October 26, 2011

This post is about how I found out squirrels are full of skanky STD’s and the nurse at the urgent care place in my neighborhood is their master.

I just wrote three paragraphs and deleted them due to the fact that when I re-read them I had totally no idea what I was even talking about.

You guys know the drill: I wrote the paragraphs. Then my cat started snoring. And it was one of those little squeaky snores followed by a fat man grunty snore. And I tried to record it with my iPhone, but it wouldn’t come through. Then I dropped my phone. Then The Cat woke up and looked at me like I was an asshole. Which I kinda am. Then I apologized to her, and then explained that her snore was really funny and I was trying to record it so I could post it on Facebook. Then she looked at me like I was even more of an asshole. And also an idiot for talking to her in human like she possibly understands. Which I know she doesn’t. But I sometimes forget. Although I do think that there is a strong possibility that she understands Spanish because when I had the tv on Telemundo one time by accident, she seemed really into it. Anyways…then I saw a lizard crawling on the window screen. So I picked her up to show it to her. And she got kinda irritated due to the fact that she doesn’t like to be picked up. And she straight up refused to even look at the damn lizard on the window screen. And I said “Hey girl. Your loss.” Cuz that lizard was mega hyper and I know for a fact that if she’d seen it she woulda really enjoyed it. So I started playing with him by tracing my finger along the screen to see if he’d follow it. Which he totally did. So I decided to go outside and try to touch him. But as soon as I opened the door, about 5.3 million mosquitos tried to eat me. So I closed it. Then I sang a song about mosquitos being dick-holes. Which got me seriously thinking about Jurassic Park and how mosquitos were the whole reason that all that frickin’ shit went down. Which made me wonder if, like, a gazillion years from now when Alien’s take over the planet, they might find a dick-hole mosquito that had bitten the crap outta me, preserved in some amber and get the DNA out of it and make a bunch of Patti’s that they would then use to make Alien/Human hybrids that have amazing 80’s song lyric memorization skills and hobo stabbing skills,  as well as the ability to do mega Karate Kid Crane Kicks.

Then I sat back down at the computer and read the stuff I wrote about my arm surgery and Bionic Woman and blue polyester jumpsuits and The 6 Million Dollar Man, and I thought “Dude….that shit’s boring.”

And look at what you got now.

Maybe I made the wrong decision.

But basically I was just gonna tell you guys that I’m still rockin’ it with my arm. It has healed up rapidly. Which is weird for me. The girl who has the worst medical luck on the planet. And I have enjoyed being able to brag, for once, about how well I am doing after a surgery. Instead of telling you all the domino effect of shit that went down afterwards. But maybe I bragged a bit too much and The Universe decided to give me a big ass kicking for being so cocky.

So Friday night my friend Casey came to spend the night. And we were outside. As were about 9 billion hungry mosquitos. And I got bitten about 50 times. Ate at least one. Maybe two. I can’t be sure. Alls I can be sure if is that it sucked ass. So later that night I see that I have these bumps on my forehead and eyelid. So of course I’m thinking the mosquitos did it. Then Sunday morning when I woke up it hurt like balls and looked like I had a flesh eating virus. So I went to Urgent Care, quite convinced that they were going to tell me that my entire face would be gone by Thursday. So get my ass to Target Portrait Studio and live it up now. While I still had skin. But they told me it was a virus. Shingles. Which is a form of herpes that is usually on your back and sometimes on your face. And it almost always happens to old people. Like most of the nonsense I get. So I asked her if it was possible to get it from being face raped by an angry, STD-ridden, socially deviant squirrel, because that shit happened to me just last week. And she didn’t say no inasmuch as look at me like I had a mental disability. And I don’t really take that as a no. I kinda take it as a maybe she is a lover of squirrels and is in on this whole face rape epidemic and sees that I’m onto them and is having a moment of shock at my revelation. I’m very perceptive like that.

So now my arm is feeling pretty damn good, but my face is starting to make me look like that kid in Mask. Which just makes me think of that movie. Which just makes me cry like a little bitch. And I keep singing that Katmandu song. Cuz they played it in that movie when the Mask kid got mad about his friend moving away and not going to all the places on the map with him. And he ripped the pins out and had a big hissy fit. That’s why. And for the record: I thought Sam Elliott was HOT in that movie.

And alls I can say is thank balls my Halloween costume this year is Zombie Chrissy Snow. Cuz if my face is all jacked up I really have no other choice but to be a zombie. Or Lindsay Lohan. But I think Zombies are cuter. So hopefully this latest medical fucktastrophe will only add a realism to the costume that I would not have had before. And if by chance that costume doesn’t work out, I’ll just go as me, with a stuffed squirrel taped to my face. And a bottle of Valtrex in my hand. It’s good to have a back-up plan.

P.S. Due to some wank-hole posting a very inappropriate comment on my blog, I will now be moderating all comments. So if you post and don’t see it don’t worry. Once I look at it and deem is not douche-tardy, I will post it. Thank you!

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22 Responses to “This post is about how I found out squirrels are full of skanky STD’s and the nurse at the urgent care place in my neighborhood is their master.”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    the picture of the flying rat is killing me

  2. MomeeOfTwoGirls Said:

    you are a genius.

  3. Brandy McMillan Said:

    Once again, totally awesome. I love the squirrel pic. It made me laugh

  4. Jen Said:

    The scary thing, to me, is that I actually followed this entire blog and totally understood it. Not sure if that makes us both “sane” (and I use that word loosely) or if I’ve just been trebucheted (and I’m not entirely confident that “trebuchet” can be made into a verb, but I just did so get over it)… Damn, now I forgot where I was going with this.

  5. Cheryl Said:

    Personally, I think the squirrel is adorable even if he is a Ninja and rabid and likes Patti faces. Got my first shingles face at about 40. Totally sucks and hurts like a bitch. Don’t touch it, it spreads if you break the little blisters.

    I love your blogs and your FB posts and I’m be glad to personally come over and bring my pack of squirrels and chihuahuas to attack anyone who posts nasty shit on your blog! Just give me a call!!

  6. MouthyBarberMom Said:

    The flying squirrel is hysterical. I’ll never look at them the same again…

  7. Kelly O'Sullivan Said:

    Damn, I hope I make the cut.

    I am tired just reading your post. From snoring cat to biting mosquitoes to flying squirrel to a possible Three’s Company zombie reunion (before they started replacing the Chrissies of course)I loved it all.

  8. Kitkatkootie Said:

    Oh you kill me! I’m so on board with the squirrel face rape thing. Not that I like your face hurting but that I blame squirrels. Can’t wait for zombie Chrissy snow! Feel better. Xo

  9. Anonymous Said:

    Glad your shoulder is better and sorry about the face disease. At least it’s not leprosy. Your blog is one of my favorites, and I think you do a wonderful job. Thanks for the update!

  10. Anonymous Said:

    Well done…I actually did LOL in RL!

  11. Christina Lawrence Said:

    DUDE! Sam Elliot was SMOKIN’ hot in Mask! This may sound cold, but screw the handicapped kid and the melodrama that brings up, just show me some more SAM! Funny that’s the one thing I had to pick to comment on out of all of this… but seriously, the man is HOT.

  12. Jenni Said:

    Does your face hurt? Because its Killing me!! Hahah JK no really seriously now does the shingles hurt, I had them on my arm one time and they hurt like a son of a B. Hope the meds work fast and it heals up quick. LOVE the picture!!

  13. Kristin Said:

    Totally on the same page about the whole Mask thing. Any woman who says Sam Eliot is not hot in that movie is a liar.

  14. Anonymous Said:

    Ouch! I had two little shingles blisters on my temple once. Felt like my head was on fire!

  15. Ann Cognito Said:

    And Roadhouse, too. A little.

  16. Anonymous Said:

    Shingles keep the rain out.

  17. nitty gritty mommy Said:

    this is stream of conciousness writing at its best

  18. Anonymous Said:

    Sam Elliot is Hot in every movie I’ve ever seen him in!!!

  19. Caryn Code Said:

    And this is how I find out (at almost 32) that chickenpox is caused by a herpes strain……. *facepalm*

  20. Janan Horne Said:

    The face raping squirrel has me laughing fit to be tied…LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

  21. Anonymous Said:

    Had shingles few years ago, old person virus I was told and I got it too and i’m only mid 30’s.. got it under and around my boob… seems the faceraping has progressed since last year and moved to the other lady parts…

  22. mew-luvs-mewtwo Said:

    squirls are evil… extreemly evil. like so evil that I used to carry a yard stick to hit them with when i would ride to school. They would chase me for blocks, ram into the doors as i was trying to close them. Keep raming into my car door as i screemed.

    i hate squirls… -_-

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