Don’t get too excited, people. This isn’t a post post. It’s just an “I am way late posting the winner of the xmas decoration molestation contest due to the fact that I’ve been busy being lazy, healing my damn foot (more on that later), trying to focus on book writin’, having Skype interviews with casting agency people (later), tracking down creepy internet copy cats (yes, “s”), stuffing my face with food that’s way too totally and ridiculously fattening for someone who isn’t allowed to work out until her foot heals, and just plain old being awesome, post. In other words, you are all pretty much getting cheated with this blog. It’s time you will never get back. Now, the winners, on the other hand, they aren’t getting cheated. They are getting to be a WINNERS!
Let me preface this whole winner announcement by saying a little something about American Idol. Now you’re probably asking yourself, Self? WTF does Patti’s announcement of the #1 Holiday Decoration Humper possibly have to do with American Idol? Well, I’m about to tell you, so calm the frick down! Holy balls, people! Impatient much?
Sometimes I watch American Idol. Most of the time I don’t. But when I do, I watch it on DVR so that I can skip through all the crappy commercials, the narcissistic coaching segments, and most of all, the sad back stories. I want to see the singing and not be at all influenced by the story of the person with the noise coming out of their pie hole. I want to judge them strictly on their pie hole sounds alone.
Okayyyyy…. so what the heck does this possibly have to do with the molesting of holiday decor?
Dudes…keep your pants on. I’m about to tell you. Sheesh.
I got approximately 30 entries for this contest. I don’t think that I am exaggerating at all when I tell you that approximately 8 million of them let the yard decor buttsecks THEM! Now, if being a submissive in the world of the pretend buttsecking of goofy inanimate objects is your thing, that’s fine. But my thing giving it to them good. But still, those photos were pretty darn funny. And then there were the approximate 70 gajillion people that sent me photos of them doing things that were, well, HILARIOUS, yet perhaps just a teensy bit too pornographic for me to post on this blog. AWESOME, yet not particularly appropriate. So basically, to sum it all up, I was left with about 5 photos that I was deciding between. And after I went through those 5, I had 2 favorite ones. That is where American Idol comes in.
My favorite one, and my #1 pick is this one:
This is Jeremy Gonzalez. Jeremy is surprise buttsecksing The Grinch, while he is deep in the tree. Yes, he’s giving it to him deep while he’s in deep. (I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.)
The reason that this photo made me so darn happy is because not only is Jeremy participating in my favorite pastime, but he’s doing it in the hospital where he is being treated for Osteosarcoma, which is a rare bone cancer. Some people in his situation would be feeling sorry for themselves, or be depressed, and that’s ok, that’s their right and it’s totally understandable. But seeing Jeremy be all smiley and running around the hospital buttsecksing things made ME smile. So yeah, I know his backstory. And yeah, it influenced me just a tiny bit. But come on. This kid rocks pretty freaking hard. Okay? In my book, he is the very defintion of the word WINNER!!!!
And although I didn’t plan on it, I also have a runner up. I chose this girl cuz she is one of the very few people who actually did their buttsecksing in a public place, where people are milling about. I mean, it WAS Wal-Mart, which means that nobody would have batted an eye, but that’s neither here nor there. Public is public.
This is Miranda Christmas. Yes. Miranda CHRISTMAS. How perfect is THAT? Happy Winner #2 Miranda! And don’t be sad about being #2. You know how much I love a good numero dos.
So there ya have it. Jeremy and Miranda get some fantastically dorky t-shirts from my store, custom made for them. That’s sooooo much better than cash! Ok. Maybe it’s not anywhere near as awesome as cash. But it’s still awesome. Ok. Maybe it’s not awesome,
but it’s free. Ok? So stop your bitching.
***Winners, please contact me ASAP at firstname.lastname@example.org***