May 15, 2013
Some of my most common memories from childhood involve my parents saying things like “Say that again! Do that again! What was that face you made? Make that again! Now try saying that without using your hands! If you keep moving your arms so much when you talk you’re gonna fly away!” Basically I was what was known as an expressive child, and it wasn’t only when I was talking. I was just born with a face that would betray every thought or emotion that I was having at any given moment.
These things are still true.
Now I’m grown-up (physically not mentally) and I have a child who is often saying to me “Make that face again!” while I try and try to recreate the elusive mystery face for his pleasure, and end up failing terribly.
“THAT’S NOT THE FACE, MOM! MAKE THE FACE YOU MADE A MINUTE AGO!”
“Oh, you mean you want me to do an exact duplicate of the face I made that I couldn’t see because it was ON MY OWN FACE?”
I also have a husband who is often saying to me “Oh my God, please NEVER EVER make that face again!” while he shudders like he’s having flashbacks from some long ago horror in Nam or something.
So believe me when I tell you that I KNOW that I have a problem. I guess I just didn’t know how BIG of a problem it was until I saw myself on a talk show last week.
I know that we ALL have an inner dialogue in which we think things like “WTF is this idiot talking about?” or “I seriously wanna hit her in the face with my shoe” or “I’m so freaking bored I would make out with a hobo’s dog right now” and other things like that. We ALL have that. It’s just that some people have the gift of keeping an attentive smile on their faces during those thoughts while others (ME! ME! ME!) totally don’t.
Due to the success of the book I Just Want To Pee Alone, along with the fact that I wrote the producers a weird letter about why they should have us on the show, I was invited onto the Mother’s Day episode of a talk show called Great Day Houston along with my co-authors Rachael (of RachRiot), and Kelley (of Kelley’s Break Room). If you’ve never been on a talk show before, allow me to let you in on a little secret: You will see things about yourself that you have never had the opportunity to see before. You will see these things and you will gaze in wild wonder at the horrors you have found.
After my FOX interview I did a little screen shot extravaganza blog post that showed all of the stupid things that I did and told all of the even stupider things that were going on in my head and/or behind the scenes at the time. That post was a big hit. And since this TV appearance was a much bigger clusterfuck than that one was, I figured that I needed to do it again.
There are 47 awful screen shots. Yes. Forty. Seven. I can’t possibly show them all here so I have chosen my favorite and most embarrassing ones to post into various categories of horror.
Category 1: Idiotic Expressions. AKA Patti’s Silly Putty Face
These are screenshots from various parts of the show. They are all taken when I am just being me. Yep. THIS is totally me.
Category 2: Outta Control Hands. AKA If I Had A Tambourine We’d All Be Jammin’ Right Now
The truth is out. I sometimes (always) move my hands like a psycho when I talk .
Category 3: “Penny For Patti’s Thoughts,” Said Nobody Ever.
Do I think you are saying something dumb? Do I think you are a moron? Am I’m confused? Do I wish you would STFU? Do I think you are so boring that I want to run into a busy intersection just so I can stop hearing your mouth sounds? You don’t have to wonder for long. Just open your eyeballs and look at my face. It will tell you everything. Just like Shakira’s hips, it don’t lie.
Category 3: Oh! You Mean The Red Light Means We Are On TV???
Some media savvy people know it’s best to ALWAYS be smiling when you’re in the vicinity of a camera, just in case you’re being filmed. I am nothing if not the total opposite of media savvy. If I’m sitting around doing nothing, I just go to my special lala land until someone says something to me. Case in point…
Category 4: At Least My Friends Look Stupid Too
Even if it IS only 1 time compared to my 100. And they are awesome enough to let me share them with you.
Left-This is when Rachael forgot the question and did a Cindy Brady for, like, infinity seconds. To be fair, it wasn’t her fault. In between the host asking me the question and then asking Rachael the question, she told a story about her kid and by the time she finished, Rachael was in lala land.
Right-I have no idea what Kelley is doing but I’m ok with it.
Bottom: This is when Kelley answered a question with the answer to a different question that the host had previously asked, so I am looking at her like she is an idiot. To be fair AGAIN, Kelley never got a chance to answer the first question because the host told another story about her kid, and by the time she was done Kelley had gone to the same lala land that Rachael had visited earlier. I went there once too. There are cotton candy and ponies there and it’s pretty awesome.
After the show we actually got a few decent photos of ourselves with the host and then with my pile-o-friends who were in the audience:
Even with all the frustrations and ugly faces, we had a good time and it was great practice for when I someday take over The Today Show. Obviously by “someday” I mean a long ass time from now. It looks like I have a lot of work to do before I am able to get on camera and be all fakey fakey poo poo and pretend to like things that I don’t like and pretend celebrities are interesting to me when they’re not. I highly doubt that NBC wants to give a job to a girl who looks at Gwyneth Paltrow like she’s a douchebag then yawns in her face, or laughs out loud when a Kardashian is telling me about her difficult life in the spotlight. But I’m patient. Wait… Actually I’m not patient. At all. But I AM forgetful. And forgetfulness works really, really well when you don’t have patience because you forget what you were being impatient about in the first place, so it’s all good.
P.S. You can watch both parts of the show here. The first one is the interview with the 3 of us. The second one is when I was on a Q & A panel with the host and a therapist (who said something very annoying that I wrote about last week).
Click on the boxes to watch.
And If by any chance you want to hear an interview where I actually got to talk enough to really get comfortable and let my personality out a bit, check out my favorite interview yet on Hines’ Side Show (Springfield’s US97). It’s over an hour long and it was really fun. Especially once we got to the news segment and I did my impression of giant tortoises having sex. Enjoy!
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