September 19, 2012

If you can win a Pulitzer for lame and somewhat vulgar cards, back off people, cuz it’s all mine

I am posting a bunch of my stupid e cards here because for some reason lots of my blog readers aren’t on the book of face, and are missing out on these ridiculous things. And also, because people keep stealing these stupid cards and idiotic quotes and claiming them as their own, and when I post my things here they are supposedly instantly copyrighted. Really, people? THIS is what you are gonna plagiarize? Not Shakespeare? Not Dostoyevsky? You’re gonna steal a quote from me where I threaten to spork someone in the taint? Wow. Alls I can say is that dude…you are all kinds of effed up. It’s effed up enough to say the stupid crap that I say, but even MORE effed up to steal it. I would recommend some therapy for you. Pronto. And don’t go trying to steal MY therapist, because I’m pretty much all he can handle. Are we clear? Good.

The only good part is that when someone steals any quote from me AT ALL, I always have a few people who either recognize it and tell me, or come to me and say “This sounds like something you would say” and show me an e-card or poster of a quote that sounds like me BECAUSE I’M THE ONE THAT SAID IT! And I know I know I should be flattered that people are thinking my stuff is funny enough to steal, and I kinda am. But I’m mad too. Mad because it’s rude and dishonest and pathetic. When someone takes something that came from your brain, it feels really, really, wrong

So anyways, here are some cards I made after I found out that I was wasting my precious time making cards on the Somee card site because I heard that although you can use their site to make some funny cards with your own sayings, once you make them you cannot take credit for them. They are their property and they can even sell them if they want. I say screw that crap. I’ll make my own. So I did. And although I am sick of looking at these photos of myself, I used them figuring that it’s just a wee bit harder for someone to steal my stuff when my face is on it. Even though the a-holey of the world still find a way. Anyways, now that I have made these literary masterpieces, I am sitting back, feet up, waiting for my Pulitzer. Norman Mailer, John Cheever, William Faulkner…you can all step aside. Actually, I guess you can roll aside. Since you’re all dead and stuff. People are always saying “he would roll over in his/her grave” so I guess dead people can roll. Or they could come back as zombies and step side to side like those Thriller Zombies do. If I were dead I’d do that. Rising from the dead as a zombie and doing the Thriller dance is way cooler than rolling over in a box in the ground. I am all about getting attention, and I’m guessing that if you were dancing down the street all dead and gross and everything, you’d get lots more attention cuz ain’t nobody gonna see that whole grave rolling thing except for some worms and maggots. Point is, I doubt any of those writers ever wrote the phrase “I’ll kick you in the nads.” But what the heck do I know? I mostly cliff noted those books due to the fact that I was too busy drinking beer and kissing boys to read a 8 million page novel.

Anyways, here are a few of my cards. I’m sure Hallmark will be calling at any moment. Most likely they’ll be calling to tell me that I am an abomination to the purity of the flowery kitty cat greeting card industry. But who cares WHY they’re calling, as long as they call. Right?

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25 Responses to “If you can win a Pulitzer for lame and somewhat vulgar cards, back off people, cuz it’s all mine”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    I LOVE these!

  2. Anonymous Said:

    Uhmmmmmm…..EFFING HILARIOUS, just as expected!!!! Thanks always for the great laughs.

  3. Non-Stop Mom Said:

    ROFLMAO! These are awesome!

  4. Christina Oshier Said:

    Taking a drink of coffee whilst reading your blog is bad for my clothing.

  5. Ann Powers Said:

    Too funny! Thanks for sharing Patti!!

  6. Anonymous Said:

    You should have these printed as postcards so that we can send them to our friends old skool. Plus you’d make a zillion dollars and single handedly save the postal service. Do it!

  7. Amye Said:

    I SO AGREE!!

  8. KrazyMomma Said:

    Yes!! You could sell them at Spencer’s as well!

  9. ilikebeerandbabies.com Said:

    Low unicorn. I die.

  10. Sarah Gray Said:

    I would definitely buy these as cards for friends or family. they all share a similar sense of humor and mindset. we’re just as messed up…well, maybe not quite as much. love them all. if the Pulitzer was based off of votes, you’d have it. 🙂

  11. Sarah Gray Said:

    I would buy your hallmark cards for a number of friends and family especially since many share a similar since of humor or mindset. love them all!

  12. KrazyMomma Said:

    I second the post card idea.

  13. Tiffany Said:

    I simply MUST use the phrase “spork you in the taint”

  14. Christine Said:

    You just keep getting better and better. I had to run to the washroom before I peed myself laughing. You totally make my day!

  15. Patti Ford Said:

    Thank you!

  16. Cindy Said:

    I can’t possibly be the only person who would love to have you as my bestie! So how about putting a crazy girl weekend together…drinking, laughing, a few funny ass speakers such as yourself. You can pass out goodie bags with adult diapers, so we can giggle w/o worry 🙂 With 50,000 followers, surely there would be plenty of gals that need a break from family to be a kid again. We could be like the “red hat” ladies, but instead of red hats we can wear unicorn hats. Enough of the “MORE” Magazine type weekend. NO self help speakers, yoga, beauty advisors or meditation guides allowed. What think you, o wise one?

  17. Patti Ford Said:

    Sounds fantastic!

  18. Kim Hazelwood Said:

    awesome. do a VyRT type forum so everyone can join in without flying 500 miles. lol….

  19. TAM Said:

    What can I say that hasn’t already been said? U need help..lol!

  20. gmcmurry Said:

    Yes you need to sell these my gosh I’m loving it!!!

  21. Patti Ford Said:

    I might be soon…

  22. Sara Jones Said:

    Bwahahaha!

  23. Christina Alderman Said:

    Hahahahaha, love these!!!!

  24. Anonymous Said:

    I love you! Favorite blogger by far! Thanks for the laughs.

  25. Kim Hazelwood Said:

    LOL, well, imitation is flattery. theft of copyrighted materials is just not realizing it’s not ok. usually these copyrights will stop them from being taken, like on Flickr. oh and the book of face kinda sucks so more and more people are in and out, less often. lol….

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