May 11, 2013
Being a mom is hard.
We all know that.
Unless we are freaking idiots.
Now, let me start by saying that I don’t like to get on my bloggy high horse very often. You all know that I much prefer my low unicorn because he’s adorable, doesn’t take much effort to climb onto, and when I’ve had too much Modelo I can fall off and I won’t get hurt. The low unicorn totally rules.
But today I am getting out one of The Hub’s ladders and climbing waaaaayyyyy up on my high horse. Drunken falls be damned!
Being. A. Mom. Is. Hard.
Every mom knows that once you squeeze a squealing human out of your nethers, you aren’t gonna have much –if any- time left for yourself for a long time. From that point on you will be doing mom things and wife things and not much of the good old me things. You won’t have time for all of the selfish things that you used to do back before you were a mom, and when you DO have some precious free time, what you choose to do with that time will change.
Today I made my live television debut on a talk show called Great Day Houston. After a segment about the book I Just Want To Pee Alone, I was invited to join the host and a therapist in a segment to answer audience questions about parenting. I’m no therapist, but I DO know all about mom stuff, because guess what? I’m a mom.
During this segment we were asked why there seem to be so many (non-working) women at school in the morning that look like they’re on their way to a Vogue photo shoot after they drop their kids off at school. I don’t know why some women roll like that, but hey, to each her own. What someone wears for morning carpool has no effect on my life, and what I wear in morning carpool should have no effect on anyone else’s life.
That’s when I mentioned that I drive my son to school every morning while rockin’ my PJ’s and a cup of coffee.
And that’s when the therapist piped in and said “It’s important in relationships to not completely let yourself go…it takes maybe 2 seconds to switch into a pair of yoga pants instead of a pair of plaid pajama pants.”
And that’s when I said “Hey! I wear plaid pajama pants!”
And that’s when I WANTED to say “Hey! Put on some yoga pants and go suck a dong!”
But you can’t say that on television.
But oh man how I wanted to say that on television.
As a matter of fact, I wanted to say lots of things.
I wanted to say that I suppose when you are a very young, unmarried, childless, girl, it’s easy peasy to imagine the perfect June Cleaver future where you will have 2 children, a wonderful husband, keep yourself in shape, buy wonderful clothes, and put on full makeup and style your hair every day just to take your kids to school. But guess what? Motherhood is hard. And motherhood is exhausting. And guess what else? After you push a tiny human out of your in-between, your priorities change.
I wanted to say that if you had kids you would realize that it’s not all about you and how beautiful you look at 8 am every day. It’s about getting your kids up, getting them dressed, feeding them breakfast, packing their lunch, making sure they have their shit together for school, being able to kick it into overdrive and help them finish some homework if they don’t have their shit together for school, and then loading them up and getting them there before the tardy bell rings.
I wanted to say that if you had kids you would realize that they don’t give 2 shits what kind of pants you are wearing in the carpool lane. I wanted to say that even if your kids did give 2 shits, you would probably wear those pants even more because you’re a mom and you when you’re a mom it’s fun to annoy your kids like that.
I wanted to say that when you’re a mom there are some days when you are so busy it’s a miracle that you are even wearing any pants at all. I wanted to say that wearing pajamas for carpool in no way means that you’ve let yourself go. I wanted to say that even if a mom HAS let herself go, she totally has the right to let herself go because that probably means she’s focusing on the shit ton of other stuff that she has to do every day to keep a family and a household running smoothly, and is putting herself and her needs last, as most mothers do.
The reason that I wear my pajama pants to school is because I’m waiting until after my kid is up, fed, and delivered to school, to focus on myself.
When you’re a mom you have to let a lot of your narcissistic bullshit go.
When you’re a mom you learn to give up on your young, idiotic dreams of 1950’s tv mom perfection.
When you’re a mom you know what is and what isn’t important in your life.
When you’re a mom you know that if you have any down time in the mornings and you use it to hang out with your kids while they watch cartoons instead of primping in the bathroom mirror, they will remember that.
When you’re a mom you know that if you wear pajamas to drop your kids off at school it won’t make them love you any less, and it won’t make your husband want you any less, and it won’t make anyone except a young, childless, totally out of touch idiot, think that you’ve let yourself go.
When you’re a mom you know that that person will eat their words some day. Most likely when there’s no time to eat anything else but maybe an old half-eaten pop tart that she found in the couch cushions while she was in the living room feeding her baby in the middle of the night so she doesn’t wake up her husband because he has to go to work early in the morning while she stays home and gets cried, snotted, and pooped on, plus tries to find time to do the laundry, the house cleaning, the cooking, and the errands, all while trying to entertain and educate her children so that they will grow into smart, caring, open-minded people who don’t judge others for things that they know absolutely nothing about.
So to ALL of the young, naive, judgy, un-married, childless girls of the world: Feel free to call me in a few years after you get married, have kids, and show up in carpool with not only your pajamas on, but spit-up on your face, or poop on your hands, or one boob sticking out of your shirt because you were so exhausted while you were breastfeeding your youngest that morning that you forgot to put your boob away. Feel free to call me when you are raising people, taking care of a household, and possibly even working outside of the home, and you you realize that the last thing on your mind is what kind of pants you have on. Feel free to call me after you have spent countless busy days in your pajama pants and someone tells you that you have let yourself go. Feel free to call me after you start fantasizing about stabbing those people in the junk. And please, OH PLEASE, feel MORE than free to call me when you need to talk about the rage that you feel after someone who knows absolutely nothing about your life starts judging you for the kind of pants you’re wearing in the mornings before you’ve even had time to have a shower and a morning poop. I’m not a therapist, but I AM a mom, and I can probably talk you through it.
And by the way, in case you didn’t notice, the reason that I was on Great Day Houston was because I wrote a chapter in a book called I Just Want To Pee Alone. It’s a book about motherhood, and the title is really, super, appropriate, because once you’re a mom you won’t even have any time to yourself to freaking pee alone. If you plan to give advice to moms and you know nothing about being a mom, then maybe you need to read it. And guess what? You can read it all in one sitting since you probably get to pee alone all of the time.
And P.S. I wrote this entire thing while wearing my plaid pajama pants.
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