December 2, 2012

Dear Universe, Stop Taunting Me: A Story About Poop


This post is in no way appropriate. But since when am I appropriate? On a mature day, I have the mind of a 13-year-old boy who got held back a few grades and has irresponsible parents.

If you can’t handle talk about poops, or the lack thereof, then I suggest you stop reading now. But if you CAN’T handle talk about poops, then honestly, I have no idea WTF you’re doing here. Because it’s kinda something I talk about. A lot. There’s a reason that “Everyone Poops” book became such a huge seller, and that reason is, duh, everyone poops. It’s right there in the title, you guys. Holy balls.

As my avid readers know, I have a thing about poop. That thing is that if I don’t have a morning one, it can and will, throw off my entire day. I learned from my dad to call this special morning time “My Morning Constitutional,” which seems totally appropriate considering that one of the definitions of “constitutional” is “beneficial to ones general physical well-being,” and a good poop is nothing if not beneficial to my well-being. It keeps my clothes fitting well, it keeps me healthy, and it keeps me from sporking idiots in the nutsacks. So actually, my morning constitutional is beneficial to not only me, but to everyone around me, too.

So last weekend we went with some friends to the Texas Renaissance Festival. I love the RenFest for two reasons:

1) It’s a total freak show
2) They have food on sticks

So the day we went to the RenFest, I did not have my morning constitutional. It was just literally, a no go. I could barely move. My pants wouldn’t button right, and I felt all discombobulated and frumpy and slow. I even broke one of my cardinal poop rules and tried in vain to make a deposit at a McDonald’s along the way, but some woman beat me to it. Nothing ruins your shot at a good poop like someone else stinking up the joint so you can’t stay in there long enough to give it a go.

Basically, by the time we got to RenFest I wasn’t feeling the traditional Patti Perk.

And ya know how when you’ve just had a bad break-up or something, every song that comes on the radio is about a break-up and you feel like The Universe is taunting you and your pain? That’s how I felt at the RenFest. Every sign I saw made me curse my inability to perform on the potty.

The photo on the left is of me (duh) in front of a Hot Tamale stand, and the red circle is around a sign that is advertising Fudge Puppies. The photo on the right is of me (duh, again) in front of a pewter stand (pooter is a fart, you guys).

This is a photo of me in front of Ye Village Flutemaker. Oh, how I envied that flutemaker.

This is a photo of me in front of King of the Log. Need I really say more?

THEN the tide turned. The clouds parted and the Heavens shined down on me:

I think these two speak for themselves.

(A big shout-out to my friend Jenny R. for taking these photos and laughing with me at all of the signs, and not cringing when I constantly talk about poop.)

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Email

18 Responses to “Dear Universe, Stop Taunting Me: A Story About Poop”

  1. Brandi Said:

    OMG!!! I needed that laugh! <3

  2. Katy Brown, Your Corner of the World Said:

    I love the pained “poopless” expressions!Oh–and gripping the lower back, ‘cuz we all know that’s where the poo is stored when it can’t find its way toward the light…

  3. christa Said:

    the last two days i have not had a good poop. it ruined my weekend hard core. i literally feel your pain.

  4. Anonymous Said:


  5. Anonymous Said:

    So sorry you injured your wrist in the process.

  6. Anonymous Said:

    Like you, I HAVE to poop everymorning. Yeswterday morning, I didn’t poop. By the afternoon, my stomach hurt so bad, it was unbelievable. Needless to say, I finally pooped. My day was complete

  7. Anonymous Said:

    Hydrate, everyone, hydrate! Lots of water or hot coffee in the early morning is just the ticket. Glad to know I’m not the only one fixated on the morning constitution.

  8. Anonymous Said:

    Morning poops make me want to skip and sing! I talk about poop and/or boobs every day. Im sooo happy to know i’m not alone!

  9. Rebecca Said:

    Oh I KNOW that feeling! I am a crab,an uncomfortable crab when I can’t go! I tried coffee, water, greasy foods, EVERYTHING that normally makes me go…..nada…..I was so mad at the world! (until!!!!) And man….I have NEVER been so happy to poop in public before! Phew! I had to sneak into a “family bathroom” to get any privacy….I know that’s bad…..but sometimes you just have to break the rules when poop is concerned.

  10. Contessa Said:

    This is friggin hilarious! But in all seriousness if u needed to make ye ole turd AT the RenFest they have some of the cleanest bathrooms. Yes they are made entirely out of concrete and wood but each stall has a PVC rod with like 5 rolls of tp! It’s tha bomb! (no pun intended)

  11. Jo Jo Said:

    I so needed that chuckle this morning! Gotta love Mondays!
    Thank you

  12. Monica Ingle Said:

    I’m going to let you all in on a little secret that will help you when you can’t go. Put 1 shot of prune juice and 1 pat of butter in a coffee cup, nuke it till warm, drink it and you will go! Trust me, old timers swear by it. It seriously works. Tastes like crap. But works!

  13. MomwoW Said:

    What’s a fart? A turd honking for the right-of-way.

  14. PR Leary Said:

    OMG!! I laughed so hard, I almost hist my pants!! (pun totally intended!^_^)

  15. sdrockrgirl Said:

    I love this!!! Every good day begins with a good poop!!

  16. haven jones Said:

    It’s funny that you mentioned the saying “Everyone Poops” in your blog because I have been working on a book for the last few years with my 5 year old daughter called “Everyone Poops”. What we do is take photos of differnt poops we come across from different animals/people and write a commentary to go with it. Our faorite one is a pic of my daughters poop on the side of the highway during a long drive. It was magnificant. It was the perfect shade of brown and in the shape of a perfect spiral.
    I really think you should do a photo gallery on your blog of some of your most spectacular poops. Just a thought.

  17. Anonymous Said:

    I take meds for pain so I totally get you on this. when I can’t “Go” it makes my back pain worse and I get testie. So when I get the courage to try again I end up bearing down like a woman in labor for what seems like decades lol

  18. Anonymous Said:

    It’s important to “exercise” that stank demon. Nothing like a good workout to move things along. Oh, and as a traveling salesperson always driving it’s important to identify a good clean spot. I like hotel lobby bathrooms. Walk with confidence as if you stayed there the previous night. If you’re really on point you might be able to score a continental breakfast and set yourself up for a healthy afternoon poo!!

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated, if it doesn't show immediately, please wait. Thank you!

Don't have a Gravatar? (the small photo that shows up when you make a comment). Get one here, it's FREE: Sign up for a free Gravatar


Content security powered by Jaspreet Chahal