May 11, 2013

At Least I’m WEARING Pants! (An ode to moms)

Being a mom is hard.

We all know that.

Unless we are freaking idiots.

Now, let me start by saying that I don’t like to get on my bloggy high horse very often. You all know that I much prefer my low unicorn because he’s adorable, doesn’t take much effort to climb onto, and when I’ve had too much Modelo I can fall off and I won’t get hurt. The low unicorn totally rules.

But today I am getting out one of The Hub’s ladders and climbing waaaaayyyyy up on my high horse. Drunken falls be damned!

Being. A. Mom. Is. Hard.

Every mom knows that once you squeeze a squealing human out of your nethers, you aren’t gonna have much –if any- time left for yourself for a long time. From that point on you will be doing mom things and wife things and not much of the good old me things. You won’t have time for all of the selfish things that you used to do back before you were a mom, and when you DO have some precious free time, what you choose to do with that time will change.

Today I made my live television debut on a talk show called Great Day Houston. After a segment about the book I Just Want To Pee Alone, I was invited to join the host and a therapist in a segment to answer audience questions about parenting. I’m no therapist, but I DO know all about mom stuff, because guess what? I’m a mom.

During this segment we were asked why there seem to be so many (non-working) women at school in the morning that look like they’re on their way to a Vogue photo shoot after they drop their kids off at school. I don’t know why some women roll like that, but hey, to each her own. What someone wears for morning carpool has no effect on my life, and what I wear in morning carpool should have no effect on anyone else’s life.

That’s when I mentioned that I drive my son to school every morning while rockin’ my PJ’s and a cup of coffee.

And that’s when the therapist piped in and said “It’s important in relationships to not completely let yourself go…it takes maybe 2 seconds to switch into a pair of yoga pants instead of a pair of plaid pajama pants.”

And that’s when I said “Hey! I wear plaid pajama pants!”

And that’s when I WANTED to say “Hey! Put on some yoga pants and go suck a dong!”

But you can’t say that on television.

But oh man how I wanted to say that on television.

As a matter of fact, I wanted to say lots of things.

I wanted to say that I suppose when you are a very young, unmarried, childless, girl, it’s easy peasy to imagine the perfect June Cleaver future where you will have 2 children, a wonderful husband, keep yourself in shape, buy wonderful clothes, and put on full makeup and style your hair every day just to take your kids to school. But guess what? Motherhood is hard. And motherhood is exhausting. And guess what else? After you push a tiny human out of your in-between, your priorities change.

I wanted to say that if you had kids you would realize that it’s not all about you and how beautiful you look at 8 am every day. It’s about getting your kids up, getting them dressed, feeding them breakfast, packing their lunch, making sure they have their shit together for school, being able to kick it into overdrive and help them finish some homework if they don’t have their shit together for school, and then loading them up and getting them there before the tardy bell rings.

I wanted to say that if you had kids you would realize that they don’t give 2 shits what kind of pants you are wearing in the carpool lane. I wanted to say that even if your kids did give 2 shits, you would probably wear those pants even more because you’re a mom and you when you’re a mom it’s fun to annoy your kids like that.

wanted to say that when you’re a mom there are some days when you are so busy it’s a miracle that you are even wearing any pants at all. I wanted to say that wearing pajamas for carpool in no way means that you’ve let yourself go. I wanted to say that even if a mom HAS let herself go, she totally has the right to let herself go because that probably means she’s focusing on the shit ton of other stuff that she has to do every day to keep a family and a household running smoothly, and is putting herself and her needs last, as most mothers do.

The reason that I wear my pajama pants to school is because I’m waiting until after my kid is up, fed, and delivered to school, to focus on myself.

When you’re a mom you have to let a lot of your narcissistic bullshit go.

When you’re a mom you learn to give up on your young, idiotic dreams of 1950’s tv mom perfection.

When you’re a mom you know what is and what isn’t important in your life.

When you’re a mom you know that if you have any down time in the mornings and you use it to hang out with your kids while they watch cartoons instead of primping in the bathroom mirror, they will remember that.

When you’re a mom you know that if you wear pajamas to drop your kids off at school it won’t make them love you any less, and it won’t make your husband want you any less, and it won’t make anyone except a young, childless, totally out of touch idiot, think that you’ve let yourself go.

When you’re a mom you know that that person will eat their words some day. Most likely when there’s no time to eat anything else but maybe an old half-eaten pop tart that she found in the couch cushions while she was in the living room feeding her baby in the middle of the night so she doesn’t wake up her husband because he has to go to work early in the morning while she stays home and gets cried, snotted, and pooped on, plus tries to find time to do the laundry, the house cleaning, the cooking, and the errands, all while trying to entertain and educate her children so that they will grow into smart, caring, open-minded people who don’t judge others for things that they know absolutely nothing about.

So to ALL of the young, naive, judgy, un-married, childless girls of the world: Feel free to call me in a few years after you get married, have kids, and show up in carpool with not only your pajamas on, but spit-up on your face, or poop on your hands, or one boob sticking out of your shirt because you were so exhausted while you were breastfeeding your youngest that morning that you forgot to put your boob away. Feel free to call me when you are raising people, taking care of a household, and possibly even working outside of the home, and you you realize that the last thing on your mind is what kind of pants you have on. Feel free to call me after you have spent countless busy days in your pajama pants and someone tells you that you have let yourself go. Feel free to call me after you start fantasizing about stabbing those people in the junk. And please, OH PLEASE, feel MORE than free to call me when you need to talk about the rage that you feel after someone who knows absolutely nothing about your life starts judging you for the kind of pants you’re wearing in the mornings before you’ve even had time to have a shower and a morning poop. I’m not a therapist, but I AM a mom, and I can probably talk you through it.

And by the way, in case you didn’t notice, the reason that I was on Great Day Houston was because I wrote a chapter in a book called I Just Want To Pee Alone. It’s a book about motherhood, and the title is really, super, appropriate, because once you’re a mom you won’t even have any time to yourself to freaking pee alone. If you plan to give advice to moms and you know nothing about being a mom, then maybe you need to read it. And guess what? You can read it all in one sitting since you probably get to pee alone all of the time.

And P.S. I wrote this entire thing while wearing my plaid pajama pants.


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37 Responses to “At Least I’m WEARING Pants! (An ode to moms)”

  1. Bad Parenting Moments Said:

    Being a mom is hard. Period. And, how you look when you show up is the least important thing in the WORLD. All that matters IS THAT YOU SHOW UP. Great, great post.

  2. Mandie Potter Said:

    Thank you so much for this. I needed to read this so bad this morning.

  3. Meccala Said:

    That is THE most accurate and appropriate and wonderful thing I have EVER read!!!! That little twat needs sporked in the ovaries so as not to pollute the gene pool any further!!!

  4. Tracy Hilton Said:

    Thank you so much for saying this!! I was so pissed off when she said that! I used to think I would NEVER walk out of the house without makeup. Or brushing my hair. Or in PJ pants. Or that I might get wrinkles one day. Because I worried what people would think of me. Or I had let myself go. Today, not so much. I had a child come out of my hoo hoo in front of 4 other people. I have sat up all night with that same child while he had fever, vomiting on me, having diarrhea, almost incoherent he was so sick. What I look like really doesn’t matter at this point. What matters ARE those few moments in the morning you sit and watch cartoons with someone who thinks it is a big deal. Praising that same child for the rap song that you have heard him sing 300 times. And by the way, he thinks I sing beautifully, I am thin and pretty, I am the best mom in the world. So why would I care if you think I have let myself go? Happy Mother’s Day to all those PJ wearing moms out there that know what I mean. You deserve it!

  5. hollow tree ventures Said:

    Look at you, rocking the hell out of motherhood, even in your plaid PJ pants! Who knew you could be a decent, caring human being who loves and is loved by her family, despite the fact that you’re wearing pajama pants? Oh wait, EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. Except for idiots, apparently. Sure, it only takes a few seconds to change into yoga pants, but A) so does kissing my kids on the top of the head, which I’d rather do if I manage to have 2 spare seconds, and B)if I put on yoga pants, some other ass hat will judge me for not putting on jeans, and when I put on jeans, some other ass hat will judge me for not putting on real pants, and before you know it somebody’s judging me because my linen chinos are wrinkly and I have to kick them in the crotch, which is such a pain in the ass to explain to the judge.

  6. Anna Said:

    I love this post.

    I’m wearing pajama pants right now.

    That is all.

    Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day!

  7. Kimberley VanVolkinburg Said:


  8. Connie Moreno Hayes Said:

    OMG!!! I love you!! Everything you said is so TRUE!! Went thru all of what you said with my 5 children. And now I am a 63yr. old grandma raising 3 of her 11 grandchildren and I still “Want To Pee Alone!!!!” lolol You rock girl!!

  9. Terri Lynne Said:

    You GOT IT! There are things that are important and waaaaay too many things that aren’t. Those that focus on the stupid shit pretty much deserve the superficial “reality” that they created. As the mother of 3 who has survived it all, I can proudly stand up and say…you have figured it out, Patti. 🙂

  10. Jennifer Carson Said:

    I loved reading this your blog this morning. Being the first thing I read I was in my pj’s. I completely agree with you. My time for me is after my son leaves for school and my husband is bed sleeping for the day before another night being a truck driver. But i love being a mom and sometimes your most comfy cloths are your pj pants and a tank top. Thank you I needed the smile this morning.

  11. Kay Johnston Said:

    Pajama pants are a necessity! Love this post!

  12. Tara at YKIHAYHT Said:

    This is it. Motherhood in a nutshell. Most of the time I’m lucky to feed myself, have a couple cups of coffee, a morning constitutional, not to mention putting on pants and a bra before lunchtime. It isn’t because I don’t give a shit about my appearance, there just isn’t time. Unless I got up at 4 AM and that damn sure isn’t gonna happen. Great post Patti!

  13. Adrienne Lutz Said:

    This is ALL kinds of amazing. Thank you for having your priorities straight and so eloquently making your point!

  14. Cheri Said:

    Could not have been said any better! Watch now that stupid therapist is gonna write a book or something called PJ it affects your children and others around you. That stupid bitch needs to loosen up, put on a pair of *comfy* plaid PJ Pants and then she needs to go drink a giant cup of Shut The Fuck Up!!!

  15. Julia Said:

    I love this so hard. I was a babysitter/nanny/older sibling too and I knew it was going to be hard but holy hand biscuits I had NO idea how hard. I am always so in awe of the mom’s at my son’s school who have 3 kids, that show up wearing pants. I tell them that all the time and they look at me funny. What I don’t tell them is I drove past the exit twice this am, I am wearing what I wore to bed last night and have not brushed anything yet and I only have one kid. I swore I would be put together, have lots of sex and still be a fun, go out and enjoy my life mom(silently to myself) and 8 years later voila-NOT EVEN CLOSE. She will hurt hard when it happens to her. She will know in that moment of realization and she will call your publicist(you will be very famous) and apologize and beg forgiveness. We are all kick ass moms no matter what we are wearing, we show up and we care and we love. Rock those pj’s!

  16. RachRiot Said:

    I don’t even have to say it, cuz I was there… but this rocks. Hard. That clueless twat-waffle can eat a bag of dicks.

  17. Amanda Bombard Said:

    Oh Patti, im screaming at my phone reading this!!! I wish youd jumped up and surprise buttsecksed her!!! Stupid Judgey McJudgerson twat!!!

  18. SharonDoesBaskets Said:

    ROFLOL!!! A friend shared this on FB, and I’m actually up in the middle of the night (on MOTHER’s DAY, no less) reading it because I have SO MUCH on my MOM to-do list that the brain won’t let me sleep. I had to opt NOT to go to my own Mother’s house for this weekend because I have too much of my own MOM JOBS to do here! I’m not in pajama pants (because I don’t wear any…they make me claustrophobic), but I TOTALLY GET EVERYTHING YOU SAID! And it’s not just the KIDS that won’t let you pee alone…the DH and the CAT have to barge in, too! :S HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO YOU!! 😀

  19. TK Said:

    Hi there, new yo your blog! Congratulations on the talk show appearance, and I must say – everything in this post spoke to me. How very true! Let’s not have the ‘ideal’ size/wardrobe/style for a mom, please, people on the other side?!

  20. Linsey Said:

    Thank you for writing the truth about being a mom. My mom and grandma brought brother and I up; with Dad! I don’t know how she could have done it without Gma! Her and Dad worked full time Gran worked part time at our Jr. High cafeteria; however, Mom always looked like a million bucks! I, on the other hand am the “At least I’m wearing pants” mom. My problem is I don’t mind the pants, it’s the bra I hate!!!! Thanks again, Linsey

  21. Michele Said:

    This is so validating, thank you!!!! You GET me! 🙂

  22. Noelle Said:

    Love it! I only have one. .. but sonetimes if I have on a heavy sweatshirt not only do I go to daycare in my pj pants… but I dont always even put on a bra. Just one point. .. not everyone pushes their little precious time suckers out. I adopted and trust me… im just as tired

  23. Mom Rants and Comfy Pants Said:

    I absolutely LOVED everything you said here. I have been raising kids for almost 20 years now and they couldn’t give a flying fig newton WHAT I wear as long as they don’t get a tardy slip. Once, I had car trouble and had to walk home in those PJ pants and it didn’t phase me a bit. Sure, I got a few looks from the moms in their business suits on their way to their fabulous jobs in their fabulous offices. I could feel their judgement so I gave them the one finger salute. Luckily, a cool fellow mom stopped to pick me up and drive me the rest of the way to my house because I just don’t get the workouts in as much as I’d like. Guess what? She was rockin’ a pair of PJ pants too!! I just love you Patty. Thanks for keeping it real!!

  24. Tanya Said:

    Love this!! I always bring my kids to school in my pjamas. They don’t care so why should anyone else. Sometimes I wear them all day because I am too busy cleaning, doing laundry and making meals to shower and they are comfortable for working in. If someone doesn’t like it or understand then that it their problem not mine. My only concern is my kids not other people’s opinions of me or what I wear.

  25. Jill Said:

    You so get me! Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there! PJ pants, yoga pants, no pants… It’s all good!

  26. Sabrina Moon Said:

    I am going to be a first time mother. I applaud you for speaking up. Mothers (in my opinion) do not need to justify why they dress the way they do. Awesome article!

  27. Kathy Coleman Said:

    I wear what I want and when I want. Some days are just a little shittier than others amd I barely get our of yoga pants. Other days are really good and I might actually put on a shirt with buttons 🙂 As long as you are comfortable with yourself, doesn’t matter what other people think! LOVE LOVE your blog!

  28. Jen at Said:

    I just saw the segment Patti and I commend you on your restraint. I think I might have turned to her and said, “You know what? Why don’t you call me in a couple of years when you’re on the carpool line with your kids and let me know what you’re wearing, because I’m going to bet if they are yoga pants, they’ll be the same ones you’ve worn for two weeks.” Plus, how dumb was this show to bring on a woman who has no parenting experience to give parenting advice? They would have done better to leave you, Rachael, and Kelli on and let you three real experts answer the questions and reassure the moms in the audience, that not putting on makeup or even yoga pants for drop off is “letting yourself go”. This women hasn’t got a clue what’s in store for her. Great response, Patti and congrats to all three of you on your television appearance!

  29. Jill P Said:

    P.J. bottoms ARE my yoga pants… there, Missy Therapissy! 😛 So, where’d you get your PJ bottoms, Patti……I want some JUST LIKE EM!

  30. C.Peters Said:

    Ohhhhh your all gonna hate this, but it’s true. you need to be organized and you need to delegate.Any one old enough to go to school can take their wash to the washer. They can get their clothes ready for school. walk their dish to the sink..we used to call them mommy’s helpers, or step saver.daddy’s shouldn’t be another child needing to be looked after.He should cook and do wash, homework, just as parent should.10 minutes for mom to dress herself IS do-able.
    And if you don’t want the kids in the bathroom, don’t let them. Lock the door.

  31. Rebekah Said:

    I appreciate your honesty. I’m a mom and totally agree that we all have those days. I’m just a little confused…do you or don’t you care about her opinion? It seems like you do. Every mom is different and entitled to their opinion and priorities. Are you saying that those that get up and get dressed are bad moms? I guess I was saddened by the way you presented your opinion…so full of rage and uncontrolled anger/words. Just my personal opinion; one mom to another. Feel free to completely ignore. 🙂

  32. Patti Said:

    Rebekah yes…every mom is entitled to her opinion. This is mine. She said hers on live tv. I , on the other hand, restrained myself from saying anything on television and am using my blog to state mine clearly. I CLEARLY stated in this post that every mom can dress how she wants in carpool. Did you miss that paragraph? So no, I am not saying they are bad moms. I guess I am saddened by how you are trying to manipulate my words to fit some idea you have in your own head and make me sound like a jerk. My words were VERY controlled. I chose them carefully as writers do. This was how I felt. I had no rage. Zero. If you read this as rage then you don’t know rage. I am simply stating my opinion since I am a mom and this woman had no idea what she was talking about.

  33. Veronica Said:

    Yup. Some mornings when the 8-month-old and 2-year-old start sobbing for me at the EXACT SAME MOMENT (like most mornings), I’m not awake enough to remember to grab PJ pants to throw on as I run down the stairs. And sometimes it takes quite a while before I can add pants to the fancy “huge t-shirt and underwear” combo I wear to bed. Because I have two crying girls in diapers with empty bellies who need attention, damn it!

    Thanks for this post. I have also “let myself go” because I have TWO DAMN BABIES who rarely sleep. My priority is them, not my hair, make-up, and wardrobe.

  34. Annie Lemkuil Said:

    Patti, you know I’m a mom! I’d go higher then the Hubs ladder, I’d go tell it on a mountain.
    My 2 oldest boys go to a D1 school. This means it’s a big school. Think I give 2 fucks if I drive, and HELL YES I do drive and drop off my senior and sophomore boys at the door to their D1 school in my NOT plaid pajama pants but my nightgown, stained stinky nightgown! Think I combed my hair? HELL NO!
    I think one of my favorite saying is ‘if you don’t like what you’re looking at, look away’? HELL YES it is.
    Having been a follower of your fb page and blog for a long time I can’t believe the woman’s still standing! I hope to hell you sent her a pair of plaid pajama pants so she can experience the wonderfulness in being comfortable instead of all uptidy!
    Patti, you’re a strong, beautiful in your plaid pajama pants (and so I’ve heard w/ them off as well), say it like it is person who speaks the voice for those of us w/o the time cuz we’re still in our food stained stinky nightgowns enjoying life once our children are taken care of!
    Anyone who hasn’t bought the book I JUST WANT TO PEE ALONE to read….DO IT! You can’t borrow it from a friend because you won’t be supporting Patti and the causes she supports. The book is hilarious and will have you change your plaid pajama pants after peeing them!
    Much love Patti!

  35. Tonja Pizzo Said:

    LOVE your blog post!!! We homeschool (a very recent development) and I’ve found that there COULD be several days in a row that I could easily just stay in my PJ’s. Before homeschool, I was a work from home mom that was blessed to be able to work in my PJ’s all day–I did develop a habit of getting dressed to pick up the kids. I felt like a fraud.

  36. Aimee LeVally Said:

    This was such a fantastic post. Thank you!!

  37. Beej Said:

    Patti, I know this is a little old, but, I missed it the first time around, and I would like to add a little to it. We all know that it isn’t how you dress that makes a difference, it’s what you do while you have your kids with you. I’m a dad and I’ve changed diapers, gone to the pre-k to pick up grandbabies, done everything I had to do to take care of my family. Anybody who wants to talk bad about that needs, as you say, a spork in the down-unders. Of course, if you have gotten a lady judge after you sporked that wench, you probably would have got a slap on the wrist for speaking out for moms everywhere. (And I mean that in the best possible way.

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