December 10, 2012
The Insane Holiday Spiral. It’s the reason that so many people try to keep a nice buzz going all winter.
This is the time of year that I go swirling deep into what I like to call The Insane Holiday Spiral. ‘Tis a time of year when whoever the heck it was who decided that these were all holidays anyways, also decided that it would be awesome if the big ones occured back to back. And I’ll tell you one thing: I can pretty much guarantee you that the people that caused this craptastrophe were dudes.
Then before you can even come down off the satanic sugar high from all that hell candy, here comes Thanksgiving. Now, I don’t claim to know a whole lot about Thanksgiving, and we can blame my Christian school for that. Alls I really learned there is that God invented turkey’s so that we could brutally murder them cuz they are delicious. Of course there were also ships and Pilgrims and Indians. And although the Indians were made out by old cowboy movies to look like jerks, I’m pretty much on their side because those white guys were a-holes. Plus, Indian outfits were way cooler than the Pilgrims, all day, errday. But in all those Thanksgivingy pictures in books and crap, who’s the main focus? The dudes. The pilgrim chicks are always in the background setting the table or holding some food or something.
When I was in church/school, I was usually drawing pictures of unicorns and writing awesome poetry about Ricky Schroder instead of listening, so I can’t claim to know ALL of the religious details of the holiday. And I do admit to totally falling from grace in my Christian school when I decided to listen to Madonna and watch The Facts of Life, and never looking back. So there might possibly BE a Merry Christmas Mary song, but if there is, it must suck, cuz I haven’t heard it. But I DO know that “Merry Mary Christmas” would kick ass waaaayyyyy better than that pa rum pum pum pum situation. Even Bowie couldn’t make that jam. Let’s face it: The kid in the song played a drum, and we all know that with the exception of that little long haired Mmm Boppy Hanson brother, when kids play drums it sounds like ass. And as far as the Wiseman are concerned, they walked through some fields and moors to bring some really non-newborn appropriate gifts to Baby Jesus, and even THEY got a song. A boring ass song about walking a long ways. The only thing worse than walking a long ways, is listening to a song about someone else walking a long ways. If they wanted it to be catchy they shoulda done it more like that whole “I Would Walk 500 Miles” song. That song rocked. Plus, if they were that wise they woulda ridden horses or hopped on a wagon or something. That’s what 3 Wise Women woulda done. And they would have brought gifts like blankets and booties and diapers instead of whatever the frick myrr is.
And finally, after everyone’s broke from gift giving, and exhausted from talking behind everyone’s back about the crappy/cheap gift they got from so and so, comes New Years. A time to get loaded, do stupid things, then tell everyone that you’re gonna do something amazing this year, and never follow through. And, as I assume you all know from that awesome 70’s cartoon “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year,” Baby New Year is a boy. Surprise, surprise.
Point is: It’s a really difficult time. Which is why I stock up on wine.
One of the 1,374,289 things on my “To Do” list this week was to sell our old Xmas tree. Here is the ad I wrote for neighborhood website:
Magic Tree For Sale
And guess what? I totally sold it. Just like a few months ago I sold my Treadmill Time Machine.
And last and totally least, my Zombie Babies want to wish you an early Merry Christmas. They are so festive. They really keep me perky through all these holidays. I highly recommend that you all open your hearts and adopt some next year. No family is complete without a couple of scary babies that sit in your living room year round and freak the crap out of visitors.
AnonymousDecember 6, 2012 10:47 AM
6 Responses to “The Insane Holiday Spiral. It’s the reason that so many people try to keep a nice buzz going all winter.”
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