February 12, 2013
It’s Valentine’s Day, and some b*tches be trippin’ (This is my valentine to the men of the world – I feel your pain)
If you ask me, February is the definitely the worst month of the year. The only good thing about it is that it’s short. It’s only 28 days. Except for when it’s 29. And I never fully understood what the hell that was all about. I just assume that the reason it’s a short month is cuz the missing days just wanted to jump ship and get the hell out of February. They probably wanted to be part of a summer month. Or maybe even December. And who could blame them? If I was a day I’d much rather be in a sunny/beachy/beer drinking month or a month where everyone’s drunk on eggnog and getting an ass-load of presents. And this whole leap year thing? I have no clue about that. I never really paid that much attention in school unless we were playing on those scooter thingies in PE, or learning about our blossoming bodies or cutting up frogs and turning them into marionettes. Yeah. That happened.
Early in their dating life, a lot of men try to do what’s expected of them. And what’s expected of them is to be that guy who plans out the perfect Valentine’s Day for his girl. This poor guy feels like he’s got it in the bag. He’s planned for weeks. Maybe even months. He bought her a lovely bracelet. He got a reservation at a romantic restaurant. Ya know, the kind where you have to wear dress-up clothes, eat snails, know which fork is for what, and chew with your mouth closed. He might surprise his girl with some sexy lingerie after dinner. And he probably bought the chocolates in the heart-shaped box. Maybe even a teddy bear. He definitely got long-stemmed roses that the flower shop jacked up to $150.00 for this most special of days. This dude also got the perfect card at Hallmark that totally expresses how he feels. This guy is confident that he has covered all of the bases. This guy went all out.
He might be screwed because he chose the wrong restaurant. Maybe a seafood place. And he forgot she’s allergic to seafood. Or maybe the place is too fancy, and she didn’t have anything to wear. So why the hell did he surprise her like that? If only he’d told her earlier, she could have gone shopping for an outfit! And this bracelet he got her? It’s yellow gold. She likes white. All her other jewelry is white, so this won’t match. Hasn’t he ever noticed? Doesn’t he ever even look at her??? And a box of chocolates? Really? Doesn’t he remember that she gave up sugar so she could lose a few pounds! Does he not remember the time he said her butt looked fat in those pants?? Okay. Maybe he didn’t actually SAY that, but when she asked him if her butt looked fat in those pants he took more than 2 seconds before he said “no” which is the same thing as saying “Girl, you look like a freakin’ hippo!” And a teddy bear? Really? What is she? A third grader? What in the holy balls is she gonna do with a freakin’ teddy bear? Put it on her Strawberry Shortcake comforter next to her Rainbow Brite doll and snuggle it while she looks dreamily at her Ricky Schroeder poster? What the hell IS he? Some kind of pedophile? And roses? Really? How original! She could have bought a new outfit to wear to the fancy-ass restaurant with all the money he spent on those dumb-ass roses! Did he ever think of that? And did he actually go INTO a flower shop or just buy them from one of those parking lot tents at the last minute? A hobo probably took a piss on those parking lot roses. And besides, she like tulips. NOT roses. Roses remind her of her dead granny and when she thinks of her dead granny her ulcer flares up. Doesn’t he even care about her sadness and digestive health? And the card. All he did was sign his name? HIS FREAKIN’ NAME??? Doesn’t he have anything sweet to say to her? He couldn’t write her a freakin’ sentence about how much she means to him? Nothing? And lingerie? Oh. My. Freaking. God. LINGERIE? I hope this douche-hole doesn’t think she doesn’t know what THAT’S for! He bought that for himself! What the hell is she gonna do with fancy lingerie? He knows damn well she sleeps in a t-shirt and boxers! Why? Cuz it’s comfortable, that’s why! We all know he only bought her lingerie cuz he wants some sexy time. And he thinks she’s gonna let him touch her in-between after all that other crap he messed up? He only signed his freaking name in the stupid-ass piece of crap Hallmark card he bought her that isn’t even special because literally thousands of guys probably bought their girl the same freaking card! CAN’T HE WRITE SOMETHING TO HER FROM HIS COLD, DEAD, HEART????
That guy is screwed too.
Listen, there’s really nothing you can do about it. At least if you are unmarried and in a certain age-bracket, let’s say, 16-30 or so, this is just what’s probably gonna happen. At this age, lots of girls are immature and don’t have a clue what they really want. We’ve all been there. When I was younger I dated guys who gave me nothing and planned nothing, and I got all kinds of pissed and broke up with them to date guys who gave me things and planned things. Then when those guys gave me things and planned things, they usually weren’t the right things, and I felt all kinds of smothered because of all the attention they were giving me. FOR FRICK SAKE, I CAN’T EVEN BREATHE ANYMORE AND YOU CALL ME TOO MUCH AND YOU’RE ALWAYS ALL UP IN MY GRILL AND IF I HAVE TO SPEND ONE MORE CRAPPY MINUTE LOOKING AT YOUR FACE I’M GONNA VOMIT ON IT!
Guys. Can’t. Win.
The best you can hope for is to find that needle in the haystack or to make it to the age where the girls turn into women and honestly don’t care about that stuff anymore. What do WOMEN want? A good man. Someone to help around the house. Help with the kids. Pick up the dry-cleaning every now and then. Fold some damn laundry. Empty the dishwasher. Take our car in for a wash. Offer to pick up dinner so we don’t have to cook. Give us a back or foot rub when we’re stressed out. Listen to us when we talk. Like, actually LISTEN. Be interested in what we’re up to. Rent a movie that we wanna see, even if everyone talks in an English accent and wears corsets and the entire movie takes place in a farmhouse.
If you do all of these things and your woman still whines about all that ridiculous Valentine’s Day crap and compares what she got to what her friends all got and you dread February 14th like you dread the freaking Zombie Apocalypse? If that’s the case, then it’s time to stop dreading the Zombie Apocalypse and start praying for it. Cuz ain’t nobody got time for no Hallmark Holidays when hordes of the undead are trying to eat their faces off. And if the Zombiepocalypse hits and your woman is STILL worrying about Valentine’s Day? If that happens, you can seriously just wait until some Zombies are chasing you and then trip her. Nobody would judge you for that. Haven’t you seen any Zombie movies? Every time a whiney person gets eaten, the audience cheers. And you can think of it as your valentine to the Zombies. Zombies need love too.
|(Art by Kipling West)|
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