September 21, 2012

Maybe if your mom had told you when you were acting like an a-hole, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

As most of you know, I have a Facebook page that accompanies my blog. Like my blog, it’s usually a light-hearted, goofy world of unicorns, finger monkeys, and other silly things that make me happy. People come to me for laughter and fun, which is great, because that is how I try to live my life. I have lots of people on my Facebook page and most of them them rock. But occasionally there is someone who feels the need to tell me how much I suck.

And sometimes what they think I suck at is being a mom.

What I find  disturbing is that most of the people who have felt the need to tell me what they think of my parenting skills (although they don’t even know me) are fellow moms.

And it’s not just me that this is happening to. It’s happening to many other moms who are sharing their lives with people on the internet. “Mommy Bloggers” are a HUGE target for the holier than thou moms who get their rocks off by telling other moms that they’re doing it wrong.

Case in point, I posted this e-card this week:

This is a quote from Louis C.K. who happens to be my favorite comedian. He writes about parenthood in an amazingly honest, no-holds-barred way. It’s this brutal honesty that makes him so funny.  Although some of the things he says might initially be startling, they’re all true. They’re all HIS truth and he is sharing it with us in his own honestly and hilariously off-kilter way. If people get offended (and they do) they don’t have to listen to him. That’s their right. But, personally, I applaud him for doing what he does, knowing full well that some people are gonna be pissed.

Every parent should feel that it’s okay to talk about their real life stuff without feeling like they have to pretend to be the perfect freaking parent with the perfect freaking kid.

Newsflash: Nobody is perfect.

Don’t we, as mothers, have enough worries about whether we are doing it right without self-righteous know-it-alls judging us when they don’t even know us? And I’m not saying that nobody’s life is Leave it to Beaver-ish. I’m just saying that I haven’t met any yet. If I did I’d question whether they were actually human and totally do the robot test on them, i.e. kick them in the underballs or ovarnads and see if it hurts.

There’s a reason that Louis C.K. has such a huge following, and that sitcoms that follow in the awesome footsteps of “Roseanne” have been so popular over the past 20 years:  Most people know what’s what. They are living real lives and have real families with real drama and real fun, and they want to see families that are a reflection of their own. They want to know that they aren’t alone.

It ain’t the 1950’s and that June Cleaver crap is soooo not gonna fly.

We all have our own style of parenting. Most of us are doing the best that we can and the last thing we need is for strangers (who know nothing about us) to tell us that we’re doing it wrong.

When The Boy was a baby and people would ask me how he was doing, I would sometimes say that he was being an a-hole and people would look at me like I had just murdered 27 puppies in front of them with my bare hands then made them eat their eyeballs (I like to be visually dramatic). The truth is, the first day we brought him home from the hospital I decided he was a mega-a-hole because he wouldn’t shut up with the freaking crying. I wondered what I had done to deserve getting stuck with a turd baby. Eventually we realized that he was crying non-stop because in all the exhaustion and nervous newness of having a strange, tiny, person in our home, we had kinda sorta forgotten that babies need to be fed. After that little whoopsie, I decided that maybe he wasn’t totally an a-hole, and perhaps we were just idiots.

From then on out we remembered to feed him, but he still spent an insane amount of time with his diaper in a wad, acting like an a-hole. He would cry like a maniac for no reason, making me question my lifelong belief that all babies were adorable and sweet. I even started to question whether or not I was a good mother. What if it’s me? What if I’m just super shitty at this and I’m totally fucking it up?  Most of us moms, at one time or another, go through that, and it totally sucks. Hopefully we have non-judgmental people around us to let us know that sometimes even babies are a-holes and it’s totally normal.

Eventually The Boy grew out of it. Mostly. I mean, sometimes he still acts like an a-hole, but those episodes are rare. And when I tell him he’s acting like an a-hole, he usually realizes that I’m right. Same thing when I am acting like one and he tells me.

Listen, everybody at some point acts like  an a-hole. Even babies. Even nuns. And nuns are married to God, you guys. Didn’t you see The Sound of Music? Some of those nuns were the definition of a-holes.

To judge a person for saying that their spawn is acting like an a-hole is ridiculous.

Sometimes people act like a-holes. Just because some of those people came out of your vagina doesn’t mean that you can’t call them out on it.

It’s a real thing, and as a parent I consider it my job to tell The Boy when he’s acting like one. How else will he know? My way is to get to the nitty gritty and say “Dude, you’re acting like a total jerk today.” That may not be your way, and  that’s okay, but it’s my way. I’m not beating him. I’m not calling him names. I’m calling his behavior a name. I’m letting him know when he’s acting like an a-hole so that some kid at school doesn’t have to let him know with a sucker punch to the face. I’m actually saving his face from getting disfigured, you guys. And that’s pretty amazing of me.

Every mom (and dad) has different parenting styles, and unless someone’s style is to abuse or neglect their children, I don’t think that any of us have a right to judge. We certainly don’t have a right to judge someone as a parent when we know absolutely nothing about that person or their child.

After posting the infamous e-card, a woman said this in the comments:

“It’s pathetic that people treat their children like this. This “mom-brain” bitch needs her kids taken from her. Unliking this stupid fucking page”

This is an example of what sometimes happens on Facebook and the internet in general.

The worst thing you can say to a parent is that their child should be taken away from them, and to say it because of a funny card that they posted on Facebook and with no knowledge of that person’s real life, is not only irresponsible behavior for ANY person, but especially a fellow mother.

And the thing is, those people came to my FB page of their own free will, and if they see something that makes them so mad that they want to spew hatred everywhere, that should be a sign to them that it’s time to go. They have that choice. There is no reason to post hatred like that. Do these people go around in their real day to day lives telling people to their faces what they hate about them? I’d bet all the Modelo in the world that they don’t. They save that for when they are behind a computer and can act like they are a bad-ass without actually facing their victims and having to take responsibility for their obnoxious behavior.

It’s all pretty sad. And it’s even sadder when moms are doing it to other moms.

Women are supposed to support women. Moms are supposed to support moms. Human beings are supposed to support human beings. Don’t we have enough problems without turning on each other for no reason other than the fact that someone finds something funny that you don’t? Or someone parents in a way that you don’t? Most of us are doing the best we can to raise kids that turn into people that don’t act like a-holes. We are trying to raise people that will support other people and do everything they can not to hurt anyone, yet have the courage and self-worth to stand up for themselves when they need to. People that won’t grow up to be bullies who get their self-esteem by trying to take away someone else’s.

We are all in the same boat here. If you think someone else isn’t steering their boat the right way but they aren’t putting you or anyone else in danger, let them keep on steering their boat and stay the frick out of it.

And just for the record, The Boy is the love of my life and he is a pretty awesome kid. I cooked him up and popped him out and taught him 11 years worth of stuff, and he is one of the smartest, sweetest, most well-adjusted kids on the planet. Partly because he is infinitely loved yet treated like a normal person who makes normal mistakes, and partly because we tell him if he’s acting like an a-hole.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Email

116 Responses to “Maybe if your mom had told you when you were acting like an a-hole, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

  1. Jodi Said:

    You Rock.

  2. Patti Ford Said:

    Thank you! It had to be said. xoxo

  3. JennyRu Said:

    YES!!! And THAT is why you are one of my dearest friends! Xoxoxo! You are a stellar mom!

  4. Patti Ford Said:

    I xoxoxoxo you too!

  5. Sally HP Said:

    It never ceases to amaze me the things that people will say to someone they don’t know. Facebook and other social media are great, but they enable people to be terrible to each other. One of the things I love about your blog and page are that you can tell you love The Boy fiercely. Humor and sarcasm make parenthood (and life) so much more enjoyable. I feel bad for people who can’t see that, but it doesn’t make what they say any less hurtful or offensive.

  6. Patti Ford Said:

    Thank you, Sally. It’s pretty amazing what people will say over the internet.

  7. eicanfly Said:

    Hear! Hear! Clapping hands, nicely put…both the blog and the comment 🙂

  8. Kymberli Addison Said:

    This is why im addicted to your blog and facebook page.

    I was never blessed with children but like to think that if i would have been, I’d be a mother just like you.


  9. Patti Ford Said:

    Thank you so much, Kym!

  10. Kymberli Addison Said:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  11. Christine Said:

    I’m a relatively new reader of your page and your blog. You write what I think. LOL My mind is similar to yours but I have been too shy/lame/self-conscious to say what goes around in my mind. You are awesome. And like Sally said, it’s obvious you love The Boy with all your being. Let the Trolls simmer in their own bitterness and know that the rest of us think you’re the Cat’s Ass!

  12. kstuck Said:

    I am totally straightforward with my boys too and have real conversations with them. They are 16 and 12 now and have the coolest personalities, are very funny, do good in school and don’t get into trouble. From what I’ve read I get the impression that you are an amazing mom and you should keep on keepin on! Love your fb page and your blog!

  13. Lisa McMaster Said:

    Some people have a serious issue with humor. If you are laughing, then you are not in their corner– sipping on a glass of misery, while chomping on a big bar of poor me.. People pretend to be A friend or pretend to like you, just so they can belittle you in front of others to make themselves look superior…ef them/her…for real…tell that “Lady” to suck dust and blow mud.(You never EVER bring someones child into anything…..EVER…she is a fool)…and while she is at it,hand her a bag so she can pick up the rainbows and butterflies that shot straight out of her ass…she’s full of crap…you’re great…don’t let the trolls get to you…

  14. Lisa McMaster Said:

    Some people have a serious issue with humor. If you are laughing, then you are not in their corner– sipping on a glass of misery, while chomping on a big bar of poor me.. People pretend to be A friend or pretend to like you, just so they can belittle you in front of others to make themselves look superior…ef them/her…for real…tell that “Lady” to suck dust and blow mud.(You never EVER bring someones child into anything…..EVER…she is a fool)…and while she is at it,hand her a bag so she can pick up the rainbows and butterflies that shot straight out of her ass…she’s full of crap…you’re great…don’t let the trolls get to you…

  15. kristina Said:

    I think you handled this amazingly well, with dignity & class. as a mommy & woman I think you have so much to be proud of. I have 2 boys.. Ethan’s 9 & Blakes 3 they’re my world, and if someone said something like that to me it would hurt me. I love your blog, it never fails to make smile & laugh. Whenever someone’s being an a-hole, remember all the people who love exactly who you are. 🙂

  16. LilyPetals Said:

    I love your straight forward attitude and I super love your sense of humor and that of most of your page addicts. This is why I come here every day – to remember that while I may not be totally normal, I am in good flippin company! MUAH! Have a Modelo of a day.

  17. ZoomingAndy Said:

    Awesome post and absolutely laser focus spot on in every respect. You are a role model(o) to me!

    I promise to remember to send you the picture of my dry humping a vibrating giraffe at Burning Man this year, it’s on a friends camera and he didn’t send it to me in time to enter your competition, I may have to kick him in the underballs for this.

  18. OhRosie Said:

    What a bunch of wank. How dare people act like such twunts toward you? No one asked them to Like your page or visit your blog!
    I have been enjoying your FB page for a couple of months now and find it refreshing, absurd and HILARIOUS.

  19. OhRosie Said:

    What some holier-than-thou parents get wrong is the fact that KIDS ARE PEOPLE TOO! They act like dicks, say stupid shit and deserve a middle finger now and again. Good on you for being honest with yourself and the internet!

  20. Anonymous Said:

    Well said!

  21. Anonymous Said:

    I post things about my 11yr old daughter that I call “Sophie’isms”… I get the same thing occasionally. But usually most people would rather have me staple gun a recorder to my head so I had a reality show. So they can creep even more. 😉

  22. Jasmine Said:

    This post kicks ass…you say what most of us are thinking, and it’s great to know that we aren’t the only ones out there thinking it. I hate it when self-righteous, condescending a-holes have to wreck a good thing. Keep doing your thing, I love checking out your page everyday.

  23. Stacy Said:

    I can’t for the life of me understand why people are so hateful. You’re an awesome person and mom!! Keep up the good work!! I’m the same way. Call your kid whatever. I actually say ass to my son and bitch to my daughter regarding their attitudes. That woman needs to get a life. She obviously is hiding behind her computer, like a little cyber bully.

  24. Crissi Said:

    Very Very well said! Mean People Suck

    I am never afraid to tell my boy when he is being a-hole! They are boys! Boys are a-holes. Its part of their make up. How will they ever learn! I sometimes think I am too hard on him, but he will thank me in the end. He will be a better member of society because I tell him when he needs to straighen up his act. That is why we are their parents. It is our jobs. I can’t stand the passive parents who just let their kids do whatever, those are the kids you see on the news.

  25. Kathleen Said:

    Love. You rock, and that stupid lady probably doesn’t even have any kids, and has NOT EVEN ONE CLUE exactly how a-holey they can be. I have three boys, and they can all be a-holes. You make me laugh every day. Those Debbie Downers can suck it.

  26. brandi johns Said:

    I’ve lived with this crap my whole parenting career from the fangs of my sister. Ya just gotta wash your hands of those loons.
    Funny thing is one of the bad parenting knives thrown in my back was when I went to see Louis CK live and found him so super funny but she couldn’t comprehend how someone could enjoy such vulgarity.
    I hear ya loud and clear funny lady and say keep up the good work! You’re doing an amazing job!

  27. Myers Five Said:

    I adore your posts immensely! Thank you for putting yourself out there so that the rest of us moms can say, “yep, that sounds like something I would do/say/think!”

    Laura M
    Michigan mom of 3 boys

  28. Monica Said:

    Awesome blog! parenting is always easier with a healthy dose of sarcasam & humor…my 11 yr old rocks & her friends think I’m pretty funny too. Life is too short to be so serious! Keep up the good work & keep deleting the a holes 🙂

  29. thompsgirl06 Said:

    Dude, I wanna meet you, have a few Modelos, go dancing at a gay bar and surprise buttsecks anyone who crosses our path! i freaking love the way you tell it like it is! i am a full believer of telling your kids when they’re being A-holes! this woman probably thinks her kids are perfect when in reality they’re probably the kids running around the restaurant pulling table cloths off of other tables. fact is there will always be some douchebag willing to rain on your parade because they’re jealous that you’re honest and hilarious about it! much love from one crazy mamma to another!!!!

  30. Theresa Coultas Said:

    Some people just don’t understand warped humor; don’t knock this lady for being a window licker she is still trying to decide what flavor her window is! The only people who have the right to comment on what type of mother you are, is your children. Because nobody knows what you’re like when the shades are drawn and you are cursing like a sailor because you have stepped on that damn lego 3 times today (even though you could have picked it up yourself) and you are screaming at your kids and the are laughing at you for stepping on the same lego 3 times in one day!
    Judging by her tone I think it Sour Apple!

  31. thompsgirl06 Said:

    Dude, I wanna meet you, drink a few Modelos, and surprise buttsecks anyone who passes by. i love your blog and your page! I am happy that there is another mom out there willing to tell it like it is instead of being all la-de-da my kids are amazing all the time…..fact- those people are usually the ones who’s kids are running around the restaurant pulling tablecloths of of others’ tables etc. this chick is just jealous you’re honest and funny as hell while being it! screw her! your kid is obviously happy and healthy or he wouldn’t have such a sense of humor either! i have openly said to my kids (there are 4 of them) “you know if we were wolves id have eaten you already!” because lets face it, as much as we love them, they’re kids, it is their job to be A-holes until we tell them they are acting as such! much love to you from one crazy mamma to another!

  32. ElleAsku Said:

    Oh, the naysayers of the world must get their brains stuck in a perpetual loop of, “Nay!, Nay!, Nay!” every time they encounter anything that is joyful, honest or funny. These are people that had the humor sucked out of them at a young age and although they pretend to “get it” and even go out of their way to “like” those who are the polar opposite of them their true purpose in coming to your party is to knock you down a peg or two. Keep truckin’ lady because eventually the Negative Nelly’s will either choke on their misery or have a happy epiphany. My money is on the choking thing…

  33. Michele Johler Said:

    Alright, about the blog post, love it! Agree a hundred and fifty point nine percent. I just flipped my 12 yr old off behind her back this morning for being a jerk. I’m pregnant an don’t have the energy to argue today so I flipped her off behind her back and instantly I felt better and she doesnt even know I did it.
    Now! More importantly! I drink Carona. Regular Carona. But I read your stuff every day and I cannot wait to pop tho kid out because I am craving Modelo. Why?! I have never even smelled the cap of a Modelo let alone rated one and to make a blind commitment like that is insane to me! So I’m thinking it’s pregnant hormones making the decision for me.

  34. mzcarrie Said:

    Nothing bugs me more than a female (i refuse to call her a woman) that acts all sanctimonious. Obviously if she’s using the words bitch & fuck in her comment, she’s not June Cleaver or even an a-holy nun..she’s just a regular a-hole. She probably thinks her children are ultra perfect and would never deserved to be flipped off behind their backs. Pshhh..My daughter has problems with a child in school who tells her things like “Black people don’t belong in this town (my daughter’s mixed)”, she tells her that she is ugly, doesn’t dress well, etc. When trying to approach the mother of said heathen, she says “Oh, my daughter has been nothing but nice to your daughter, it’s YOUR daughter that’s the mean one”. Granted, my daughter can be the queen of a-holes sometimes, but everyone has their days & their limits. I personally would like to hire Patti to come spork them all.

  35. Unknown Said:

    I love your sense of humor, thank you so much for making me laugh with your funny posts!

  36. Julie Said:

    Good for you. And hey, I got some personal growth out of this too. Because I admit that sometimes when other people’s kids are acting douchey in public I silently judge them. It’s not right or necessary — they’re doing the best they can, just like we all are. So now I will stop my a-holey judgment and just be sympathetic and unicornish. Thanks Patti. And your Boy sounds like a cool funny kid. I know you are telling the truth cuz I have three and they all say terribly funny clever and brilliant sounding things regularly. I post them all the time. Trolls be crazy.

  37. Mark Seydel Said:


  38. Marie Said:

    Patti, you are awesome. I’m not a mom, but I get your humor and love kids and their quirky observations. You make me laugh, and I appreciate that. The trolls can go fuck themselves.

    Keep on keeping on!


  39. Amanda Washington Said:

    Anyone who does not believe that their children can be turd buckets (a term I use frequently for my own boys when they are being a-holey) is delusional. No child is perfect; no parent is perfect. We try the best we can with what we have.

    For the Keyboard Warrior to suggest that The Boy needs to be taken from you is bullshit. For that audacity alone, the bitch should be sporked. Some people are so miserable with themselves that they feel elated by targeting and downing others. She’s a bully. Period. And bullies like her should be sporked while wearing a sign that says “I am an internet bully with peppercorn-sized lady balls.”

    Most of us don’t know you, but we’d like to, which is why we read. I see a mom who can laugh at herself and her family, while smiling at the absurdity of life. Maybe if KW spent more time laughing at herself rather than judging others, she’d feel less inclined to make ridiculous accusations and inane declarations.

    I, for one, think you’re sofa king great. Period.

  40. MIchelle Said:

    O my goodness I love this one Patti! You are amazing… amazing women, mother and all out amazing human being. I agree with everything you said. My daughter can be such a brat I just tell her to go to her room until she can be nicer because she is being a brat! There is nothing wrong with being honest with your kids OR about your kids. Parenting is hard. And there will always be someone who thinks they are better then you to tell you how you are doing it wrong. But I just thought you should know I think you are awesome! and I love seing your posts and your random silly things that you have to say…. wish I could actually meet you cuz I know we would get a long!!

  41. Tiffany Said:

    Patti, this is one of my faves. And, I totally believe you about what your son says because my kids say stuff like that all the time. I LOVE listening to the stuff that pops out of their mouths. For one thing, it totally lets me know that they were built from my blueprints…LOL…my kids are just as twisty in their head, in their own little way, as I am and it RAWKS. I’m sure that you’re a great mom…and the ones who attack like that are probably just insecure about their own mommying skills. They. Should. Eat. Taint.

  42. Unknown Said:

    I can’t imagine what the kids of these humorless Moms who post to your wall have to go through. Life at home must be as exciting as beige. Keep up the awesome fun. You add laughter to our lives! – Greters 🙂

  43. The Madwoman Said:

    I have silently fretted the day that some ahole does this to me on my blog. I don’t know why hundreds or even thousands of people can tell a person they are freakin’ great, but one, just ONE little punk weasel of a human says something disgusting like that and we flip out. Even though we all know what they say is not true, it’s hard to imagine being weird enough to say it anyway. They are looking for attention and a fight. In real life, this person would be so intimidated by your positive energy they would cower and wet their panties. LMAO.

  44. Patti Ford Said:

    Thanks, you guys! I appreciate all the kind words. xoxo

  45. Anonymous Said:

    I work in child protection services and that troll should never suggest taking kids away from people. I work really hard NOT to ever have it come to that. It’s not a nice thing.
    I shared the flipping the bird e-card on my FB because I loved it, thought it was funny and did it numerous times to my kid. My co-workers thought it was funny too. Love your FB postings but really appreciated your comments above. People really need to lighten up or if not, then shut up.

  46. Laurie B. Said:

    Just stumbled onto your page through a friend who reposted a picture from your site. I don’t have children but I just wanted to say that I loved your blog and it makes me feel good to know there are parents out there like you that don’t take themselves too seriously. It sounds like you are raising an amazing kid! Also, kudos to you for letting the hateful comments of others with low self esteem bounce off you. In the end, what they think or say means absolutely nothing anyway. 😀

  47. balance Said:

    Awesome. I love your blog/facebook page. I will never understand why people choose to be miserable c*nts. Can you imagine going through life feeding off everything negative? No thanks! I’ll take ill-timed laughter and inappropriate jokes over being an upity douchefart any

  48. TriciaM Said:

    I already sent you an email to this effect, but I’ll post it here too.

    Perfect response! Sorry that you have to deal with the assholes Patti, and kudos for speaking up. I read a lot of news and common interest articles at sources like Huffington Post & major newspapers. I am driven to despair at some of the mean spirited, cruel and inappropriately personal comments/attacks that I see.

    We need funny people in our lives and it’s a shame that some people have to be so bloody ignorant.

    Love your humour and thank you for sharing it with us. Please don’t ever let the aholes get to you. Your humour is unique, off the wall and wonderful & so are you.

  49. patricedsegura Said:

    you are awesome patti, i love how you think its so much like me. in fact i had a dream about us the other nightn the day that this pic was posted on your facebook.( if that seems weird im sorry) but we were hanging out and we saw the cat in the neighbors windoow so we got outside and got up next to the cat and started taking pictures with it. just thought i would share that. you are a good mom. thats all i need to

  50. Moontig Said:

    Great blog. I have the same e-card on my page too. I’m so tired of Mom’s that pretend they have never had a thought about their child that didn’t involve hearts and butterflies. Motherhood/fatherhood – parenting is tough. Some days the kids are downright hard to handle. We’re supposed to support eachother, not ridicule and belittle. Samuel L. Jackson said in an interview for his reading for the “Go the F*CK to sleep” book that any parent who didn’t say that to their child – in their head, is lying.

    A mom at my daughter’s dance class said she wanted to kill her daughter that morning b/c she wouldn’t get dressed. All the other mom’s gasped and got off the bench as if they would catch the crazies or something, while they made mental notes to not send their child over to “her” house for a playdate. I was the only one who stayed remarking that I knew the feeling. Geez. Did I really think she would murder her own child? No. She was an exhausted Mom venting.

  51. Anonymous Said:

    Please take this as yet another kudo for you, your family, and your words! I, too, struggle to understand WHY people seek a public forum instead of simply “un-liking” someone or a page. My only conclusion matches yours; pot-stirrers or attention whores. 🙁 Glad you are able to keep this a-holes in perspective…

  52. Anonymous Said:

    Man, too bad they didn’t catch her before she bred. I’m a pediatric nurse because I love taking care of kids but I’ve met a few that I’ve wanted to set on fire.
    A friend mentioned that I might want to censor myself on my FB page because I’m profane and sarcastic and generally say things that she’s horrified to have laughed at. “Most of these people work with you!”. But in healthcare, you have to laugh or you’ll cry sometimes and if you haven’t looked at a tiny asshat and thanked Darwin, you haven’t been in pediatrics long enough.
    I love your humor and I need the laughs.
    Don’t let her get to you. Her kids are probably hideous monsters that torment her continuously in the 7th circle of hell.

  53. Christina Said:

    omg will you marry me????? mother of 2 ahole boys, lol

  54. Moontig Said:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  55. Adorable Adornments Said:

    Youve got to love all the opinionated people in this world.I had my children when they were 12 and 13. Yes I said had. I married a man with children and let me tell you that is just as crazy messed up on your brain as popping them out yourself. I came in and they were tween/teens YUCK. Anyway the boy lived with us and Ive asked the boy why hes being a pain in my ass..He never got offended BUT he also changed his actions. He loves me and is now an adult sometimes pain in my ass. To make up for it I nag him about college and now I am a pain in his ass 🙂 Dont worry the boy will be fine. Thanks for speaking the truth and making me laugh

  56. Pam B Said:

    I never once thought you were making stuff up at The Boy. What I DID think was that you have one AWESOME relationship with him. He’s funny, honest and obviously a bright boy.

    I remember when Son #2 was about 9. He walked around on thin ice a lot. One day he asked me for the phone number for pay-per-view. I told him it was 1-800-f**k-off. I also told both Son #1 and Son #2, when they were on my last nerve, not to make me call 1-800-Don’t-Kill-Your-Kids. They knew they had pushed a little too far and 99% of the time straightened up. I had to find humor as a single mother or I would just lost my shit.

    I have an amazing relationship with my grand-niece. She’s five going on 15. I used to drop her at day care after her weekly sleep-over, and sometimes I told Theresa (best day care provider IN THE WORLD) that my snuggle bunny was being totally bi-polar. No offense meant to those who suffer with such a tragic illness (and I know a few.) But there had to be a way that I could find humor in what was an undoubtedly crazy morning.

    My children are adults and good people. My grand-niece still sleeps over every week and I enjoy every minute I have with her. She is getting an awesome sense of humor. I.Love.That.

    As you said, we do the best we can. You make me smile every day; some days you make me think about things in a different way and I like that; some days if I didn’t see a post about sporking someone in the undernads, I may not have smiled at all.

    It is the trolls that are losing out. Twerps.

    Keep it coming, Patti. You are unique and very special. And I am lucky enough to know about Mom-Brain.


  57. Amy @mommetime Said:

    I laid in a fetal position outside my baby’s room while she cried in her crib… I felt so incredibly guilty. I was doing everything wrong. I kept shit bottled up. I thought I was supposed to be perfect and heaven forbid if I had a cross thought about my child… like the heavens were going to open up and strike me dead. I finally opened up to my MIL, and she says, “that’s the problem with the majority of your generation you pretend everything is ‘perfect’ well its not and that goes for babies… and they grow up to have major ass-hole potential, lets take my son for example…” and she just laughed.

    People that say mean stuff, and to bring someone’s kid into the mix (that shit is off limits), they serve a greater purpose… a reminder that not taking life so seriously rocks awesome ~hard!

  58. Misty Said:

    I just LOVE your page and blog. Some of the things and words you come up with make me think why didn’t I think of that. PLEASE don’t ever change. I love the things that you tell us about your son. It makes me feel good that I am not the only mom with a kid that can come up with some funny, crazy, off the wall shit. Keep up the good work

  59. Anonymous Said:

    The only reason I thought the cartoon was out of line was because you outted me. Lol… When my kids were young I probablyflipped them off…once r twice…ok ok maybe more than once or twice. I even rolled my eyes at them behind their back when they were little. Then as teens I rolled my eyes in front of them, and I even flicked my hair back and made some indestinguisable sound. You keep doing what you are doing….you are great…you call it like it is and I thank you for making me remember when my kids were still kids.
    Thanks, Mm

  60. Libda Said:

    Ignore the asswipes out there! You are a bright spot in my day. I love your blog and your FB page. Whenever I see a post from you, I know I am going to be smiling or LOLing! I too have a son who is my love, my pride, my joy, and sometimes my pain in the toohas! And I tell him when he’s being annoying or weird bc I don’t want him going out in this world thinking he ‘s all that when in reality ge’s being a douche. WE are doung them the biggest favor in preparing them for life. So fuck the haters, the trolls, the self riteous asshats! You rock Patti! Keep on being you and go post another funny for me to laugh at! <3.

  61. Stephanie Rudolph Said:

    We all need to learn to laugh at/with each other and ourselves. God bless my dad, one of the greatest gifts he gave me as a kid was teaching me people are assholes. He always called us out when we were being a-holes (which was all the time), he even admitted when he was being one. If anyone wants to say that’s wrong, well f**k you! My sister, two brothers and myself all turned out to be well adjusted, semi normal, caring adults. I have always had friends who (eventually) thanked me when I would call them out for being a douche….

    I love that you call out your kid, the hubs, or others for being dicks. I think its a very endearing quality. Keep kicking ass!

  62. Anonymous Said:

    You are awesome. Screw the haters. Haters gonna hate. ( My own two turdling sons taught me that one!!)
    So true- we need to stick together and we also need to teach our kids how not to be a-holes cus if we don’t, someone else in the real world outside our house will for sure!
    I love your stuff and belong to your fb group but basically I am a lazy bitch who had no time to sign up as anything but anonymous! haha

  63. Christina Alderman Said:

    🙂 F the haters!!! I love you. At least what I know about you!!! And I think your awesome!!!

  64. dianabeebe Said:

    Yes! I’ve seen too many kids whose parents haven’t told them when they’re acting like idiots. I agree that it must be balanced with respect and love–and the child can reciprocate when it’s needed. Thank you for saying it like it is.

  65. Dragonfly76 Said:

    Eff the dumb troll bitch! I love your transparency and the fact that you’re not afraid to voice what we moms have all thought. Keep on making us laugh. We love you!

  66. Sassy STS Said:

    Haters gonna hate, bitches gonna bitch, trolls gonna be douchelords. She can suck it. Everyone should take blogs with a grain of salt and if she doesn’t like what she reads, she shouldn’t read it. Your posts are awesome.

  67. Kimberly Warren Said:

    That is actually one of my favorite ecards ever… lol

  68. ShannonD Said:

    Keep it real, Patti. We love you for saying all the things normal moms think but don’t always have the balls to say or at least not in the hilariously funny way you do! And I actually have flipped my kid off behind his back, because he WAS being a little a-hole and totally deserved it. But since I love him anyway and don’t want him to be scarred for life, it was behind his back – NOT to his face. Real parents do stuff like that.

  69. jd1212 Said:

    Brava or Bravo! Whatever.

    And, what is it about Mom’s that they always have to point out the one’s they think aren’t as good as them? “Look at her; look at her. I would never let me kids do that.”

  70. Debbie Cee Said:

    Patty … Just be YOU. Never change. As for the the haters … here’ what I say: FUCK ‘EM if they can’t take a joke! p.s. can you “unlike” a follower on your page? Just help them along and do the ‘delete’ for them! They are probably too fucking stupid and don’t know how to ‘unlike’ or ‘delete’. Love you and The Boy and your humour. And your Unicorns.

  71. Ms. Hutcheson Said:

    The way people communicate today has really been changed by the internet and the distance it puts between us – people say all kinds of things they would never say in person. This epidemic of rudeness and downright ugliness is growing. I see it as a teacher in my online classes – parents question my abilities and my methods almost daily through email, but in person they don’t say boo. Not once do they attribute their child’s lack of success to THEIR behavior; it must be the teacher’s fault. it’s nice to know that someone is holding their child responsible for their a-holey actions. if more parents did that, the world might be filled with actual people instead of people with an over-inflated sense of self-worth and self-righteousness. I appreciate your work and your humor and the day I don’t, I will leave — no fuss, no muss! Stay strong and stay funny!

  72. Anonymous Said:

    Patti… keep it coming. Your humour just cracks me up totally. And for the immature peeps out there? Just unlike and go away. Go back to your troll hole.

    And I have flipped the bird behind my kids, rolled my eyes, even done the stabbing motion with an imaginary knife. The result? My home is full of laughter and love. Real life. Humour is in the eyes of the reader and the life of the insane… Keep doing what you do best… making us realize that we are not all brain surgeons and its not life and death drama that keeps us going… It is the laughter!!! xo

  73. Courtney Tune Said:

    you’re the shit. i’m not even a mom, but if i were one, i’d be like you, no doubt. 🙂

  74. Anonymous Said:

    I love your page and blog it makes me laugh so hard I cry. You keep things real. We all have our situations/ circumstances and I personally would rather take the glass is half full approach and be positive and laugh about it, laugh at myself, and laugh at my kids. Fact: babies don’t come with instruction manuals so you’ve got wing it. People shouldn’t be so dang judgemental and concerned with doing everything right so they aren’t judged by others, all that stress will give you wrinkles and gray hair!

    When talking about my spawn especially to judgy jerkface people I like to say things like. I’m considering have the kids put down this weekend, I’ve heard its very humane and they don’t feel a thing. Another fav is I am firm believer that if you swear at your kids they will not swear. I cuss like a sailor and my kids NEVER swear. Or oh man your pregnant, I’m so sorry I should told you that there’s a 100% chances of babies turning into kids and I don’t know if you’re aware but kids are awful!

    I say lots of other crazy nonsense too… like telling my daughter who is in 7th grade that this year if she’s not turning in homework I’m taking her to get a Betty White hairdo then I bet her social calendar will be super clear for homework. Or I told my 8 year old that son I have a glass eye, and didn’t tell him I was lying for like a year, even though he felt all bad for me and always wanted to touch my glass eye AND I might have laughed at him behind his back everytime he mentioned it!

    People probably think I’m completely insane, and they are RIGHT! But I have fun. My kids have fun.

    I love your crazy page! People who don’t shouldn’t like the page then they wouldn’t be subjected to “this stupid fuck page”. Thanks for all of the laughs!

  75. justjennifer Said:

    You’re the best! I am a Mom AND a daycare provider. You tell it like it is, and the truth refreshes me every day! Thank you for being real. This post says volumes about your true character. Those of us who “get it” already knew you were real. Now everyone who reads this does. Keep on, keeping on!! Cheers.

  76. Dru Said:

    Trolls suck. I have a baby page on FB with some 500 likes or so. I posted a picture saying not to judge a parent in public with a child having a meltdown (Autism post) and some guy got on there saying that those parents need to keep their kids at home for the sake of those that have no choice but to be there. Like people with Autistic kids go out with their kids just to cause migraines in others… I laughed it off and called him a troll and shut him down. But I expect that as my page grows there will be more trolls. And I am weary of that. Very. Keep up the good work, your blog and page are awesome!

  77. Sidney Mitchell Said:

    I call my son “the boy” too! hee hee…yes out of all of that, and I agree with you, the one point I wanted t point out is that I call him “the boy.” Looking forward to reading more from ya!

  78. DysFUNctionally Blended Said:

    Fuck the trolls. We’re women, we’re moms. We should be building each other up, not tearing each other down.

    On another note, girls don’t poop. Or fart. We ‘whisper in our panties’ sometimes. We drop roses in the commode, but we definitely don’t poop. If there’s ever a smell in the bathroom, it’s definitely from the last stinky Mcfartface boy that was in there. LOL

  79. Tyron Demmer Said:

    I was about to say, “I wish you were my mom”, but then I’d have 2 moms. One making me apologise to everyone in the room for not thinking before speaking while my dad chases me around the garden with a wooden spoon; AND THEN another telling me I’m an a-hole when I sat and cried because my butt hurt and I didn’t realise that sitting wasn’t the best plan of action at the time.

    I quickly realised that wouldn’t be fun at all and that I’d be a completely screwed up child because I had 2 mothers and 1 dad. Having an odd number of parents just doesn’t seem cool, my OCD would not agree with that at all! They’d have to walk holding hands in height order or something.

    Plus my mom is super cool although she doesn’t ride unicorns, but she does has ninja skillZ and can read minds. Well only mine. And only when I’ve just been acting like a turd.

    I think I’m done talking now.

    Btw, you’re awesome! I think you should be knighted for your blog! The messages in your blogs are totally better than “Candle in the Wind” or “Can you feel the love tonight” although “Hakuna Matata” does pose some rivalry (Did Sir Elton even write that one?)!

  80. definitelymaybe Said:

    I tell my kids, regularly, “Quit acting/don’t act like assholes. People don’t like it.” I’ve gotten some looks, my bf’s ex wife uses it to ride upon her high horse (and, to reference to your other quote, her horse is NOT a unicorn, but, due to her constant substance abuse, is probably quite high), and my mother would probably have a heart attack. But my kids are loved, they know what it means, and life goes on.

  81. Roe Said:

    You are one awesome lady! This post rocked and so do you..

    Have a great week!

  82. Janan Said:

    love your blog and your page…i shared the pic from the bottom of your post…sadly most people wouldn’t get it even if it slapped them upside the head

  83. Anonymous Said:

    YOU ROCK MY FACE OFF! Some people just suck! We can’t help them…we can only laugh at their lack of a sense of humor and their ignorance! If they want to rob themselves of the true joy and freedom that life can give you if you will just allow it to with their stick-in-the-ass attitude, let them do that to themselves…we don’t have to allow them to do it to us too! Carry on MOM! You provide me with a smile or a laugh on a daily basis!

    ~LANCE~ (FB user

  84. Anonymous Said:

    This is probably the most most amazing thing I’ve ever read! You said everything I want to tell everyone that looks at me like I’m crazy. Granted your son is eleven, my daughter is two. I don’t cuss at her and I hate giving her spankings. But I talk to her like I would talk to one of my siblings. People think because she’s two she doesn’t understand. I put it on my life she understands me perfectly. Her vocabulary is almost bigger than mine. I tell her when she wakes up crabby to go sit in her happy chair until her jerk face is gone, and she does. And if we’re out in public and she’s starts to get out of hand, I tell her I’m going to make her stay where we’re at and live there for a night, and she straightens up. People look at me like I’m nuts, and its even come to my mom thinking I’m parenting wrong because my daughter told her to ” stop whining or go on the closet”… Now I found it a little funny, but if anybody knows my mom, she’s very whiney and likes to tell a lot.

    But to end this rant. You’re like my conscious, and I love it. I just liked your page on Facebook, then I saw the link to your blog and I can’t stop reading!

    Keep up your awesomeness 🙂


  85. Rob Anderson Said:

    I love your page and want you to keep doing what you’re doing, forever (until such time as you reincarnate as a unicorn).

  86. Bree Said:

    Flip my child off ONCE? Behind their BACK? How about many times, and eventually (when they’re old enough) to their face! Love this post!

  87. My Other Car is a TARDIS Said:

    I think I just fell in love with you. <3

  88. Anonymous Said:

    You know, I’ve been checking your web page, and liked your Facebook page, because you say what youre thinking! I totally want to do that without worrying about what someone else is going to think, or say ” damn I wish I had said that instead of thinking about saying if for the last half hour”.. I Need to stop worrying and start saying…I truly believe that your page is going to help me lighten up, see humor in everything, and maybe say what I’m thinking right away! Definitely look up to you Patti! Keep on sporkin’, dry humpin’, and modelon’. Love it all!


  89. Anonymous Said:

    Well said! When my husband calls me from work to ask how our 9 year old daughter is doing, on occasion I will tell him that she’s being a little douche bag. It’s true love I tell ya. No punches to the face, no ear to a hot stove, just saying it like it is. Like your son, my daughter totally gets me, gets my immature humor, and is secure enough that she knows I love her. Even when she’s being a little douche bag.

  90. Lynthia Said:

    thanks for being real & yourself. So many find it easy to sit behind a computer and pretend to be something they are not. I appreciate the brutal honesty. Who cares if you act immature. Age is only a number and I do not recall reading that I have to act a certain way be a certain age. Sorry you have to deal with negativity and hatred from people that do not even know you. To this day, it’s not a holiday until I get flipped off by my mom and these days it’s no longer behind my back (I’m 40)
    Peace, love and keep doing what you do!

  91. Amber Said:

    Well I think you are pretty damn amazing. And the people who don’t agree must have had a unicorn horn shoved up their ass.

  92. Anonymous Said:

    i just love you

  93. Kathryn R. Said:

    As a single mom of 2 wonderful, but who sometime behave like butt-hole kids, I think I’d go bat-shit crazy if I didn’t find humor in everyday life. I’m so fortunate that I have you to provide this service to me, free of charge. Keep up with the good work Patti! <3

  94. Shar B. Said:

    I love this page!

  95. Anonymous Said:

    Yes, very well said! I would just like to say I love you and your page!

  96. Mrs. Ellis Said:

    I have 3 sons… 17, 19 & 21… don’t think we made it that far without being called out for behavior! Sometimes I was a WITCH and that did NOT go unnoticed! haha Sometimes they are butt holes and I tell them! If we don’t tell them WHO in the world will??? I’m a teacher and I tell parents all the time, if you are not an advocate for your child, who will be? You are advocating for your child by telling him/her that his/her behavior sucks! You always make me laugh and I love love love your page! Some days it is what gets me through my chronic migraine states! <3 Thanks Patti!

  97. Shelly Shaneyfelt Said:

    I have 5 children….We are a not fit for television viewing kind of family! LOL…I talk to my children as I would you! I just had to separate my youngest and the oldest from an argument and tell both of them they were acting like an A-hole….Honesty.. is the only way to be with them…and I do not sugar coat life….Some people just need to tell it like it is…and those that judge….I wanna come visit you and see how you do it….and then leave my suggestions for you!! lol

  98. Brittany Hall Said:

    You=Amazing. As a single mom of 2 under the age of 2, I cherish every laugh I can get and every a-holey moment my little guys give me. I finally got to a point where I can handle the crying thing without joining in. I love your blog and your FB page-it has gotten me through the toughest year ever 🙂 Also, The Boy is blessed to have a mom like you!

  99. ksmith Said:

    Don’t let some crazy bird brain troll bag get to you Patty. Anyone who says they haven’t wanted to flip their own kid off is a freakin lie er (notice my brainfart spellcheck) : ) I think your the and the boy the hub and the cat are lucky to have you.

  100. Charity Mullins Said:

    This is, in my opinion, the best blog you’ve ever written. Great job.

  101. Anonymous Said:

    i totally get those looks when you say something you aren’t supposed to say (you know because all babies are made out of gumdrops and you should be ecstatic every time they puke on you?). My husband gave me (one of many) a WTF face last night. My 11 month old freaks when i put on chap-stick so i do his too. i pull out a brand new EOS and admire aloud how shiny and perfect it is (im possible addicted to EOS) put some on, put some on the kid, and he drags his tooth across it. i say “aw man, you’re a jerk kid” and my husband gives me the look and says “really?” i reply “uhh yeah! kid took a chunk out of my precious, he’s a jerk!”

  102. Sabrina Said:

    It is so great you have the courage to talk about this not many parents do. My parenting style has humor and because I have humor with my children, I am a better parent.

  103. Anonymous Said:

    I am regular νisіtoг, how аre yοu evегybodу?

    Thіs ρaгаgгаph posted at this ωеb ѕite is tгuly pleasаnt.
    my site > loans for bad credit

  104. Anonymous Said:

    Haters are gonna hate. It’s what they do. I personally think you’re hilarious and also bring the reality of being a mom to light. Life is too short to be a mean, miserable troll. Stay true to yourself and keep on doing what you’re doing. =)

  105. deidre anne Said:

    this was a grrrrrrrrrreat post, I have six kids 17 down to 7 & yup! They have all been a-holes at one time or another, but I loves them all anyway. I think the greatest gift you can give your child is a sense of independence & the ability to know that they are an individual. Too many people are so worried about doing the “wrong” thing so they apply cookie cutter solutions. Kudos to you, your fb page makes me laugh my ass off every day & I often read it allowed to my hubby xo

  106. Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense Said:

    I read this the first time you posted it and it totally didn’t get old reading it again. Freakin’ awesome.

  107. Anonymous Said:

    i flip my kid off all the time. Someone call the authorities before my bird pokes him in the eye or something.

  108. Anonymous Said:

    I am truly glаd tο glance at thіѕ web sіte
    posts which cοnsists of lotѕ of vаluable
    data, thanκs for ρroѵiding ѕuch datа.
    Also visit my weblog how to stop snoring

  109. Lisa Ruvola Said:

    I have a 14 year old, 12 year old, 2 1/2 year old and a 1 1/2 year old. The two older ones get flipped off secretly (and sworn at in my head) pretty regularly. Being a mom is hard and if your kids don’t infuriate you to the point of madness occasionally than you are doing something wrong. I never fool myself into thinking that my kids or I am perfect. Nor are we so far from normal that I feel the need to be insecure and unable to laugh at the occasional insanity involved in parenting. You make me laugh. You restore some of my sanity after a hard day. I hear a lot of my thoughts voiced by you and it makes me know I’m not alone. You are having fun as a parent…ignore all those jealous moms who can’t seem to do the same. They are likely the ones who are so upset about your posts. I’m flipping them off right now!

  110. Leah Said:

    Just when I think it’s not possible to love you any more than I already do, you post things like this and I realize I do love you more. I do! I just want to drink Modelo’s on a lanai with you all Golden Girls-like and talk about unicorns, farting cats and whatever the hell was up with Bea Arthur’s man voice. Someday… Some. Day.

  111. Lisa Enlow Said:

    Trolls are chickens – birds known for their idiocy & tiny brains.
    Don’t let the chickens get you down!
    (I know that saying was coined with Turkey’s in mind but trolls
    don’t deserve turkey status – turkey’s are smart!)

  112. Tracy Said:

    Well said. Party on, mamma!!

  113. DeAnna Said:

    Thank you baby Jesus I am not the only one….I put it all out there somedays with my FB posts hoping that it lets the other non-robot moms know that they are not alone ridiculous crap happens to other people all the time. I know I have “friends” who are mortified by some of the things I post but I am all about putting it out there this is my life, it is messy, but it is mine and I freaking LOVE it!

  114. Susan Said:

    I hope i can do my Mom job with as much reality & mindfulness as you do. You are real & THAT is more valuable than being politically correct & “nicey-nice!”

  115. Melissa Sinner Said:

    THIS! THISSS!!!! This is why I wish we really were friends! I have written 1,000 words, but it all boils down to this – you rock, m’dear! Thank you!

  116. Suzanne Cheaves Said:

    People who hurt have been hurt. At least this is what I tell myself when I am attacked by trolls and other small-minded humanoids. Rising above can be hard because we’re sentient, caring people, but rise above we must. As writers who put their words and thoughts out there, we’re prime for attacks. It comes with the territory. I love this post of yours because those heartless douchenozzles need some push-back and a very strong message that it’s not OK. Carry on!

Leave a Comment

Comments are moderated, if it doesn't show immediately, please wait. Thank you!

Don't have a Gravatar? (the small photo that shows up when you make a comment). Get one here, it's FREE: Sign up for a free Gravatar


Content security powered by Jaspreet Chahal