January 14, 2012

Waxing leads to 80’s music and sitcoms and Davey Crockett and horror movies. That’s how my mind works.

So the other day I went to get a wax. No. Not for my car. For my Secret Garden. And in case you don’t know what that is, it’s my in-between, you guys. And in case you don’t know what that is, it’s my taco. And in case you don’t know what THAT is, you really need to (a) get a life, and (b) get a life. Although if you wanna get totally geeked-out and all technical about it, then vagina is the word I guess I would use. But that doesn’t really work in this situation, cuz the vagina is actually the interior portion of the garden. And unless you are a real live sasquatch or are a Kardashian, the interior part should not be hairy. It should oh so totally NOT be hairy.  As far as I can recall from those awkward and uncomfortable sex-ed classes back in middle school, the actual part that I’m referring to is just called the pubic area or the labia or something like that. I think it’s Major Labia, if you wanna get all fancy. And no, that isn’t that 80’s sitcom that starred that guy who used to be in “Simon and Simon” and then married Delta Burke when she was skinny then she pulled a fast one on him and got fat again. Maybe I have that name backwards. Maybe it’s called the labia major. But that just sounds like one of Beethoven’s symphonies or something boring like that. But either way, alls I’m saying is that it sounds really technical and oh so super duper un-sexy.

Actually, since I am writing about this I decided to google a map of this stuff so I could get the terms right. But just FYI: Don’t actually “google maps” that stuff. Cuz they totally do not have it there. But there IS a place in Russia called Vagina. And I now know how to get to THERE. And I should probably actually go, because those Russian women, so far as I can tell from the movies, might need a few tips on the tending of their gardens. Those bitches look pretty hairy. But save yourselves some time. Learn from my mistakes. And just regular google it.

So anyways, regular old google led me to a diagram (“Map” was the wrong word, I guess. Although I have known some boys in my past who really could have used one), and the wording they used in said diagram, is a super mega turn-off. Did you guys happen to know that lady parts have an area called the “vestibule”? Isn’t a vestibule some kind of foyer? Okay, remember on “Friends” when Chandler got stuck in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre? I always thought he was stuck in a bank foyer. But maybe he was actually stuck in her Secret Garden. Cuz let’s face it, he really was kinda awkward with women, so if any dude was gonna mess up an encounter with Jill Goodacre, it was probably gonna be him. And Ross. Ross was super nerdy. Remember when he got stuck in those freakin’ leather pants? What an idiot. But anyhow, this whole “vestibule” thing? It really changes the whole way that I look at “Friends”, and I think I’m gonna have to go back and watch some re-runs now that I have this knowledge. Kinda like when I discovered that “Turning Japanese” wasn’t a song about morphing into an Asian person, but a song about whacking off. And ditto with “She Bop”. That shit messed up my mind!

Man, I have gotten so off track with this.

But basically I prefer to call that area my Secret Garden And that’s only due to the fact that Bruce Springsteen told me to. And we all know that he’s The Boss. So it’s best to just do what he says. He’s from Jersey, you know. So he’s probably got some bad-ass connections. Anyways, when I first heard that “Secret Garden” song, there was no fooling me. I had learned my lesson in the 80’s with those other songs. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I’ll kick you in the nads. Possibly even spork you. Depending on my mood. But I heard those lyrics and I damn well knew what he was talking about:

She’ll let you in her house
If you come knockin’ late at night
She’ll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She’ll let you deep inside
But there’s a Secret Garden she hides.

Wait. Wait a goddamn minute. Now that I am re-reading these lyrics, I’m thinking that maybe I had this all kinds of wrong.  I think that maybe “she” is a hooker. Cuz he says “If you pay the price, she’ll let you deep inside. But there’s a secret garden she hides.” So he’s obviously paid her (hooker), and she let him deep inside. But she’s still hiding the secret garden So that CAN’T be her taco. Cuz he already got deep inside of that.  So I am getting all Perry Masony up in here and deducing that the secret garden is her butt and she must charge extra for butt sex. Which totally makes sense. Cuz I know plenty of non-hookers who do the butt sex, and although they may not ask for cash money, they still get a little shopping out of it. Maybe some jewelry. Occasionally a nice weekend vacation. So I suppose that a hooker would be all kinds of stupid if she didn’t charge some major bucks for that.

And now we are way off track.

Sometimes my mind goes on tangents. And it’s hard, oh so hard, to get back where I started.

And I tried to google maps “my train of thought” but it took me to a transportation museum in St. Louis. And although I know I am way off course, I’m pretty sure that a transportation museum is not what I was talking about. Even though my brain DID get off track. And trains run on TRACKS. And TRAINS are for transportation.

Wow. That shit just blew my mind. For reals.

But anyways, what I was talking about before my brain got all twisty and turny and transportationy, was waxing.

So I went in for a wax yesterday, and I’m not gonna lie. It hurts. And it hurts like balls. And in situations that hurt like balls, I like to distract myself by talking. Actually, to be totally 100% honest, I like to distract myself by talking in ANY AND ALL situations. I am nothing if not a talker. And in this situation in which my bottom half was totally naked and I was in really awkward positions whilst getting hair brutally yanked from my nether-regions, I decided that it was totally apropos to discuss ball waxing. Because women? I understand why WE wax. Women like to be smooth. In most places, anyways. We all have different levels of smoothosity that we wanna achieve. But men? Men are not supposed to be smooth. Well, except on their backs. Cuz that shit is just disturbing. I don’t need my man looking like he’s gone all Davey Crockett and skinned a buffalo and flung it on his back to stay warm. But smooth in the down below? Nope. I mean, I think most women like their men to be “manscaped”, but totally bald? That is just so totally not ok in my book.

So I had heard tell of men going in for “Crack and Sack’s”. Which is just what it sounds like, you guys. They get their butts and balls waxed. And I already know that balls look ridiculous, but I would prefer them to be hidden away behind a bit of fuzz rather than just be hanging there taunting me with their gleaming apricot-i-ness. That is disturbing to me on so many levels. And as the waxing lady told me to roll over and spread my cheeks, I decided to ask her how many men go full Brazilian. And the answer was quite a few. Quite a few, ladies. Which, of course, I immediately pictured in my twisted-awesome mind. And ya know what? It was not a pretty picture. And it wasn’t manly either. It looked like a hairy man wearing skin panties. Which I of course told my waxing lady, to which she replied, “Well, it kinda does. But I fade it in.” Meaning, she gradually waxes less and less as she goes up and/or down so it looks “natural”. Ya know, if it’s “natural” to be wearing skin panties with a gradual thickening of hair around the edges. Which it’s sooo totally not. And let me tell you something. That would be a deal breaker for me. I like my guy to be organized down there. But I pretty much don’t want him to look like he went all “Silence of the Lambs” and made skin panties with shiny dangling apricot balls that mock me at every wiggle.

Please, men of the world, stop the madness. Stop it now!
Well, unless you’re gay. Then by all means, wear your skin panties with pride. I can totally see that being acceptable.

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35 Responses to “Waxing leads to 80’s music and sitcoms and Davey Crockett and horror movies. That’s how my mind works.”

  1. The Academy of Awesome Said:

    i need to follow you around for a week.
    i do!

  2. Anonymous Said:

    You, my love, are a wonderful, awesome, spork weilding NUT!!! xx

  3. Bele Serigala Said:

    Oh I love reading your blogs and this one has me rolling. Great job and so true!

  4. Resident Sapiosexual Said:

    using “google maps” to redirect is genius…i mean genius. lmfao <3

  5. dawna Said:

    I agree, no waxing my man’s parts! A little ‘scaping is totally ok but naked nuts?!

  6. David Hartley Said:

    No nakey nuts for my babe!

  7. just me:) Said:

    garden, bush, trimmin the roses, whats the differance lol:)oh well carry on:)

  8. Anonymous Said:

    Items:
    1) You are insane.
    2) You probably need professional help.
    3) You are very funny and entertaining.
    4) Please disregard items 1 and 2 as any change would make you less of item 3.
    5) You are very funny and entertaining. (Yes, I said this before but I just love your style.)

  9. nitty gritty mommy Said:

    Oh MY GoD!! I had no idea Turning Japanese wasn’t about wearing a kimono and flat little slippers and watching anime or some shit! This is awesome

  10. And, This Is Why I'm Me Said:

    I have seen women’s porn mags nothing but men with perfect manscapes, and non-hairy man-parts. I find it unnatural and gross, too. They don’t look like real men, and some look a bit non-hetero. I cannot get turned on by a gay-looking man. I love them, to hang out with, talk to, shop with and get tips on fashion, hair, etc but I don’t think of them in any way sexy.

  11. Anonymous Said:

    Vulva. The word you want is “vulva”… although Secret Garden is a pretty damn cool term. My daughter uses the word “Cooter”/”Cooder”. It cracks me up that a fourteen-year-old knows a word I don’t – aside from the obvious http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ry_Cooder

    Maer

  12. Anonymous Said:

    Just read your blog+laughed till I was practically sick! Lordy but your mind goes off on tangents,does’t it? There are some things which will stay with me forever+a day! Now songs will never be the same+ I will be suspicious of all lyrics! Naked “nurrys” really are a disturbing thought,you know? I’ve always wondered why anyone would torture themselves by “cracking+sacking” or plucking ect? Fashion be damned! Trim,by all means(anyone who has ever had hair caught in nicker-elastic would know why)but “plucked chook” is not THE look! Anyhoo,I wanted to let you know that I liked the “rant”+agree that it is madness! What I would like to know is,who started the “skin’d look? I think they need a slap upside the head,cos thats just sadistic(mayhap they got kicks that way?)to do that stuff to delicate areas! Hairy is scary,but plucked is f***ed,ya know? Cheers+ thanks for the chuckles!

  13. Floppy Latte Designs Said:

    OMG, I fell out of my chair reading this. Too Funny, and you, like me, seem to live on tangents!
    Love your blog!

  14. The Femats Said:

    wax, cracks, and sacks… to many funny words in one blog!

  15. Ashley H. Said:

    Your tangents made my overworked brain happy… seeing as I can no longer concentrate on anything for more than 30seconds.. <3

  16. The Mother Freakin' Princess Said:

    LOL! You are too funny with your ‘secret garden’. At least you weren’t like me and thought our lady parts were named after Libya…ooops.

  17. Trica89 Said:

    I get the skin panties look. My bf shaved totally bald in that area and it just looked weird.

  18. Joey Apricoti Said:

    Now that we know about the “secret gardens”, can we learn about “purple nurples” next week ? Me and my gal LOVE your ramblings. She bops and I turn Japanese at the same time while we read and learn ! I used to think a “blog” was something that came out of someone’s nose, but now I’m stuck on yours ! You are the speedbump in my day that makes me slow down and appreciate my prozac. Don’t mistake my witicisms for nastiness. I love your dirty drawers and hope you write forever. BEER AND UNICORNS !

  19. Kellbell Said:

    The only words that coms to mind are, I just freakin love you! I my mind we are the best of friends lol

  20. KMFDM Said:

    I find your blog to be entertaining and the replies you get help me understand what is acceptable for a hetro male to present to the secret garden. I underestimated the value of manscaping when it comes to curb appeal!!

  21. KMFDM Said:

    Okay like my wife says “If you lived in Indianapolis we would totally be friends” She introduced me to your blog today and I never knew the importance of manscaping. I underestimated the importance of manscaping when it comes to curb appeal!!

  22. Anonymous Said:

    (((gleaming apricots))) Just one of the many reasons I think you rock!

  23. Anonymous Said:

    I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!

  24. Anonymous Said:

    Taunting with their Gleaming Apricot-i-ness lmaoo.. And thank u anonymous for plucked chook lml

  25. Teelinger Said:

    Beautiful mind. You had me at Insane. More damnit, we need more…LoL

  26. Anonymous Said:

    Fucking hilarious!

  27. Anonymous Said:

    Truly hilarious – I’m going to show this to some “friends” who claim I’m mental because of my crazy, scattered, amusement park thought process. Of course, I wouldn’t pass along my genes to progeny, but I’m doing a good job of making my pets crazy 🙂

  28. cam sims Said:

    you are totally insane, lol i love everything you post ! i hope you go on for many many years . you make me laugh every day and we all know laughing is good for the soul.luv ya girl KEEP ON KEEPING ON !

  29. hippie_chick Said:

    I guess I’m weird because I prefer my man’s balls naked – I hate the feeling of hair in my mouth :o)

  30. Keeta~Kat Said:

    I can’t tell you how bad I needed this today. Thank you!!!

  31. Keeta~Kat Said:

    You’ve no idea how bad I needed this today. Thank you! Lmfao!

  32. Keeta~Kat Said:

    I love you!

  33. bipolarbaby Said:

    I love your stories, they make my day!

  34. bipolarbaby Said:

    You are so crazy! I love it! I love reading your posts on Facebook and I’ll be reading your blog daily from now on too. I really appreciate all the laughs! They are much needed! Thanks so much!

  35. Anonymous Said:

    I’ve been making my way backwards through your blog and when I got to this one my boyfriend thought I was having some sort of spastic episode from laughing so hard lol
    Currently we’re on a road trip, headed home now and about to switch spots. I demanded of him that he read this when we do. It might not surprise him much, some of this sounds like me talking (an episode of Friends tangent anyone?), but he might be a little scared there’s someone out there that shares some of my own odd brainwave thinking. I can’t wait for him to read this, so he’s worried there’s more than one of us out there, at the same time eases his worry that I might not be the worst one! Haha Love your stuff please don’t stop any time soon! Also I encountered a guy who did do a completely hairless look all over and my God skin panties is an apt description. Not saying I need my man’s balls to be hairy enough to braid, but thank God he will never go hairless. After this though I think I’ll let him off the hook for a couple weeks on not trimming it up.

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