April 5, 2012
I did not win the lottery. I probably did not win any friends either. That’s just how it goes when you like to act like a weird a-hole.
So last week was that big ass lottery thing and everyone was freaking the hell out about it. I have to admit that I didn’t even know it was going on until my friend Stephanie emailed me and a shit ton of her other friends to see if we all wanted to kick in $20 apiece for a big pile of tickets. I am not traditionally a gambler because I don’t like to lose money. At all. Oh sure I’ve gambled before, but not on my own dime. I went to a riverboat casino with the in-laws once and my father-in-law gave us all $20.00 to gamble with, so of course I totally accepted the shit out of it and got my gamble on good. If someone wants to give me free money to gamble with, I am all up in that situation. I figure if I lose it, big whoop. It wasn’t mine anyways. But that night on the riverboat, all I would play were the slots because (a) They are easy, and (b) I am stupid. There were lots of other games that looked fun, but instead of pictures of fruit and piles of gold, those games had instructions and numbers and stuff and I am not a good instruction follower. At all. I space out within the first 2.5 seconds of the hearing or reading of any kind of instructions. Ikea furniture is my own personal hell and if left in my hands, an Oostaborgen-jorgen-wtf bookcase is likely to come out looking like it was put together by blind people with no hands. And board games? I love them long time, but I have to make someone else read the instructions then explain the game to me as we play. NOT ahead of time, because I totally won’t listen. I will roll my eyes and sing songs and maybe cover my ears, but I won’t listen.
Anyways…when I went to the riverboat with my free $20.00 I did the slots all night and lost pretty bad, then when everyone said they were ready to leave I put in my last quarter and won $20.00. Which I was totally not cocky about. At all. Then a few years ago The Hub had an office party at the horse track and everyone got a free $20.00 to gamble with and since everyone there was an engineer nerd, they were all reading the stats or whatever you call them and trying to mathematically deduce or equate or -insert nerdy math term that I don’t know because The Maths give me diarrhea, here- which were likely to be the winning horses, while I casually perused the booklet and picked some cute names like “Cher Rocks My World” or something like that, and won around $400.00 plus total bragging rights about how name cuteness trumps math annoyances every damn time.
But back to the lottery…
So even though the $20.00 for this lottery situation was to come out of my own pocket and the likelihood of my getting anything out of it was slimmer than Leann Rhimes ever since she stole that Eddie guy from that other woman like a slutty ho, I decided to go for it. But in all honesty the reason that I decided to give away enough money to almost cover the cost of a case of Modelo is not because I thought that I would actually win this lottery, but because I was bored and I wanted to be involved in this hugemongous email thread that Stephanie started.
After Stephanie sent out the email asking around 20 women (most of whom I do not know) if they wanted to participate, I told everyone that I was “in” and then sent the following email to all of them:
“PS If we win I’m not above poisoning you all, burying you in shallow graves, kidnapping Johnny Depp and running off to FIji with the winnings. Just FYI.”
Then Stephanie sent the following email:
“Problem to your scheme-you will have to take me along, or cut me a deal. I have the tickets.”
To which I replied:
“I was gonna murder you first and take the damn tickets. Duh. But you must admit that we had an awesome time on our non-lesbian L.A. vacation and could probably live happily together in Fiji.”
After those exchanges, a few of the ladies started talking all crazy and delusional like THEY were going to Fiji with us. Which I cleared up pretty fast. Then Stephanie told everyone to drop their money off at her house in envelopes. So I wrote:
“Everyone please be a peach and attach your addresses too. Ya know, for the murdering part. It’s easier for me to kill you if I know where you live. XO”
Then Stephanie said:
“Patti, I may have to meet you in Fiji, after you have done your time in prison for murdering all of these people. Kinda like from the scene in ‘Shawshank Redemption’ where Morgan Freeman meets up with Tim Robbins on the isolated beach.”
To which I replied with:
“Minus the butt rape.”
And then some woman I don’t know named Lori, dropped off her money with Stephanie’s address written on the envelope so that I would perhaps be confused and murder Stephanie instead of her. As if I am THAT stupid. Well, actually I am. But thankfully Stephanie caught it and called her out. Then Lori feigned innocence and confusion which is always a great tactic to take when accused of any wrongdoing, as is -in my experience- showing a boob. But in Lori’s feigning innocence email she also claimed that the neighborhood PTO has a non-lesbian trip to Fiji every year and that Johnny Depp was to be this year’s guest speaker. To which I replied:
“Johnny Depp has been chained up naked in my attic for 2 weeks as my sex slave. He’s gonna have to cancel.”
Then another woman named Laurie emailed and really won me over with her offer to become my partner in crime and pretty much kill old people or anything else that was to get in our way, and I, of course, took an instant liking to her. But then another woman emailed and said that Laurie wins the email contest cuz she made her laugh the hardest. So I said:
“Well since you think I’m not funny I will kill you first. And more painfully. Like with a spork.”
And I meant it.
And that pretty much shut down that email thread.
Then the day after the winners (not us) were announced, I sent this photo out:
8 Responses to “I did not win the lottery. I probably did not win any friends either. That’s just how it goes when you like to act like a weird a-hole.”
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