March 16, 2013

The Facebook Friday Wrap-up that isn’t even a wrap-up and was written only 75 minutes before it was officially Saturday.

Today is Friday. On Friday my new thing is to do a Facebook Friday Wrap-up situation which is basically when I pull a fast one on you and “write” a new blog post by just cutting and pasting a bunch of crap from my Facebook page onto this blog and voila! New blog, mofos. 

Well, now that there is less than 2 hours left of Friday, and I HATE waiting until the last minute to do things, I sat down to get my act together and guess what? There isn’t really anything from my Facebook page this week that’s even worth cutting and pasting. This week was a slow week. I was super unbelievably busy trying to hustle my book here there and everywhere. And pretty much every Facebook post I made was some version of “Yo! Go buy this freaking book before I have an aneurism!  Or before you have an aneurism from me talking about it so much!” 

In between all that blabbering, I did come up with what I think is an amazingly brilliant way to get some publicity. 

Yesterday my sister was in my yard and she found a big bone and she was all “WTF is this bone doing in your yard?” And I was all “I have no idea, but it’s awesome! Do you think it’s a person bone? Man, I really freaking hope it’s a person bone!” And she was all “Why do you want a person bone in your yard?” And I was all “I’ve spent an entire week trying to get local publicity for this book, and the city of Houston is being a major dong sucker about it because if it doesn’t involve a high speed car chase or a shooting or an oil well or a cold snap or something then they don’t give a frick. The temperature might get below 40 tonight? Winter Coldpocalypse 2013! We now interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to talk about mittens! But 3 Houston mom bloggers co-author a book with a bunch of other mom bloggers and it instantly hits the #1 spot on 3 Amazon charts AND iTunes, therefore proving that mom bloggers are real writers and a force to be reckoned with in the world of publishing? Crickets, y’all. So basically, if I found a person bone in my yard, I could call the cops. If I called the cops, the news would find out. If the news found out, they’d interview me. If they interviewed me, I’d be holding my book up in front of my face and be all ‘I was walking around the yard with this best selling book that I co-wrote, when suddenly me and the best selling book that I co-wrote found this person bone, at which time me and the best selling book that I co-wrote screamed bloody murder like that one woman did in this best selling book that I co-wrote when she was having that baby!’ and then the whole finding a person bone thing would be totally worth it.”

So later in the day when The Hub got home from work and went out to work in the garden, I asked him if he could go ahead and dig in some other spots around the yard to see if he could find any bodies. Then he looked at me blankly. Then I told him why I needed a body. Then he said no. Then I picked up the possible person bone to show him and it unfortunately turned out to be a rawhide. Probably from the dogs next door. So that kinda super sucked. Then I asked The Hub if he knew of anywhere that we could score a dead body to put in our yard to pretend that I found. He didn’t answer me. I like to think that he didn’t answer me because he was trying to figure out where to score his wife a dead person, but I think he didn’t answer me because he thinks I’m an idiot. 

The man just doesn’t have the kinda geniousness that I have. And that makes me sad for him.

And today I was on Facebook in my book group discussing different things that we could do to get publicity, and someone mentioned that Felicity Huffman has a mom website called “What the Flicka?” and did anyone have any connections there. So I said, “Well, one time at LAX she tapped me on the back and said ‘Excuse me’ because I was blocking her from the luggage carousel” so we decided that I’d be the one to write to her. Ya know, since we are practically BFF’s and all. So here is what I wrote:

Hey! Felicity! Remember me? Of course you do.

I “met” you at LAX in September of 2005. Are any bells ringing? If they are, that’s not an ear defect. It’s my unforgettableness coming through.

You see, I was at the luggage carousel waiting to grab my bag before someone stole it. God knows I travel with some amazingly great underwear that any hobo would be happy to own. Suddenly I felt a tap on my back and heard a woman say “Excuse me.” and I turned around and BAM! there you were with your hubby. I was all, “WTF are those guys doing getting their own bags? Don’t they have a person for that?” I mean, P-Diddy (or whatever the heck his name is now) has a dude whose only responsibility is to follow him around with an umbrella. And seriously, not to be ass kissy, but you guys rock way harder than that clown (but don’t tell him I said that cuz he probably has a dude whose only responsibility is to beat people up).

Although I didn’t speak to you guys, I’m sure you remember me. I was the really tall blonde with giant eyeballs who smelled like Vanilla and was trying to act like Felicity Huffman asks her to excuse her every day. No big deal.

To make things even weirder, 2 days later I saw you at Ellen when you were a guest the day after the Emmy’s. You wore your jammies. I wore an evening gown. Why was I there and why was I in an evening gown? Because I wrote Ellen a poem about poop and got to be her Emmy and show guest, and the producers were all “Hey! Wear your dress to Ellen. Ya know, the same dress you wore to the Emmy’s last night for infinity hours and sweated in like a pig.” Needless to say, I was jealous of your jammies and no longer smelled like vanilla.

ANYWAYS, long story not so short, myself and a ton of other awesome mom bloggers wrote a book called “I Just Want to Pee Alone.” We are currently at the top of 3 Amazon best seller lists and itunes. We knocked Tina Fey out of #1. I love her immensely, but damn that felt good.

I, on behalf of all of us, would like to request that you read the book and tell us what you think. We LOVE your site and would be proud to be mentioned on it. You’re probably thinking to yourself “There are over 30 women in this book and they asked THIS freak to contact me? Holy hell!” Yes. Yes they asked me. THAT is how we do it.

I’ll be waiting for your email telling me that you’ve been thinking about me every day for 8 years. Don’t be ashamed. I get that a lot.


I’ll let you guys know when she calls.

And now, for the winner of my free, signed copy of the book. 

CARRIE COBURN!!! You won the book. I already rubbed it all up on The Cat’s junk. I hope you don’t mind. I will write something really fantastical inside of it and send you some Clorox wipes. I have sent you an email. Please email me back with 7 days or I will be gifting the book to someone else. THANK YOU and congratulations!

I will be giving another book away soon. Stay tuned for details. I haven’t thought of the details yet or else I’d give you them now. Heck, I just now came up with idea to give away another book, so for Pete’s sake of course I don’t have any details yet. Calm the frick down!

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12 Responses to “The Facebook Friday Wrap-up that isn’t even a wrap-up and was written only 75 minutes before it was officially Saturday.”

  1. Angel Said:

    I am so going to buy this book and review it on my book review blog and force everyone to buy a copy!

  2. Rachel Elkins Said:

    Congrats CARRIE COBURN! Lucky girl!

    Patti, I’m sure Felicity will contact you and be like…I was jealous that you got to wear a fancy smancy gown and I was too lazy to get dressed and oh yeah I remember you because your perfume reminded me that I forgot to eat and made my stomach start screaming and I guess it’s a good thing for you to have shown up when you did to grab your bag cause I was going to snag it…I covet your cool underpants.

  3. kirstie Said:

    This is amazeballs! LOVING the letter and just your general insaneness in general. 🙂

  4. Sara Jones Said:

    Perf balls

  5. Lynn Said:

    OMG…a few years ago I was cutting my grass like all propah redneck girls in the South and I kept running over this stuff I SWORE were bones in my yard. I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that’s a cross between fear and awesomeness. The only reason I kept running over them is I was trying to figure out HOW they got there and I was afraid if I touched them they would reach through the ground and get me like the Poltergeist in the pool moment…So, eventually after running over them about fifty bajillion times..ok that’s a lie, but going around them and staring a LOT…I mustered up enough courage to get off the mower and pick a piece up…Turns out, it was freakin’ plastic PVC pipe from where they were putting my pool in – I was pissed and had an insane fear of ever swimming in my pool again. On another note, I know how to score you a body. A friend of mine moves dead bodies for a living. I’m sure a family wouldn’t mind if we borrowed their loved one for a day or two and took a detour to Houston for the purposes of selling your book. Also, while I’m formulating the statement I will give the cops…what could be better than a body, a high speed chase in a hearse, and the cops stopping at your house…BAM..all of your publicity needs have now been met!

  6. Patti Ford Said:

    Lynn…call me!

  7. carrie coburn Said:

    I raise your cat’s junk to my Guinea pig’s junk and will send pics. Thank you for all you do.

  8. RachRiot Said:

    Operation Hobo Drop is in effect. Let’s do this shit, ’cause mama needs to sell some books.

  9. Micki Maurer Said:

    I bought two… does that help? I got one for each daughter, both of whom are entering motherhood for the first time. Just so they know what to look forward to! Kindle versions, so the tears of laughter don’t gunk up the pages.

  10. Amanda Dearest Said:

    Best book eva!

  11. Misrabia69 Said:

    LOL! Found you after stalking comments on the Bloggess. You made me laugh there too. Now I will go on and creep on you, Manuel-style. Except this entails me just reading some of your other posts.I am happy after reading your post many many thanks for providing…
    Cccam Server

  12. Seamus Said:

    Great post, too funny!

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