February 16, 2013

Facebook Friday – AKA Amazing crap you may have missed.

I know it sounds effed up and wrong you guys, but it’s totally true: I have lots of blog readers who don’t read Facebook. I also have lots of Facebook readers who don’t read this blog. The latter is way easier for me to understand. On Facebook everything is condensed and quick. I mean, sure, I AM one of the most long-winded Facebook status writers OF ALL TIME (an official title that I just now gave to myself, and that myself accepted from myself with a fist bump and an air hump with myself), but still, compared to a blog post, the statuses are pretty short. My Facebook page is basically a condensed version of my blog. It’s also the reason that I went from posting an average of three blogs per week, to maybe one. I find that I tell lots of my stories on Facebook the minute that they happen, and then when I sit down to write a blog, I’m all  like “Yeah, told that one already,” so I end up playing with my split ends and looking at miniature goats wearing clothes, instead of actually writing anything. 

Lately I’ve received lots of emails and seen lots of Facebook posts from people who missed something somewhere and don’t know WTF is going on. Let’s face it, if you follow my writings, there is a lot to keep up with. And if you only read my blog OR my Facebook and not both, you are totally gonna get lost at some point. Some peoples blogs and/or Facebook pages are like little short films, where you can read them now and then and everything stands on it’s own, and you don’t need any background information. My stuff is like an endless mini-series, where if you miss one part you’re gonna be totally lost. Case in point: “Babycado Orchard,” “NotPatti Ford,” and “Timeburger.” Those are all things I often reference that some people have no freaking idea what I’m talking about, yet others recall every amazing detail. Actually, The Hub said that he thinks that instead of a mini-series, my stuff is like a serial drama,  like “Lost.” But hopefully with more comedy, and less dead people and smoke monster.

Anyways, due to all of that lostness, I have decided to try doing a Facebook Friday post every week on this blog. This will be a way for me to share little stories and/or photos that you may have missed whether you are on Facebook or not.  And today is Friday, so here we go.

Things you may have missed:

-A website called Circle of Moms had a Top 25 Funniest Mom Bloggers contest, and I landed 2nd place. I think that #2 is perfect because I LOVE going number two. Anybody can go number one. Most people do it multiple times a day. Number two is harder to accomplish. Number one doesn’t give you a spring in your step or make you look skinny. Nope. Number two is the place for me. 

-I was asked to submit a story for an anthology book, and it was accepted. It is a book of stories by some really funny mom bloggers, and I am honored to be included. It is expected to be published in March. I will pimp the heck out of it on here as soon as it goes on sale, and I will also give away a couple of copies. Stay tuned!

-My friend’s house burned down last week. We have been friends since we were 11-years-old. She and her children lost everything, but thankfully were not home at the time. I told her story to my Facebook readers (and also confessed to drinking too much soda when I spent the night in 6th grade, peeing on their couch, and blaming it on the dog), and in just a few days we raised $4106.65 because my Facebook peeps are AMAZING! I’d like to give a special shout-out to my long-time reader, Bobby Gaskin, for donated a whopping $750.00. You, and everyone else, whether they donated, sent well-wishes,  prayers, or whatever, rock SUPER HARD and I am proud to have you all in my orbit.

– My friend over at a blog and Facebook page called Slice of Humble (Humble Writes Words), sent me a special gift. It was a Walking Dead t-shirt with my man Daryl on it. She bought herself one too, so we made this photo collage:

A few popular Facebook Statuses:

As I was sitting at my desk last night, doing a little writing, AKA sitting in front of my computer, staring out the window and thinking about how happy I would be if I had a baby fainting goat, I noticed something: The Cat was on the desk, trying to get all up in my biz, and she would sit down, move a little, sit down, move a little, etc… and I realized that the girl does this little dance all day long, which is in and of itself, not a big deal. But when you think about the fact that cats have up-tails and every time they sit down their little b-hole is basically marking that spot with a (hopefully invisible) butt stamp, things start to get gross real quick. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop myself from over-thinking this whole situation and using my mad mad mathy skillz to calculate that in the 2 1/2 years she has lived here, she has probably butt stamped at least 50% of the surfaces in our house. Then I started thinking about nudist colonies. Holy hell, you guys. Holy hell. Everything in those places needs to be burned. Butt Stamps: Until the post office starts accepting them as postage, they’re not okay

I just thought I should let you all know that I not only have a butler, a driver, and a sock matcher-upper, but I also have a toast butterer. I only eat toast once or twice a month, tops, but he has to stand by the toaster at all times just in case I get in the mood and start felling all toasty-ish. I also make him wear a lion costume because it makes me feel brave to take toast from a lion.

I never get to have the TV remote. If The Hub is home, he has it. If The Boy is home, he has it. Lately I’ve noticed that when they are watching TV, they always have at least one hand it their pants. Why men do this, I don’t know. But they do it. THEN they use that same hand to change channels with the remote. After observing this last night, I realized that the remote is basically ruined. I’m not super Sciencey or anything, but I’m pretty sure that there can come a point when something can get so submerged in the germs of something else, that it can technically BECOME that something else. Therefore I deduce that at this point the remote is basically just a wanger that magically changes channels, and I foresee a future where evolution just cuts out the middle man and makes men’s wangers have channel changing capabilities. If I worked at Evolution Headquarters, this is how I’d roll.
I have had people ask me why I say some of the phrases that I say. When I was little I would, like most kids, get sayings and song lyrics mixed up. Here are a few of my favorites that I have always used:

-I thought the alphabet song went “H, I, J, K, Elemental P” because my  name started with “P” and therefore was the most important letter.

-I thought that the”I’ve Been Workin’ on the Railroad” song said “All the ding dong day.” I thought that ding dong was an expletive cuz my mom used to call my sister and I ding dongs a lot. So I often say things like “I ran errands all the ding dong day.”

-I thought the saying “You scared the beeJesus out of me” was “You scared the BeeGee’s out of me.” Those BeeGee’s were everywhere in the 70’s and you either loved them or hated them. So I figured if you got scared badly enough, it might scare your love of them right outta your body. This would be something that the BeeGee’s haters would do.

Last night I dreamed that my doctor told me that I had “Purse Cancer.” I kept asking what the hell is Purse Cancer? But he just ignored my question and looked at me really sadly. I assumed it was vagina cancer cuz vaginas are the most purse-like part of the body that I could think of. Things get put in there. Sometimes questionable things. I imagine that some peoples vaginas are like old, overstuffed, purses. So then I went on a fundraising speaking tour to tell people about the dangers of Purse Cancer. Then, about halfway through my tour, I started to grow purses on my body. The first one was a Birkin on my side and I was actually like “Wow! This is pretty cool! A Built in purse! AND it’s free! This is way better than vagina cancer!” Then I grew a corduroy fanny pack and I freaked out and the doctor said it couldn’t be removed or I’d die. Then some other stuff happened that I can’t remember much of, then The Cat woke me up cuz she is a turd.

So I just saw my sister post a FB status that thanked our mom for sending her chocolates. Dudes…her mom is the same mom as my mom, and unless my mailman ate mine, I did not get any chocolates. And my mom wonders why I never call her.

I had what I thought was a stray hair stuck to my face, which upon further inspection was discovered to be a hair growing OUT of my face. Just a lonely, blonde, 2 inch hair that outta nowhere started growing out of the middle of my cheek, for no other reason than to say “Hey, Patti! You are officially turning into a Sasquatch. Good luck with that!”

Another regular thing that I do on my Facebook page, is to tell little mini stories about animals. I sometimes see pictures of cute animals and immediately a name and story pops into my head. Seriously, it’s like I am possessed by that animal and suddenly I am typing out a story. I don’t even realize what I’ve written until I read it. After telling these stories for many months, people started sending me photos of animals and asking me to make up stories about them. Here are two from this week:

Greetings and salutations, my good people. My name is Harry Higgenbotham III. Miss Mom-Brain found me whilst perusing something called Googly Images. I am not quite sure what that is, as I abhor all modern technology. The only reason I am posting a salutation on this, the magical electronic book of the face, is because Miss Brain promised me a hefty amount of cheese if I did. She also threatened to keep my family in a shoebox in her closet and train them to perform the stage version of something called “Grease” if I refused to comply with her wishes. I am just a wee bit frightened. And now she is laughing because I used the word “wee.” I dare say I fear for my safety. Please send help.
Hi ya’ll! My name is Darla Doggenport! My favorite color is red and my favorite shape is hearts and my favorite pattern is a horizontal stripe. I know, I know. My momma always says “Darla Dogenport! You know horizontal stripes are the stripe of The Devil and will make your hips look as wide as the Crazy Catmanson’s trailer home!” But I don’t care! I’m old enough to make my own decisions, and I love stripes almost as much as I love One Direction! Oh my wow…I just said I love One Direction and just before that I was totally talking about how much I love stripes that go ONE particular DIRECTION! Oh good heavens, sometimes I just crack myself up! My momma says I shouldn’t laugh at my own jokes because laughing at yourself is the laughter of the devil, but I just can’t help myself. I’m just clever, ya’ll! I bet Harry Styles would think I’m clever too! And I bet he likes clever girls. And his name is Harry and I’m hairy. Some things are just meant to be. My momma says that’s called fate and that there ain’t no such thing as fate, and talkin’ about fate is for the devil. Sometimes my momma gets carried away with all that devil stuff. Don’t tell her I said that, okay? That woman will whip me good, and probably make me eat dry food for a week. Ya know who eats dry food? The Crazy Catmanson’s. And everyone knows the Crazy Catmanson’s are crazy. Heck, it says so right there in their name. Friend me on Facebook, okay? I’m tryin’ to get more friends that that Missy Mufferstein. Her favorite color is pink and her favorite shape is a star and her favorite pattern is polka dots. My momma says polka dots are for whores. And ya know what? I think she’s right. Because I heard that Missy Mufferstein got caught licking her life size poster of Harry Styles. That bitch be crazy, ya’ll. Don’t tell my momma I said bitch. Pinky swear? Guess what? I don’t even have a pinky! Sometimes I’m just all like “What did I just say?” I’m just silly, ya’ll. I love you guys! BEST FRIENDS FOREVER! 
(This photo was sent to me by a reader named Erin Browne.)

That’s it for this week! Hope you feel all caught up. Personally, I feel like I have a bad case of Deja-vu and an ice cream headache. 

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7 Responses to “Facebook Friday – AKA Amazing crap you may have missed.”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    I LOVE YOU,YOU ATTRACTIVELY CRAZY BROAD. IT’S RARE WHEN a sophisticated guy can run across an attractive woman with a sick mind. You fit the bill. I could live the glamorous life of a love bug with you if you weren’t already ‘attached’. -LOL- :0

  2. Clarence Bonner Said:

    Patti, I enjoy your blog and FB posts for so many reasons. They make me think, and despite the pain that causes, it’s good for me.
    And you make me laugh, and in spite of the soiled unmentionables from laughing, I need that, too.

  3. Bethanne Murray Said:

    Avid reader of both! And being as how I’m just starting out and trying desperately to build an audience, I’m really getting pissed when I see I have 60 likes but only 3 people saw my post. That needs to stop.

  4. SoberTina Said:

    Thanks for the recap!

  5. sassypackrat Said:

    I’m so glad I found you! I love your FB posts, they are small bits of happy and giggles. Now I have to bookmark your blog for more enjoyment!

  6. The Dose of Reality Said:

    That is just AWESOME about the money you raised for your friend…I am SO SORRY for the circumstances that brought it about, though. I cannot even imagine. 🙁 Loving your FB statuses! 🙂

  7. Irish Dougherty Said:

    I just discovered you and I think I’m in love!! You are hysterical and this stay at home mom needs all the laughs she can get! Heading over to the book of faves to ‘like’ your page!!

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