March 11, 2013

LMTFA: It’s fake serious business

When The Boy was a toddler I suffered through a long and serious bout of LMTFA. 

For those of you who aren’t in the know, LMTFA (Leave Mom The Frick Alone – Syndrome) is a disorder in which the mother of one or more small children makes the critical and life-saving decision to pretend that she has an extreme irritable bowel disorder so that she can hand her child (or children) over to someone else and sit in the bathroom ALONE for endless amounts of time. The LMTFA sufferer usually spends this time reading, chatting on the phone, texting, Facebooking, or playing Angry Birds. The LMTFA sufferer NEEDS this time alone in order to keep her sanity after never-ending days of being endlessly touched, pulled, prodded, yelled at and cried on every damn day of her life. The LMTFA sufferer MUST have this time alone so that she will not lose her shit and end up selling her offspring on ebay to the first bidder. Or even worse, advertise them for tradesies on Craig’s List in exchange for a few boxes of Girl Scout Cookies.

When I had LMTFA I read the complete works of Pat Conroy and Joyce Carol Oates, as well as countless issues of Entertainment Weekly and Us Magazine. Every time I read the “Stars: They’re Just Like Us!” section in Us Magazine, I was hoping to see a photo of someone like Demi Moore sitting on her toilet reading some book about Kabbalah while one of her kids slips a piece of paper and a pack of Crayolas under the door and asks her to draw a rainbow. Let’s get real here: The BS they put in that magazine about how so and so pumps their own gas or goes to the mall “just like us” is lame-o-rama. If they wanna make us think celebs are anything like us at all, they need to show Gwyneth’s perfect little Apple pitching a fit in Whole Foods because she wants some freaking Toll House cookies instead of Quinoa. I’d also like to see Halle Berry’s little angel throwing her body against the bathroom door with enough force to break her own bones, while Halle tries to drop a Deuce so that she can fit into her Oscar dress.

THIS is real life.

When The Boy was younger, I never got to poop or pee alone. And I’m the kinda person who, if you talk to me while I’m trying to go, it crawls back up. That’s right. I’ve got potty stage fright. And back then I got interrupted at least 9 outta 10 times that I tried to go. It was worse than living in my college dorm and sharing a bathroom with 30 girls. I don’t want an audience when I’m trying to drop the kids off at the pool. Bathroom time is my Zen time.

So, just like in college,  I would sneak off in the middle of the night and do my business in secret. Then, nearly every day as soon as The Hub would get home from work, I’d hand The Boy off and say “Thank God you’re here! I’ve GOT to go to the bathroom! Something is really wrong!” and off I’d go to my library. The Hub would keep The Boy away from me because he was under the impression that there was some serious stuff going down in there. Occasionally he would come knock on the door and ask if I was okay, at which point I would make some moaning noises and say something like “It’s not good. It’s not good at all! Walk away! WALK AWAY!”

In reality I was usually just sitting on my throne, fully clothed, reading The Prince of Tides or an article about how Janet Jackson is addicted to coffee enemas. 

It may not seem like an honest thing to do, but it’s what moms all over the world do on a daily basis. It’s almost impossible to go to the bathroom when a little hand is desperately reaching under the crack in the bathroom door trying to touch your feet because if you are out of their sight for 5 seconds they might combust. When you have a child you usually can’t even pee without someone walking in or screaming outside of the door. So we do what we have to do so that we can stay sane. And believe me, our husbands and kids need us to stay sane. We run shit. If we lose our marbles you’re all screwed.

^^^^THAT, up there, is a long-winded roundabout Mom-Brainy way of telling you about the new book that myself, along with 36 other amazing mom bloggers, have written. The title is the most perfect title for a book by and for moms EVER in the history of book titles. That’s just a fact. And I told you that story about my history with LMTFA so that you can contract a case of it and read this book from the comfort of your own throne.

I am thrilled to be in this book with so many funny women. Each of us has our own writing style and our own stories to tell, so there is totally something for everyone. We’re all very proud of it, and super honored that Jen (from People I Want To Punch In The Throat) asked us to be a part of it. And guess what? The book is doing great so far. Check THIS out:

If you wanna order a copy you can do so HERE. That link includes all the different places you can get it. And while you’re on Amazon, read the reviews. They’re pretty good. If you read the book and like it PLEASE remember to give us a review and tell your friends. It REALLY REALLY REALLY helps us if you leave reviews and spread the word. Click the share button at the bottom of this post and Facebook it, Google + it, Tweet it, email it, Pinterest it, whatever. Word of mouth is everything.

This week I am giving away paperback copy with a special little note inside from me and a picture of me rubbing it all up on my booty. Okay. Maybe not that second part. Maybe I’ll just have my unicorn, Lord Burgess Atwood, sprinkle it with the power of unicorn magics. Whatever floats your boat. To enter to win a copy, please comment on this blog with your FULL name and email address. I will pick a winner at random on Friday, March 15th, and announce the winner in my Friday Facebook Wrap-Up post. 

****Winners of last week’s contest for the Zombie in a Bottle are: Lynn (no last name given), and My Train Has Jumped the Track. I have emailed you both. Please respond by Sunday, March 17th, or I will give the prizes to someone else****

Here is a list of all the amazing women who are in this book with me. Check them out.

People I Want to Punch in the Throat
Insane in the Mom Brain
The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
Baby Sideburns
Rants From Mommyland
You Know it Happens at Your House Too
The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
My Life and Kids
Bad Parenting Moments
Let Me Start By Saying
Frugalista Blog
Suburban Snapshots
Ninja Mom
Four Plus an Angel
Honest Mom
Binkies and Briefcases
Naps Happen
Kelley’s Break Room
Toulouse & Tonic
Hollow Tree Ventures
The Fordeville Diaries
Mom’s New Stage
Nurse Mommy Laughs
The Dose of Reality
The Mom of the Year
Life on Peanut Layne
Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine
Confessions of a Cornfed Girl
I Love Them Most When They’re Sleeping
Random Handprints
You’re My Favorite Today
Funny is Family
My Real Life

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130 Responses to “LMTFA: It’s fake serious business”

  1. Miss Dollface Said:

    Dani Heflin

    If I am randomly chosen I’m not all about the rubbin’ my book on yer bum bidness. Just in case you do happen to get the urge. Or at least you just don’t have to include the photo.

  2. She PeaMoff Said:

    I wanna win a copy of your book…I’ve read the reviews which are GREAT and congrats to you and the other talented and hilarious women that contibuted to the writings of the book!
    Sheila Peak-Moffett

  3. Nicole Shaw Said:

    We are the luckiest bitches ever. We can not only claim LMAS, we can claim it and go read our own damn book. Well, I think I feel a poop coming on. To the throne!

  4. Sara Said:

    I’d LOVE a copy, I need something to read when *I* am dealing with my bout of LMTFA (my monsters are 6 & 3) I have two. That means 20 little fingers trying to pry the bathroom door off it’s hinges! HELP!

    Sara Hughart

  5. Misty Said:

    Umm, yes please. And if I win, I am requesting the booty rub. Don’t ask, I have issues. That is all.

  6. Ossy Rox Said:

    Would love to win this book!My kids are now 13 and 11, and still do this!!!

    Kathrina Osborn

  7. Stephanie Said:

    I would love, love, love a copy of this book. Hou are so amazing. I look forward to your posts everyday!
    Stephanie Griffis

  8. Carrie Peterson Said:

    I would love a copy!

    Carrie Peterson

  9. Ossy Rox Said:

    I would Love a copy of this book!!
    Kathrina Osborn

  10. Carrie Peterson Said:

    I would love a copy!

    Carrie Peterson

  11. Lyndsey Stang Said:

    Thanks for the mental image of poo climbing back in.

    Lyndsey Stang

  12. Stephanie Said:

    I would love a copy of this book. You make me laugh everyday.

    Stephanie Griffis

  13. Lyndsey Stang Said:

    Thanks for the mental image of poo climbing back in.

    Lyndsey Stang

  14. Gin Said:

    Ginger Edwards

  15. hismineandares Said:

    Tera Mothersell (yes its my real name)


  16. Renee Hunt Said:

    I’m DEVASTATED about the whole zombie thing. Fo real!

    Renee Hunt

  17. organicmomma Said:

    Stacie welter thanks! I’m super stuck and really needing a good read! Besides your blog. 🙂

  18. Terrie Westerman Said:

    I would love a copy! You rock! Terrie Westerman is my email. My daughter used to stick her face under the bathroom door (mobile home bathroom doors suck) and scream “I SEE YOU!!! LEMME IN!! ” Now it’s the cat and dog…..*sigh*

  19. Anonymous Said:

    I claim this syndrome in public just to get away from the whiny 4 yr old. Can’t wait to read this. Finally I am not alone.

    Danielle Hampton.

  20. xanaxmommy Said:

    I’d LOVE a copy!!!!!

    Lisa Dixon

  21. pearshapedsomething Said:

    Christiaana Molien

    I have four boys (16, 14, 5, & 3) so I’ve been “blessed” with going through this with two sets of children…I am the reverse of Noah’s ark and OFFLOAD the animals two by two…LOL…congrats on being a part of the new book…

  22. Top Shelf To You Said:

    Erica Sanders

    Id love to have a copy of this book! You brighten my day. Thank you 🙂

  23. Anonymous Said:

    Destiny Barris…I can’t wait to read it!!!

  24. Anonymous Said:

    Dee McHerron

    I haven’t had time to sit and read a book in so long because I usually fall asleep within a half hour of the little one going down. I would definitely make some time for this book!

  25. xanaxmommy Said:

    I’d love LOVE a copy!!!!!

    Lisa Dixon

  26. Amy Roach Said:

    PLEAAAASE!! This would make my urgent poops so much more awesome!
    Amy Roach

  27. Anonymous Said:

    Lindsey Brown

    you crack me up. i sneak away every day to the bathroom just to catch up on your page and have a few laughs. love it!!!

  28. Amy Roach Said:

    PLEEEEASE!!This would make my urgent poops so much more awesome!
    Amy Roach

  29. Anonymous Said:

    oops forgot to put my name on last post. I’m going to order this book on my Kindle. If the other bloggers are 1/2 as funny as you, it should be a hoot ! I can’t wait to get it ! Betty Castillo

  30. Top Shelf To You Said:

    Erica Sanders

    I hope you’re enjoying your unicorn farts still. <3 ya!
    you brighten my day. Thank you.

  31. Leighan Swenson Said:

    I leave the baby with the 4-year old to go to the bathroom. My 4-year old always comes in at some point and asks, “Mommy, why do you always take so long in here?!” Because I can, child. Because I can.

    Leighan Swenson

  32. Anonymous Said:

    I so need this book…I am a sufferer of LMTFA !! AND, my son is 7 !! You’d think he’d back off already! sheesh…I need something OTHER than kids books to read!
    Please, please, PUHLEEEEEES, help me get my sanity back!!!!!!!!!!!

    Judy Carroll

  33. Rebecca Osborne Said:

    Your facebook page entertains my teenager and myself daily, we’d love to enter for a chance at a funny note from Mom Brain. Rebecca Osborne

  34. Codi Said:

    Codi Crafton

    I could really use some new toilet reading material since I got a Kindle. If my hubby caught me taking it in there my cover would be blown so I’m stuck reading old issues of Mud Life and car parts mags lol!

  35. Anonymous Said:

    Amanda purser

    I need this book! I’ve been battling LMTFA syndrome for close to six years with no end in sight! Help a sister out, yo?

  36. Anonymous Said:

    Tera Mothersell

    Sometimes I run a bath when hubby gets home, even tho I had a shower in the am with all the children in the bathroom with me. Now I don’t get in this bath, some times I do soak my feet. Hubby still doesn’t know why I have a chair in the bathroom.

  37. Jasmine Bolin Said:

    I would love to be the one to win a copy!! This would be awesome as I never win anything lol
    Jasmine Growe

  38. meeko08 Said:

    Lisa Wilkinson . I have a three year old which means I forget what its like to potty alone although now he is potty training I do get cheered on I should get him some pom poms

  39. Christina Britt Said:

    Ughh, why does my smart phone make me feel so stupid? I am commenting, hopefully not a second time…if so, sorry. Anywho…this is kinda, well, a lot of awesome!!! Even if I don’t get a random freebie, I will be picking up a copy soon…and I will place it on the back of the toilet…maybe someone will take a hint, eventually.

    Christina Britt

  40. novemberbaby1989 Said:

    You are hilarious and you bring a light into my day. I am constantly taking care of kids, don’t have my own, but they can’t leave me alone so I can at least go pee.

    Jennifer Frisbie

  41. Chelsea Vealey Said:

    I would LOVE to win a copy! With my son being sick and having to run out and get different meds at all hours of the night, and run to the ER I have no money and I am losing my sanity!!! Love him, but I want him better NOW!

    Chelsea Vealey

  42. Chelsea Vealey Said:

    I would LOVE to win a copy! With my son being sick and having to run out and get different meds at all hours of the night, and run to the ER I have no money and I am losing my sanity!!! Love him, but I want him better NOW!

    Chelsea Vealey

  43. novemberbaby1989 Said:

    I absolutely love you and your sense of humor. You make me laugh I can’t tell you how many times during the day!
    Jennifer Frisbie

  44. Angiebaby Said:

    Angie Gutierrez

    I hide in the bathroom to read all the time!!!! My husband’s always like “damn woman again….what the hell did you eat?!” It’s my ME time!

  45. Christina Britt Said:

    Congrats on the successful new endeavors!!!

    Christina Britt

  46. Margie Larzelere Said:

    Margie Larzelere


  47. Pelham Pretty Said:

    Love it! LMTFA (Leave MElissa The Frick Alone)is what I used to do when it was time to clean up after dinner (except now, thanks to you, I know my condition has a name and is shared by many. My parents were concerned, then suspicious. As a mother now, my husband has caught on and the kids know I’m really reading or hiding….I hear them,..”MOM! Moommmmm???? Mommmmmmm!!!!!!!!! Mommomomomomom?!?!”

    Melissa Harker

  48. Pelham Pretty Said:

    I forgot the meaningful numbers at the end of my email name.

  49. Anonymous Said:

    Jenny Loughry
    Thank you!

  50. Stephanie Said:

    I LOVE when I’ve been validated and LMTFA ought to be a medical diagnosis. . .I am so thrilled that I have found your blog. Thanks for all you (and your fellow amazing blogesses) do. Stephanie Stork,

  51. Angiebaby Said:

    Angie Gutierrez

    I am battling with my LMTFA Syndrome as we speak. I have a squirmy 3 year old climbing me like a jungle gym as I try to type this. My Modelo treatments are showing some improvements in my acceptance of this trying syndrome.

  52. Heather Stover Said:


    Heather Stover

  53. rlaneew Said:

    Robin Whitehouse…..rub it on your butt if you want too, include the photo…I promise it can’t be worse than what happens to most of my books…4 kids, I know ALL ABOUT LMTFA…so you know where most of my reading materials are stored…..

  54. Heather Stover Said:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  55. Leslie Brown Said:

    Sweet baby Jeebus, I want it!!
    Leslie Brown

  56. Tina Moore Said:

    Tina Moore

    Love me some mom brain! And if u say these other bloggers are great, then they have to be.and I want to read their words!

  57. Lulu Rude Said:

    Lulu Rudolph

    Omg I have to deal with that all the time, I’m a single mom though so sadly I don’t get to hand off my toddler when he is insane. We pee and poop with the doors open and he is always there asking me to throw a ball or for some reason cuddling my leg ha ha. He is not a huge cuddler so why then?

  58. Tiffany S Said:

    I would love to have a new book to read while hiding in the bathroom!
    Tiffany Shellman

  59. Unknown Said:

    Love you and the blog! By far the best blog!
    Ashley Falk

  60. Zarah Oliver Said:

    This would be a great addition to my bathroom stash
    Zarah Oliver

  61. Anonymous Said:

    Angela Carter

  62. Chelsea Pershall Said:
    Chelsea pershall
    Give me something to read while im sitting on the pooper ,hiding from kiddos

  63. Nik Said:

    If the book is even half as funny as all you bloggers are, it will be an amazing read! I am a new blogger and I learn something new everyday from you ladies. I can only hope one day i will be as great as you.
    Nikki Hawes

  64. Tina Moore Said:

    Tina Moore

    I havent peed by myself in 20 years!

  65. Mommyshaywho Said:

    Ohhhhh, I’m gettin’ this book! Win, Lose or Draw:)
    LaShay Rascher

  66. Nik Said:

    If the book is even half as funny as these bloggers are, it will be an amazing read! As a new blogger, I learn something new everyday from these women.
    Nikki Hawes

  67. Gayle Honnold Said:

    Lol! Even the grandkids did this to me! I loved every minute of it. Umm, I don’t want to offend you, but, …if i win…could I pretty please have Lord Burgess Atwood sprinkle me a little of whatever he chooses to sprinkle instead of booty rubbings?!! Fingers crossed 😀
    Gayle Honnold

  68. Anonymous Said:

    Julie Embring

  69. kristina vaughn Said:

  70. Anonymous Said:

    Adele Helleksen

    Could definately use this book to lighten this crazy life!!

  71. jacki c Said:

    i would LOVE to win a copy of this book

    jacki cooke

  72. Anonymous Said:

    The 15th is my first born’s birthday. What a perfect day to win this book. The 3rd anniversary of the first day of me never being able to pee (or poop or talk on the phone) alone ever again.

    Nicole Snyder

  73. Anonymous Said:

    Abigail Rains
    A couple years ago, my kids learned the art of breaking into the bathroom to join me (they’re only 4 & 5 now). With nobody to hand them off to ever, this would be a great book to enjoy in the middle of the night when my newborn wakes me at 1am…and 3…and 4:30…

  74. Christina Sherman Said:

    Christina Sherman
    Aaaahhh! I SO love you, level 14 girl crush, for reals. Anyone that can make me laugh out loud on a daily basis has my heart, fo sho..and you do just that. And I would love to get this book, but especially the note from you, omg, yes! (if you notice, the 314 at the end of my gmail address is my birthday…just saying…if I actually won a copy of the book during my birthday week, it would be one of the bestest, most favoritest of birthday gifts EVA in the history of EVA.)

  75. A Clueless Sister Said:

    My grandson just turned a year old. No matter what you’re doing in the bathroom, he needs to be in there. If I’m doing any business on the toilet, he MUST sit on my lap. I’m lucky if I poo once a week, now with him it’s even less! I would love to win this book, only because I want the extra special note from you…I’ll buy a copy anyway 🙂
    Melissa Smith

  76. Anonymous Said:

    Every morning when I wake up, I have my morning constitutional while reading your posts/blogs 🙂 It’s about the only time I have for quiet “me” time… Darlene Fuhrmaneck This book would be a perfect addition to my morning readings!

  77. SoberTina Said:

    My children are convinced that the older you are, the longer it takes you to go to the bathroom. There’s just no other explanation of why I’m in there so long, right? 🙂

    Tina Smeby

  78. Anonymous Said:

    Erica L

  79. Misty Said:

    Ok, so I commented, but didn’t pay attention to the fact that you want my full name and email. Again, I have issues. But I really really want a book, and also a pic of a booty rub on said book, so….
    Misty Solomon

  80. Lisa Wrench Said:

    So, bummer I didn’t win a zombie… it’s probably better that I didn’t though so I don’t have to explain that one to the boy! But I would LOVE to win a copy of your book to make the alone time that much better! You rock either way 🙂

    Lisa Wrench

  81. Nicole Jordan Said:

    I can’t wait to read this book. I love your humor, plus the other gals in this ingenious masterpiece. I hope you all become millionaires from the sales and then treat all your readers to sushi and wine. lol keep up the good work mama 🙂

  82. Lisa Wrench Said:

    Darn Google just deleted my entire comment! I’ll spare you the humor this time, just please please PICK ME!

    Lisa Wrench

  83. Anonymous Said:

    I’d love to win a copy! Your blog is the best!

    Tammy Lazenby

  84. ash king Said:

    Ash king

    Thank you for the hilarious posts…my man thinks imust have a brain tumor or something bc i hide my phone and read..then laugh out loud….i am not tellin him i found you..hell leave me to stalk your crazy funny ass….ooops gotta go, kid found me…

  85. Anonymous Said:

    And here I thought I was alone in reading my books fully clothed on the toilet.

    Sarah Liesenfeld

  86. Anonymous Said:

    Would like to win a free one and if not I will totally buy it legitimately, I pinky promise! And I take those seriously. and not just because I like my pinkie fingers still attached to me.
    Erin Smoky
    p.s. my email may say I don’t want this, but that only means having to have a gmail account.

  87. Jamie Lamb Said:

    Would love to win a copy!
    I will buy it, of course, and if I really like it, I will choose this as my read when I host our book club in July. We meet the last Friday of every other month, so if I win a copy, I will have a drawing and give it away at our March (29th) or May (31st) book club.

  88. Anonymous Said:

    I really didn’t know that there were others hiding in the bathroom. And here I thought I was being so original…..
    Angela Brockway (really needs this book, will buy it anyway)

  89. Kristen Elliott Said:

    Kristen Elliott

  90. Anonymous Said:

    Stephanie Mitchell
    This would be an awesome book to read. If I don’t win I will buy it and pimp it for you chikas. I would truly love to win for the personal note from you. Now I only have four legged furbabies (no children as I can’t have the two legged kid) . But as you say cats are assholes and my bathroom time isn’t sacred either and good luck explaining to two aholes that u need just a few minutes to yourself.!

  91. LilyPetals Said:

    DawnMarie Versluys

    You know I love ya lady. I am going to buy this book anyhow but one from you would be so much better. I would proudly display next to my frog queen, Janis Hoplin and we would host great book club meetings and serve Modelo and Guac (and flies because Janis prefers them to avocado)

  92. Nadine Said:

    I would love one for my LMTFA escapes!!
    Nadine Linn

  93. Anonymous Said:

    Would LOVE to have a copy of this book – all the mom bloggers coming together? Who wouldn’t???

    Maria Armstrong

  94. Jenn Said:

    Jenn Jasgur


    Sorry for the yelling, but I’m fried & its only Tuesday.

  95. Rachel Elkins Said:

    I have hid in the crapper to escape my children many times. Here we get puked on, peed on and crapped on and where is the first place we go to escape? The darn bathroom!!! We should have secret doors that lead to a spa or warm beach…

  96. Anonymous Said:

    My husband and I read your blog together. It helps him to understand me better, and I don’t want to rubber cement his lips together as much!

    Vanessa Bailey

  97. Nicole K McKinney Said:

    I’d <3 to win your book! You make me smile :)
    Nicole McKinney

  98. Anonymous Said:

    Bought the kindle edition, but would love to win a paperback to show friends! Terri Thompson

  99. Pass the Wine. Mommy's Out of Sedatives Said:

    I always hide out in the bathroom!! 🙂 Best place on earth!!

    Meccala Draper

  100. srhoades Said:

    I would LOVE to win your book…I need something to read other than US Weekly while I’m hiding from my 4 sons!
    Shannon Rhoades

    *AND yes, my mom brain made me forget to add that in the previous post!

  101. carrie coburn Said:

    Carrie Coburn

  102. Patti Ford Said:

    Winner WInner Chicken Dinner!

  103. Maryann Freeman Said:

    Maryann freeman

  104. Anonymous Said:

    Michelle hydle

  105. JoPac96 Said:

    JoDee Garcia

    If I win, can you please send a pic of you humping book too? That would fulfill all my dreams, Thank you.

  106. leesuhrenay Said:

    Lisa Crockett leesuhrenay@gmail

  107. Kena Henley Said:

    Kena Henley

    I would lock myself in the bathroom until I was done reading your book!!! I love reading your posts and blogs! I have 3 kids so I definitely know how not having a second alone feels!!! Thank you for the laughs!!!!!

  108. Anonymous Said:

    Denise Stanford

  109. MaeB Said:

    Oh my goodness please give my mom your book this talking is her Daughter my mom loves you tons you make her laugh so hard it makes her have to pee and in this case i must bug the crap out of her so she has no peace in mind thank you love my moms Daughter ruby

  110. Your dinner companion Said:

    Monica Brock

    I look forward to reading! I have 3 children, and I need something good to read while I’m hiding in the oval office.

  111. Anonymous Said:

    I would spork my own eyeballs out for this book!! I’m just kidding, I wouldn’t be able to read it then silly! But I would really LOVE to own my very own copy that I won!
    Jean Wanser-White

  112. Anonymous Said:

    Still laughing from just what little you shared! Heather Angle-Gardner

  113. Laura Loecken Said:

    I’m living proof that you do survive “their” childhood. The crazy thing though….I’m not so sure. I would love a copy of your book though, butt rubbed or not, to read while I’m relaxing in the bathroom with my cats. Old habits never die. Laura Loecken

  114. Monster Lilly Said:

    I have escaped to the comfort of my roof at times. The kids lose their shit when they don’t know where I am, and I can sneakily spy on their little asses when they go outside desperately yelling “mommy, where are you!” And I yell back “put a coat on! it’s freezing out there!” But I duck down before they see me and then they really think I am all knowing and powerful. Thank you for allowing me to feel like this is normal behavior, because I really don’t have a clue what I am doing with this being a mother thing.
    Melissa Pinel

  115. Anonymous Said:

    As always you crack me up. I Want a copy of that book!
    Tara McDougall email

  116. Anonymous Said:

    Me me pick me! 🙂 Natasha Neal

  117. RonMommyRun Said:

    So happy to know that I’m not the only mom who does this!! My kids are getting too smart (5 & 6) so I have had to become super-stealthy about sneaking my Kindle in the bathroom so I don’t get busted. Emily

  118. TheLilMommaB Said:

    With a 5 month old, 4,5,8,9 year old and babysitting a 3,4,9 year old I think I might have this problem and could use you’re book to treat it 🙂 Amanda Brooks

  119. Anonymous Said:

    Pretty please!
    Tara Sexton

  120. Lowlife Lola Said:

    Chelsea Clark

    I follow you avidly on facebook. You’re awesome. I hope to start my own blog sometime soon when I upgrade to a computer from this smart(?)phone. Seems like a goodway to utilize an unfinished journalism degree. 🙂

  121. Anonymous Said:

    Need this book , can u post to England ? Pamela Scott . Xx

  122. Ashley Faulk Said:

    Ashley Faulk

    Your post speak to my soul, my insane, twisted soul lol

  123. The Penquin Said:

    My “darlings” are 24 and 19. Don’t want to bum you out but my boys still bother me!

    Carol DuPont

  124. Anonymous Said:

    Jessica Mallett,
    I had full intentions on purchasing this book until I lost my job at the beginning of the month. Win the contest or not when I find another job I will be getting this book. So many things you say remind me of myself with my 3. I can’t wait to read it…probably on the potty away from my heathens!

  125. Rodney Martin Said:

    Rod Martin

    Thanks for all of your funny stuff!

  126. Stephanie Haney Said:

    Stephanie Latham
    Ur so mother luving awesome!

  127. Khara Gaskamp Said:

    Khara Gaskamp,

    Please, Please, Please pick me!!! I would be so ecstatic that I would become a Girl Scout just so I can join your Girl Scout Fight Club!!!

  128. Megan Said:

    Aack, I love you so much! I totally wanna hang out with you, but I feel like it would quickly dissolve into a huge fight about who loves Daryl Dixon more and that’d be the end of our friendship. 🙁

  129. Anonymous Said:

    April Ressler


  130. kelly bags Said:

    you, but I feel like it would quickly dissolve into a huge fight about who loves Daryl Dixon more and that’d be the end of our friendship.

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