February 12, 2013

It’s Valentine’s Day, and some b*tches be trippin’ (This is my valentine to the men of the world – I feel your pain)

If you ask me, February is the definitely the worst month of the year. The only good thing about it is that it’s short. It’s only 28 days. Except for when it’s 29. And I never fully understood what the hell that was all about. I just assume that the reason it’s a short month is cuz the missing days just wanted to jump ship and get the hell out of February. They probably wanted to be part of a summer month. Or maybe even December. And who could blame them? If I was a day I’d much rather be in a sunny/beachy/beer drinking month or a month where everyone’s drunk on eggnog and getting an ass-load of presents. And this whole leap year thing? I have no clue about that. I never really paid that much attention in school unless we were playing on those scooter thingies in PE, or learning about our blossoming bodies or cutting up frogs and turning them into marionettes. Yeah. That happened.

February sucks. And the reason it sucks is because of one stupid day. Remember that Osmond song about how that one shitty apple spoiled the whole bunch, girl? Well, Valentine’s Day is the rotten-ass apple that makes all the other 27 or 28 or whatever the hell it is, days suck balls. It’s guilt by association, you guys. 
Since I am technically a female, I will begin by telling you why February sucks, from a female’s point of view. 
Wait. I can’t do that. Why can’t I do that? Because from a female’s point of view, February does not suck. Okay, okay. Not ALL females feel this way. I -for one- think Valentine’s Day sucks balls. But to many girls (key word being GIRLS), February is a magical month about love and romance and stuff like that. It is a month during which they find out how much their man truly loves them. And how do they find this out, you ask? They find this out by rating everything that happens -or does not happen- on February 14th. Every. Little. Thing.
And I have news for you men of the world: Oftentimes, you just can’t win. February sucks for men. And no matter which way you look at it, this whole Valentine’s Day is usually a lose/lose situation. 

Early in their dating life, a lot of men try to do what’s expected of them. And what’s expected of them is to be that guy who plans out the perfect Valentine’s Day for his girl. This poor guy feels like he’s got it in the bag. He’s planned for weeks. Maybe even months. He bought her a lovely bracelet. He got a reservation at a romantic restaurant. Ya know, the kind where you have to wear dress-up clothes, eat snails, know which fork is for what, and chew with your mouth closed. He might surprise his girl with some sexy lingerie after dinner. And he probably bought the chocolates in the heart-shaped box. Maybe even a teddy bear. He definitely got long-stemmed roses that the flower shop jacked up to $150.00 for this most special of days. This dude also got the perfect card at Hallmark that totally expresses how he feels. This guy is confident that he has covered all of the bases. This guy went all out.

But guess what? This guy is screwed. And I don’t mean that literally. He’s screwed because he’s probably not getting screwed. And there are oh so many reasons.

He might be screwed because he chose the wrong restaurant. Maybe a seafood place. And he forgot she’s allergic to seafood. Or maybe the place is too fancy, and she didn’t have anything to wear. So why the hell did he surprise her like that? If only he’d told her earlier, she could have gone shopping for an outfit! And this bracelet he got her? It’s yellow gold. She likes white. All her other jewelry is white, so this won’t match. Hasn’t he ever noticed? Doesn’t he ever even look at her??? And a box of chocolates? Really? Doesn’t he remember that she gave up sugar so she could lose a few pounds! Does he not remember the time he said her butt looked fat in those pants?? Okay. Maybe he didn’t actually SAY that, but when she asked him if her butt looked fat in those pants he took more than 2 seconds before he said “no” which is the same thing as saying “Girl, you look like a freakin’ hippo!” And a teddy bear? Really? What is she? A third grader? What in the holy balls is she gonna do with a freakin’ teddy bear? Put it on her Strawberry Shortcake comforter next to her Rainbow Brite doll and snuggle it while she looks dreamily at her Ricky Schroeder poster? What the hell IS he? Some kind of pedophile? And roses? Really? How original! She could have bought a new outfit to wear to the fancy-ass restaurant with all the money he spent on those dumb-ass roses! Did he ever think of that? And did he actually go INTO a flower shop or just buy them from one of those parking lot tents at the last minute? A hobo probably took a piss on those parking lot roses. And besides, she like tulips. NOT roses. Roses remind her of her dead granny and when she thinks of her dead granny her ulcer flares up. Doesn’t he even care about her sadness and digestive health? And the card. All he did was sign his name? HIS FREAKIN’ NAME??? Doesn’t he have anything sweet to say to her? He couldn’t write her a freakin’ sentence about how much she means to him? Nothing? And lingerie? Oh. My. Freaking. God. LINGERIE? I hope this douche-hole doesn’t think she doesn’t know what THAT’S for! He bought that for himself! What the hell is she gonna do with fancy lingerie? He knows damn well she sleeps in a t-shirt and boxers! Why? Cuz it’s comfortable, that’s why! We all know he only bought her lingerie cuz he wants some sexy time. And he thinks she’s gonna let him touch her in-between after all that other crap he messed up? He only signed his freaking name in the stupid-ass piece of crap Hallmark card he bought her that isn’t even special because literally thousands of guys probably bought their girl the same freaking card! CAN’T HE WRITE SOMETHING TO HER FROM HIS COLD, DEAD, HEART????

I told you. This guy is screwed.
But what if he hadn’t done anything? If he hadn’t done anything, his girl would still be mega-pissed. But this time she’d be pissed because WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU GET ME A BRACELET OR SOME CHOCOLATES OR A TEDDY BEAR OR SOME LINGERIE OR TAKE ME TO A FANCY-ASS DINNER? DON’T YOU EVEN LOVE ME?

That guy is screwed too.

Listen, there’s really nothing you can do about it. At least if you are unmarried and in a certain age-bracket, let’s say, 16-30 or so, this is just what’s probably gonna happen. At this age, lots of girls are immature and don’t have a clue what they really want. We’ve all been there. When I was younger I dated guys who gave me nothing and planned nothing, and I got all kinds of pissed and broke up with them to date guys who gave me things and planned things. Then when those guys gave me things and planned things, they usually weren’t the right things, and I felt all kinds of smothered because of all the attention they were giving me. FOR FRICK SAKE, I CAN’T EVEN BREATHE ANYMORE AND YOU CALL ME TOO MUCH AND YOU’RE ALWAYS ALL UP IN MY GRILL AND IF I HAVE TO SPEND ONE MORE CRAPPY MINUTE LOOKING AT YOUR FACE I’M GONNA VOMIT ON IT!

Guys. Can’t. Win.

The best you can hope for is to find that needle in the haystack or to make it to the age where the girls turn into women and honestly don’t care about that stuff anymore. What do WOMEN want? A good man. Someone to help around the house. Help with the kids. Pick up the dry-cleaning every now and then. Fold some damn laundry. Empty the dishwasher. Take our car in for a wash. Offer to pick up dinner so we don’t have to cook. Give us a back or foot rub when we’re stressed out. Listen to us when we talk. Like, actually LISTEN. Be interested in what we’re up to. Rent a movie that we wanna see, even if everyone talks in an English accent and wears corsets and the entire movie takes place in a farmhouse.

If you do all of these things and your woman still whines about all that ridiculous Valentine’s Day crap and compares what she got to what her friends all got and you dread February 14th like you dread the freaking Zombie Apocalypse? If that’s the case, then it’s time to stop dreading the Zombie Apocalypse and start praying for it. Cuz ain’t nobody got time for no Hallmark Holidays when hordes of the undead are trying to eat their faces off. And if the Zombiepocalypse hits and your woman is STILL worrying about Valentine’s Day? If that happens, you can seriously just wait until some Zombies are chasing you and then trip her. Nobody would judge you for that. Haven’t you seen any Zombie movies? Every time a whiney person gets eaten, the audience cheers. And you can think of it as your valentine to the Zombies. Zombies need love too.

(Art by Kipling West)

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21 Responses to “It’s Valentine’s Day, and some b*tches be trippin’ (This is my valentine to the men of the world – I feel your pain)”

  1. Candace Brockhaus Said:

    LOVE!! I have never liked this holiday either & don’t see any point in it (that’s a whole ‘nother blog in itself). You hit the nail on the head with this one!

  2. Jessica Burkhart Said:

    I am easy on V.Day….buy me a box o wine, and watch zombie movies , and that man will definately get sexy time

  3. christa Said:

    i never have been a fan of valentines day. i have always thought it was so cheesy. the teddy bears, the candy. the slutty underwears. My husband always asks if i want to do something. You would think after 12 years of me making a barf sound at him when he asks he would get it. 😉

  4. Anonymous Said:

    Totally, dude. It’s an absurd, made-up holiday for children. Everybody calm the fudge down. –Katy Brown

  5. Robin C Said:

    I, too, have always had a strong dislike for V-day….just stupid. LOVE this entry….hilarious!

  6. Heather Sanders Said:

    This is absolutely so true and right on the money! Who in their right mind actually enjoys Valentines Day? I LOVE THIS! And not in a pink hearts, red stars, blue diamonds, Be Mine kind of Valentine-y way either…yuck! I LOVE THIS! In a slap on the back, fist bump, me woman hear me roar, tequila shot kind of way. Keep them coming! You make my day!

  7. Jacqueline Bartram Said:

    Love this post. It’s so true. If my husband remembers to put the toilet seat down on Valentines Day that is present enough lol. After you’ve been with someone so long who cares about some holiday that was probrably invented by Russell Stovers or Hallmark anyways. It’s the little things men do everyday that make you love them (or wanna choke them) not some stupid holiday. Thanks so much for the laugh this morning!!!

  8. Kristen Mae Said:

    I love how you’re freakin hilarious but also a little bit mushy-gushy, too. Yeah. We caught that. 😉

    Happy VD!

  9. Anonymous Said:

    SOOOOO VERYYYY TRUE

  10. Joanna Said:

    My birthday is Valentine’s day. So my whole life I would get something for both.

  11. Diary Of A Mad Fat Woman Said:

    Stupid holiday that is retail driven to get over the post holiday slump in sales before spring.

  12. Miranda Christmas Said:

    I concur…Valentine’s Day blows….and I feel so bad for the guys. They really cannot win.

  13. RachRiot Said:

    That is why I take matters into my own hands and tell my Current Legal Spouse exactly what I want. After 20+ years together, I don’t need to be surprised. I’m surprised when he actually comes home every night instead of running for the hills. Great post, P. Cakes! xo

  14. tdc2283 Said:

    I LOVE this post! Valentine’s is a DAMN Hallmark holiday.

  15. Anonymous Said:

    I’m so not a fan of this day either. And February in general has not been kind to me. But there is one good day in February. That is the 15th… cause that is my birthday. So the way i look at it is this… There is at least one good day (the day of my birth). Then you usually get 3 “free” days (29, 30, 31). So you have 4 days right there that are great and that is already about 1/6th of the month. So starting out you are already ahead of the game in making the month your bitch. LOL… at least that is what i’m going with this year.

  16. Anonymous Said:

    I can’t stand Valentines Day.. It is so overrated it’s not even funny. I refuse to buy cards anymore because they jack up the prices on them by oh, 250% (Hallmark fuck faces).. It is one holiday that I would like to see wiped off the face of the calendar..

  17. Noelene Said:

    You totally nailed it! and made me larf out loud 😀 specially love the bit about the zombies 😀 thank you 🙂

  18. KaytlynLaumann Said:

    Personally, I think it comes from how we are raised. I agree that most girls don’t know what they want and most men are screwed on V Day (and not in the good way). But I’ve never actually cared about V day. It’s another useless holiday that makes or breaks the majority of relationships. Why do you have to show that you love your bf, gf, hubby or wife on this one day? The day when a bunch of guys were killed in a Chicago alley, a day when St. Valentine was stoned and eventually killed. Yea, that’s the day I want to associate with love. Why not show your significant other how you feel on a daily basis by doing the little things, like picking up the dry cleaning or folding laundry? That makes me much more happy and leaves me feeling Mich more loved than chocolates and a fancy dinner a few nights a year (V day, anniversary, b day).

    And on that note, I shall finish my anti-V day rant on my own blog. Sorry for such a long comment, Ms. Patti! Loves

  19. Sarah (Expat-Mom) Said:

    Thank you for writing this prior to Valentine’s Day; with the time difference, I was prepared early. So when my husband gave me a box of chocolates (even though I hate V-Day and in previous years we have agreed not to celebrate it) I smiled graciously and said “Thank you,” with visions of your post in my head. 🙂

  20. Jessica Watson Said:

    Yeah, my husband can’t win either. I’m either spending the day assuming he got me nothing or annoyed that he went to Kroger and only got flowers but nothing on the grocery list.

  21. kdawg Said:

    I agree. Been married for 12yrs but the hubs still gets me something, even though I tell him not to. And gets mad every-fracking-year when I don’t buy him a card. Why? Don’t I show you love by doing your laundry, feeding our kids, getting the sexy on almost every time he wants? Its a stupid ass day for celebrating. I don’t need candy… have some from all the other holidays. Stuffed animals just end up at goodwill, and the cards go in recycling! I’d much rather enjoy a Zombie apocalypse!

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