April 5, 2013

Square pegs. We may not fit in round holes, but that’s okay. Who wants to be in a stupid old hole anyways? Holes are dark and gross and sometimes there are dead or bitey things in there.

Last week I got an email from a woman who wanted to know if I have ever had to deal with stick-up-the-butt moms judging me because I am so silly and off-the-wall, and if so, did I worry that my being different would make them unfairly judge my child.

My answer to that is Hell. To. The. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. 

I have had to deal with that on many occasions. 

Way too many occasions to count, actually.

And if any of the uptight Judgy McBitchholes are reading this right now (which let’s face it, they sooooo totally are, because the people who claim to hate you are always the ones that obsess over your every single move) I am sure they are now judging me because I used the word “hell” up in here and in their closed little minds the word “hell” is not a word that a respectable mother would use.

What will the neighbors say???

I can tell you with absolute 100% honesty that I do not ask myself that question.


Because I don’t give a flying fuck.

Yes. I just said “fuck.” 

My usual “frick” just didn’t seem to capture the essence of just how totally and completely zero I care about what people like that think of me.

Was I always this way? No. Like most of us I have gone through stages in my life where I wanted to fit in. 

When I was in 6th grade and I left my cozy little private school to go to public, I suddenly felt the need to fit in and I wanted to dress like everyone, have hair like everyone, be accepted by everyone, look like everyone, and talk like everyone.

That lasted for about a day.

When your mom forces you to get a new hairdo that “all the cool kids are wearing” and you end up being the new kid at school with the hairdo that nobody but the lunch ladies are wearing, then you know that the whole fitting in thing just isn’t gonna work out for you:

So what do you do? You say “fuck it” and you start doing your own thing.

Then you meet kids who also said “fuck it” and are doing their own thing.

Those are your people and you are happy with your people.

I spent the next many years doing whatever the heck I wanted to do no matter what anyone else thought of me. You can ask my dad about that. He will totally back me up.

Then one day, years later, I squeezed a screaming little person out of my in-between. 

That is when I went off the rails. Or back on the rails. I guess it depends on your definition of rails.

If you are a mother then you know what happens when you have your first baby: You get a little cuckoo majuckoo. 

You want to do the right thing so bad that you sometimes overdo it. I was obsessed with being the perfect mom and making sure that The Boy became the perfect boy.

I read all the parenting books that told me all of the things that I had to do so that I wouldn’t screw up my kid. I joined all the headachey mommy and me kinda classes and I met other moms and I tried to fit in and be perfect like them. I tried to wear what everyone was wearing and carry the purse that everyone was carrying and feed my family the foods that everyone was feeding their families and push the stroller that everyone was pushing and throw the awesome birthday parties that everyone was throwing for their kids and be accepted into The Sisterhood of Motherhood.

It sucked.

It took me awhile to let it all go. To realize that if I loved The Boy and took care of him then I was a good mom. End of story. Nothing else mattered. I didn’t need every other mom in a 50-mile radius to agree that I was a good mom. I knew. The Hub knew. The Boy knew. Everyone else can fuck off.

Oops! I said it again.

After I dragged my ass out of the Stepford Motherhood I started to speak my mind and be my weird little self again.

One day when The Boy was about 4 I took him to a McDonalds playland and he got into a little scuffle with another boy in the dreaded tunnel of germs.

I was sitting at a cluster of tables with a bunch of other moms and The Boy came up to me crying and telling me that some kid was hitting him. I told him to go back into the germ tunnel and tell that kid that it isn’t nice to hit people and that he wanted to be friends. A few minutes later he came back to the table and told me that he did what I said and the kid hit him again. I told him to try again. He did. The kid hit him again. And he came to the table to tell me again. So I asked the women at the tables which of them was the mother of that kid. One woman said that she was, so I asked her if she would talk to him about hitting The Boy and she said “Boys will be boys.” Okay. Sure. And pissed off moms will be pissed off moms. So this pissed off mom told The Boy to go back in the tunnel and if that kid touched him again he should hit him, kick him, push him, scratch him, do whatever he had to do because that boy’s mom says it’s ok for boys to do that. 

That’s when all the women at the tables let out a collective gasp and that mother said I had problems and I said “No. Actually I don’t. I have a super sweet kid who is nice to everyone. You are the one who has a problem, and some day that problem will be bigger than you. So good luck with that.”

Even the women at the table who were my friends, were horrified with me. Actually I think they were more embarrassed that I had spoken my mind and stood up to a table-o-bitches, because they wanted to fit in with them. I didn’t care about fitting in anymore. I wasn’t 16 and trying to get in with the cool crowd like in some John Hughes movie. I’m not a mindless suck-up and I don’t care about your Mercedes SUV and your million dollar house and your full time maid. If you’re an asshole I really don’t mind telling you so.

This was a turning point for me. It made me realize that I was still the person I had always been. I have been an independent thinker since birth (again, ask my parents) and I have never been afraid to go my own way or speak my mind and motherhood didn’t have to change that. Trying to fit in with the herd was going to make me a worse mother, not a better one, because that would be teaching my son that it’s not okay to be yourself. It would be teaching him that you have to do what the “popular” people are doing. It would be teaching him that you have to fit in. 

Guess what? Trying to force yourself to fit in super sucks.

It’s much more awesome to find the people who are gonna like you for you. It’s freeing to just say what you think and do what you do and not worry about someone getting all butthurt about it. 

I deal with this in my own neighborhood sometimes. I deal with this on my Facebook page too.

There are people who don’t like me because I make jokes about something they might not think is funny. There are people who don’t like me because I drop an “F” bomb now and then. There are people who don’t like me because I talk about nonsense. There are people who don’t like me because I talk about poop. There are people who don’t like me because I think that sometimes kids are assholes. There are people who don’t like me because I act immature or silly or weird. There are people who don’t like me because I want gay people to be able to get married. There are people who don’t like me because I want women to have the right to choose. And guess what? I don’t really mind if people don’t like me for those things. Because those are my things. 

And that’s what I want to teach The Boy.

That as long as you are being true to yourself, it doesn’t matter. 

If people don’t like who you are, that’s okay. Anyone who doesn’t like you for being yourself isn’t worth knowing anyway. You will find your people. And they will be people who like you for you and not for the things you have or for the person you are pretending to be. And in the meantime you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of who you see. You are with yourself 24/7 until the day you die so it’s kind of important that you like yourself or shit can get old really fast. 

End of story.

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73 Responses to “Square pegs. We may not fit in round holes, but that’s okay. Who wants to be in a stupid old hole anyways? Holes are dark and gross and sometimes there are dead or bitey things in there.”

  1. My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yard Said:


  2. Chrystal Said:


  3. Angel Said:

    That is the best darn blog article I have read in a very long time. Well said.

  4. SaffaGirlInLondres Said:

    You. Are. Awesome. So glad I found your blog

  5. Teri Biebel Said:

    That. Is. AWESOME. So true, great post, P-Spork!!

  6. Terrie Westerman Said:

    I. Love. You!!! Well said!! No matter how hard I tried I never fit in! Let’s face it though no girl with a humpback is gonna fit in any hole, am I right?? Lol LOVE YOU!!

  7. Bad Word Mama Said:

    I agree with everything you said. I’ve always spoke my mind, to tell you the truth I think my filter is starting to rot away. It’s getting worse with age. But, my friends (real friends) love me for that very reason!! I love your sense of humor and look forward to every one of your posts.

  8. Anonymous Said:


  9. Anonymous Said:

    Perfectly beautiful…

  10. Anonymous Said:

    I think you are my exact twin!!! Except my hair looks like your school pic naturally…..

  11. Erin B. Said:

    You. Rock.

  12. Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense Said:

    Jeez ya made me tear up a little. YES YES YES YES A MILLION TIMES YES!!! ^^^^ THAT is what my WHOLE BLOG IS ABOUT!!! (For real, read my first post – I even used the word “Stepford” in there…)

    I think I’m where you were at some years ago… still wanting to be accepted but knowing that somehow, I don’t quite fit in. I haven’t learned to let go of caring what others think.

    Thank you SO MUCH for writing this. Even though it didn’t have me shooting coffee out of my nose, it’s my favorite post so far. :SHARING:

  13. Mom Rants and Comfy Pants Said:

    You said a pants full!! Good for you. Honestly, it has only been in the past few years (I have kids in their 20’s) that I have embraced my weirdness and decided to quit acting apologetic for it. I salute you and love the empowering message you are giving The Boy. I’m a big fan ~ even more so now.

  14. RachRiot Said:

    Fuck. Yes. It doesn’t matter what you do, there will always be some turd who doesn’t like it. Their problem, not yours. Don’t ever hide the Patti to make someone else feel better about themselves. Won’t work anyway.

  15. Amie Said:

    You got that right!

  16. Amie Said:

    You got that right!

  17. PinkFuzzySlippersandMyHubbysPants Said:

    You are awesome! I don’t have many real friends because I don’t conform. I think that’s why I have followed you and so many others on Facebook for so long. Just to know that I’m not alone!

  18. gaylep Said:

    I was just thinking of writing your exact comment, and then I came across yours. I’ll add that this blogger says that eventually I’ll meet people who appreciate me for who I am. Well, I’ve met one or two, but not enough to make for a decent showing at my funeral. I’m too conservative for one group, too libertarian for another group, I don’t have kids under 25, and I’m not religious. This makes me pretty much an outcast in the town where I live. Oh well. I go over and over in my head what I can do to change, and think that maybe I should do this or that so that I can make more friends, but I always come to the same conclusion: Fuck that 🙂

  19. WMM Said:

    Your awesome, i love reading your blog!

  20. Johi Kokjohn-Wagner Said:

    I like you. And I also like a well placed f-word and gay people and silly nonsense. I also like ponies and furry animals and naps and jellybeans. I also like my kids, even when I don’t like my kids. I also like Reality TV. I hope that doesn’t devalue everything else I just said.

  21. Anonymous Said:

    Oh my you are fabulous and I want to squeeze you! That is what I try to say and teach my kids. It’s not always easy being an outcast but I’d rather be that than like the majority of bitch-o-ramas.

  22. Anonymous Said:

    Awesome. Oh and I hate how this place makes you select who/ how you are going to comment. And there is no FB thing on it to log in to. My name is Michelle, not whatever.

  23. Just Keepin It Real, Folks! Said:

    And THIS is why I fucking love you!!!!

  24. ilikebeerandbabies.com Said:

    Dude, I have so come back into my own this year. I missed weird me. Weird me is awesome.

  25. cajunette Said:

    This is my favorite blog post you have ever written! <3 I SO identify with everything you just wrote. Wow... just wow.

  26. Anonymous Said:

    I’m glad you told the Boy to be nice first…and twice! I always tell my kids to be nice to everyone, no matter if they are pretty, ugly, smelly, or have bad parents…unless that person is mean or says mean things…then you don’t have to be their friend, but you still need to be nice. I would have told him to do the same thing (defend himself) but probably not as public as you, and I applaud you for that. Other snarky moms who think they’re all that need to hear the truth. Thank you for posting this…love your blog & FB page. Keep it up…you have more fans than you know and we have your back if any Judgy McBitcholes give you a hard time. 🙂

  27. cajunette Said:

    This is my favorite post you’ve ever written. <3 I love it so much I came to your site (from my email--where I was reading the feed) to leave my first comment. You're awesome!

  28. Anonymous Said:

    This is my favorite blog I have ever read of yours!This is a great message to spread . Maybe some stick up the ass ladies will pull the stick out and start having fun.

  29. Nadine Said:

    I too have walked these shoes…thanks for saying it and THANKS for making my day! You.Are.Amazing!

  30. Anonymous Said:

    From a West Texas man that still doesn’t fit in with the ‘Religious Moral Code’ here, I too like to point out their stupidity with sarcastic logic and the use of a mind (too easy here). There are way too many square pegs pushed tightly into square holes around here, I prefer to explore all the shapes. (the last line was revised three times because they all sounded sexual).

  31. Anonymous Said:


  32. ComfyTown Chronicles Said:

    I am totally shocked to hear that you don’t want to be like everyone else.
    I am so totally glad you never will be like anyone else.
    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it may be selfish but I hope you never do get the help and/or meds you may need. You’re too d@mn entertaining just the way you are.

  33. Anonymous Said:

    Well hell, she called for my back up so I gotta say that kid was very much the way she says! I had to escort her to class for a few days in high school to keep her from kicking some girls ass. She wounln’t stand up for the school song( I did not want to but as a teacher I did.) She put a few gray hairs in my head and beard (and rat tail). I would not even try to relate all the stuff she did (or did not do) and I’ll be damned if I can see where she got this fuck you attitude. Must have been her mothers side of the family!

  34. Patti Ford Said:

    Thanks, dad!

  35. Anonymous Said:

    Priceless! Bwahahaha! Mother’s side my ass…

    Jill P. (I, too am techy compromised…can’t even figure out how to reply or comment with my name!)

  36. Pamela Munson Said:

    Just found you and this made my day! Here’s to not fitting in holes or hanging out with holes!

  37. Anonymous Said:

    I love you. Not in a “I wanna wear your skin” way, but you know.

  38. Anonymous Said:

    Fuck, yeah!!

  39. dijobo87 Said:

    Love. Love. Love. I’m a nut, my boys are nuts and my husband loves us anyway. Be true to who you are.!!!

  40. Jessica@scienceofparenthood.com Said:

    I wish I could have seen the look on those mom’s faces at the McDs!

    I bet that one mom still churns over what she coulda/shoulda said in the wee hours of the night, ha!

  41. Brittany Hall Said:

    I knew I liked you when I signed up for your blog and facebook, but this? THIS just made me a life time member of the Patti IITMB fan club with rainbows and glitter on top. You inspire me to be the best most silly self and mom I can possibly be. Keep on being your Awesome self.

  42. ijustmow Said:

    amen sistah!!!

  43. Tonya robertson Said:

    thanks for that 🙂

  44. The Cotton Floozy Said:

    Can I hire you to escort me to the next event at my kids’ elementary school? where all the moms are blonde boobied stepford cultists who make me suck in my stomach and talk extra-squeakily? Please? I will pay you in box tops.

  45. Monster Lilly Said:

    This. This is why I don’t belong to the PTA. I would get kicked out immediately. You are my people!

  46. Unknown Said:

    a breath of fresh air….
    thanks from all of us who don’t fit in, and don’t want to.

  47. Dawn R Said:

    I so want to communicate all of this to both my kids, especially my girl as she is MUCH more concerned with “fitting in” than my boy. She often says, “but Momma, YOU aren’t afraid of anything” and my reply is, “no, Lovey, I just don’t let what others think determine what I think”

  48. Anonymous Said:

    This is what i have done my 67 years. YES stick to it.Carry on. continue. Hugs to you. Grandma Barbara

  49. Anonymous Said:


  50. Erin {Home Everyday} Said:

    This was a day I needed to hear this, so thank you very much. Perfection is something I have always struggled with, and one day at a time, I am starting to realize that I am perfect already. Thanks again!

  51. Katy W Said:

    If you dont mind, I’m going to show this to my kids. (Yes, I’ll take the curse words out, judgey mcjudgersons). This is exactly what I’ve been trying to tell them since I spawned them. And as we all know, kids listen waaaaay better to complete strangers than they do their own mother. Thank you. For this.

  52. Anonymous Said:

    Good. GOD. I’m pretty sure you’re my twin and I’m POSITIVE that we share DNA. For reals. Kudos for taking the words right outta my mouth.

  53. The Norman Family Said:

    Thank-you! It took Kid #2 to have me running and screaming out of the Stepford Motherhood (even in my own family). I have two independent thinkers that are sweet, caring, and creative. They are themselves. Thank-you so much for this blog! It was a good boot in the butt for me as I find myself sliding back into Stepfordness.

  54. Peanutlayne Said:

    I want to marry this post! I freaking love it!

  55. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying Said:

    Holy Chiclets on a Stick, I adore this.
    I had something similar to this happen on the playground at my kids’ school this week. My 7yo came to me to tell me that 2 boys were following him around the playground, calling him the wrong name deliberately. I told him to tell them politely not to call him that, and repeat what his name is. He said he did a few times, I told him to do it again.
    He came back to tell me that now one of them is calling him PooPooHead. I calmly told him “Then ignore him. If that kid isn’t nice enough to show you some respect, then he’s not worth your time or attention. Move on to kids who know how to be friendly.”
    He came back again – with the kid shadowing him, this time fighting back tears because the kid is now following him closely, taunting him with the name-calling, so I said sternly and loudly so the kid could hear me “Ignore him. I don’t know why he would choose to be mean to a nice kid like you, but I hope his mother finds out and he gets in trouble. Again: DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME OR ATTENTION ON KIDS WHO CHOOSE TO BE MEAN. Now go play away from him, because he doesn’t deserve to play with you today.”
    After that, all the parents on the blacktop “watching” their kids on the playground froze – stopped talking. I got the shocked dirty look from a handful of them, but I don’t care.
    Turns out, that kid’s mom was RIGHT next to me the whole time! About 5 feet away, just a step behind me out of my field of vision. So she witnesses what her son was doing, what my son was saying, and what I said, and did nothing. Finally, that kid’s friend went up to the mom and told him that the kid was being mean to “that boy” (meaning my son), and once all the parents were looking at her, she mumbled something to her kid. He didn’t look in trouble, he didn’t look punished.
    That woman is going to have a big asshole on her hands if she doesn’t teach him to treat other kids with respect. And I don’t mind that the moms on the playground may think I am a bitch for telling my son that there is a kid on the playground who doesn’t deserve to be his friend. He doesn’t. He was acting like a shithead, and my son should not tolerate being treated poorly. He should know how he deserves to be treated, and know it is okay to pay no mind to the mean people he crosses paths with.

  56. Amy @mommetime Said:

    I went through this after my first… and then again after turning 40 –I’ve been struggling with self for awhile now AND I love this. I am SO incredibly glad that you asked others to share because a page I follow shared, and I got to see this. I cannot even begin to tell you how incredibly perfectly timed this is. I SO needed to read this. Thank you.

  57. jennifer lopez Said:

    holly shit. u are my ppl. u and me are the same mind. im so like u its scary cause I thought I was the only one who cussed and said the thing I thought and got in trouble for it.

  58. The Barbie Hoarder Said:

    I don’t think I ever went through this. I’ve never gave enough of a fuck to even try because I know I WILL NOT fit in. AT ALL. EVER. That’s why I’m the mom walking through Wal-mart in Southern Georgia singing to my kid and he’s squealing back unlike the other mothers who have taught their kids to be quiet in the store or they are threatening to beat them.

    But yea. Nobody gets us people who really appreciate a great poop. I took one the other day at school. It was awesome. I felt so good afterwards and was about to concentrate better in class. And it’s sad I can’t share that with other more awesome people because no one appreciates it! My husband does fortunately so I just text him about it 🙂

  59. Anonymous Said:

    Wow…you are kinda awesome and I think I may have a girl crush on you, lol!! Thanks to someone else sharing your post on FB I felt captivated to read this entry and I am really glad I did. I was a mom at 21 and again at 26…boy did I struggle with trying to be THAT mom…especially when my oldest started school. My hubby and I got ridiculed ALOT for our age, so we did everything we could to do like the ‘others’…we volunteered our asses of in sports and school activities. I can remember the event that turned me, which I won’t bore anyone with, but it struck me that I had forgotten how truly awesome I really was and no bitch should make me feel otherwise. I am a great mom and my husband is an amazing dad and my kids at the ages of 11 & almost 16 are fucking awesome, seriously fucking awesome…which I can attribute to us just being us. We have passed this mentality down to our kids and with a teen female in the house, this is ever more important. Keep preaching the goodness…I will gladly jump aboard the crazy train!!!

  60. mamabear Said:

    I can’t tell you how much I related to this. I even had the exact same McDonald’s experience – I swear. I even told the mother almost verbatim what you told that mother. Thanks for this post. Sincerely.

  61. The Barbie Hoarder Said:

    Gosh darnit I had typed out a comment but it got erased.

    I don’t think I’ve ever tried to fit in with the other moms. Know why? Because when I was pregnant someone scorned me. MY own cousin actually. I was eating a roast beef sandwich. DELICIOUSNESS. I got the snooty “You DO KNOW it’s NOT safe to eat deli meat right?” /rolls-eyes. I heated my sandwich up to kill germs, the meat was fresh. SHe ended up getting blocked in a rage of pregnant hormones and is STILL blocked on FB to this day (amongst other reasons too). But I’ve always known if I tried it’d never happen. I cuss way too bad. I laugh at jokes about penises, vaginas, and other body parts. And since I’m a nursing student with an obsession with vagina problems… I love talking about yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis. It’s nice to know I can do things my way and not care.

    Also on another note… i love talking about taking a good poop. It’s the best feeling in the world… especially when it’s a big one and it’s been awhile and you’re finally released from that bloaty feeling. My lord it feels good. I had this happen the other day. I had to hold it for about an hour because of being in class. Finally made it to bathroom and just let go. It was amazing. But there’s no one to talk about it with… 🙁 So I just text my husband about it. He appreciates good poops too. Sometimes we even take pictures of them to compare. God help anyone who steals our phones 🙂

  62. jean schramm Said:

    Amen Sister.

  63. Afro Amber Said:

    RachRiot linked your post, and I read your story in I Just want to Pee Alone, you are hilarious!

    And dead on. I’ve had similar experiences, including leaving private school for public and not fitting in. My youngest totally gets it, he is himself and he doesn’t care if someone likes it or not.

  64. carrie coburn Said:

    Thank you!

  65. Shanna Said:

    I shared this on my timeline because…. well…. it’s awesome. LOL And I think you must be a sister from another Mister. Kuddos girl!!!

  66. Anonymous Said:

    Ironically, the blog I wrote today is exactly about this very topic. But yours was way funnier and had a splendid perm hair picture so you win.

  67. Bec M Said:


  68. PDXRose Said:

    Three rousing cheers for you! My daughter mentioned you in her blog (Modern Mama Drama) and I have to agree….you’re worth reading! Keep up the great work…

  69. LBickford Said:

    Love. This!

  70. Heather Said:

    This is awesome, and amazing, and WONDERFUL! I just started a blog that I am still super unsure about, and yet at the same time, for the first time in my life I feel like I am really being ME! The first week of my blog, I had someone that I thought was a friend be very negative about it because she didn’t approve of what I wrote. It was so freeing for me though. To say things I would always stifle because I was worried what they would think. I still have some insecurities about it, but I find as I keep writing those disappear. This is a wonderful post, and I know you will have helped so many that feel stuck right now. I kept putting off writing, and putting it off, and I had a fellow blogger tell me” just fucking do it”…we need to stand against the trolls. I am so thankful for those words…and so here I am! Thank you for these inspiring words..

  71. Adrienn Said:

    Great post. It’s too bad we can’t teach our kids how to fully not give a fuck. I’ve got 2 daughters enter adolescence and even thought they are strong minded and have a healthy self worth, these next few years are gonna blow.

  72. Jamie Said:

    YES! I love this post!!!!! I want to print it and tape it to my refrigerator. I think McBitchholes might be at the top of my combo curse word list now! It’s mean, yet not totally crude and it really hits the spot! 🙂

  73. Jen Said:

    Love this post! I’m happy to be a square peg in a round hole world full off judgey McBitchholes!

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