GOOD JOB. You have cool friends too! Looking forward to more Insane in the Mom-Brain antics.

  12. chris swingen Said:

    You are one crazy lady! Thanks so much for making my morning. Still laughing and think this laugh is going to be with me all day!!!

  13. Jill P Said:

    I’m not sure, but I may have laughed even harder over the tutorial “How to” than the video! Might be a tie! Omg….I think you’ve extended my life by 10 years. Laughter is the best!! xo thank you!!

  14. diane brooks Said:

    Dear heart, get OUTA my brain~~ it’s freakin me out more and more each time I read your words-(which are pearls, I tell ya!). I do believe we were separated at birth, kinda scary…I thought I was the only goofball that thought like this. Nice to know there are more of us!!!! Keep up the ‘crazy talk’! peace, love and camel toe. <3

  15. Ace Said:

    You have started a revolution. Now so many more people can enjoy you as much as we do.

  16. Jo Ann Said:

    I can’t believe that people think that you are the original camel toe Pracercise Lady. They either aren’t to smart or don’t see that well or both. Your video is a riot! I wish I lived in your neighborhood..you could camel toe Prancercise up and down the street and I would sit in my lawn chair drinking a cold one laughing at you until I peed myself! Keep up your fantastic work! I was hoping in your video you would have said punch someone in the face instead of space..it would have made me laugh even more.

  17. Mom Rants and Comfy Pants Said:

    That was ALL kinds of hilarious!! Those close ups with your crazy lipstick and an ACTUAL camel’s toe had me snorting. Loved everything about it!!!

  18. Erin Said:

    Omg you are awesome!!! Hahaha

  19. Leslie Kelley Said:

    You girls have way too much time on your hands. Mom Brain, you need to work with that last filly that joined your herd…she’s a little lame. Send her back to Alabama. She’s not right.

  20. Bill Downey Said:

    Too funny, I love your video!!! Great job!!

  21. Cara Lyn Erickson Said:

    Haha. Hilarious. I can see why your video is getting confused with the real one. That is a very accurate representation you’ve got going on there. BTW, I saw the real Prancercise video on CNN last week. Can you believe that?! CNN! I guess that’s not so bad… that there’s not enough “real news” to fill up their show so they have to insert Prancercise. Anywho, great job!

  22. TNMom Said:

    OMG!! LOL, this was so freaking hilarious! Thank you! <3 Devan

  23. Cara Lyn Erickson Said:

    I just saw your spoof video on CNN!!!

  24. Mommy Said:

    So like I read stuff while in the bathroom. So I’m watching the video amd my 2 year old strips down naked and starts prancersizing around the bathroom.

    I’m literally dead. and crying while laughing so hard I snort and sound like goofie.

  25. Yvonne Said:

    45 seconds in I had to take a break. I just couldn’t breathe….. as I recover from a cold I have difficulty taking in air when I’m laughing so hard (which causes me to cough more) and falling out of my chair at the same time. I will continue watching but it could take all day 🙂

  26. Sara :D Said:

    Just in case you didn’t already know…

    When I went to Jamaica I learned that men there don’t go for oral. In fact, if you are a woman who goes down then you called a bobcat and looked down upon. Therefore, I have no idea why Jamaicans would be eating any balls, mon!

  27. Duncan Said:

    Oh. My. God.The Prancersise lady is funny, but you are the BOMB. I know this is an old post, but I just found it, and you’ve made my day. My week. Hell, my month. You are my hero.

    I haven’t laughed that hard in quite a while. Thank you.

  28. Bob Bacon Said:

    There are vacuum pumps for that if you really want a cameltoe.

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