April 18, 2013

The Boy is 12. He smells like sweaty socks and farts and his hair is so long I forgot what he looks like. But he says some pretty funny stuff and I love him more than the world.

 

photo-1Last  Sunday The Boy turned 12. Just like last year when he turned 11, we spent part of his special day in the local clinic trying to get some meds for a sinus infection. Some families have special traditions like going out to eat or having a party. Here at our house, we like to go to the doctor. Good times!

Since The Boy was feeling kinda crappy over the weekend, he was pretty much being a turd. I don’t know why people do that. The Hub kinda does it too so I guess it’s hereditary on that side of the family. I’m often not feeling well because of an injury (Frankenpoop foot) or an illness (PMS) or something, but I still manage to be a lovely ray of sunshine in a cold, dark, world full of crabby-assed people like The Boy and The Hub. I guess I’m just special and they’re not and there’s nothing I can do about that.

Thankfully, when The Boy isn’t feeling sickly and leaving disgusting snot filled tissues all over the house, he is saying some pretty hilarious stuff. Even MORE thankfully, I actually stop whatever mega important thing I’m doing when he says the funny stuff so I can go write it down. I’ve done this since he could talk and I will continue to do it until he makes me stop. Thankfully, he is an attention whore and likes it when I share his “wisdom.” So in honor of his 12th birthday and the fact that he is starting to smell like a full-grown man (yay?), I give you an updated list of The Boyisms. These are all from the past 2 years. Enjoy!

——

The Boy : I ate all my lunch so can I have some candy?
Me: Sure. But ask N (his friend) if he wants some too.
The Boy: I’m gonna have some candy. Do you want any?
N: Yeah, sure.
The Boy: Wow. You didn’t eat your lunch but you sure said “yes” to some candy pretty fast. Dude…you  really need to get your health together.

——

The Boy: So what’s up with your hair?
Me: I didn’t straighten it today.
The Boy: Well, dad sure isn’t gonna find it very attractive. No offense
Me: You don’t think?
The Boy: Seriously duh. I mean, don’t get me wrong, your face is cute. It’s really cute. It’s just that your head is covered with that hair. I still love you and everything. Just not the hair.

——

The Boy: I’m so glad that N is spending the night tonight. The first thing we’re gonna do is some parkour.
Me: Nope. I don’t think so. Not on my watch.
The Boy: But why?
Me: Umm…maybe because last time you guys did parkour, you tried to climb the roof and N did an air flip off of our fence and landed on his back, then you tried to get him to do it again so you could take a photo. Maybe?
The Boy: Then I guess we’ll just play xbox, then Minecraft, then fart, and I’ll probably take a nice crap.
Me: Sounds good.
The Boy: I might take a crap outside.
Me: Nope.
The Boy: Wow. We’re probably gonna be bored.

——

You taught me to be like this, mom. I got my weirdness from you. I got my smartness from dad. And my eatingness.
-The Boy

The Boy walked past me carrying The Cat…
Me: Where are you going?”
The Boy: To put her in the washing machine.
Me: Think again, dude.
The Boy: I’m not gonna turn it on. I just wanna see if she thinks it’s nice in there.
Me: She doesn’t. She doesn’t think it’s nice in there.
The Boy: Well, crap!

——

The Boy: Why do we have nipples?
Me: Women have them to feed their babies milk.
The Boy: What comes out of man nipples?
Me: Nothing.
The Boy: I wish lemonade came out of mine. I’d be so happy. I’d just squirt it into my mouth all day.

——

A few Christmases ago we visited my mom and for some reason she kept asking him if he wanted a sandwich. I recently looked at the “About Me” section of his Instagram and found the following list of dislikes:
Homework
Mushrooms
People asking me if I want a sandwich

——

Overheard from The Boy was playing xbox live with an unknown person:
So hey…did you poop today?
I said DID YOU POOP TODAY?
That’s too bad.
A day just isn’t a day until you have a good poop.

——

The Boy: Something’s happening in my butt!
*Lifts leg and farts*
Me: Oh good lord.
The Boy: You can’t complain. You made me. Your body invented me and you made me with fart power. That’s just how it is.

——

The Boy: If I could time travel I’d go back to when I was 2 so I could stay home all day and poop in my pants.
Me: I’d go back in time and kill Hitler before he killed millions of innocent people.
The Boy: Oh…(thinking…) I still wanna sit around and poop in my pants.

——

The Boy (pointing to himself): Mom, look at this creation that you made. It’s so handsome and smart. Good job!

——

The Boy: Mom, you can say as much bad words in traffic as you want. I know them all and I never say them. Well, unless I need to rage.

——

Me: Why are you running around with your shirt off?
The Boy: Cuz not only does it feel delicious, but I’m super sexy.

——

The Boy: Mom, what’s this? It’s delicious!
Me: Fried okra.
The Boy: Fried Oprah? Wow. Now THAT’S disturbing. But it’s sooo delicious!

——

On my way to the store the phone rang:

The Boy: When are you coming home?

Me: I just left.

The Boy: But I have to poop.

Me: So go poop.

The Boy: I can’t go poop when I’m home alone!

Me: Why?

The Boy: Because if a burglar breaks in I can’t fight him in the middle of a poop.

Me: Good point. I’ll be home in a second.

——

Mommy, you always make me go with your flow but you never go with mine. What’s up with that?
-The Boy

——

The Boy: While you’re gone can I be the boss?

Me: No.

The Boy: Can I at least be the boss of the house since I know all the rules and stuff?

Me: Yes.

The Boy: Well, can you also grant me the authority to slap people?

Me: I think you know the answer to that.

The Boy: Crud!

——

Guess what? We watched the puberty movie at school today. It was weird. It was like PENIS! BALLS! EVERYTHING GROWS!!! I AM FREAKING OUT!

-The Boy

——

The Boy: I don’t want you to come to the 5th grade awards tomorrow.

The Awesomest Mom Ever: Dorko say what?

The Boy: You embarrass me every year.

Super Mom: Excuse me? I think you mean I make all the other kids jealous that you have an awesome mom.

The Boy: No you don’t. You scream too loud and last year you and Stephanie did that dance, or whatever it was. You’re the only mom that did that.

Best Dancing Mom Ever: Ummm…duh! Stephanie’s a mom and she did it too. You just said so yourself. You’re not even making sense. 

The Boy: Only you and Stephanie did it. Everyone else was quiet. They all think you’re weird. It’s embarrassing.

Totally Non-Embarrassing Mom: They all think it’s awesome and wish they could dance in public but they can’t cuz they gots no rhythm. Sad but true. What if Stephanie yells for you and I yell for J? It’s a mom switcheroo!

The Boy: No. No. No. MOM! NOOOOO!!!!

Amazingly Proud Dancing Screaming Mom Who Can NEVER Be Stopped: Ok ok. No dancing and screaming.

The Boy: You promise?

Sneaky Mom: I promise. But I’m gonna wear my unicorn hat.

The Boy: Ok you can scream and dance.

Happy Mom: YES!!!

——

Dad, someday when you feel like you’re about to die, make sure you give me your wallet so I can buy stuff. And don’t worry, we’ll still see each other. Dead people are still here. We just can’t see them. There are a hundred of them floating around our house right now.

-The Boy

——

Me: Just cuz it’s your birthday doesn’t mean that you get to act like a turd.

The Boy: Yeah…I’m pretty sure it does.

——

The Boy found a website where you can chat with Santa. I went to look at what he had said to Santa. Here it is:
Why do you poop in your pants?
How come your pee is green?
Why are you such an ass?

——

The Boy: When are scientists gonna invent a body switcher machine so I can switch bodies with The Cat and stay home and meow at you all day while she is at school?

Me: What kind of parts do you think we’d need to make one of those?

The Boy: I don’t know. I’m not a scientist, Duh.

Me: Well, if you were a cat would you at least cover your own poop?

The Boy: I’m not gonna lie…probably not.

——

The Boy calls his lunchbox a lunch kit. I asked him why and he said “That’s what I used to call it back in the olden days before I lived here with you.”

——

When I grow up do you think I’ll be a hobo or a fine man?

-The Boy

——

Woman! Stop scoping out my privates!

-The Boy, when I walked in on him showering.

——

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVORITE BOY!

 

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19 Responses to “The Boy is 12. He smells like sweaty socks and farts and his hair is so long I forgot what he looks like. But he says some pretty funny stuff and I love him more than the world.”

  1. Marie Said:

    That boy is an awesome boy! He’s going to drive his future wife crazy!

  2. Jessica, ScienceofParenthood.com Said:

    Too funny!!!! My 8yo said he really hoped he wouldn’t be a hobo when he grew up. And why is “hobo” the go-to for all these boys? Are they all watching old episodes of Laurel and Hardy when we aren’t looking?

    I told me I was pretty sure he was in charge of whether or not be turned out to be a hobo.

  3. Heidi Said:

    That made me pee a little. You are awesome.

  4. Stephanie Said:

    So my kid is going to be 4 and keeps asking questions about his junk: why do I have these (points to testicles)AND this (stretches out his dong)? I thought the hilarity would come to an end once he understood all his bits and pieces, but lemonade nipples gives me hope that we are just getting started.

    FANTASTIC post!!!

  5. Christie Said:

    Those are just hysterical. My daughter is only
    3 1/2 but I still see some signs of sassy, like when
    she says “>big sigh< Mom, stop telling me things".
    She also does a "potty check" before she uses the
    bathroom to make sure it is safe to enter. If it perhaps
    smells less than desireable, she will come out and
    interrogate us to find the offender.

  6. Jamie Said:

    This is hilarious. I am a little afraid but excited at the same time if this is what I have to look forward to in a few years with my son. The puberty one killed me. What is it with boys and their constant need to talk about their junk, poop and farts?

  7. Jen Said:

    Happy Birthday to The Boy! And Happy Day to me, I started the day with a much needed laugh! Your awesome hilarity never disappoints!

  8. Amanda Said:

    This just had me and my husband laughing so hard! He says, “I wanna meet this kid on Xbox live someday. He’s funny!”

  9. Christine Said:

    My 11 year old daughter who has grown from 4’8″ to 5’3″ this school year alone, has been having leg/knee/all over body aches. Last night she comes to me and tells me, and I swear to God this is her exact quote, “Mother, I am going to die!” (forgot to mention she is a drama queen) Me: “Why? What have you done?” 11 year old drama queen: “My knees hurt, my ankles hurt, my toes hurt, my butt cheeks hurt, even my hooha hurts! I am most definately going through a growth sperm!” Me: With a straight face, “No dear, your going through a growth spurt. Sperm is what a man has that makes babies.” 11 year old freaked out drama queen: “Dear God mother!!! I am a freaking kid! I don’t need to know what makes babies! That’s just nasty!” all this being said in her high pitched squeeling woman child voice. Your blogs sound so much like my life that I am almost obsessed with you! Although not in some stalkerish, hatchet murderer kind of way!! Thanks for making this stressed out single mama smile each and every day! You totaly rock!

  10. Cara Lyn Erickson Said:

    OMG! I about died. The unicorn hat comment was awesome!!! I hope I have a son like yours someday. He sounds like a hoot (and he also sounds slightly obsessed with poop.)

  11. TNMom Said:

    HA! I had to hold my nose so I didn’t get fired laughing at that “people who ask if I want a sandwich” bit!! He is a funny guy! Good job mama! <3 Devan

  12. Dixie Lu Said:

    I have three boys. There isn’t enough Axe Body Spray on the PLANET to mask whatever funkyness coming out of their pores. And they all fart like a herd of cows, each one hell bent on single handedly killing the ozone. Their friends are equally gassy – we don’t have their friends over very often… They do this thing instead of saying ‘excuse me’ they say ‘safety’. If the Farter fails to call ‘safety’, his brother and/or friend yells ‘DOORKNOB!’ and the Farter has to run and touch a doorknob or get punched in the arm. Hard. Somehow, no matter what I do, my kids are stuck to me like a third butt cheek, one of them is texting me pretty much constantly. Its not uncommon to get a ‘safety’ call-out in the middle of an otherwise normal conversation. Good times…

  13. diane Said:

    so no one commented on your son saying that he called it a lunch kit prior to knowing you

  14. Patti Said:

    I know, right??

  15. Paula Brown Said:

    He sounds like “My Boy” who turns 13 in October. Really funny stuff here.

  16. Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense Said:

    Insomnia would suck without people like you, and your boy.

    (it’s 2a.m.)

    xoxo

  17. Muralimanohar Said:

    I nearly died laughing..aside from the age (my Boy is 16) you could have been quoting The Boy in this house verbatim, and giving a dead on description of his shaggy hair, funky odor, and waste elimination processes!!

  18. Susan christiana Said:

    Scoping out my privates!!!! Every Boy goes through this, but reading this in conjunction with all the other comments on the blog…brought back memories! I raised 3boys, now I have a couple Grandsons!
    Lucky me, and I’m being sincere!

  19. JustAnOrdinaryGirl Said:

    Oh man….it’s been quite some time since I laughed that hard. So glad my best friend directed me your way!! I have a son who just turned 14 and oh your stories brought tears to my eyes and made my ribs ache – the smell alone is something you never forget lol. I have a girl who is 10 and she is my smart alec – I imagine our conversations going that same direction only more girl…..all until she talks about poop/farts with the boys *sigh* ;)Thanks for the laughs 🙂 I will be stopping by more often.

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