March 6, 2013

Everyone knows I hate chain mail. So if you give me a chain mail it pretty much means that you’re trying to harm me, because you know that I will break the chain. So basically it’s like you’re trying to commit murder by proxy. Nice try, suckers.

So I just found out that a “friend of mine tagged me in some kind of chain mail blog post where you are supposed to answer a crap ton of questions or suffer death by freak chain mail-breaking accident. Well, since I like my friend and I hate dying, I decided to do it. Then, just when I sat down to try to pay attention and answer all that BS, he called me.  He was all “What are you doing?” then I was all “Well, I just sat down to answer all that bullshit then you called me so chances are it’s never gonna happen cuz you know what happens when I get distracted” and he was all “You HAVE to do it!” and I was all “I’m never gonna do it!” But I’m doing it. And I’m doing it 3% because I want to make him happy, and 97% because I don’t want my ceiling fan to fall on me while it’s a high speed and chop my head off, cuz THAT’S the kind of freak accident that happens when you break a chain, you guys. Did you see that guy that got eaten by the earth while he was asleep last week? Most people were saying “Oh my God! That’s awful!” And yes, it WAS awful. But what’s even more awful is that my first thought was “I bet it was a freakin’ chain letter” and my second thought was “That’s just the kinda BS that would totally happen to me. Especially since I just got a new bed and it’s the best freaking bed in the whole wide world. It’d be so snarky of The Universe to let me have the best week’s sleep of my life and then be all She looks so relaxed, time to feed her to the Earth’s core!”

But, like I said, I’m doing it. Here they are.WHO ARE YOU? 
(Who who who who)
1. Where were you born? 
I was born in an iron lung where my mother, an ex-prostitute, was confined after contracting some kind of whore disease from Keith Richards after she gave him a freebie after a concert one night in Cincinnati. Keith Richards is not my dad, though. My mom was already knocked up with me when she let Richards violate her free of charge.
2. Were you named after someone?
Yes. I was named after Patty Duke. Ya see, my mom’s whore disease gave me a secondary baby whore disease that caused me to be blind at birth, and since my mom was a big fan of that Miracle Worker movie, she thought it only fitting. Unfortunately, she spelled it wrong and gave me an “i” instead of a “y.” Also unfortunately, or fortunately, I regained my sight at age 27 minutes when the doctors realized that my baby whore disease was just a bunch of vagina junk that was caked onto my eyeballs. A few swipes of a damp washcloth and holy miracle worker, Batman! I could see.
3. How many children do you have?
I have 5 but I only raise one. The other 4 are being raised by their father, Jon Bon Jovi. I allow his wife to pretend that they are hers.
4. How many pets?
How many pets…what? How many pets do I have? How many pets does my 2nd cousin have? How many pets are on the planet? How many pets does it take to change a lightbulb? This question is confusing and incomplete and I refuse to answer it. Next.
5. What’s the worst injury you ever sustained?
The worst injury I ever sustained was when I was about 15 and innocently walking through my backyard when suddenly my brother Peter threw a football to my other brother Bobby, and that wussy jackhole missed it and the ball hit me right in the nose. It wasn’t broken, but it swelled up like a sonuvabitch and I looked hideous. So hideous in fact, that it ruined my chances of going out on a date with this popular guy named Doug. Thankfully, I had dumped a dork named Charlie to go out with Doug, and Charlie was desperate and nerdy so even after my nose swelled up the size of a potato, Charlie still took me out and I even got a free meal outta the deal. Unfortunately, I couldn’t taste the free meal because when your nose gets swollen shut you kinda lose your sense of taste. But it was free and free shit rocks.
6. Do you have any special talents?
Seriously? Are you actually asking me this question right now? Name a talent. I have it. I am the most talented woman on the planet. I hula hooped for 6 straight days once, without stopping. I didn’t even sleep. I even caught, killed, and cooked my own food while hula-ing the hell outta my hoop. I wore a diaper so I could just go boom boom in my pants. Then, I whistled and sang lovely music like Snow White and some birds would fly over and change my diaper, all while I was hula-ing up a storm. I have about infinity more talents, but I won’t list them or else you will feel super inferior. That’s another talent of mine: Making people feel good about themselves.

7. Favorite thing to bake?
Seriously? Again with the incomplete sentence? This time I’m gonna give you a break and assume you mean what is MY favorite thing to bake. The answer to that is anything that can be baked in a Holly Hobbie oven. Nothing tastes as good as something that’s been cooked with lightbulb power.

Oh. Hell. Yes.

8. Favorite food? 
God. Here we go again with the incomplete. MY favorite food is anything that I don’t have to pay for or cook myself.

9. Would you bungee jump?
No. No I would not bungee jump. Why? It’s ridiculous. It’s asking for trouble. Basically, a bungee is just a giant rubber band, right? Well, I use rubber bands all the damn time, and guess what? They break. They break easily. So am I gonna tie myself to one and jump off a building or something stupid like that? Frick no.

10. What is the first thing you notice about people?
If they’re wearing clothes or not. If they’re wearing clothes, I notice that. If they’re not, I notice that too.

11. When was the last time you cried?
I don’t cry. I’m not a little bitch.

12. Any current worries? 
If you are asking me if I am currently worried about anything, the answer is yes. I am worried about when the frick this questionnaire is gonna be over. And if you are asking me if I have any current worries, as in, any worries about the current, I would say no. If I were on the river I might. Strong currents can be a bitch. But I am in my house. There is no river here.

13. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly.
Everclear, absinthe, and the blood of baby mermaids. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Baby mermaids? I’ve never even seen a baby mermaid!” Of course you haven’t. I take them all and drink their blood. That’s how I got so awesome.

14. What’s your favorite book?
I don’t know how to read. My pet monkey is actually doing this questionnaire for me.

15. Would you like to be a pirate?
No. But I’d like to DO a pirate. Jack Sparrow, call me!

16. Favorite smells?
(a) Again with the incomplete sentence, (b) Not poop. Seriously. Anything that doesn’t smell like poop is cool.

17. Why do you blog?
I don’t. My monkey blogs. See question #14.

18. What song do you want played at your funeral?
This question is irrelevant to me, because I am not going to die. Why the hell do you think I drink all that baby mermaid blood? It’s not for the taste. Duh.

19. What is your favorite thing about yourself.
My ability to talk people into doing stuff. Stupid stuff that makes them look silly.

20. What is your favorite hobby?
Stamp collecting. But the “s” is silent. And there’s an “r.” Tramp collecting. I collect tramps. The hobo kind, not the slut kind. I keep them in my attic.

21. Name something you’ve done that you never though you would do.
Answer this questionnaire.

22. What do you look for in a friend?
See #19. I look for someone that I can talk into doing things. And beer. I look for someone who has a beer fridge that they keep stocked with Modelo.

23. What are your favorite fun things to do?
Knit. Make dinners from scratch. Read the good book. Clean. Do laundry. Wait on my family hand and foot. Pick up hookers. Smoke crack. Beat up Girl Scouts in my Girl Scout Fight Club. Not necessarily in that order.

24. What are your pet peeves?
When my friends send me questionnaires. Also, the earth eating me and my bed while I sleep. Which is mainly why I am answering this questionnaire.

25. What’s the last thing that made you laugh?
Thinking about how pissy my friend is gonna be when he reads my answers to this questionnaire.

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23 Responses to “Everyone knows I hate chain mail. So if you give me a chain mail it pretty much means that you’re trying to harm me, because you know that I will break the chain. So basically it’s like you’re trying to commit murder by proxy. Nice try, suckers.”

  1. Jen Said:

    Thank you so much for existing. On this planet or any other. Because you are almost funny enough to elicit a guffaw, and not just a throat chuckle. OK you are. I know you are a big deal, but somehow I just found you. So I’ll be stalking you again….

  2. Bethanne Murray Said:

    You are too entertaining for words right now! Blood of baby mermaids?!?! How do you get these things in your head???lol!

  3. Athena HM Said:

    People still send chain emails???

  4. My Latte Brings All the Boys to the Yard Said:

    I SO wanted to tag you when I did mine but I am glad he was the pest. I knew you’d rock out with your…uh..spork out.

    Funny. As. Hell.

  5. Donna Said:

    THIS is too helarious. BUT, don’t be frustrated at your technical stuff enough to kick kittens. Take it out on the monkey typing your blog and make him tell us about why you’re flustrated. 😀

  6. AspergersGirl Said:

    I kinda, sorta, maybe love you a little too much! Thank you for your craziness!

  7. meeko08 Said:

    Just want to point out that you can have born jovis babies but I am of course his real love and he is obviously jumping for joy joy that Iam finally going to allow him to perform for me (all those other people in the audience are just a front). You make me laugh when I really need it so thank you.

  8. ComfyTown Chronicles Said:

    omg you are NOT supposed to TALK about girl scout fight club. The rest is solid gold and I really want it to be made into a movie.

  9. Anonymous Said:

    Strong currents can be a bitch. Ha!

  10. Tiffany M Said:

    OMG…this is so what I needed after a megacrappy few days! You rock and I am so glad I found your blog. I forget who intro’d me to it but they are awesome. Oh and I have intro’d many of mah peeps to your blog lol….because I am generous and awesome that way.

  11. Anonymous Said:

    Seriously just laughed my ass off!!

  12. RachRiot Said:

    I read his questionnaire yesterday, saw your name and KNEW you wouldn’t do that shit– but here you are, proving me wrong! Also #22? “Look for someone I can talk into doing things.” Absolute truth- this bitch talked me into putting a picture of my swollen, near fatal eye injury up for the world to see. THANKS?

  13. Humble Said:

    #25 Nailed it!

  14. Anonymous Said:

    Lmao good way for people not to.send u chain letters

  15. the robot mommy Said:

    I’d say I cry-laughed while reading this but I’m not a little bitch.

  16. Anonymous Said:

    But how many pets DOES it take to change a lightbulb? I need to borrow some to fix my Easy Bake Oven cuz I’m not cool enough to own a Holly Hobbie

  17. Anonymous Said:

    Every night I look at your page and read whats happened in patti world that day :). And every night i fall asleep giggling to myself :). Thanks for always being a good end to my day :). Wonder what crazy dream i’ll have tonight ;). Gillyb

  18. Kim at Let Me Start By Saying Said:

    You are my most favorite insane cookie. Thanks for the blog love AND for something very amusing to read instead of getting work done this morning!

  19. Toulouse Said:

    “Oh My NOSE! Oh My NOSE! Oh My Nose!” Seriously one of the most memorable scenes of my youth. But now I’ll be picturing you in MarciaMarciaMarcia’s place, with a unicorn in the background, and THAT is a win for me!
    Thanks for the shout-out!

  20. Marcy Said:

    I seriously wanna just live one day in your brain! I imagine the voices in your head never stop. Ever. Thanks for the great humor, oh, and I am psyched that I could be your friend, ’cause, per #22, I have the beer fridge in the basement, and it’s stocked with Modelo. Are you a Negra or Especiale girl? (I think there’s some Stella in there too…hope that doesn’t disqualify me!)

  21. Mom Rants and Comfy Pants Said:

    Nothing tastes quite like the things that come out of those ovens. And even when I try to bake in the grown up oven, it still looks like it came out of the other one. Boo!!

  22. Carla Roberson Said:

    I guess I’ll need to start keeping some Modelo in my refrigerator so that we can have drinks. I’d love to meet that monkey that’s doing this questionnaire for you. He’s AWESOME! Does he/she like Modelo as well? Or should I get something else?

  23. Cheryl Hart Said:


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