April 5, 2012

I did not win the lottery. I probably did not win any friends either. That’s just how it goes when you like to act like a weird a-hole.

So last week was that big ass lottery thing and everyone was freaking the hell out about it. I have to admit that I didn’t even know it was going on until my friend Stephanie emailed me and a shit ton of her other friends to see if we all wanted to kick in $20 apiece for a big pile of tickets. I am not traditionally a gambler because I don’t like to lose money. At all. Oh sure I’ve gambled before, but not on my own dime. I went to a riverboat casino with the in-laws once and my father-in-law gave us all $20.00 to gamble with, so of course I totally accepted the shit out of it and got my gamble on good. If someone wants to give me free money to gamble with, I am all up in that situation. I figure if I lose it, big whoop. It wasn’t mine anyways. But that night on the riverboat, all I would play were the slots because (a) They are easy, and (b) I am stupid. There were lots of other games that looked fun, but instead of pictures of fruit and piles of gold, those games had instructions and numbers and stuff and I am not a good instruction follower. At all. I space out within the first 2.5 seconds of the hearing or reading of any kind of instructions. Ikea furniture is my own personal hell and if left in my hands, an Oostaborgen-jorgen-wtf bookcase is likely to come out looking like it was put together by blind people with no hands. And board games? I love them long time, but I have to make someone else read the instructions then explain the game to me as we play. NOT ahead of time, because I totally won’t listen. I will roll my eyes and sing songs and maybe cover my ears, but I won’t listen.

Anyways…when I went to the riverboat with my free $20.00 I did the slots all night and lost pretty bad, then when everyone said they were ready to leave I put in my last quarter and won $20.00. Which I was totally not cocky about. At all. Then a few years ago The Hub had an office party at the horse track and everyone got a free $20.00 to gamble with and since everyone there was an engineer nerd, they were all reading the stats or whatever you call them and trying to mathematically deduce or equate or -insert nerdy math term that I don’t know because The Maths give me diarrhea, here- which were likely to be the winning horses, while I casually perused the booklet and picked some cute names like “Cher Rocks My World” or something like that, and won around $400.00 plus total bragging rights about how name cuteness trumps math annoyances every damn time.

But back to the lottery…

So even though the $20.00 for this lottery situation was to come out of my own pocket and the likelihood of my getting anything out of it was slimmer than Leann Rhimes ever since she stole that Eddie guy from that other woman like a slutty ho, I decided to go for it. But in all honesty the reason that I decided to give away enough money to almost cover the cost of a case of Modelo is not because I thought that I would actually win this lottery, but because I was bored and I wanted to be involved in this hugemongous email thread that Stephanie started.

After Stephanie sent out the email asking around 20 women (most of whom I do not know) if they wanted to participate, I told everyone that I was “in” and then sent the following email to all of them:

“PS If we win I’m not above poisoning you all, burying you in shallow graves, kidnapping Johnny Depp and running off to FIji with the winnings. Just FYI.”

Then Stephanie sent the following email:

“Problem to your scheme-you will have to take me along, or cut me a deal. I have the tickets.”

To which I replied:

“I was gonna murder you first and take the damn tickets. Duh. But you must admit that we had an awesome time on our non-lesbian L.A. vacation and could probably live happily together in Fiji.”

After those exchanges, a few of the ladies started talking all crazy and delusional like THEY were going to Fiji with us. Which I cleared up pretty fast. Then Stephanie told everyone to drop their money off at her house in envelopes. So I wrote:

“Everyone please be a peach and attach your addresses too. Ya know, for the murdering part. It’s easier for me to kill you if I know where you live. XO”

Then Stephanie said:

“Patti, I may have to meet you in Fiji, after you have done your time in prison for murdering all of these people. Kinda like from the scene in ‘Shawshank Redemption’ where Morgan Freeman meets up with Tim Robbins on the isolated beach.”

To which I replied with:

“Minus the butt rape.”

And then some woman I don’t know named Lori, dropped off her money with Stephanie’s address written on the envelope so that I would perhaps be confused and murder Stephanie instead of her. As if I am THAT stupid. Well, actually I am. But thankfully Stephanie caught it and called her out. Then Lori feigned innocence and confusion which is always a great tactic to take when accused of any wrongdoing, as is -in my experience- showing a boob. But in Lori’s feigning innocence email she also claimed that the neighborhood PTO has a non-lesbian trip to Fiji every year and that Johnny Depp was to be this year’s guest speaker. To which I replied:

“Johnny Depp has been chained up naked in my attic for 2 weeks as my sex slave. He’s gonna have to cancel.”

Then another woman named Laurie emailed and really won me over with her offer to become my partner in crime and pretty much kill old people or anything else that was to get in our way, and I, of course, took an instant liking to her. But then another woman emailed and said that Laurie wins the email contest cuz she made her laugh the hardest. So I said:

“Well since you think I’m not funny I will kill you first. And more painfully. Like with a spork.”

And I meant it.

And that pretty much shut down that email thread.

Then the day after the winners (not us) were announced, I sent this photo out:

And we didn’t hear from anyone after that. And I doubt that they went silent because they actually thought we were in Fiji. Cuz dude, Fiji is pretty freakin’ toasty and I’m wearing a cardigan since that was actually Malibu and it was a teensy bit chilly that day. No. I think that the reason they went silent is because I had threatened to kill them all one by one. It might possibly be because I also said the term “butt rape” which sometimes makes people freak the freak out. Or maybe it’s because they had another secret lottery pool going, and they all won and cut Stephanie and I out of the deal. Hmmm…..I am totally sharpening my sporks and checking to make sure Depp is still in my attic. 
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8 Responses to “I did not win the lottery. I probably did not win any friends either. That’s just how it goes when you like to act like a weird a-hole.”

  1. AmyMay Said:

    Hahaha girl you crack me up!

  2. Defreezio Said:

    I never get to threaten people without a visit from the cops…you’re so lucky.

  3. Amoureux de la Fleur Said:

    My favorite blog since I started following you. Like a fan who’s big into funny shit, not like a stalker or anything. Well, maybe when I come to California, I’ll try to find your house, so we can find a park bench and make fun of people doing healthy things. But I promise to leave my sporks at home. xoxo

  4. Amoureux de la Fleur Said:

    This is my favorite blog since I started following you. Let’s clarify though, like a fan who loves funny shit, not like a stalker. Well maybe I could be a stalker though. How about next time I’m in California I’ll find your house, and knock until you answer….but not so I can peek in your closet or anything crazy, more so we can find a park bench and make fun of people doing healthy stuff. I promise I’ll leave my sporks at home!! xoxo

  5. Shaeeza Said:

    You know they are knives that never need sharpening. I bought the god awful thing from one of those college students that get suckered into selling stuff for those high and mighty pharaohs of door to door please recommend 20 friends so you get a discount on your next purchase deals. Have to go find it, probably buried in my toe as I am so clever at chopping up things. Great post!!!! So glad you didn’t win, that way you’re still here with us and not rotting in jail or living the high life in Fiji. Looking forward to more.

  6. Anonymous Said:

    haha! your funny!

  7. emcreyes Said:

    Im sitting at work…in my cubby, reading your blogs…all of of them!! which get funnier and funnier….my cow-worker (shes shes a cow)….has walked by three times in hopes that I will tell her What the hell is so funny since i’ve started pounding on my desk and even had to run to the bathroom for an emengency pee since your shit is so damn funny….Ohh snaps now shes writing something in her little snitch notebook…lets see if I can explain this to my boss without getting fired….by the way I LOVE YOU…

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