August 16, 2012

I have 50,000 Facebook Readers. So I’m gonna give away some stuff. Why? Who knows. Maybe cuz I drank an energy drink today and things are ever so quickly going awry.

It’s celebration time! 

I just hit 50,000 “fans” on my Facebook page. 

And most of my Facebook people already know how I HATE calling them “fans” because it makes me feel like a mega-douche. Like I think I’m famous or something. Which I am so totally not. So I was calling them my “likers” since they had to officially click “like” on my Facebook page in order to see me in their newsfeed. But autocorrect just LOVES to be a practical joker a-hole and change “liker” to “licker” and that was causing a whole other mess of problems. It kinda makes your page take on a whole new meaning when you talk about having 50,000 lickers. And my page? So totally not that kind of page. Unicorns, tiny animals, cotton candy, fantasies about snuggling and fighting zombies with Norman Reedus? Yes. 50,000 people licking me? No. That’s just so totally not ok. I like to keep the amount of people who are allowed to lick me to a minimum. Perhaps around 49,324. Give or take a few.

So first of all I wanna thank all of you Facebook fans for sharing me and interacting on my page and sending me sweet email and just generally being so awesome and giving a poop about my stupid daily stories and rants and nonsense. I never thought having a Facebook page would be so much fun. I have met cool, hilarious people and I have enjoyed every minute of it. And although I have never been one to ask for pimps or care about my numbers, I admit that hitting 50,000 is pretty cool and definitely something I never expected to happen. It’s cool because for some reason 50,000 people are letting me entertain them and make them laugh and smile. How nice is that? But rest assured: Getting bigger numbers doesn’t make me feel like a hot shot or whatever. I’m soooo not that douchebag. I don’t crave big numbers. I like a small club. What I do crave is getting the email from you guys about how I have brightened your day and made you giggle. That’s it. Nothing else. 

Ok, maybe Modelo. I DO crave Modelo.

Anyways…If there’s one thing I like, it’s dry humping. But if it’s another thing I like, it’s giving away awesome stuff. And making people compete for the awesome stuff. And then saying sike! And keeping all of the awesome stuff for myself. 

That was a joke. I would never do that. Probably. Ok, maybe if I was having PMS and AMC just cancelled The Walking Dead and avocados went extinct and the Modelo factory burned down, or something like that. But probably not even then. Cuz I’m not an a-hole like that.

So now for the contest. 

First, put your thinking caps on. Here’s mine:

It totally makes me all thinkery and stuff.

I am going to give away prizes to 2 people. And you guys have 2 ways to enter, so listen up.

1) Send me a photo of yourself surprise buttsecksing/humping something or someone. Kinda like this:

Notice the look of determination on my face. Give it your all, people.  Give it your all.

2) Submit a drawing, painting, computer generated cartoon of me. Something quirky. Something cutesy. Something colorful. Something that fits in with the themes of my blog and Facebook page. Something I might wanna use on my blog or Facebook page. Be creative. 

I will choose one winner from each category and you will both get a Patti Care Package which is really a quite fascinating package filled with what some might call useless wastes of money, but I call complete Xanadu-ic Nirvana. 

Send entries to me at
The last date I will accept them will be September 14th.
I will announce the winners on September 30th. 

Good Luck!

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26 Responses to “I have 50,000 Facebook Readers. So I’m gonna give away some stuff. Why? Who knows. Maybe cuz I drank an energy drink today and things are ever so quickly going awry.”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    I love your page

  2. Christine Said:

    Are residents of Canada aloud to enter? one time I entered a contest and won and then they saw that I am from Canada and told me no prize for you Canadian girl ….it made me sad AND mad because they didn’t have it in their rules that there were no Canadians aloud!!

  3. Patti Ford Said:

    Yes! Of course they are. Extra points for a Moose or one of those Mounties.

  4. Amye Said:

    How F-ED UP IS THAT??
    You can’t win because you’re from Canada?
    I would have been SO PISSED!

  5. Playful Pandora Said:

    some asshat probably didn’t want to fork out the extra $$$ for shipping.

  6. Blondie McBaffled Said:

    This is an awesome idea. Hmmm…now where’d I leave my thinking cap…

  7. Nicola Said:

    Ha ha ha, Patti I love your thinking cap and your thinkery expression is just beautiful. You do make me laugh every day and although I’m not sure that I like sharing you with so many new people, I am very happy that everyone recognises what great taste I have in funny!. XXX

  8. Jonie Binni Said:

    I’m gonna win the shit out of this contest. There’s nothing I won’t fake-hump or draw.

  9. LizToni Said:

    O Im so excited for this I’ve been wanting to take a picture with this statue I saw of an old man slightly bent over on a corner downtown Rapid City SD. I will be sending it to you asap.

  10. Alison W. Said:

    That pic of you is hilarious!!! The one of you dry humping the cow I mean. LMFAO

  11. Anonymous Said:

    You are awesome Miss Lady, your twisted sense of humor mirrors my own and I find myself “loling” to your posts. Its not very easy to crack me up. Yours is by far my favorite facebook page, thanks for the smiles! Now im off to dry hump something, have a great day.

  12. Patti Ford Said:

    Thank you! xo

  13. Alondra Elizabeth Osuna Said:

    I live in Mexico so I wont be participating but I think you’re awesome! Salud!

  14. Patti Ford Said:

    Thank you!

  15. Marion Said:

    i live waaay out east. like asia east. singapore actually. can i still join? :-S

  16. Patti Ford Said:

    You can join but I can’t send you prizes….

  17. Amye Said:

    I wish we could see ALL the entries!
    I bet they’re hilarious!

  18. Nicole Said:

    I will hopefully not procrastinate and forget to do this.. BUT in case I do, are you going to be posting any/all of the entries? I feel they would be inappropriate and therefore amazing.

  19. Patti Ford Said:

    Yes I will post the top 3-5.

  20. ♥ß∃∀υ₮iƒuL| DIs∀sⓣ∃я♥ Said:

    Im totally in. Now to find something to hump.. 😛

  21. Jewell-o-rama Said:

    I am so happy I found your facebook page- then your blog posts- now THIS! I laugh silently to myself everyday at work, and think, “When I grow up, I’m gonna be just like this chick.” Then I think, “Hey, I’m 36, I think the time for that has passed.” And then I get all sad and reminiscenty for what? I’m not sure, but- Then…. I keep reading, and I feel much better, so THANKS!!! (I’m totally entering this contest)

  22. Anonymous Said:

    I won’t enter because a widespread pic of a pediatric nurse and surprise buttsex might be a questionable career move. Same reason I turned down that prostitution job in college… I’m also creatively challenged so I’m not entering the contest.
    But your Xanadu-ic Nirvana description of the prize makes me want to sing both Xanadu and Nirvana for the winner.
    PS After your Ellen dance post, you should invite her and get some exposure. Exposure…buttsex.

  23. Laura Shehan Said:

    Surprise buttsex! It’s on baby!!!

  24. Anonymous Said:

    I think Blondie McBaffled had better find her thinking cap very quickly. Otherwise, someone else may do so, and perform surprise buttsex upon it, then enter and win with HER thinking cap! SO not fair, that would be. ;P

  25. stacie p. Said:

    A colleague of mine dry humps me regularly. Could I set up a hidden camera and catch him in the act and still win for myself?

  26. amalanotte Said:

    I’m pretty sure I won. Cuz I’m all creative and awesome n shit 🙂

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