May 16, 2012

Things I would do with a Nigerian Pygmy Goat

Seriously, you guys. What wouldn’t I do with a freakin’ Nigerian Pygmy Goat? That’s the better question. Am I right? Especially this particular happy, smiley one. But I am going to go the route of listing the things that I WOULD do. Why? Because listing the things that I wouldn’t do with a Nigerian Pygmy Goat doesn’t really make for a very long blog. And although -truth be told- there isn’t enough time in what remains of my life to even possibly begin to to list all of the things that I would do with this fantastical creature, I am going to try my best to list a few because I am a firm believer that if you put something out there into The Universe, The Universe just might hear it and totally decide to be awesome and give you that something that you put out there. Kinda like a vision board, but less dorky Oprah-y and more cool-y Patti-y.

 1)  I would hug him and squeeze him and call him Otto Boomerang. He would be my best friend. Just don’t tell my 27 other best friends. Cuz they all think they are my only one. I like to make people feel special. It’s super nice of me.

 2)  I would walk him on a leash like a little puppy. But, like, a bazillion times cuter. Cuz DUH! He’s a muthaflippin’ Nigerian Pygmy Goat! And instead of barking at people he would be all baa baa or hee haw or whatever the heck it is that goats do. But more pygmy-ish and stuff. Kinda like if the producer of those noises had just sucked all the helium out of a balloon. Really cute and midgety sounding like that. And when he would go poops I wouldn’t have to pick it up like you do with your dog poops, because goats eat everything, so he would just go poops and then totally eat it. Which would not only save me from doing something gross like having to touch a steaming pile-o-poo with just a thin-ass plastic barrier, but also save me money on buying those damn bags.
 3)  I would take him to Target Portrait Studio. I mean, duh. Come the frick on! I’d probably take him there before I even brought him home. The girl who works there really enjoys my portrait sessions and would no doubt be willing to squeeze me in at a moments notice. Especially if I showed up with this little piece of cuteness.

4)  I would have clothing custom made for his adorable little body. He would have some corduroy slacks and a blazer with elbow patches for when he’s feeling scholarly. A satin pajama set for when he’s in a lounging man sorta mood. Swim trunks and flippers so we could play in the pool together. Some True Religion jeans and an Afflction t-shirt for when he feels like looking like a douchebag. A pair of overalls for those days when he just feels like hanging at the park and being casual. And a nice evening gown for when he accompanies me to the drag bar.

5)  Although I would be oh so super duper tempted to ride Otto Boomerang, due to his small size, I would try my best to refrain. But since the urge would be mega strong, I would let my Zombie Twins ride him instead. This would be especially nice when I had him out for walks through my neighborhood. The children would love it. The adults would be afraid of me. It’s a total win/win.

6)  I would take him to the park and push him in the baby swing, ride with him down the slide, see-saw our brains out, and teach him to play frisbee better than those show-offy caniney bastards.

7)  I would take him downtown for a stroll, whereupon seeing his awesome pygmy goatishness, passersby would stop to pet him, and while they were bent over I would pick their pockets. We would go to Sprinkles with the winnings and eat the crap out of some bad ass cupcakes.

8)  I would organize a parade and make him the Grand Marshall. This parade would consist of kids on bikes and grown women on Cruzin Coolers. Make that drunk grown women.

9)  I would take him to the zoo so that he could prance around and na-ne-na-ne-boo-boo all the other animals.

10) I would put him in The Hub’s place in our Christmas Card photo and see if anyone notices.

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23 Responses to “Things I would do with a Nigerian Pygmy Goat”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    Goats smell. Fyi.
    Not as bad as my bathroom, where I read this while pooping. Fyi.
    I laughed outloud while pooping. Fyi.
    Usually I cry because I dont get enough fiber. Fyi.

  2. Jennie Said:

    Lol!! You SO need that goat. It would totally eat every blade of grass too. No need for a lawn mower or weed eater! Bonus!!

  3. LilBunEfoofoo Said:

    I seriously don’t know what I’d do without your hilarious blog! I could so see myself doing all these things! I would also put him in a strolled in the mall that way when everyone ask to see the baby I can be like “Bam! Don’t hate!”

  4. Cybilseyes Said:

    AMG! lmao

  5. Anonymous Said:

    I love Nigerian pygmy goats,, who doesn’t?! I never thought of all the things I’d do with one until now,,, and I have a birthday coming up soon,,, so just in case you didn’t know,, I want a Nigerian Pygmy Goat,, just a small one mine you,,

  6. Anonymous Said:

    don’t forget ice cream shop visits. coldstones would surely sing for him!

  7. ereyes Said:

    rotflmao…..

  8. HEYLADEE Said:

    I really think you should have him. I would like to be in the parade unless it is in July in Texas and 110 fucking degrees with 110 % humidity, OH nevermind, you said drunk so who cares. Number 10 is the best especially since the hub doesnt have abs (per the boy)

    Thanks
    Kellie Jaggard/Hey Ladee

  9. Jenniboom Said:

    you crack me up!!

  10. dcrobberts@aol.com Said:

    LMAO! Thank you for a great start to the day! Tears! You are hilarious!

  11. Cherrylinda Said:

    Don’t forget Chevy’s so they could put a big sombrero on him and sing, Happy Happy Birthday (Otto), from the Chevys Crew, we wish it was our birthday so we could party too, OLE!

  12. Anonymous Said:

    Soooo funny!
    I love these stories!

  13. Super Earthling Said:

    After reading this I am left with a severe case of Nigerian Pygmy Goat envy! LOL

    And the zombie babies on your last post? Hilarious!

    Glad I found your blog. 😀

    –Susan

  14. sometimegreenmom Said:

    Phew, glad I read how to avoid having zombies eat my brains! Now I’m safe…

  15. Mama's Mumbo Jumbo Said:

    This is my first visit to your blog. This post made me LOL! I decided to let my daughter nap a little longer and restarted the dryer so I can read some more!

  16. Anonymous Said:

    Male goats like to hump…fyi.

  17. TerraKay Said:

    if you ever come through arizona i will give you one!!! i breed nigerian DWARF goats 🙂

  18. Patti Ford Said:

    I NEED ONE, TERRAKAY!!!

  19. Leslie Said:

    Reading about the drunk women on Cruzn Coolers just reminded me where I was when I read this particular blog for the first time. Mmmmph.

  20. Anonymous Said:

    poop sandwhich

  21. Stacie Rushton Said:

    My sediments exactly!!

  22. Stacie Rushton Said:

    My sediments exactly!!

  23. Anonymous Said:

    You are hilarious!!!

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