August 23, 2012

So I’ve heard tell of people making “Left-over Casserole” with the entire contents of their fridge. This blog post is kinda like that. A bunch of miscellaneous, suspicious smelling crap that I threw together and baked at 450 for 35 minutes then let cool for 15 so it wouldn’t be runny.

Soooo…Ya know that moment when you’re lying in a pool chair, relaxing, reading a magazine, when suddenly you hear the spastic flapping of giant bird wings under your chair and you instantaneously have a flashback of the time a few years ago when a giant crow tried to kill you at the zoo and on his second kamikaze dive bomb of your head his feet got intertwined in your hair while he brutally and murderously pecked your noggin with his bloodthirsty beak so you convince yourself that your ass is about to get repeatedly beak raped by yet another psychotic bird and you jump up screaming and throw your magazine into the pool whilst simultaneously realizing that your right boob has popped out of your bikini top and that the murder bird was actually the wind blowing the empty bag of Funyuns that you devoured like you just got off of a Ghandi fast an hour before?

   Asshole of epic proportion.             Deliciousness of epic proportion.

You don’t know that moment, do you? Well, I do. And that’s how my day went today.

And Monday I got locked out of my house with a car full of groceries including but not limited to ice cream, frozen pizza, and cheese. Ya know, things that need to be housed in cold environments. But truth be told, at least once every few months I come home from the grocery store and am NOT locked out of the house but I DO forget I just came from the grocery store and forget to bring anything inside and instead let in all sit in the car and melt into a heap of grossness and idiocy. But Monday, about 5 minutes after realizing that I was locked out of my house, the medicine I had taken for the lapse in my clockwork constitutionals (AKA poopsies) decided to kick in. Which was a bummer. No pun intended. Because as you all know I am a girl who only likes MY toilet seat much like Sheldon Cooper only likes HIS part of the couch except he doesn’t go poopsies on his couch. I assume. That would so totally not be Sheldon-ish. At all. But I willed it away with much leg crossing and muscular squeezing and concentrating on other things like, oh, the discomfort of going #2 in my yard.

And this afternoon I decided to bake some cookies for The Boy and The Nephew and after I put a kajillion of them in the oven my sister-in-law called me and I got in an intense conversation about water levels and spring production with her and totally forgot that I was even baking anything in the first place and I burned the entire recognizeability out of those “cookies.” I mean, there’s burned and then there’s burned. And these things were burned like little Drew Barrymore got pissed at them kinda burned.

And if you don’t get that reference you are way too young and that annoys me cuz I am old.

Anyhows…

A few nights ago The Boy had a friend over to spend the night and around 2 am we had a big ass storm roll through and knock the power out. So after about a half an hour I decided to go wander around the house and make sure everything was okay because someone has to be on alert for shenanigans and burglary while The Hub gets his beauty sleep, and when I walked into the living room I noticed the boys were on the couch because The Friend was scared shitless of the storm situation. Then I realized I was in my unders cuz I didn’t think that two boys were gonna be sitting on my couch at 2 am, so after going to get some pants on (and passing the still comatose spouse) I saw that The Friend had packed his bag and brought it downstairs with him as if he was planning to get the hell outta Dodge or something so I explained that although our Dodge was having a storm, so was his Dodge (being as that it is in the same neighborhood), and so there really was no reason for him to hit the road as all roads were covered with wetness and lightning. So he said ok, and I took them both back upstairs but had to stay in the guest room next door so the lightning wouldn’t kill them. Or the ghosts. Whichever he was most scared of. The details are still sketchy. Alls I know for sure is that he saw me in my unders and The Boy found it hilarious and The Friend’s parents probably now think I am a perv.

So while I was laying in the guest room getting poked and prodded by The Cat who was super excited that she was in a bed with me since I lock her out of MY room, I was thinking about how sucky it is to not have power. I mean, it’s super duper sucky. When we had the hurricane a couple of years ago we were without power for about 10 days and that was pretty much apocalyptic in my book. I mean, if I’d had to fight zombies and stuff I probably woulda been less irritated. Cuz Houston is hot. And you need air. And beer needs a little old thing called refrigeration. Except for The Hub’s Guinness. But who the hell would drink a Guinness in an air-condition-less Houston summer? An asshole, that’s who. And then I started thinking about Pioneer people and how shitty they had it with their heat waves and their 8,000 layers of clothing and their homemade maxi pads and their spending 10 hours to make one freaking meal because there was NOTHING that you could buy at the store except for flour, sugar, and cornmeal and you pretty much had to hope that your chickens pooped out some eggs and that your cows were of the milky variety so that you could turn your 3 bags of nothingness into some kinda freaking dinner concoction and it takes, like, 6 hours to make a loaf of bread and then you realize WHOOPS we don’t have any butter so you have to go milk a cow and churn some of that stuff and by the time you’ve done all that your bread is stale.  Ain’t no frozen Totino’s Pizza in the olden days, you guys. Being a housewife blew some serious chunks. Making dinner like that every damn day while chasing a shitload of kids around because there wasn’t any birth control and it was better to stay pregnant than to use homemade tampons which I assume were made out of flour sacks or sheep wool or bark or something.

So I’m laying there thinking about all this olden days drama and getting all sad and frustrated for the pioneers when suddenly the power came back on just as The cat had gotten to Burrow Level 10 all up under my person. So I went back to bed, thankful as shit for my oscillating fan and white noise machine and air conditioner. And a few days later I booked a vacation to an eco-reosrt in Mexico that has no electricity. And don’t you worry, the irony is not lost on me. And I hope that was the proper use of irony. I learned from Alanis that people get all kinds of bitchy about that.

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19 Responses to “So I’ve heard tell of people making “Left-over Casserole” with the entire contents of their fridge. This blog post is kinda like that. A bunch of miscellaneous, suspicious smelling crap that I threw together and baked at 450 for 35 minutes then let cool for 15 so it wouldn’t be runny.”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    You’re a nut and hilarious. And I love it. Thanks for making me laugh out loud, especially since I feel like hell. :))

  2. Anonymous Said:

    Thanks for the blog!!! Totally hilarious…

  3. Laura Kennedy Said:

    Kudos on another super-dooper blog post, in spite of the carnal tunnel thing! I sincerely appreciate that you’re out there doin’ what you do! You keep me lighthearted during some heavy times when nothing else seems to cut through the weariness and drama. Rock on girl, you make a difference in my life everyday…not being mushy or anything, just sayin’…

  4. Lizz Rodriguez Said:

    youre too funny! I love your blog, and fan page on FB. I think of these things all the time, so im glad im not the only wierdo hahahaha

  5. Bonnie Wilkinson Said:

    I think about pioneer days sometimes too… That must’ve sucked hardcore. When my great grand father died in “the 90’s” I went to stay with my great grand mother for a few weeks. She had no A/C in the 1990’s in Channel View. I don’t mean it was out, I mean NO A/C! Not even a stinky window unit. I thought I was gonna die but I just sweated and stunk a lot. I think you used irony right. Have fun in Mexico, I hope you eat lots of yummy food ,see lots of eye candy(eye candy=see lots of hump day hopefuls) and find some cute shoes. <3 your writings you are my kind of people.

  6. underachieverblog Said:

    Your comment bit just told me I didn’t exist

  7. Kristen Mae Said:

    “Making dinner like that every damn day while chasing a shitload of kids around because there wasn’t any birth control and it was better to stay pregnant than to use homemade tampons which I assume were made out of flour sacks or sheep wool or bark or something.”

    Dear Jesus I am CRYING with laughter. You need to be famous! (But only if you want to; I saw your comments on the Prince Harry scandal.)

    The Hubs wants to move to Houston for job opportunities. I’ve never been to Houston, but I tell the Hubs it’s a horrible place to live, because that’s what I’ve heard, and besides, I like Florida, where we live now. What’s your opinion on Houston?

  8. Kristen Mae Said:

    I just wrote an awesome comment that got eaten by the internets. I’m so pissed. It basically boiled down to: You make me pee my pants with laughter and the Hubs wants to move to Houston but I don’t want to, and how do you like living in Houston?

    🙂

  9. cameron sims Said:

    you are sooooo fricken funny. i look forward to your rants every day. keep it up

  10. underachieverblog Said:

    Oh, so now I do exist. I think about stuff like this a lot of the time too. Were we in the same institution?

  11. belinda Said:

    OMGOSH !!! i was litterly screaming becausei was laughing so hard lol

  12. perkiwindy Said:

    FIRESTARTER!!!

  13. colleen Said:

    rofl … thought that giant ‘crow’ in the first part said ‘cow’ and i was like, wow, this really is like fridge casserole and i was so glad that you let it sit for 15 minutes before we cut it open, but then i realized i had had an ADHD moment and totally read it wrong, and after that it was more just like a really good run-on blog and i can relate, cuz one day it was my turn to be the after-school kook-aid mom (which i’m totally not) for my son’s friend AND his little sister (since when is it a package deal? anyways … ) and i went downstairs to change my shirt cuz it was suddenly roasting in my house, which there isn’t anything in my basement except my laundry room and my bedroom (cooler, quieter) so there wasn’t much reason (no reason at all) to have to worry about shutting the door or anything, except i turned around and yep, little sister was right there in the bedroom with me and got like a full frontal of my booberz (bra? what bra?) … so, where was i going? oh ya, i can totally relate about the unders.. way to go …

  14. The Angry Housewife Said:

    Nice Ass

  15. Anonymous Said:

    You are freaking hilarious!! You had me rolling….thank you for making me laugh out loud and cry from that laughter!

  16. Work in Progress Said:

    So I came here because Humble guest blogged and I wanted to read it. Once I finished I decided to snoop a bit (because secretly I’m a nosy bitch but it isn’t impolite when it’s posted online for everyone to see :-D) and about peed my pants reading this. My fave part was when you talked about the pioneer women. Man that had to suck. Oh, and though I never saw Firestarter, I knew exactly what you meant. 🙂

  17. Anonymous Said:

    As usual, very funny.

  18. Diane G Said:

    It’s like you’re in my head except you can actually write all this stuff down! I’m so relieved to know I’m not the only boob popping bird freak (except mine was a Japanese beetle)

  19. Anonymous Said:

    I am from a reservation with no electricity, phone lines, stores, or such coolness. There IS a one.lane, dead end highway leading you to and from the area…we.net fish for salmon, have frequent skunk invasions in our home and all.sorts of.shenanagins…wanna visit? I am SURE you will gather mucho bolg materials 🙂

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