July 11, 2012

This is post about what I’ve done so far this summer. Well, some of what I’ve done so far this summer. Because I only had 15 minutes to write it because I am super procrastinatey and lazy.

Hi. My name is Patti. This here is my blog. Since I have been super sporadic about posting on here lately, I thought it best if I re-introduce myself just in case you forgot who I am. And although I like to think that there is no way in hell that you could ever possibly forget about me (I do like to fancy myself memorable, kinda like that weirdo you made out with in the 9th grade that humped your leg and told you that you smelled like Pixie Sticks), I also know that lots of my readers are actually readers of mine because of the simple fact that they are ding dongy, forgetful, spastic, goofy, weirdos like I am. So basically I assumed that everyone could use a reminder. Even me. Because sometimes I get so wrapped up in the life inside my head (And the life on my FB page. And oh! Real life.) that I even forget that I HAVE a blog. Queen of Spaciness at your service.

My long time readers know that I get extra spacey about posting in the summers because (a) I travel a lot, and (b) The Boy is home, and when The Boy is home there is constant noise. Constant. Noise. And although I totally dig his little ditties and his trash talking on his X-box headphones, and his constant narration of everything he is doing from eating breakfast to taking a poo, it does tend to get on my nerves just the ever so tiniest bit. And by ever so tiniest bit I mean a big ass, honking, mega giant, monstrosity of a bit. And The Hub will read this and say “You know…all those things you said that The Boy does to annoy you are the same exact things that you do to annoy me.” And ya know what? He’s totally right. But in my mind that dude took a vow to find everything that I do adorable. I took no such vow for The Boy. If anything, The Boy owes me some quiet thinkery/bloggity  time because of the fact that I cooked him up and pushed him out and fed him and watered him and one time when he was a baby he peed in my face. There was no vow. None.

So far this summer I have gone on a Mexican vacation with The Hub and The Boy. Parts of it were awesome and parts of it totally sucked balls. But hey…It was Mexico and it was beautiful so even the sucky parts were still good. Except the food. The food at the resort sucked ballsacks (Tripadvisor here I come).

Me, The Boy and The Hub floating down a river that was cold as caveman balls.

After Mexico The Boy and I went to Missouri so that he could spend time with my dad and I could go on a float trip with my girlfriends. The same two girlfriends that I wrote about last summer. Ya know, the one that chews Skoal and left Mr. Pickle in the hot car, and the one that only poops once a month and lied to me about the Goaticorns and sent me and Skoal girl out into the wilderness to try to get us lost or murdered (you can read a bit about that mess here)

So anyways I rented a cabin in the deep deep deep deep scary-ass woods for my friends and I to stay in for a few days. Let me just say this: I have been in lots of woods, but these were some kinda mega woods. On the nighttime drive out there we saw about every kind of animal that Missouri has to offer, plus some kind of ghost/shadow wolf situation straight out of an episode of Ghost Hunters. Seriously. Jason and Grant would have had a field day out there. And the cabin was in an area that looked super Deliverance-y. Banjos were playing and all that crap. I mentioned that it felt a lot like The Hills Have Eyes and then I told the girls about that one episode of The X-Files where that in-bred family kept the legless/armless mom under the bed on a skateboard thingy and wheeled her out when they needed to reproduce or just get their inbred rocks off  and that I was 99.7% sure that by morning we were gonna be stumps tied to skateboards in the cellar of some dude who has an extra eyeball and a siamese twin growing out of his buttcheek like a creepy little ass-puppet. 

So we all got scared. 

But then Margaret mentioned the fact that she and Crystal had their baby making parts removed and I had my tubes tied so the inbreds were totally barking up three wrong boobie trees if they were looking for baby makers on wheels. But then we thought “How will they know that? Because we do look very young and vital, ya know.” So I decided we should leave a note on the door telling them the facts so that they didn’t waste their time kidnapping us and stuff only to suffer the complete and utter disappointment of learning that we could not cook up their creepy 2-headed hillbilly babies. But then Margaret pointed out that they probably couldn’t read, because even though the in-bred hill dude of my imagination has 3 eyes, there’s no way in hell he ever went to school. Book learnin’ ain’t so portant when ya gots squirrels ta kill an make into soup an hats an mittens an stuff. So then I decided we should draw a picture of a pregnant lady with an X through the belly. But then I figured that they may just think we mean “No Fatties.” So then I had the genius idea to draw 3 girls and then a baby with an X through it, and we all agreed than even inbreds might possibly understand what that meant. But we didn’t have any tape to stick it to the door with. Plus, we were afraid to open the door to stick it up there even if we DID have tape, because if there weren’t inbreds around there were probably at least a few zombies and zombies move really really fast and could get in that door in a flash. So we just totally chucked that whole sign idea, took some sleepy meds, drank some beer, passed out, and thankfully survived the night and were able to go on our float trip the next day.

Crystal, Me, Margaret.

And since Margaret didn’t like that picture because she thinks she looks super old I am now going to post a photo of myself from the float trip in which I was doing a post-float-trip-beer-belly-pelvic-thrust-butt-spanking-dance and I look super idiotic. I am hoping that this will make her feel better about the fact that I did not take her feelings into account and posted the photo that she hates of herself.
Notice my float trip beer coozie of complete and utter awesomeness. NOTICE IT!

And since I’m just kind’ve a troublemaker and stuff I’m gonna now post a photo of Crystal that she doesn’t like. Just so we are all even.

This is Crystal in high school being all drunk and sick while I was being all caring and supportive and stuff by taking her photo and laughing at her.

And now I am late for an appointment and out of time and have to bring this post to a close. And I didn’t even get to tell you guys about the guy who worked at the float trip place who we mercilessly flirted with and pretty much sexually harassed the hell out of and then found out he was only 16 (they grow them manly in Missouri). Or the fact that Crystal was about 8 hours late meeting me to get supplies and drive out to the cabin and how I threatened to kill her, throw acid on her grandma’s flower garden (after pooping in it), and how I said “I’ve known your grandma since I was 11 and she’s a sweet sweet lady, but fuck your grandma” to her when she had gotten super super late and I was near the point of going on a murderous rampage. I don’t have time for all that now cuz I gotta pack for yet another trip. So I will continue this later. I SWEAR. And until then you can always keep tabs on me on Facebook. Except for those of you who are living in Little House On The Prairie times and have no Facebook account and are reading this on a library PC. You people will just be SOL.

Until next time…

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8 Responses to “This is post about what I’ve done so far this summer. Well, some of what I’ve done so far this summer. Because I only had 15 minutes to write it because I am super procrastinatey and lazy.”

  1. ilikebeerandbabies.com Said:

    Ain’t no party like a float trip party cuz a float trip party don’t…

  2. 8177dcec-cc29-11e1-adff-000f20980440 Said:

    I LOVE this – you are SOOO FUNNY!!! Thanks for the laughs!

  3. Smothered, covered, chunked Said:

    Yay. I healds my breath the whole time I was reading that because I feel like if you were saying this to me in person, you probably wouldn’t take a breath…at least that’s what I think…. A little lightheaded over here, but glad I’m alive to read the next blog ❤

  4. unsweetenedtea Said:

    I think I need a float trip party… because if I disappear to Mexico, I’m not taking any kids with me, and I’m not guaranteeing I’ll ever return.

  5. JBurkett Said:

    I love reading your blog and posts on fb. Made my hub read one of your posts and he now thinks I’m not the only crazy, spastic, forgetful woman in the world

  6. Anonymous Said:

    You stole my dance! 🙂

  7. Anonymous Said:

    I’m checking this out , on Mrs Klondike request , but I to am late my hat I must wear & there’s messages being left I must c. So far it’s been fun?

  8. Nicole Said:

    haha you are too funny. I am glad you had a good time in the spooky ass cabin and all your other adventures. I’m writing to ask if it’s okay that I made a button and linked you under my favorite bloggers.. if it’s not I’ll take it down, just let me know!

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