December 31, 2012

A Tale of Two Birthdays: Death, Kidnapping, and Sugar Balls.

December is The Month of Patti.

In other words, it’s the month that I was born.

I was born in a hospital, not a manger, but it was a pretty small, country-ish town and I totally wouldn’t doubt it if someone within a 1-mile radius of that hospital had some goat or mule in their family DNA somewhere.

And I’m sure that my mom would claim that she was a virgin at the time, if she thought that she could get away with it.

I will now pause while you all applaud the glory of my birth. Actually, you should applaud the fact that I have lived to see this many birthdays, what with the triple death wish of sass, klutziness, and freakish medical oopsies that I’ve got going on.

Yes, my mother’s uterus decided to give me the gift of being a December baby. If you know anything at all about December babies, it’s that when it’s our birthday time, we often get screwed.

December is so freaking busy with the holidays and everything, that the last thing anyone has time for is worrying about anyones birthday. If people can climb out of their Christmas spirals long enough to remember that it’s even your birthday at all, they will either give you no gift because they’re out of money due to all of the Christmas presents they had to buy, or they will try to give you a twofer. Ya know, the old “Happy Birthday and Merry Chrsitmas! Here’s your gift!” Yes. GifT. Singular. I have decided that if someone says that to a December birthday baby it should be socially acceptable to give them a swift kick to the ovarnads.

Birthday parties are total suckage in December. Nobody can come. Nope. That little Baby Jesus done stole your entire guest list. There are Christmas parties galore and ain’t nobody dumping the Baby Jesus for your stupid birthday shindig. Only one person holds all the one-way tickets to Heaven and it sure as heck isn’t you. That baby gets TOP priority and the whole darn month is his. Sure, you can totally kick little Sally Johnson’s lame-o December birthday party’s ass because you’re way more fun and your mom makes Rotel Dip and little party pizzas. You will have absolutely zero problem poaching her guest list. But If you try to poach the holy baby’s list, hellfire and damnation will be yours.

Ok. That may be a little dramatic, but I think you get the gist.

I don’t really remember too many of my birthday parties  but I do know that they occurred because there is photographic proof and my parents can barely turn on a computer, let alone construct photoshopped “evidence” of parties that never happened. But those parties weren’t a huge deal or anything. They were tiny little gatherings for some quick cake and ice cream on your way to whatever more important Christmas thing you had planned.

The first party that I actually remember was my first slumber party. That was a big deal for me. I was turning 11 and my mom had finally given in and let me have a pretty decent sized sleepover. I guess we had sent out the invitations pretty early, because the turn out was surprisingly good. I was sooooo excited. My mom had baked a ton of goodies and we were all going to sleep on the living room floor and pig out and talk about important things all night such as the pros and cons of marrying Ricky Stratton vs. Derek Taylor.

I. Was. Pumped.

Not only was I finally getting some of the birthday attention that I so rightly deserved yet had been denied for so long, but I was getting it for a period of approximately 12-15 hours. For 12-15 hours I would be Birthday Queen. This was gonna be some good stuff. Plus, everyone would be talking about it at school on Monday, so it would be like my birthday was going on for days and days. I was gonna milk this for all it was worth and ride this birthday wave as long as possible. This would finally be my time in the sun and ain’t no baby in a manger gonna steal my spotlight. Not this time. Not with MY slumber party going down up in here.

Then about an hour into what was surely going to go down in history as the best slumber birthday party in the history of ever, someone came to the door to tell us that our neighbor, who was the grandmother of one of my guests, had just died. Not only had she died, but she had died in a horrible accident that was described in great detail to the room full of slumber party girls. There were tears. There were neighbors coming and going. The whole block was mayhem.

Nothing ruins an amazing birthday party like a dead person. I mean seriously. I can’t think of anything. Nothing at all. Except maybe two dead persons.

I did have other slumber parties after that, but only a few. From that day on there was totally a cloud of “Remember when that lady died during your party?” hanging over any possible future festivities. And to be honest, I think I was always on high alert and waiting for something bad to go down, because once your party is upstaged by a death, it’s kinda hard to let that go. It’s like, “Welcome to my party. I hope nobody dies this year. Good luck on making it through the night.”

After than whole unfortunate situation, I pretty much gave up the perfect party dream.

Until this year

Most of my Facebook readers know that I have a thing for Justin Bieber. And by “thing” I mean that I have a sort of ironic, fake, and totally fun-filled love for him. Seriously, that boy is just really fun to pretend to love. Thursday morning I had heard about the thwarted JB kidnapping plot that someone had been busted for, and I made the following post on my FB page:

I would like to state for the record, that I had absolutely nothing to do with the plot to kindap Justin Bieber. If I HAD had something to do with it, then this morning instead of hearing about a really poorly planned and easily thwarted kidnapping plot, you would have awakened to the sound of millions of little girls doing that loud, dramatic, wailing, hyperventilating cry, cuz if I was heading that operation, The Biebs would be gone, baby, gone. But let’s face it, his whereabouts would only be a mystery until maybe lunchtime cuz I would totally be bragging about it and posting photos of him with my Zombie Babies and maybe a few of him vacuuming or washing dishes. I am nothing if not (a) A kidnapping expert, (b) Really bad at keeping secrets, and (c) In need of some free housekeeping services.

So one of my friends told me that she was having a birthday lunch for me. I was meeting them at a restaurant, and this is what I looked like when I walked in:

And I looked like that because I saw this:

Turns out, he HAD been kidnapped. But I still maintain that I had nothing to do with it. He was a gift to me, and I’m not super up to date on kidnapping laws, but I’m about 0% sure that if someone kidnaps someone and gives them to you as a gift, it’s totally allowed. I mean, the actual kidnappers sure as heck broke the crap outta some laws, but the person they gave the victim TO did nothing wrong. Plus, it’s rude to turn down a gift, you guys. I don’t care if that gift is a blindfolded kidnap victim. That’s just super bad manners.

Since I’m not a rude gift receiver, I adored my gift:

And we shared a soda of love:
And a tender moment:
And a birthday dessert (I know it looks like mashed potatoes, cheese wedges, and meatballs, but it’s mousse, sorbet and sugar balls. Sugar Balls is JB’s new nickname, BTW):
And he got to go home with me (that paparazzi is a bitch):
And then I made him do housework, like I said I would:

Then he got to chill and hang out with his new brothers, The Zombie babies:

So I wanna thank these awesomely weird people:

Becky, Simi, Jenny, Stephanie, and Flat Biebs, for giving me the 11-year-old girl’s birthday party that I never had. I loved it long time. And thank you for all staying alive so that I could be in the spotlight.

P.S. Special Thank You to Bombay Palace of Sugar Land, TX, and our super sweet (and totally game) server Narayan, for feeding us some amazing food, putting up with our shenanigans, taking photos for us, making me a special Bieberiffic dessert, and just generally being awesome. xoxo


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16 Responses to “A Tale of Two Birthdays: Death, Kidnapping, and Sugar Balls.”

  1. Just Keepin It Real, Folks! Said:

    I hope you have a fantabulous birthday!!! I’m also a December baby and I think it should be illegal for anyone to have unprotected sex in March. The combo present sucks!!!

  2. My Daily Jenn-ism Said:

    Lol…. Happy Birthday! I’m glad you & sugar balls had a great day 🙂

  3. carrie baxter Said:

    What a great group of friends. I might have stolen the Bieber from you. And then you would have sporked me, and it would have been hilarious. I too suffered from horrible childhood birthdays so I appreciate a good one now.

  4. Anonymous Said:

    Hy-sterical! Love it – way to go friends.

  5. Lisa Dolan Said:

    Hope you had a great birthday!!! I agree December babies get a raw deal…I’m so glad my parents did it in November!!

  6. rlaneew Said:

    Sounds like you have a fab birthday! My daughter has a December birthday (sorry about the unprotected March sex there!) Hers is the 22nd…she hates it! But I just want to point out…she was SUPPOSE to come out on the 15th….its not my fault the boob wanted to hang out in there longer…..


    BEST 11th B~DAY EVA!

  8. Melissa Said:

    While I don’t have a December birthday mine is in March, I too had a tragic 11th birthday slumber party were we woke up to being told my two year old cousin was killed by a drunk driver. It ruined the rest of my birthdays forever. But Happy Birthday! Glad you had a great day!

  9. SueT Said:

    My birthday is also in December. It has always sucked. Thanks for making me laugh 😉

  10. Anonymous Said:

    It’s not just December birthdays that suck major hairy monkey balls….a birthday on that first week of Jan is right after new years is right up there too. inparticular mine – the 2nd of Jan. Not far enough away from New years for people to have recovered, everyone is away on holidays, broke or partied out. I also get the combo gift, sucks getting it on xmas day cos its then 8 days till ur bday so xmas is long over by then & u just feel plain forgotten about & majorly ripped off. So I feel ur pain!!! Thanks for laughs 🙂

  11. Anonymous Said:

    This whole post was amazing – I’m a December 22nd baby (worse yet I have an aunt who is a December 24th baby) so I totally get the suckfest of having a December birthday with twofer presents and poor party attendance. So glad you were able to achieve the dream of an amazing bday party (obviously amazing if the Biebs was in attendance)! ~ Jami

  12. Anonymous Said:

    I also have a December (27) birthday and my husband’s is Jan 8. So we really understand the ho-hum birthdays. He gets more attention because of the Elvis connection but still overlooked alot. I loved your post cause we were always out of school and I never had a b-day party till I turned 16. All us December babies need to get togather next December and Party!!!

  13. NeenerBeeners Said:

    Have you bought the Biebster’s perfume yet? You haven’t lived until you’ve worn it!

  14. Pam Said:

    My son hasa December birthday….the 21st 🙁
    I wanted so badly to punch my OB in the face when she decided his birth date…I have spent the last 3 years trying to plan great birthday parties only to have the same 4 little friends (out of the 20 invites sent) show each year :
    Sadly, this year he didn’t have one, and I fear in 15-20 years I will be reading his blog about how lame his 8th birthday was cuz all he got was a trip to Paint a Penguin with his mom and step dad, LOL

  15. Terri Lobato Said:

    I too have a December bday (the 27th). Sucks balls, big time.

  16. Kelly Said:

    Great post! I am the fabulous mother of a December 25th birthday baby, who is now 14, and when she was about 9, SHE decided that she was only going to celebrate her HALF birthdays, which is June 25th! We have celebrated June 25th since. Although we do still recognize her birthday with a small cake in December, no birthday gifts (she already or has yet to receive) 😉

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