So first things first: I obviously survived my surgery. Which you should already know due to the fact that when I posted my guest blogger posts I also wrote little introductions. But even if I hadn’t survived my surgery I woulda probably still written those intros. Cuz like I’ve told you guys before, I plan to continue to blog from the grave. So if I have any haters out there who think they can make me stop blogging by sporking me to death or something, it’s time to get another plan. Cuz that won’t stop me one bit. In fact it will probably make my blogs even awesomer cuz I’ll have all that being sporked to death by a hater stuff to talk about. So you might as well give in and start liking me. Turn your sporking energy towards someone more deserving. Like Anne Coulter. Or whoever decided to re-make Footloose. Cuz that shit was just fine the way it was. And seeing some stranger do the Angry Warehouse Dance is like getting my heart kicked by some kinda animal that kicks really hard. Like a kangaroo. Or Jean Claude Van Damme.
And although I survived my surgery, I did lose something very important to me:
I’m only kidding you guys. The armlessness in this photo is due to the fact that I was just accidentally positioned wrong while Cathy was taking yet another picture of me on our morning walk. Although awesomely apropos, it wasn’t even on purpose. And why was Cathy taking a photo of me from behind?Probably cuz she is obsessed with me. And I know that she tells everyone that she doesn’t like to take ridiculous photos of me. But we all know she secretly loves it. Why else would she repeatedly go on walks with me and take pictures of me acting like an idiot? Plus take those face raping squirrel prevention classes at the Y? Think about that, you guys. Think. About. That.
I think the squirrels clawed that in there. They follow us around so much they certainly know what’s what.
Anyway, I did come out of surgery with both arms. I swear. And if you’re on Facebook you already know this cuz I was on there within a few days post-surgery, slowly posting with the index finger of my left hand. Like a boss. But I wasn’t really able to type enough to write a full blog post. Until now. But although I can now type an actual blog entry, I am also having PMS. Which most of you know makes me even more scattered and ADD than usual. And those of you who know me well probably know that since I made the mistake of mentioning Footloose in the first paragraph, my brain now can’t seem to focus on anything else but Kevin Bacon, his hair, and that awesome awesome Angry Dance. Which I have been on You Tube watching repeatedly since starting this blog post. ANd of course trying to re-create for The Cat. Who really seems to dig it. As she digs most of my musical performances. Then THANKFULLY I remembered that Brett did his own version of The Angry Dance on Flight of the Conchords. So I watched that. Like, 100 times. And now I have to post it for you so I can get it outta my system:
So anyhow It’s been 3 weeks since my surgery. And I’m healing like a super hero. Or like someone on True Blood who gets hurt then drinks vampire blood. Which is really unusual for me. Cuz I have had a lot of surgeries for various effed up stuff, and if there’s one thing I don’t usually do well, it’s heal. What I usually do is turn into a medical domino whereby the fixing of one thing turns into the discovery of another thing, then the fixing of that thing accidentally effs up another thing, then the fixing of the accidentally effed up thing accidentally effs up yet another thing. And so on and so forth. So the fact that I have been healing so rapidly really makes no sense at all. So maybe I did have some vampire blood that I don’t know about. I was pretty high on narcotics and in and out of consciousness for about a week there. And I did have some pretty realistic dreams about vampire Eric. So it’s totally possible that he may have visited me. Or possibly slipped some blood into the tomato soup I had one day. It did taste kinda weird now that I think about it. So when I go in for my next follow-up appointment I’m gonna tell Dr. Mattieburger that the reason I’m totally Bionic womaning this whole screw in my arm torn rotator cuff thing, is due to the vampire blood I ingested. I’ll let you know how that goes over.
And for two weeks after my surgery I couldn’t lift my right arm and it hurt like balls. And I looked like a total asshole cuz I couldn’t straighten my hair or put on makeup or anything. And I couldn’t drive so I was stuck around the house for two freakin’ weeks. So thank Rudd for Facebook. And you long-time readers know that I always say thank Rudd and for the love of Rudd and stuff like that due to the fact that I totally dig Paul Rudd and that whole adorably cute and funny situation he has going on.
I think I might write a Dear Paul Rudd blog. Kinda like the Dear James Franco blog I wrote. But less mustache and old man sweater oriented and more lets play frisbee in the park and drink some beer and spoon while watching funny movies, oriented. But what if he sees it and thinks I’m a psycho and calls the po po on me for being all stalkery and I go to prison even though I didn’t really do anything because celebrities have clout like that? Maybe prison wouldn’t be so bad. I do LOVE a good prison break movie. I watch them all. And if that shit goes down I am fully prepared to break myself out. Assuming they even get my Karate Kid Crane Kicking ass in there in the first place. And if I know anything at all I know that at least half of you guys are as weird as me if not weirder, and that you will have my back. And someday they will make a movie all about the weird mom blogger who totally freaked out Paul Rudd and went to prison for it and busted out like Tim Robbins did in Shawshank but much awesomer and with less anal rape and crawling through sewers of poo.
Actually….that having a movie made about my Rudd arrest kinda sounds interesting. So either way, cops or no cops, restraining order or no restraining order, it’s all good.
We’ll just wait and see how it pans out. But you guys should all brush up on your prison break movies just in case. I need my back-up to be prepared. As well as slightly mentally unbalanced. And if any of you guys have an Invisibility Cloak, that would rock pretty hard too.