February 3, 2013

The Chick-Fil-A Bathroom Incident of ’07

If you have an aversion to poop horror stories, you should stop reading now.

Still reading? REALLY? I thought that everyone had an aversion to Poop Horror. But not you, huh? Man, you’re a real freak.
It was a lovely, happy, day, and I took The Boy to Chick-Fil-A to have lunch with some friends. The kids were playing in the play land, and we “adults” were stuffing our pie holes with waffle fries and talking about whatever the heck women in large groups talk about. I tend to space out, so I don’t remember.

About midway through my Diet Coke I had to go to the bathroom. Of course, like any public bathroom, it didn’t smell great in there, but I chalked it up to the fact that this is a kid-friendly restaurant and that changing table is probably on heavy rotation. The bathroom was empty and all 3 stalls were open, but since I am a greedy bish, I decided that I deserved the spaciousness and luxuriousness of the big stall. So I waltzed my little spoiled ass in there, and without surveying the area first, I closed the door behind me. After locking the door, I turned to walk towards the toilet, and that is the moment when I learned a lesson about the importance of conducting a proper survey before entering a stall. There is a reason that, for the last 6 years, I have totally Karate Kid Crane Kicked the door of every stall that I am considering peeing in.

ONE MUST ALWAYS KARATE KID CRANE KICK THE DOOR TO ANY AND ALL PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS, AND SURVEY THE INTERIOR OF SAID STALLS, PRIOR TO PHYSICALLY ENTERING THE STALLS.

Kick and look, you guys.

It’s that easy.

Kick. And. Look.

All I can say is that I have no idea WTF went down in that stall.

I mean, it was definitely nothing that could be accomplished by anyone with 100% human DNA. Alien/Human hybrid, or Animal/Human hybrid? Maybe. Psychotic circus bear with an amazingly unhealthy hatred for all humanity, on the run after his animal train derailed, popping in to devour a party tray of chickin strips, a gallon of Lemonade, 3 gallons of coffee, topped off with a side of Ex-Lax? More likely. Someone or someTHING had taken a twosies everywhere in that stall. Well, everywhere except for the place you are supposed to take your twosies. On the floor to the left of the toilet? Check. On the floor to the right of the toilet? Check. In front of the toilet. Check. Behind the toilet? Check. On the back of the toilet? Check On the walls? I’m sorry you guys, but that’s also a check.

It was as if someone had been imprisoned in there and was marking off the days with a big poop marker.

I was frozen in fear for what seemed like hours.

When I snapped out of my shock, I turned to unlock the stall door and totally couldn’t remember how a lock worked. It was like one of those scary movies where someone’s being chased by a murderer and they can’t remember how to open a door to escape, or dial a phone for help. When you’re actually living a moment of sheer terror, these simple things become nearly impossible.

I was stressing out.

I tried to focus on the lock, but I couldn’t stop looking at the horrific crime scene to my right. I began to imagine the pieces of poop all rising up to form into one giant poop monster that would strangle me with its strong, murdery, poop hands. Then I started thinking, “Whoever, or whatever did all of this had to touch this door to get out of here!” Since my fingers had been all over that lock and door while I was desperately trying to escape the poop stall, that realization nearly killed me right then and there.

There’s not enough Purell in the world to make you feel clean after that.

Even a Silkwood shower is gonna leave you feeling like a dirty crap whore.

The only thing that kept me alive was the knowledge that I had a son out there in that play land who would eventually come looking for me.

If I died, I would die in a bathroom stall full of poop.

And unless a CSI team was called in to properly investigate this situation, the coroners would most likely think that I was the guilty pooper!

I did NOT wanna be the poopetrator!

I couldn’t leave that legacy for The Boy to bear.

“Hey, Boy! I heard your mom’s the one that died in that disgusting poop pile in the big stall at Chick-Fil-A!”

He’d never live that down.

And all because I felt like I deserved the stretch limo of bathroom stalls, when the mini pooper woulda done just fine.

My whole poop legacy might even keep him from getting into an Ivy League University. You might get straight A’s and be valedictorian of your class, but if you’re the spawn of a woman who dropped 20 pounds of brown horror all over the big stall at a Chick-Fil-A, then drew on the walls with it, then tossed it all over like she was playing a poop and potty version of horse shoes before finally dying in it, you’re kinda screwed. That’s just the kind of baggage that could not only keep you from getting into the college of your choice, but could also keep you from getting a good job, a good wife, and having any normal kind of future.

You’ve all seen what happened to Dexter Morgan after witnessing that whole mom in a shipping container fiasco. Dead mom in a bloody shipping container. Dead mom in a poopy big stall. Think about it.

And in case you’re wondering what the heck DID happen in that stall, I still have no idea. When I finally got out, I grabbed The Boy and told one of the employees that they needed to burn the whole building down. Then we hit the road for the sweet sweet comforts of home, and my own poopocalypse-free potty.

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30 Responses to “The Chick-Fil-A Bathroom Incident of ’07”

  1. tattooedtrailertrash Said:

    Sadly, I have seen this more than just a couple of times in public restrooms. I am such a germaphobe that I would almost rather go on myself than face the nastiness of a public restroom. I have come to realize that woman are some of the nastiest beings on this planet. I have never seen, or heard anybody complaining about the mens restrooms….

  2. Tracy Starr Said:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Tracy Starr Said:

    I have definitely heard of men doing nasty things in public restrooms. Many moons ago my little sister managed a DQ and on more than one occasion she had to make a run to the store to buy new hand soap and despenser because some man decided to “brown chicken brown cow” with Rosey into the soap despenser. :/

  4. Anonymous Said:

    Try cleaning the seat with hand sanitar and then double up on the toiletseat covers that’s what I do and if people can’t be respectful then they should go home and show there moms how disrespectful they are and see how they like there kids are.

  5. Anonymous Said:

    Omymotherfuckingawd…I am dying of laughter. I would’ve thrown up. That is so disgusting but your description is hilarious!

  6. Mad Mom Said:

    From now on I will.be using your coined phrases poopacalypse and poopinator.

  7. Mad Mom Said:

    Henceforth I will be using your coined phrases poopinator and poopacalypse which are both now saved in my phone dictionary.

  8. Anonymous Said:

    So did you ever get to tinkle?

  9. Anonymous Said:

    Because men just go, they don’t care or report. As long as they don’t have to clean it, that’s all that matters. Also, most go in to pee, and they do so standing up…so no cootie transfer.

  10. Shae Said:

    Im sorry but that is seriously the funniest thing i have read in a long time and i will laugh everytime i go into a public restroom now, i have a daughter that feels the need to investigate every restroom everywhere.

  11. Anonymous Said:

    I have seen this in both womens AND mens restrooms, when I worked at a fast food restaurant! Let me tell you from experience… men are by far worse!!

  12. Jennifer Said:

    Well you are braver than I am. I would not have said a word to anyone for fear of them thinking it was me anyway. I would have run out the door and grabbed my kid and slid out of there like it was done sort of covert operation.

  13. Anonymous Said:

    At least it wasnt a taco bell :/

  14. gander2112 Said:

    One summer in High School I did janitorial service at a local Pizza chain. One of those “family friendly” places with games for the kids, and animatronics to entertain you while you ate lousy pizza.

    Anyways, the bathrooms were always the worst part of the job. I can assure you that the Ladies room had more “blow out” like events. Some of what I had to clean up then still make me shudder 30 years later.

  15. Anonymous Said:

    I used to work in a high end gym in Orange County Ca. I went to take a shower and there was a used tampon laying on the floor. Then I was told by one of the workers that she found a piece of poop in one of the community conditioner containers. Think about it. Someone had to literally crap in their hand, open the container and drop the poop in it. WHY? Why is this rich person doing such childish act?

    Lesson learned. Never use a community product.

  16. Anonymous Said:

    Rotfl

  17. lizabethl0vesyou Said:

    Of all the people for this to happen to, I’m glad it happened to you. Nobody else would be able to tell the story as pooptasticly as you did.

  18. Tiffany Said:

    I used to work at Taco Bueno and this was a pretty regular occurance. I remember a homeless guy had been hanging out all day in the store because it was cold and I was giving him free coffee. I went to clean the bathrooms later and there was coffee wall to wall covering every millimeter of that bathroom AND a poopacalypse had occured. There was poop up and down one urinal even and vomit in the other. I dry heave just thinking about it.

  19. Christina Sherman Said:

    Hahahahaewgrosshahahahahahaomfg

  20. Christina Sherman Said:

    Hahahahaewgrosshahahahaomfgwhat
    Hahahahaimsosorrythishappenedhah

  21. lizabethl0vesyou Said:

    Of all the people for this to happen to, I’m glad it was you. Nobody else would be able to tell the story as pooptastically as you.

  22. Anonymous Said:

    I worked in a fast food chain once and we had a regular “mentally Handicap” person who would come in with his helper.. never failed he would have to use the bathroom while he was there. We did not inform our new manager of this man’s “routine” in the bathroom. Our manager walked in on him, poopcicle in one hand; poo pie in the other; drawing on the walls and coloring it in. this poor manager walked out and went to the sink in the back and irked. the man’s helper was a woman and had no clue. We told the manager that we would not clean it up and the manager left it for the night manager.. we never saw the new manager again.

  23. tt Said:

    While managing a coffee shop there was an employee from a fast food restaurant across the street come and use our bathroom everyday… she would leave a nice hot, steaming pile of crap on the floor and smear it on the sink and toilet. every. single. day. The final day she stepped in it and left a trail while attempting to exit the store.
    What does one do in this situation after nearly two weeks trying to figure out what was going on?… freak the fuck out on her in front of a line of customers and report her to her management! Ok, the “in front of customers” part isn’t the most professional scene but seriously, we were all flabbergasted and when we finally figured out who was doing it via poop prints, I lost it and wasn’t alone in my tempter tantrum. blecht

  24. My three monkeys Said:

    Years ago we had a yard sale. An elderly lady asked to use our restroom. My husband checked the potty when she left. Granny had smeared twosies all over the seat. To this day I thank God it was hubs who discovered this travesty. Husband of the Year award to him for cleaning it before I had to bear witness. We replaced the toilet seat.

  25. Mandio Said:

    I worked at Pizza Hut a few years ago and there was a twosie mess on the toiley that I was supposed to clean. I told the shift manager that I refused to clean it and that I’d rather lose my job over it. She called the manager who informed her they couldn’t force me to clean it up. I was on her “shit list” after that!

  26. vivelapocalypse Said:

    Ewww. Tragic AND hilarious. I worked at Peet’s Coffee several years ago. One night a woman we referred to as “Quadzilla” (because she would come in one minute before closing and order four quadruple espressos, which she would drink all by herself) unleashed her fury in the bathroom. Well, you can imagine the damage four quad espressos could do to one’s digestive system. I shudder at the memory. -Amy http://runmamarunblog.wordpress.com

  27. Amy Said:

    Hilarious and tragic. I used to work at Peet’s Coffee. A woman would come in frequently the minute before closing and order four quadruple espressos, often making the barista remake them multiple times because they weren’t up to her standards. She would then down them all in one sitting. We referred to her as “Quadzilla”. Well, you can imagine the havoc four quad espressos would wreak on one’s digestive system. One night Quadzilla released her fury on the bathroom. The result was worse than any movie monster you could possibly imagine. It was like a nightmare. O, the wrath of Quadzilla!

  28. Anonymous Said:

    Lmao…just luv the fact the 1st time I come to your blog I click the 1st link under”about me” I end up reading this disaster,too funny…&yea luv the term ‘poopacalypse’

  29. Anonymous Said:

    Omg…when my daughter was an infant she needed a diaper change in a Best Buy. I opened the changing table only to find what looked like a murder. Underwear, tampon and an entire fingerprint mesage about angry hoes. Explaining that to the all-male staff was a great time, too!

  30. lisa Said:

    Karate kid chop kick…look. Lesson learned…T.Y!!!!!

    Love your blogs!

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