July 25, 2012

Spiderpocalypse 3. Ya know how usually by the time a movie gets to part 3 it pretty much sucks balls and is nowhere near as shocking or amazing or terrifying as the the first one was? That’s so totally not how this went down. At all.

Thursday, July 12th 2012.

Approximately 10:00 am.

Or something like that.

I don’t know for sure.

Because after the events of that morning, time ceased to matter.

As a matter of fact, after the events of that morning, a lot of things ceased to matter.

After the events of that morning, my carefree, willy nilly, “look at all the shiny things” kinda life changed.

I no longer have the luxury of letting my gaze turn wistfully towards something shiny.

Oh. Hell. To. The. No.

There’s not a heck of a lot of willy nilly-ness going on around here either.

I am constantly and forever going to be on freaking HIGH ALERT.

In my daily life I am always on alert for sudden zombies. As we all should be, considering it’s freaking imminent and whatnot.

But my daily Zombie Alert system is such a normal part of my life that it’s just melded into my personality.

I am alert, yet I can still function like a regular person.

Well, as regular a person as I’m capable of being anyways.

Last night I was walking some trails with my mom when I had that sudden zombie feeling. And although we didn’t end up seeing anything but a few geese, I’m almost positive that there was something going on in those woods. Since my mom accidentally sat on a condom on one of the park benches recently, there is very slight chance that what I heard/sensed was just some horny teenagers getting their woodland freaks on or something . But there is an even bigger ass chance that it was Zombies.

But my new alert is much higher that my Zombie Alert.

It’s at a level 10. And that’s high as shit. Because even a level 1 for me is higher than a regular person’s. I am the Chuck Norris of alertiness. My alertiness is mega hard-core. Like, take your highest ever alertiness and multiply it by infinity and add a gallon of awesomesauce and a Chuck Norris kick to the balls, and that’s how much more alert I am than you.

MY level 10 is the “Holy Shitcakes/You Will Never Ever Recover From This” level.

And it’s all because of those GD spiders.

It was a busy morning. I was in the midst of a “Patti Waits ‘Till The Last Minute Pack-A-Thon” for our trip to Missouri, and I was trying to shower and get my shit together. Suddenly The Boy started yelling at me from the other room because there was a spider on the door. I almost flipped out until I saw that it was quite tiny, at which point I was all tough and like “This little thing?” and I grabbed a tissue so I could squish it. Then it jumped. And although that freaked me out a little bit, I still stayed calm and took care of business like a champ.

As I was walking through my bedroom about 10 minutes later, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. It was a big ass spider in the middle of my floor. It was about the size of a half dollar. Which is about the size of the nuggets that I was about to poop because that is a big enough spider to scare the shit out of me. I called The Boy in for back-up, which consisted of him standing in the doorway yelling at the top of his lungs while I sprayed the spider with Sebastian Shaper Hairspray and pounded him into oblivion with The Hub’s heaviest shoe. (And believe me, I have tested all of his shoes solely for this purpose. MY closet -being mostly filled with flip flops- is useless in the spider killing arena. Plus, I don’t want arachnid guts on MY shoes.)

About 10 minutes after THAT episode, I was on the phone with my sister-in-law while packing up my bathroom stuff, when I suddenly sensed that I was being watched. With a feeling of imminent doom, I slowly turned towards the shower, and there it stood. The Jaws of the arachnid world. This spider:

“Hi. I am an asshole. I will fuck up your entire mental well-being and then have babies in your underwear drawer.”


So I did what any normal human being would do. I freaked the freak out. Big time. My sister-in-law must have thought there was a murderous hobo zombie dressed as a clown coming at me with a machete in one hand and a chainsaw in the other, which I honestly would have preferred. I’m not even being dramatic. That is how I really feel. Spiders are my Kryptonite. Well, spiders and John Denver. If you ever wanna do me in then train a spider to sing Rocky Mountain High and let him loose in my abode. Mission. Accomplished.

At this point I totally started freaking the f@ck out. Then I remembered that I had some Hot Shot Spider Killer under the kitchen sink, so I ran to get it, yelling for The Boy to come and help me. But guess what? After I told The Boy that Spider Jaws was in my bathroom, he refused to cross the threshold.

And let me just pause here and say this:

When my OBGYN told me that I was giving birth to a penis, I thought to myself “there go all those mani/pedi’s and tea parties, but at least I’ll have a spider killer in my midst.” What a load of crap THAT dream was. Because as it turns out, my little dude wants ZERO to do with saving my ass from creepy crawlies.

Since The Boy was being a useless turd, I handed him the phone (my sister-in-law was still on the line, confused as all f@ck), and ran back into the bathroom. And guess the hell what? Spider Jaws was gone. So yeah, I freaked the freak out some more, then jumped in the tub so I could survey the area whilst in a protective moat of sorts. After a heart pounding minute or so, I spotted him over by the shower and went balls to the wall spray-a-rama on his ass with my Hot Shot while I screamed bloody murder from the empty bathtub and The Boy screamed bloody murder into my sister-in-law’s ear.

And guess what happened next.

A nightmare of the most epic proportions.

Something that you hear about while sitting by a campfire as a dude in a hockey mask stalks you from the woods.

Something that is so horrifying that the human mind can’t even believe it to be real.

A shitload of  baby spiders started running all over the freaking bathroom, abandoning ship after being pummeled with the spider spray. There were tons of them running in all directions. It was so shocking to my human eyeballs that I went a bit comatose for a minute. The horror that I was witnessing wasn’t even registering in my brain. I could not even begin to come to terms with what my eyeballs were seeing. I imagine that’s how people react during major traumatic experiences like war, mass murders, and Justin Bieber concerts. But this was probably worse. Because duh, we’re talking about spiders here. And it happened to me. And everything’s exponentially worse when it happens to me.

When I finally begin to consciously realize the unspeakable horror that was taking place right in front of me, I snapped to it and started spraying the spray all over my damn bathroom while screaming words so foul I’m sure The Boy would have aged a good 20 years instantaneously had he actually heard any of them. Which he didn’t, since he was still in the living room screaming bloody murder, even though he never actually laid eyes on Spider Jaws himself.

Eventually, after what seemed like a thousand shitty lifetimes, Spider Jaws was barely moving. Since he looked extremely physically compromised, I got a little ballsy and jumped out of the tub, ran to the office, grabbed the big ass college dictionary, then ran back to the bathroom where I then dropped it on Spider Jaws and proceeded to jump up and down on it for  5 minutes while yelling “Die! Die! Die!” and “Holy Shit!” on a loop. And the entire time I am jumping up and down on this book, the 2 inches of Hot Shot that I flooded my bathroom with was splashing everyf@ckingwhere. I including on my skin, which will probably erupt in weird growths and protrusions at some point in the near future. Maybe I’ll grow a tiny little twin out of my ankle or some awesome shit like that. Which would really be a great way for The Universe to pay me back for the hell I’ve just had to endure.

After about 5 minutes of jumping, I sprayed the dictionary and vicinity with even more Hot Shot for good measure.

Better safe than sorry.

And better a one-eyed, snaggle toothed little ankle twin than a spider any old day.

After I was fairly certain everything was dead, I went into the kitchen to try to gain some semblance of composure and wash the poison off of my hands.

And guess what happened then?

There was a GD spider standing next to my GD sink looking at me like “What the fuck did you just do, bitch? What. The. Fuck. Did. You. Just. DO???” So I crushed him with a book and put him in the disposal then we threw our shit in the car and got the hell outta dodge.

And I swear to Sweet Baby Jeebus on a tilt-a-whirl, I didn’t stop shaking for 5 days. And scratching. I look like some kind of psycho tweaker. Even now I’m still swatting at things that aren’t there. And I’m constantly scanning the perimeter at ALL times. It’s like I’m looking through some sort of Robocop or Terminator eyeball situation where I see a computer screen that can detect any oddities, movements, or arachnid activity of any kind within a 50 foot radius of me.

I told you.

I am on high freaking alert, you guys.

And It’s starting to take a toll.

It’s like Nam, or something. I keep having flashbacks and bouts of the shakes and involuntary spasms when I think about what happened. I definitely have arachnid induced PTSD.  I’ve been away from home for a few weeks but I have to go back to that house in a few days, and I’m scared. The only reason that I have any hope of a normal life is because my cat sitting friend let the bug guys into my house and they supposedly attacked the situation full force. Which in my mind would have been burning the house down, re-building it out of solid metal, then putting it on electrified stilts 30 stories high. But in their minds it was just some old-fashioned spraying and stuff. But my friend has sworn on her life that she hasn’t seen any spiders on the premises. Which is some freaking good ass news.

Plus, she texted me this photo of The Cat a few days ago:

I really like to think that if there was still a Spiderpocalypse 3 going on at my house, The Cat wouldn’t be sitting around masturbating with a tennis ball. So this photo makes me hopeful that all is well.

In case you missed it, this shit has happened before:
Spiderpocalypse Part 1
Spiderpocalypse Part 2

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26 Responses to “Spiderpocalypse 3. Ya know how usually by the time a movie gets to part 3 it pretty much sucks balls and is nowhere near as shocking or amazing or terrifying as the the first one was? That’s so totally not how this went down. At all.”

  1. CrAzYmOmMa Said:

    Hahahahahahaha!! Patti, you are Hilarious! I feel the same way about Roaches, which we have a lot of here in Florida. A Lot Of!!! Hopefully the bug guys cured your spider problem and you can return home in peace. Good Luck!

  2. Jennifer Said:

    OMG. You are so much like my Mom!!! She is the same way! I really hope when you go back home there are no creepy crawlies and the only thing you need to worry about is your bikicorn and some zombies. 🙂

  3. Genie Said:

    Glad your cat is having a good time. You should come to Australia and see the arachnids we have to put up with.

  4. Anonymous Said:

    Omg I love your posts I am in tears. I myself am a person who suffers frim arachnaphobia and your experiences remind of some of the stories people tell about me its funny when its someone else. Thank you for sharing.

  5. Mrs. Mighty Guinn Said:

    Omg I can somewhat relate to you on this matter! About 2 weeks ago I got into the shower and up by the curtain rod was a big one, BIG! And so I grabbed the closest thing to try to kill it with, happened to be a shampoo bottle which I knew if I killed it with that bottle it would have to be thrown out, so I raise the bottle and this freaking spider jumped closer to me and when I jumped and screamed back it moved back to its little spot, this went on for several minutes before my hubby decided to come in and see what I was screaming about, I know he waited as long as he could before the big D papers would’ve been drawn up because he was waiting soooo long to check on me! He had no problems killing it but that thing kept moving closer to me every time I tried! Also had an encounter with a gigantic one while on vacation that when squished all of its babies ran in all directions, that time it was just myself, my mom and my oldest daughter! Scary!!

  6. Karin Price Said:

    Holy crap I’m in tears. I’m a first time reader and I am LOVING you! We are kindred spirits in the bug department. I don’t handle them well. Just last month, I had my own version of “Ants Go Marching” right up my bathroom sink drains. After fumigating drains and bathroom with Raid, I made drain seals on shower, tub and sinks out of Colgate. Overkill? I don’t think so.

    Great post. Looking forward to more!

  7. Blondie McBaffled Said:

    Patty, this sounds like me with roaches. Spiders I can handle…roaches, I think not. Though I’ve laughed my ass off at your expense, it’s nice to know there’s someone out there as neurotic as myself when it comes to creepy crawlers. Good luck with the PTSD…that shit can last for years, assuming you ever heal from the trama.

  8. Pauline B Jones Said:

    LOL! I’ve been known to go a little crazy about bugs, too. A little as in a lot.

  9. helen Said:

    Patti you have made my day!!!

  10. Anonymous Said:

    I am also scared to death of any damn bug!!! I have two boys that also don’t love me or care if the bugs attack my juggular. I once screamed and cried.for a.good 20 minutes before my lazy ass 22 year old jerk of a son got off the couch to kill a freakin 20 pound spider. Then he left the guts and shit for me to clean up. If i would have known this 22 years ago, I would have.sold this damn kid on the black market and bought me a Louis Vuitton.

  11. Charity Said:

    As a fellow spider-hater/phobic I can tell you the best thing I have found for killing the dirty evil little basturds…OVER CLEANER!!! The little spider spawn would never have survived the oven cleaner long enough to crawl off of their “mother”, if that is what you can call anything that can give birth to such awful creatures.

  12. Sherrie, Sherrie Said:

    This is beyond hysterical… both the “I’m never gonna sleep again” kinda of hysteria and the “certifiably funny” kind!! I can’t stand the bastards. But I have to tell ya… my son does kill spiders for me. 😉 Sorry for your misfortune. When he went off to college I was fucked. It was just me and my daughter screaming our heads off much like your story here!!

  13. Rhona Quigley Said:

    Finally got around to reading this. So funny! Poor spiders (would you not just trap them in a glass and set them free?), but soooo funny!

  14. Dru Said:

    You. Are. Awesome. 🙂

  15. Anonymous Said:

    Come to Australia we have kickarse spiders, and my 18 year old screams like a bitch and I have to dispose of them, he is also afraid of moths. Picture 6’4’built like a tank screaming! LOL

  16. Anonymous Said:

    one of the funniest things I have ever read but must say I would have probably ran outta the house screaming rather than deal with that!

  17. Anonymous Said:

    Oh LAWDY girl!! I laughed so hard my husband came to see what was so funny. He just rolled his eyes hahaha. THAT was so friggn hilarious!!! I too am afraid of the “eight-legged-freaks”, to the point of almost wrecking the vehicle when one decides to descend from the overhead visor. Oh hell no those suckers will NOT survive the next change-the-face-of-the-earth climate event or whatever disaster awaits us if I have MY way.I am also awaiting the Zombie apocolypse, although I am afraid to say my zombie intuition may not be as strong as yours. I am doomed lol. Thank you for the laugh, it was much needed. You have a lovely way with words!! 😀

  18. Bonnie Wilkinson Said:

    I feel you on this one… TOTALLY! I spray them with bleach. It totally works. I was a weenie and I didn’t squish them though but my husband says even after bleaching a squishing must happen to insure they are no longer able to regenerate and seek revenge… I have modified my spider assassination technique to include pulverizing … I might add shouting “finish him/her” just for style points, I don’t know. I’m not saying your son is a butthole for not killing them for you but he needs to nut up and join the team, we can’t to this alone.

  19. Abandoning Pretense Said:

    I was laughing through the whole post and then when I scrolled down to the pic of the cat masturbating with the tennis ball I peed myself a little.

    I like Bonnie’s idea of spraying spiders with bleach. I’ve used hairspray before, that also works.


  20. Megan Vasquez Said:

    This story made me regress in the progress i had made. I am severly afraid of spiders. My worst moment i had was just after my husband moved out and my son and i were the only 2 in the house. He was only 2yrs old at the time. I was trying to pet my rabbit when all of a sudden the ugly thing came out of nowhere. I ran screaming into my kitchen where i decided to pace for the next 5 hours until someone came to my rescue only to find no spider. I began to think that maybe it was a hallusination but i was wrong. My mother-in-law found it days later still dwelling in the.rabbit cage.

  21. Anonymous Said:

    I accidentally found your page and then clicked this blog…. You are my hero!! LOL you’re like a fired up version of my phobias (roaches) LOL keep it coming!!

  22. Anonymous Said:

    OMG… that is just too funny. You seriously crack me up. I think i almost peed myself alittle. I was laughing so hard at the “what. did. you. just. do” when i scrolled to see the cat masturbating with the tennis ball and i nearly lost it.. too funny. Thank you for making my day that much better.

  23. Amber Said:

    I want to laugh so hard at this but I just can’t bring myself to do it, as I was in a similar, not funny at all, situation. There I was, coming home from a long day of teaching children of the corn their ABC’s and not to poop their pants. As I am walking down the sidewalk, I see the mother of all spiders. This fucker was huge. Like he was probably the Godzilla of the insect world. So this mother fuckers coming at me like a Kenyan Olympic champion. I can see the look of death in its beady little eyes. So I puff my chest and decide to show this fucker who is boss. I raise my foot and say, “Bring it on Mofo, come at me if you dare.” Bitch was ballsy so it kept coming. So BAM! I stepped on that fucker. I’m thinking, “Ya! What? Huh? Told you not to go there!” Then I look down.. And I see Spidergeddon. Baby spiders. EVERYWHERE. You’d think that a size 10 shoe to the face would have killed them huh? WRONG. Those babies were fuckin monsters. They must have been equipped with some baby spider armor shit. So there they are. What seemed like millions of baby spiders running in EVERY direction. Probably running up my foot and leg like, “HAHA FUCKER! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR KILLING MY MOM!” Needless to say, I turned from Spider Hunter into a 2nd grade wee little school girl. I screamed at the top of my lungs, alerting my neighbors as to what a major problem I had just issued. I panicked and then went into a seizure type, crazy dance move, involving my arms flailing above my head which I assumed looked like one of those blow up guys with their arms going all over the place. Then I ran in my house, locked the door, and lined it with spider killer. I am sure glad that I am not the only one who has experienced such a tragedy.

  24. Anonymous Said:

    First visit & I’m forever changed. Great story telling, crazy cat pic, perfect discription of a total horror, back to the cat pic. Seriously dude, what’s wrong with your cat?!
    Looking forward to reading more!

  25. Amber Woods Said:

    I have had to leave my house and go to my daughters to KILL SPIDERS!!!! She is terrified and WILL NOT even KILL them just stands outside and waits for me! Great story!

  26. Melissa Said:

    OMG can I relate to this. When I was pregnant with my son we lived in an apartment that was INFESTED with these disgusting white nocturnal spiders. They were always on the ceiling and were lightening fast when you tried to kill them. One even dropped on my head as I was puking one day. We were building our house and were stuck there. I was a basket case..would not go out on the porch at night without an umbrella b/c they would DROP on your head!!! One night it took me two hours to vacuum one off the ceiling…Dear god I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it. Anyway we finally moved only to find out that our CARS were infested toO. Had to trade both in and I’m not exaggerating. I was so afraid we’d bring the spiders to our new house. When I finally went into labor my husband was all shitty to me when I woke him up in the middle of the night because he thought I was waking him up to kill a spider (which I did pretty much every night for a year straight). If that man didn’t divorce me then he never will!!!!!!! Anyway, I’m psychologically scarred, I can’t even look at your pictures!!! I HATE SPIDERS!

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