December 10, 2012

The Insane Holiday Spiral. It’s the reason that so many people try to keep a nice buzz going all winter.

This is the time of year that I go swirling deep into what I like to call The Insane Holiday Spiral. ‘Tis a time of year when whoever the heck it was who decided that these were all holidays anyways, also decided that it would be awesome if the big ones occured back to back. And I’ll tell you one thing: I can pretty much guarantee you that the people that caused this craptastrophe were dudes. 

Here’s why:


Halloween? According to the church school I was unwillingly forced to attend as a child, that holiday is all about The Devil. And guess what? He wants you to dress up like a whore. And guess what else? The Devil’s a dude. 

Then before you can even come down off the satanic sugar high from all that hell candy, here comes Thanksgiving. Now, I don’t claim to know a whole lot about Thanksgiving, and we can blame my Christian school for that. Alls I really learned there is that God invented turkey’s so that we could brutally murder them cuz they are delicious. Of course there were also ships and Pilgrims and Indians. And although the Indians were made out by old cowboy movies to look like jerks, I’m pretty much on their side because those white guys were a-holes. Plus, Indian outfits were way cooler than the Pilgrims, all day, errday. But in all those Thanksgivingy pictures in books and crap, who’s the main focus? The dudes. The pilgrim chicks are always in the background setting the table or holding some food or something. 

Then, before you even begin to climb out of your triptophan turkey coma, boom! It’s Christmas. And that’s all about dudes too. Even though Mary, a virginal young girl who popped out a baby in a pile of hay, did all the work, she really got the shaft on all this Christmas carol stuff. I think it’s a travesty that Mary doesn’t have a really rockin’ Christmas song. Even the background players got Christmas songs written about them. The 3 Wisemen got one. Heck, even the little drummer boy got one. I don’t doubt that one of those cows in the manger even got a song and I just haven’t heard it yet. So where is Mary’s song about going about her business and getting magically knocked up and dealing with it like a champ? Where is her “THIS GIRL KICKS ASS” song? 

When I was in church/school, I was usually drawing pictures of unicorns and writing awesome poetry about Ricky Schroder instead of listening, so I can’t claim to know ALL of the religious details of the holiday. And I do admit to totally falling from grace in my Christian school when I decided to listen to Madonna and watch The Facts of Life, and never looking back. So there might possibly BE a Merry Christmas Mary song, but if there is, it must suck, cuz I haven’t heard it. But I DO know that “Merry Mary Christmas” would kick ass waaaayyyyy better than that pa rum pum pum pum situation. Even Bowie couldn’t make that jam. Let’s face it: The kid in the song played a drum, and we all know that with the exception of that little long haired Mmm Boppy Hanson brother, when kids play drums it sounds like ass. And as far as the Wiseman are concerned, they walked through some fields and moors to bring some really non-newborn appropriate gifts to Baby Jesus, and even THEY got a song. A boring ass song about walking a long ways. The only thing worse than walking a long ways, is listening to a song about someone else walking a long ways. If they wanted it to be catchy they shoulda done it more like that whole “I Would Walk 500 Miles” song. That song rocked. Plus, if they were that wise they woulda ridden horses or hopped on a wagon or something. That’s what 3 Wise Women woulda done. And they would have brought gifts like blankets and booties and diapers instead of whatever the frick myrr is.

Christmas, fail.

And finally, after everyone’s broke from gift giving, and exhausted from talking behind everyone’s back about the crappy/cheap gift they got from so and so, comes New Years. A time to get loaded, do stupid things, then tell everyone that you’re gonna do something amazing this year, and never follow through. And, as I assume you all know from that awesome 70’s cartoon “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year,” Baby New Year is a boy. Surprise, surprise.


And yet with all of this sexist holiday information, WHO does most of the baking, decorating, organizing, card sending, planning, etc….on these holidays? The women. 

Falalalalala-sporktotheballs.

But before I got sidetracked explaining all of the holidays that you already knew about, I was telling you that I go into The Insane Holiday Spiral, which means that I start to get even more forgetful and ADHD than usual. I know. It seems impossible. But it’s true. For one thing, I have severe sensory overload. The lights! The smells! The sounds! The glittery, colorful crap everywhere! I am super duper distracted. And when I have a lot to get done, like I do during  xmas, I start doing one thing, then something in that one thing reminds me of another thing. So I pause that one thing and run off to do that other thing before I forget what it was. Then THAT other thing reminds me of the next thing, so I run off to do THAT thing. Then I repeat that whole scenario, like, a thousand times. What ends up happening is that nothing gets all the way done. There is, however, a bunch of crap that is partially done and left to rot, because this girl does not look back. The good news is that if ever I were to disappear over the holidays, be it running away or being kidnapped by one of the psycho trolls who have found me via the internet, any CSI team worth their salt would be able to track down my whereabouts in no time, by simply following the trail of half done tasks that I have left in my wake. 

Point is:  It’s a really difficult time. Which is why I stock up on wine.

One of the 1,374,289  things on my “To Do” list this week was to sell our old Xmas tree. Here is the ad I wrote for neighborhood website:

Magic Tree For Sale

I’m not sure how tall it is. Maybe 7 1/2 feet? Maybe 7? It’s taller than me but shorter than a giant. It’s also fatter than me, yet thinner than Jabba the Hut. It’s about 6 years old. It’s pre-lit but some of the lights are out, which means it will take patience to fix which is why we are getting rid of it because at my house we don’t have that trait. The Hub wants $50 for it but I say best offer. Even if that’s a case of Modelo and a dry hump. It’s sitting up in our garage so you can come take a look if you want to. It looks ugly as ass cuz it’s undecorated and I didn’t primp it, but you’ll get the picture. Cover it with a bunch of crappy ornaments that your kids made, and it will look amazing. Or it will look like an ugly ass tree with crappy stuff your kids made strung all over it. Either way, it’s a win/win. And by win/win, I mean sooo totally not a win. At all Just come and take my damn tree, please. And P.S. I’m pretty sure it’s magic, cuz one night last year after I had too much eggnog, it spoke to me. It told me I was crazy, then it sang Have a Holly Jolly Christmas to me, in Chinese. A few nights later, as I was innocently strolling past it, it kicked me and threw an ornament at me. The next day I put 2 and 2 together and realized that I’m pretty sure this tree is possessed by Bruce Lee. If your husband is a Bruce Lee fan he would love this tree, and you can give it to him as a gift. He might not even care that he has to fix the lights because he’ll be so excited to have a genuine Bruce Lee Possessed Tree in his living room to show off to his friends on man night. Boom! I’ve already done your Xmas shopping for you. You’re welcome.


And guess what? I totally sold it. Just like a few months ago I sold my Treadmill Time Machine.

Once again, I have no idea why I have yet to be snapped up by an advertising agency. 

And last and totally least, my Zombie Babies want to wish you an early Merry Christmas. They are so festive. They really keep me perky through all these holidays. I highly recommend that you all open your hearts and adopt some next year. No family is complete without a couple of scary babies that sit in your living room year round and freak the crap out of visitors. 


****The winner of the contest to win the prints from Leroy’s Place was picked using a random number generator at random.org. The winner is the following reader:

AnonymousDecember 6, 2012 10:47 AM

Love Serene’s stuff and she’s sweet to boot!
Kristy
Please get back to me ASAP via email at pattibrain@gmail.com so I can send you your prints! YAY! 

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6 Responses to “The Insane Holiday Spiral. It’s the reason that so many people try to keep a nice buzz going all winter.”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    I would have totally bought the possessed tree!

  2. Christina Oshier Said:

    I just laughed so hard while reading this my coworker asked me if I was okay or if I needed to sit down. I’m not going to lie, I sat. I never pass up sitting.

  3. Tara Roberts Said:

    “Falalalalala-sporktotheballs.”
    Fantastic!! You crack me up…seriously, you’re funny and you should be famous!

  4. Anonymous Said:

    I was thinking of having myself committed to a looney bin because I need a vacation from my life… and then I found you and I giggle every day and it’s just enough so I can not have a psychotic break and go to work instead.

    Balls.

    Maeapple 🙂

  5. Breaking Mom: Part 1K! Said:

    Just great!

  6. keli Said:

    Lol pure awesomeness

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