January 30, 2012

So…Not only do balls look ridiculous, they’re sweaty too.

I’m not really sure what to say right now. Ya know how sometimes you see something that you didn’t know existed and you realize that you were way beyond okay living in the past back when you still didn’t know that it existed? For example, when I found out about the Jewels Finnish Cover I was confused and slightly disturbed that women would spend money on such a thing. And last time I had a wax I asked the lady with her head between my legs, if she had ever had a client come in with one of those. She said she had not, AND she -like me- didn’t really see the point. I mean, you are laying there naked with your legs spread wide and someone looking at every millimeter of your in-between, so why get shy about one teeny tiny spot? I’ve got news for you: Your butt’s down there too. So if I WAS gonna go getting all shy about a spot, that would probably be it. So ridiculous. And in that same blog I mentioned Banana Peelz, AKA the wiener baggie. Trust me when I say that you just need to go read it to believe it.  And just when I had seen it all, I came across The Menstrual Cup and I was shocked and more than a little grossed out. Like I said then, I love the planet and everything, but come the frick on. I am so totally not ever going to be down with that cup.

Well, now I have found something else that disturbs me. It’s ball powder, you guys.  And no. Not the kind you put on pool balls. Wait. I don’t think that’s powder. I think that’s chalk, right? And I think it’s for the tips of those sticks. But I really couldn’t -for the life of me- tell you why those sticks need chalk on them. So don’t ask me to. But this is a totally different kind of powder. It’s like baby powder. But instead of being for little sweet baby buns, it’s for sweaty dangly ball sacks. And guess what, you guys? One of those things is cute, and one so totally isn’t. 
I came across this ball powder situation while doing a google search for something that I can’t remember although I am sure was completely and totally ridiculous and possibly bordering on insane. And I am not trying to be all secretive or something and not tell you what I was googling because it might make me look weird or creepy or gross or whatever. Let’s get real here. Since when do I care about that? T
The reason I can’t remember what I was searching for is that every single time I sit down to google something, that result leads me to something else that catches my attention. So I click on that. Then that thing leads me to something else that catches my attention. So I click on that. And sooner or later I am deep in a confusing web of oddities that I have no idea how I go stuck in, and would sometimes possibly cause the FBI to come and get me if they had access to my search history. At which time I would hopefully be able to explain my ADHD/interweb spiral of google odditites situation to them with enough convince-ication that they decide not to arrest me.  By the way, I know convince-ication is not a real word. But I could not think of the word that I wanted there, so I just made that one up. Believe me when I say that I thought about googling around for the word that I wanted, but I knew that I would get sucked into the spiral again and never finish this blog. And how weird would that have been to get sucked right out of the writing of a blog in which I am telling you about how I often get sucked out of things? -Insert Twilight Zone music here –
ANYWAYS…back to ball powder. 

So I came across a website called Fresh Balls. And to be honest with you, I thought it was gonna be a sight that sold those fabric softener dryer balls. Which I am really not at all interested in purchasing. But, let’s face it, if any sight pops up with the word “balls” in it, I am gonna go check it out. So I did. And I discovered that it has nothing at all to do with keeping my clothing fresh and free of static cling, but it has everything to do with keeping a man’s danglers that way. Fresh Balls is a powder for men’s junk. Why? Well, according to the website, it’s because nads get all kindsa sweaty and gross and stinky and stuff. Great. As if I didn’t already think those things were stupid enough. Now I gotta go around wondering about the sweatiness and smelliness of them. It’s just too much for me to bear, you guys. 

So after this discovery I was super curious about this sweaty crotch situation, so I go in my google spiral and find out that there are a few different brands of ball powder. That’s right, girls. This is totally a thing. So now not only do we have to worry about what the hell to do with those things when we are down there (ignore them? play with them? hope we don’t hurt them?), we now have to worry that if we go down there we will come back up looking like we just had a powdered sugary funnel cake on a windy day at the county fair. But instead of enjoying the pure deliciousness of a puffy fried pastry, we are gagging on the “manly scent” of a quite possibly toxic powder that will most likely make us get cancer or grow an extra nipple. 
I found a few reviews on ball powder that I would like to share with you:
Yeah. That’ right ladies. As if some men weren’t already often lacking in the hygiene department anyway, now there are actually men out there in this world who think that as long as they put a bit of this stupid powder in their underwear, they are good to go. Seriously??? Are men really this stupid? Ok. Scratch that. Stupid question. Of course they are. They go through life wearing the same clothes a hundred times between washings. Turning underwear inside out and wearing them again. Sniffing their pits to see if they need a shower and almost always deciding that they smell fine, when us girls know damn well that you never smell as bad to yourself as you do to other people. Your nose gets used to your own stank. ALWAYS ASSUME THAT YOU NEED A SHOWER. This isn’t the frontier. We aren’t boiling water all day to fill a tub that you have to share with a family of 12 while a barn full of horses and donkeys watches you. We have showers. Get off your lazy stinky asses, turn the damn knob to the left, let that sucker warm up and hop the hell in. And don’t just do a rinse, either. Wash. Your. Junk. Use soap. And rinse it off good too. Men are always bitching and moaning about how they don’t get enough action down there. Hey guys. I have news for you. You want action, hop in the shower. Don’t go powdering your donuts and thinking we women are gonna be ok with that.

Damn. Now I’m hungry. And totally ashamed that a post about balls made me hungry. Stupid balls.

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18 Responses to “So…Not only do balls look ridiculous, they’re sweaty too.”

  1. And, This Is Why I'm Me Said:

    I am now SO glad that my man insists on showering beforehand. That is all I can muster after reading the disgusting comments some stanky men posted. LOL

  2. lisa Said:


    They are an equal opportunity enabler – not only do men not have to wash their balls, women can not worry about having sweaty boobs either. All I can think is that if you’re too lazy to wash your shit up, you really don’t deserve the action.

  3. Becky Schulz-Donnelly Said:

    Not to go off the very interesting ballsack topic but did you know mom and them had to do the share the water on a Sunday thing. I can’t remember the order but you would be shocked. Like I think our moms were the first ones and then Uncle Larry was last.That is hair washing once a week. after each other. Ask your mom, have her tell you that story.

  4. MamaBones Said:

    HOLY SHIT Woman!!! I love it! YES! Powder for stinky balls is NOT the equivalent of taking a shower. If only these poor saps would just take a 2 minute shower to scrub the stank off, they MIGHT get laid!
    These poor, poor deluded manboys.

  5. CJ Said:

    Patti, how is it you always seem to voice what is going through my head?! Do we have some sort of mental connection that I’ve been unaware of? I Think it’s time for you to write a book, or some sort of informational pamphlet for men about their balls, and what they can do to make them more tolerable for us!!

  6. Rhonda Talbot Said:

    You gotta love customer CZS comments! Now he can get laid more, without having to go home and shower first. Like the guy gets laid every night anyway, and one giant step is now removed. He must be their biggest consumer, but it left me wondering where this dude lived. In the hick city of Shameless?

  7. SoberTina Said:

    I had to check out the fresh breasts link out of curiosity. I chocked on my drink when I saw the

    FRESH BALLS GOLF PACK – “We have created a Fresh Balls Golf Pack for all of the friends that play sports together. You purchase 4 bottles of Fresh Balls® at regular price and you get 1 bottle for FREE. Make your next game fresher !!!” ( http://www.freshbody.com/us/products/fresh-balls-gol-pack/ )

    ’cause nothing says MANLY like a bunch of guys saying, “Dude, ya just gotta try my fresh balls!”

  8. Cassandra Said:

    so whilst i might agree with you – the fact is men don’t wash them anyway so i say all hail the powder.

    also, i love that a post about balls made you hungry and made a relative of yours think of your mom.

  9. Anonymous Said:

    cassandra you might want to change that to most men dont wash them ive walked in on 2 men (i had to pee like a mofo) and they were in the act of washing the danglers! %100 true

  10. Anonymous Said:

    Maybe the threat of a third nipple was the whole point of the powder.. you know men and their love of nipples!

  11. Anonymous Said:

    I think Fresh Balls is free with purchase of this. http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/2012/02/03/sauna-pants-the-fast-track-to-sweaty-balls/?xrs=share_copy

  12. Anonymous Said:

    Haha. Love your blog!
    Cannot believe the ballpowderthing!
    – Just a bit shocked you`re so dissing the Menstrual Cup – it`s totally changed my way of feeling during that period – now its a joy! Its a bit difficult to handle, but once you`ve got the technique you find its just the best thing ever. One can change it in the shour – once or twice a day if one finds it difficult. Its less mess than a tampon or pad of any kind. And Affordable!! And environmentlyfriendly!! I just really wish i had such a thing when i started my period 24 years ago….
    Anywways – keep up the good writing, Insane-mom 😀
    Regards from a mum in Norway!

  13. Anonymous Said:

    i almost spewed tea when i read this, friggin’ hilarious! and really guys need to was their dangly bits, ball powder, lol. did u get hungry for pwodered donuts!

  14. Anonymous Said:

    So, do you prefer sugar-powdered jelly donuts, or the chocolate topped Boston cream? :))

  15. Blondie McBaffled Said:

    Great Post. You know you’re not right, which is exactly what I love about you. I about puked in my mouth a little while reading the customer reviews but laughted at your instructions to men at the end. Reminded me of a post I did last year titled “The Penis Epiphany”. http://www.blondiemcbaffled.com/2011/09/penis-epiphany.html

  16. dave Said:

    Thank you for bringing this product to my attention. It may provide a solution to a personal problem.

  17. thompsgirl06 Said:

    All I can think about while reading this was that SNL skit with schwetty balls by one of those baldwins Lmao. Seriously though I would punch my hub in the balls if he used this crap lol! Too funny!

  18. Anonymous Said:

    Oh. my. gawdddddd you are hysterical!

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