February 6, 2012
When I was a kid, I was really into music. I had my own tape recorder, and when I wasn’t busy recording my dad snoring, or my parent’s private conversations, or episodes of Laverne & Shirley that I wanted to memorize, or my own soap opera’s that I wrote, directed, and starred in and which revolved around the character’s flatulence problems (The Young and the Farty was a popular one), I was usually using it to listen to my tunes. I even had entire dance routines to go with most of my jams. When I needed more people for said dance routines, I would invite a few of the neighbor girls over, and force them to learn my choreography. There was one girl who would always try to outshine me, so I would stick her in the way back, and sometimes she would get put in charge of lighting or the wind machine, AKA the flashlight and the box fan.
#1- Heart: All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You
When I googled this song for the release date, I was actually pretty shocked. It came out in 1990. That realization made me feel like a total loser. Because truth be told, I kinda liked this song for awhile. I mean, only when I was on my period or was having boy trouble. The rest of the time I was into bands like The Cure and The Smiths and Led Zeppelin. But if my estrogen levels were high and this song came on the radio, I ain’t gonna lie to you guys… I sang along. But thanks to the fact that I was 18 when this came out, it didn’t take me more than a few weeks to actually process the insanity of the words that I was singing, and when I did, I felt like an asshole. Cuz this song? This song was about woman who picked up a boy who was out walking during a rainstorm. And he was probably walking cuz he was too young to drive, you guys. So does she do the appropriate thing and take him home? No. She takes him to a hotel. What hotel? One that she “knew well.” Why did she know it so freakin’ well? Probably cuz she was a whore who picked up young boys and took them to hotels. And what happened there? Well, she pretty much screwed his brains out. Then what? Well, she snuck out while he was sleeping and she left him some dumb-ass note that said “I am the flower, you are the seed, we walked in the garden, we planted a tree.” And that is, like, the dumbest note ever. Cuz if she is a stupid flower, and he is a freakin’ seed, how the hell did either of them walk through a goddamn garden? Flowers and seeds don’t have legs. And even if they did, a flower and a seed don’t make a freakin’ tree. Obviously this songwriter didn’t take Botany in college like I did. And ya know what else bugs me? Not only did she pick up this “lonely boy in the rain” and take him to a hotel and underage rape him, but she also left him there to find his own way home. Bitch coulda at least left cab fare. And unfortunately it gets worse for him, because later he runs into her and finds out she had his friggin’ baby! The only good part about this song is that there wasn’t a verse about asking for child support.
#2- Dolly Parton: Jolene
So this was a song that I loved as a kid. It came out in 1974 when I was only 3-years-old, but it was always playing on the radio even when I was a few years older. It’s a pretty short song and was easy to memorize, so it became a part of my hairbrush singing repertoire. Sometimes I would even put stuffed animals in my shirt to give myself a Dolly kinda rack. It actually wasn’t until The White Stripes sang it in 2004 when I kinda re-discovered this song and really began to listen to the lyrics. Basically what this song is saying is that Dolly Parton is a woman with very low self-esteem whose man is messing around on her with some red-headed bitch named Jolene. So what does Dolly do? Key her car? Kick her ass? Spork her man in the taint? No, no, and no. What she does do is she sings about how pretty and perfect Jolene is and begs her not to take her man away from her, when what she really needs to do is throw his shit on the lawn and take him for all he’s worth. Really. No wonder he’s messing around with Jolene. She’s pathetic. And that slutty Joleen’s probably giving him the butt sex.
This song came out in 1982. I love it big time. I had the 45 and I played it and wore a yarn wig and did the whole American Bandstand performance thing. This song got lots of play time in my house. And I really don’t think I had heard it since 1982, until a couple of weeks ago when it came on the radio in my car. I was super excited and I was flash-backing all over the place. And I was totally surprised to find that I remembered all of the lyrics. But as I sang along I realized that I never knew what the hell I was singing about back when I was 10-years-old. Yes. It’s yet another song about a stupid bitch. Basically this girl is having dinner with her man when this other chick walks past their table, and she notices that he looks at her like he knows her. So she asks him about it and he says it’s nobody. Then all this other shit happens like he says he’s working late with nobody. And then he’s all day-dreamy and stuff and she asks him who he’s thinking about and he says nobody. So then the nobody woman calls the freakin’ house and hangs up when the wife asks what her name is. Obviously they coulda used some caller ID, and the stupid nobody woman could’ve at least cooked up a story before she called, just in case the wife answered. I would think that would be one of the top ten tips for being the other woman: Be prepared to lie your ass off. And after all this stuff happens, what does the wife do? She just tells her husband that she can love him better than that sleazy-ass nobody woman can. Really? Dude. Get some self-respect. You and Dolly need to go to some kind of support group or something. Or maybe take some testosterone and grow some balls.
#4-Meatloaf: Paradise By The Dashboard Light
This came out in 1977. We had the 8-track. I was 6-years-old and I sang the shit out of it. It was about 17-year-old kids in a car making out and he’s trying to get her to do it with him and she’s fighting it and he keeps on pushing and she asks him if he’s gonna love her forever and he’s mega-horny so he says yes so they do it and then he’s stuck with her forever. So I guess she got knocked up or something. Did I mention that when I sang the shit outta this I was 6-years-old?
My parents really dropped the ball on this one.
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