September 13, 2012

It’s just like that movie “Signs” but without the murdery aliens. And the glasses of water. And Mel Gibson. Thank God. Cuz that dude is a mess.


My name is Patti and I am addicted to American Pickers.

It all started when I had surgery in 2010 and I was stuck in bed doing nothing but watching tv and I came across this brand new show and became immediately obsessed with it. You all know I am an all or nothing kinda girl. If I like something I will like the ever loving like out of it until I have driven everyone around me crazy from talking about it. Sometimes, after over-liking something, I wake up one morning and hate it. That happened back in ’84 when I went from planning to hijack Ricky Schroder’s tour bus and take him across the Mexican border to marry him, to completely being annoyed by everything about him from his pansy ass hair to his stupid car bed, and deciding that Derek Taylor was my one and only forever and ever boy amen. But I won’t ever wake up hating the pickers. Ever. I mean, probably not. I am nothing if not fickle.

By the way, I know that there is no earthly reason as to why in the heck The Rickster would have a tour bus. I did not, however, realize that when I was 12. I don’t know what I thought he was doing rolling around the US in a bus. It’s not like he was Bon Jovi or anything. Perhaps my brain was fried from all the kissing of my Teen Beat magazine posters of Ricky (and various and sundry other cute boys cuz I was a poster kissing whore bag). There has got to be some sort of toxicity in that ink, right? I bet if they did a Scientific study of that we would discover that many women in my age group have health issues because of tongue kissing poster ink. That cranky House dude should totally use this in an episode.

Anyways, back to the pickers.

So after I got all obsessed with this show I would tell everyone about it and they always asked if it was about nose picking, which I admit I thought was funny the first time but by time #3,758 I was ready to punch someone in the kidney. 

Let’s get one thing straight right now: I am a flea market whore. That does not mean I prostitute myself out at flea markets. It just means that I can’t get enough of them. My Patti senses start tingling when I am within a 5 mile radius of one. I can spend forever and a day just poking around and touching all of the stuff. And the junkier the flea market, the better. I like to wonder where everything came from and who had it and what they did with it. I like to look at those old timey black and white photos of people and wonder about who they were and I fight the urge to take them all home with me and hang them on my walls because I feel sorry for them ending up for sale. And I admit that I also kinda wanna fill my guest room with them, floor to ceiling, because lots of them look kinda creepers and maybe if a crapload of old timey creepy people were staring at my house guests, they wouldn’t stay quite so long. 

Hi! Welcome to Patti’s guest room.  Don’t mind us. We are just going to watch everything you do. Nice underwear! Are you gonna have sex in here? We ‘ll just stand here and watch you get down with your bad selves. No big whoop.

My Aunt Bengie and I were flea marketing maniacs this summer and we ended up at one that was down a long gravel drive in an old house on a piece of property that practically screamed “Guess what girls, you are about to get chainsaw massacred and have your skin turned into throw pillows.” And although we recognized the risks, we went in anyways. Why? Cuz we are bad ass adventure seekers. And also because we are addicted to the hunting of the junk. And hey, if there’s a tiny risk of having our leg bones turned into a lamp base, that just makes it all the more exciting. Obviously we made it out alive and we did so with the genius idea of having our own reality show where we flea market and hunt down crazed serial killers at the same time. Toss in a few singing and dancing sequences here and there, and I think you’ve got the makings of a show that those hairy Kardashian idiots can only dream about. It’s like American Pickers meets Dexter meets Glee. 

Why I don’t run a network is beyond me.

So basically I have a big old friend crush on Mr. American Picker, Mike Wolfe. I did from the start. Not only does he like to look for treasures, but he gets all kinds of excited and giddy in the process, and it’s infectious. He’s funny and happy and smiley and he makes my eyes and ears happy. Oh what I wouldn’t do to go on a pick with Mikey and Frankie and sit between them in that big old kidnapper van and eat burritos and tell fart jokes. It’s on my list of dream dates right between singing a dorky song with Jimmy Fallon and killing zombies with Norman Reedus while rocking a zombie ear necklace.

Earlier this week I saw this photo of Mikey on Facebook: 

Courtesy: American Pickers

When I saw this photo I immediately knew that it was some sort of a sign to me. A sign as in a sort of secret message beckoning me to hop in the van with him and go look at a bunch of dusty old junk covered in rat poops. Let me break it down for you: 

1-The “R” in the upper right of that photo is a sign that hangs in their shop in Iowa that says “Rust.” Rust is my maiden name.
2-The small sign under the “R” is a Ford sign. Ford is my married name.
3- On the bottom of the Ford sign all that is showing from the word “parts” is the “P.” My first name starts with P. Duh.

And if we wanted to get waaay out there with theories, we could say that to his right is something yellow and red which are my favorite colors. And that behind him on his left is a hula girl statue and not only have I been to Hawaii but I also watched people hula. But those aren’t as cut and dry. I admit that. But there is no possible way around it: My #1-3 are hard-core facts. Seriously. The Government should hire me as a code cracker. My skills are redonk.

My analysis of this photo is that Mikey is using signs as signs to invite me hither. I think he carefully organized those signs to send me a secret message. An invitation if you will. And I picked up on it in the first 1/2 of a second after I saw this photo. Mikey and me, we got it goin’ on. A brain connection. Kinda like ET and Elliott had except for so far as I know neither of us is from outer space and I don’t like Reeses Pieces. Which is weird. Cuz Reeses CUPS are my favorite candy bar ever. Except for Marathon Bars. Which were awesome cuz they looked like ropes and you could stretch them out really far before they broke and then your mom would yell at you cuz you got chocolate all over your hands from playing chocolate tug of war with your sister.

Moms are big fat bummers.

So I am writing this post to let Mikey know that his message was received loud and clear, and my bag is packed and I’ve got a cooler of Modelo, plenty of burrito cash, a couple of bottles of Beano for Frankie, and I am ready to roll. 


*****UPDATE!!!****

So this just got posted on the Pickers FB page. AFTER I blogged about them. So seriously, you guys…I am so right that it hurts. Not only are all 3 of them in front of my sign now, but they have a few additions: 

1) Clocks above them. That means it’s time for me to go on a pick with them.
2) A refrigerator on the right. That means I’m cool. Which I already knew, but I still don’t mind hearing.
3) The lamp on the left means that I am a bright, shining light in a dark, rusty dusty world. 

This is all making my head hurt. Thankfully I speak the language of “I can make anything about me-ese.” That ability makes it so much easier to decipher subliminal signs. Soooo much easier. 

Courtesy: American Pickers

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29 Responses to “It’s just like that movie “Signs” but without the murdery aliens. And the glasses of water. And Mel Gibson. Thank God. Cuz that dude is a mess.”

  1. Ray Mullins Said:

    I hate to burst your bubble…but he got married over the weekend. And his formal outfit is probably going to make certain parts of your body all tingly.

    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151151552624424&set=a.388684619423.165118.307958899423&type=1&theater

  2. Candace Brockhaus Said:

    I was going to say the same, I saw the wedding & baby pic posted on FB yesterday, only she doesn’t want to marry him, only go picking with him. I feel the same way about him, love the show & he’s what makes it so great to watch. He’s aaadorable!!

  3. Patti Ford Said:

    Ray I have a friendship crush on Mike. That means he is allowed to get married. Luckily for his wife.

  4. Anonymous Said:

    Lmao! My son actually has a recycling business on the side. Quite lucrative.

    Anyhow, I bought a creepy wedding photo at a flea market and it hangs in my livingroom. When my kids saw it and asked me who it was, I said thats great great blaby blab. Then go up close to look. The groom looks like he is the guy from Psycho, his eyes are all popping out n creepy killer looking. The bride sorta reminds me of Polly Pureheartyish meets Victorian era w killer groom. Kinda sad. I live in Wyoming and the pic is said to be from Georgia.

    I just wish I could be here to see which kid wants the family heirloom when I die!
    P.S. I am going to have a spray of flowers from Johnny Depp for my funeral added to my will. 100.00 worth of pure Depp love and much speculation……

  5. Anonymous Said:

    Every time I read one of your blogs I laugh out loud from some random word you use. Redonk did it this time.

    P.S. I am posting as Anonymous because I don’t know what any of the other choices mean.

  6. Patti Ford Said:

    I don’t know what they mean either!

  7. Ames Michelle Said:

    Do you have a British accent Patti? You do in my head when I read your stuff. 🙂

  8. Patti Ford Said:

    Nope! I don’t think I really have an accent. I am from the midwest.

  9. TeacherJ Said:

    I enjoyed the whole post but mainly towards the end because it really made me think. Why are Reese’s Pieces so horrible and Reese’s cups so delicious? And you know what else? I sometimes don’t make connections between things that are really, really obvious. And I had never made the connection that (I can’t believe I am typing this) they are in fact made by the same company. I just thought of them as such separate and totally different tasting items that it just flew right by me. I’m a weirdo.

  10. Anonymous Said:

    Because there is no chocolate, just the candy shell! Yuck!

  11. Anonymous Said:

    The best Reese’s cups are the ones they put out for the holidays shaped like eggs or trees and crap. For some reason, those always taste the best!

  12. Patti Ford Said:

    YES! Totally true. And I know why….aside from the PB to Choc ratio being different, they are fresher. The others have been on the shelves longer. Therefore the PB is softer. I am full of knowledge.

  13. Kristina Said:

    Lol I was thinking the same thing at the grocery store last night. They really do taste better. 🙂

  14. Sunshine Des Said:

    +1 for the increase chocolate to PB ratio! I LOVE the Easter egg ones, and the little individually wrapped ones at Christmas…The regular ones? Not so much

  15. Katy Brown Said:

    HOmygod. You are one of only two other people on the planet who remembers Marathon bars. You ARE a unicorn–hurray!

  16. Anonymous Said:

    Also, the ones in the two-pack taste the best for some reason. My all-time favorites are the ones are the Peanut Butter Lover ones that came out at Easter-time a few yrs. ago. Called the company to give my opinion (w/ the real motive of hoping for coupons or free ones but got neither and the bad news that they would be discontinued) and pointed out this Cup appeals to the market of people that just tolerate the chocolate (this used to be me until my older hormones started appreciating the chocolate.)And I HATE it when the PB is old and chalky.-Jamel Lawrason, Reese’s PB Cup Connoisseur

  17. Anonymous Said:

    “My name is Patti and I am addicted to American Pickers.”

    OH MY GOSH, I AM TOO!
    Melanie

  18. Anonymous Said:

    Hahaha I thought you were British for the longest time as well!!!

  19. justjennifer Said:

    Fanfrickentastic!!

  20. kstuck Said:

    I love AP too but the part that got me was your use of “kidnapper van”! I have always said that too and even have my kids saying it. Was there some after school special in the 80’s that made us relate vans without windows to kidnappers?

  21. kelly Said:

    you are just way to funny, its almost like your thoughts have a touch of adhd (in a good way) I to think you sound English but then I am biased as I am from England 🙂

  22. yourpalerin Said:

    If you REALLY loved Ricky, you’d have remembered that he called himself The Ricker. Ricksters are beach blonde douchebags in skinny jeans who’ve seen the youtube minisode of “Silver Spoons” where Ricky throws a romantic dinner for Edward and Kate, then dons a bushy, black mustache when he plays the Maitre’D. Ricksters dye their own pubic facial hair black like his, just to be ironic.

  23. Patti Ford Said:

    Actually, I forgot that he even called himself ANYTHING like that. Rickster OR Ricker. I was just thinking I was calling him an awesome name all on my own! My brain holds lots of stupid information that I will never ever need, but sometimes one or two stupid things get flushed.

  24. lorie Said:

    More people should have the ability to Entertain themselves half as well as your Brain – I actually Credit my ability to Entertain myself with maintaining my Sanity .. Sounds a bit strange – Maybe – However i have 2 Kids with ADHD – Lmbo helps daily .. And who knows maybe you will get to meet that Dirty Man one day – Go you ! ^_^

  25. Anonymous Said:

    Your blog is the only one I actually read. You crack me up and use some of the same words I do. I know exactly what they mean when you say them. Im also posting as anonymous because I don’t know what any of the others are.

  26. hippie_chick Said:

    “I can make anything about me-ese.” I speak that language too!!

  27. Sh!t, Poop and Pooh Said:

    Patti, as always, you make me roll with laughter! I love reading your blogs, as well as your FB posts.
    I am calling my doctor as we speak, to schedule an appointment to check my poster ink levels. As I also, was a giddy, drooling poster kisser in the ’80’s.
    Your humor is a blessing amid a world full of Prozac candidates.
    I am hoping you will get to go on your “pick” with your friend crush, Mike, and experience the elation of driving in a kidnap van, soon! 🙂
    Thank you, as I can count on laughing every time I read your blog or FB posts!

    Much ♥

    Gayle Brown-Maudlin

  28. Aeron Said:

    My hubs loves this show! He is forever taking me on crazy trips to some out there house owned by some loony somebody he met here or there…it can get a little chainsaw masacre-y but its worth the risk most of the time I’d say. We have found some really cool stuff…but then again my husband also fell through the floor of one of those creepy houses so…ya know 🙂

  29. Tami Eager Said:

    Patti,

    First of all, I’ve been to the Picker’s Shop! It was awesome, but rinky dink small. Also, my nine year old nephew grumped and pouted the whole time over a Mike bobblehead in the giftshop area. On a side note, he (my nephew…not Mike) picks out of my basement whenever he comes from NC for a visit to IL. His dad’s truck is full of basement crap when they make the trek back to NC. I did end up ordering my nephew the bobblehead for Christmas off of the website, but they mistakenly sent Danielle instead.

    Second, I just added you to my Pulse feed (are you familiar?) on my Kindle. This blog about the Pickers is the most recent blog listed. Somehow I don’t think this is right. I follow you on Facebook religiously, but as a New Year’s resolution, I wanted to be more informed, so I decided to use Pulse as my daily news source. I want to make sure you’re included. Is there somewhere else I need to go to add you. There were several options under Insane in the Mom Brain when I searched. Rude bastards! I just want you! Any help would be much appreciated!

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