November 10, 2011

If a face-raping squirrel ever gives you herpes, you just better hope that it’s Halloween. Because if it is, you can totally make that work for you.

Ok. Let me just start this by saying I suck. I know this. My blogs have been few and far between. Which some of you have found it necessary to remind me of, via email. And to you people I say I love you, and I’m glad you love my blog. But please please please suck my balls.

Too harsh? I don’t think so. Notice the use of the word please. And it’s not like I actually even have balls. So basically I’m telling you all to suck imaginary balls. And in my imagination my imaginary balls taste like Snickerdoodles.  So don’t go getting all butthurt about that. And rest assured, you guys. I am doing my best. If by “best” you mean playing on Facebook a lot, while occasionally looking at a blank page on my blog. Then talking on the phone. Then texting. Then singing songs about The Cat and what a whiney a-hole she can be. Then hanging out on Pinterest for awhile. Then laying on the floor in various rooms of my house and looking up at the ceiling so I can see what life would be like if my house ever accidentally flipped upside down. Like, in a big gust of wind or something. FYI: Ceiling fans would become super dangerous, but would also make good merry-go-rounds for small children if turned on low speed.

Since I don’t even know where I left off with you guys, and I’m way too lazy to go back and look, I’ll just start where I start.

So I had The Face Herpes. And I’m not gonna lie to you guys, The Face Herpes does not feel good nor is it pretty. The one good thing about the Face Herpes is that I got it during Halloween. And since I was Zombie Chrissy Snow for Halloween, I got to hide all the herps under fake blood and make-up. And even if some of the grossness showed through, it LOOKED like fake Zombie grossness, so it was pretty sweet. If I had followed Halloween Protocol and gone as a Slutty Nurse, Slutty Cop, or Slutty Stewardess, I woulda been screwed. I mean, truth be told, a lot of those people probably DO have The Herps. Cuz of the fact that they’re sluts and all. But not the Face-Raping Squirrel kind. At least that’s my guess anyways. Because I’m pretty darn sure that the squirrels are savin’ all their love for me. At least that’s what I heard around the ‘hood.

So anyways, here is a picture of me in my costume, with my friend Jenny, The Ringmaster (Which, if you ask me, shoulda been a Ringmaster Zombie. But oh well.)

And here is a picture of me and my friend Anne, who was a white trash pregnant bride:

Notice that I am totally biting her belly. Well, that’s how Zombie Chrissy Snow rolls, yo. And as most of you know (unless you are not up to date on all things zombie, in which case we could never ever be friends), when a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. So a few days later, Anne gave birth to the twins:

And for some reason, she didn’t wanna keep them. And she is also even denying giving birth to them. Saying some nonsense about a fake belly and stuff. Which means she totally sucks as a mother. So I, being an amazing mom, happily took them in. And we are really getting along well. Although I can’t say that our friends and neighbors have taken to them quite as well. But that is definitely something we can work on in time. And I will work on it. Believe me. These little guys ain’t going nowhere.

But in a totally out-of-character move for me, I have yet to name them. I just keep calling them The Zombie Twins. The one on the right is Rats, and the one on the left, is No Rats. So any suggestions that you guys might have would be appreciated. As most of you know, I am a self-proclaimed Kick-Ass namer of tiny animals. But those names are very fancy and magical I don’t think I am as good at naming Zombies. For some reason I’m thinking that a Duke Byron Winterbottom, will not work quite right here. I don’t know why.

And just so you know, my Face Herpes is pretty much gone. Unless you’re in the know, you can’t even tell I had them. But FYI: When you buy Zombie make-up that’s cheap, yet thick enough to cover your face herpes, you WILL break-out approximately 3 days later. And that break-out will be of an intensity equal to that of all of the break-outs you had in middle school and high school combined. And THAT isn’t pretty. It isn’t pretty at all. Add to that the fact that you are bloated like an Ethiopian from PMS, and you just got Invisligns and are lisping like Cindy Brady, and you have the perfect recipe for horror.

Too bad there isn’t a costume party this weekend. I would rock the hell outta that bitch.

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5 Responses to “If a face-raping squirrel ever gives you herpes, you just better hope that it’s Halloween. Because if it is, you can totally make that work for you.”

  1. ReneJorgensen Said:

    So I absolutely adore you! I “like” a few of the blog type pages on Facebook, but yours is the only one of then that brings the craziness of real life and turns it into comedy genius! Thank you for making me laugh my ass off every time I look at my news feed. I’m sure if I lived closer to you we would be fast friends 🙂 Keep those fun and kooky posts coming, and always remember that normalcy is way overrated!
    Oh and Names for the twins… Dopey and Doc. (If anyone asks what happened to the other dwarfs just tell them they ate them)

  2. Anonymous Said:

    Ratz & Tubby??

  3. scmgeek Said:

    Thanks. There is Diet Coke in my nose now. Please name them “Cuddles” and “Sunshine”. Or “Bob” and his brother “Bob”. Your call.

  4. married with children Said:

    LMAO….Very intertaining. Needed good LOL Sooo glad I came here.

  5. Anonymous Said:

    You have to make the name Duke Byron VON Winterbottom, then its absolutely perfect. Then name the other Jake, just Jake.

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