October 3, 2011

This is a blog about all the reasons I am not fit to report to jury duty

I talk too much. And if you tell me I am not allowed to talk, I can pretty much guarantee that I’m gonna talk more.

I am very irresponsible. The first day I brought my son home from the hospital I forgot to feed him. When he wouldn’t stop crying I thought he was just an asshole.

I am obsessed with drag queens and if one was accused of a crime and I was a juror, I’d probably let her off. Or at least go on The Lam with her and start a new life with fake names and everything and lots of moving from town to town. And since drag queens are much more feminine than me, she’d pretend to be the wife and I’d have to cut my hair and pretend to be the husband and my name would be Herbert:

I used to be a criminal. I once stole a big canister of Slim Jim’s from TG&Y. And one time when Cheryl Figgenspan wouldn’t let me borrow her little plastic frying pan with rubber eggs in it (sunny side up!) I put it in my pocket and took it home with me.

I am not above lying if backed into a corner. When Cheryl Figgenspan’s mom called my mom to say that I stole the frying pan, I accused the entire Figgenspan family of trying to frame me.

The other day, for no reason at all, and even though I have an allergy to cat fur, I brushed my cat and made Wilford Brimley eyebrows out of her fur and taped them to my face and made my sister do it as well:

I want to tattoo Wonder Woman’s costume onto my body, because (a) It’s awesome, (b) I won’t have to wear clothes if I don’t want to because I will always be dressed. I know that this will work because when I was 9 I used my crayon soaps to color a wonder woman costume onto my body and then ran around the house and nobody seemed to notice that I was totally nude.

I cuss a lot. If you tell me not to cuss I can pretty much guarantee that I will probably cuss more.

I have a pet peanut that looks like a bird and his name is Nutbird and he lives in one of my houseplants:

I am forgetful. I once took my son all the way to the zoo but forgot to put his shoes or pants on.

I am a daydreamer and a terrible listener. Here’s how it will go down: Annoying D-Bag Lawyer: “Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I present to you a man who…” Β What’s going on in My Brain: “Man, if I had a Unicorn I would name him Lord Burgess Atwood and I would train him to come when I sing ‘U Can’t Touch This’, which I would totally sing right now, and he would come get me out of this juror box thingy and I would jump on his back and tell everyone ‘It’s Hammer Time, bitches’, and Lord Burgess would fart a rainbow and we’d slide on it all the way to Baskin Robbins and I’d get the S’Mores ice cream in a waffle cone and Burgey would get Bubble Gum in a dish cuz he can’t hold a cone cuz duh, unicorns don’t have hands.”

I once went to Target Portrait Studio to get this photo taken:

One time I walked all through Target with a pair of underwear stuck to the back of my shirt. And once I discovered it was there, I really didn’t care.

I totally believe in ghosts and I’m not above bringing one with me to court. I also believe in Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra’s and Vampires.

I have a really big mouth and I can in no way promise that I can keep the details of any case secret.

I am obviously unstable.

I think this is completely appropriate attire for jury duty:

If I were told to not wear that outfit, I would probably wear my graduation robe. Β If the judge gets to wear a robe, I get to wear a robe. And on the back I will iron-on the words “#1 Robe Wearer” so the judge knows that as far as rockin’ big dumb robes goes, I totally win.

Unless one of the lawyers looks like Matthew McConaughey, I’m not gonna be paying any attention.

I’m pretty sure that Judge Judy is the only person capable of properly handling a courtroom.

I sometimes do karate for my cat. I also perform scenes from musicals. She seems to really enjoy it.

I can almost guarantee that at some point I would have to yell “I object!”

My bladder is the size of a raisin and I require lots of pee breaks. If I am denied pee breaks, I will find it necessary to wear a diaper or pee in a bottle which will be extremely messy since my husband did not buy me The Whiz.

I wear a wrist brace which I will tell everyone is from hurting my hand giving too many handy-j’s to strangers in the alley, but is really from beating up hobos for sport.

I’m pretty sure that the other jurors will want to kill me, so if you choose me you risk having another murder on your hands, plus another trial, plus more taxpayer money, plus a need for more jurors. It’s an endless cycle.

I would be totally easy to bribe. All it would take is some guacamole and a margarita.

I think Charlie Sheen is some kind of evil genius.

I believe that PMS is an excuse for anything.

Did I mention that I write this blog?

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77 Responses to “This is a blog about all the reasons I am not fit to report to jury duty”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    I needed the absorbent panties after I saw the photo you had done at Target!

  2. Patti Ford Said:

    Now every time I’m in Target the portrait lady is like “When are you coming back?”

  3. Anonymous Said:

    Beautiful!

  4. Anonymous Said:

    The portrait, yes, it rocked my world, too.

    Claudia

  5. Pama-Lama Ding-Dong Watson Said:

    Will you marry me? wait, im already married. no marriage. and im not gay. but i love to cook and vacuum….

  6. Bubble Bunny Said:

    I think I’m in love with you. Marry us???

  7. Anonymous Said:

    I’m pretty sure YOU are the evil genius here. You should marry me instead of these other ladies

  8. Daisy Said:

    Thank -you for the introduction. I know I like you.
    As far as I can see you out do Charlie Sheen in everyway as an evil genius.

  9. Kitkatkootie Said:

    Good lawd woman you are an Evil funny genius.

  10. Anonymous Said:

    Priceless who does this I love this Yes I believe there is a method to your madness. Thumbs up to you and Charlie LMAO

  11. Maureen Said:

    I have to go grab my cat and brush him. He hates that shit and I may end up bloody but I’m going for eyebrows AND a mustache. Possibly a goatee. Pictures in the offing in MY blog, “The Padded Cell.” Read it. Follow it. Live it. Oh – I am Grown Ass Rebellion. Among other people. It’s complicated in my head. And I NEVER get called for jury duty anymore. One day I’ll tell you why.

  12. megan Said:

    patti, you’re fuckin’ funny and i love you.

  13. amorninggrouch Said:

    I think sporting a fake mustache and/or eyebrows (made out of cat hair, or synthetic fabric) is completely acceptable for any occasion. Bravo and glad you re-posted, since I missed it the first time around.

  14. cincin Said:

    Hilarious! If the last few days of following you around to scope out new web amusements are any indication, we’re going to see a drop in my productivity. I’ll recover, right? =)

  15. hippie_chick Said:

    Double DITTO!

  16. Lynn Reilly Said:

    Real and God Damn Hilarious!

  17. Anonymous Said:

    You are so friggen hilarious! I have tears down my face now from reading your blog. Thank you for that!

  18. Maureen Said:

    Just in case I haven’t told you lately, you ARE an evil genius and I’m going to Target Portrait Studios this Saturday.

  19. Anonymous Said:

    Lol, you just gave me an idea for our Christmas cards photo. I’m pretty sure my husband will flip out once he sees what I’ve planned.

  20. Bartholomew Smyth Gherkin Said:

    I think I love you.

  21. Anonymous Said:

    You need to make Youpo……. I mean YouTube videos. Bet they would be hill-larry-us!

  22. AmberBrownCrayon Said:

    Seriously, you are my hero. I intend to stay up way too late reading every word of this blog.

  23. Anonymous Said:

    You are fricken killing me!!!!!!! I almost peed myself laughing while reading this!

  24. Damn Sam Said:

    I snorted, I choked, I pee’d a little, this is fantastic!

  25. Jaymi Said:

    I’ve just started really checking your page daily and reading your stuff. But I have to tell you I think I’m falling in love with you. πŸ™‚ Lol your awesome keep me laughing love .

  26. Anonymous Said:

    I absolutely love you=)

    When I read what you said about not feeding your son… Well, I always joke that when I become a mom, that I’ll be the one forgetting to feed my kid. =P

  27. Anonymous Said:

    I forget to feed my kid. Then she gets all crabby and I think -what the hell is wrong with her??? OOOOHHHH wait. Did I feed it?

  28. Anonymous Said:

    My daughter will be you in her future, Lord Help me, but she might be my favorite (I have 3 to choose from and haven’t decided yet). Thank God I have found my home… and I now know it’s not just me (like those voices in my KEEP telling me).

  29. Darkness Said:

    I read this and laughed my ass off the entire way through. It’s a good thing I’m not a judge. You would totally be elected in my courtroom. πŸ˜€

  30. amanda Said:

    I am pretty sure we were separated at birth.

  31. Anonymous Said:

    If i didnt have a criminal record or came from canada i would stock you…:)

  32. HF Said:

    You had me at “When he wouldn’t stop crying, I thought he was an asshole.” Your blog is my new obsession.

  33. JaneofDark Said:

    I used to throw peices of broken road (tar) at a retarded kid when I was younger. I’ve out grown that since.. You are very funny! πŸ™‚

  34. Noelia Jaime Interlandi Said:

    I told you before and ill say it again.I just love you!You crack me up!

  35. Anonymous Said:

    Are you my twin sister? Hope not, only cousin. I do know a judge in Arkansas, but that drag thing???Role Play, what to do with my Chippendales tie.? Okies, how about a honeymoon to Suicide Cliff. Almost retired right up the beach, but had a bad feeling about my goofy dog and no fence, not to mention my exes ex…Oh, well, Charlie is a Genius, I live half his life, just have to “squat” in the beach house. Oh, and that money thinggy too, if we have to bribe our way outta Mexico, hope you got yours. I hear with inflation they want the money in both my shoes.

  36. Anonymous Said:

    So funny

  37. Anonymous Said:

    can i grow up to be like you…? will you be my mentor…?

  38. TARAdise11 Said:

    I can’t get enough of your blog…or FB posts

  39. Debbie R Said:

    I LOVE YOU!!!

  40. Anonymous Said:

    Love the blog, love the comments, love the pics…keep em coming girl! Guac and Margaritas are two of my favoritest things in life, good to know I’m not alone! Can’t wait to see what else you throw at us…peace out!

  41. goodstuff Said:

    *bows* amazing, loooove to read, you had me at Insane :))

  42. I'll have to say I love you in a song... Said:

    gosh your blog makes my blog look really boring

  43. California Dreamer Said:

    I am sharing your blog with all my friends!!!! Any blog in which the author is honest enough to call her kid ass hole for crying because she forgot to feed him is too good to not share! Hilarious…also, thank you for putting spell check in your reply box! πŸ™‚

  44. OCali Said:

    I have benn laughing my ass off for the past 2 days !

  45. Unknown Said:

    I have always known that I was a twin and my parents gave me away to some twisted people. I am so happy to have found my twin. Actually, I think we might have been quints!!

  46. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms Said:

    My dad’s a judge and I just told him to read this. He, the 60 plus year old judge, said through his tears of laughter that he would love to have you in his courtroom. For realz. Silly, naughty, funny, smart girl. If I offer you half my popsicle, can we be friends? Erin

  47. aubrey moore from your facebook page Said:

    As usual- love you and everything you write.. lol… seriously- you lighten my mood and brighten my day because I always laugh and then in turn have a funny story to tell my husband. Which I do over the phone while he is at work. And did I mention when I try to retell funny stories or jokes I am usually laughing more then talking.. lol.. yeah its crazy but hubby finds it cute and amusing. Sooo thankyou!!! πŸ™‚

  48. LilBunEfoofoo Said:

    Ridiculously funny!

  49. Anonymous Said:

    This is great,, I officially love you.!!

  50. gary L. Said:

    I like the way you think. I’ll never vote again because that’s how them jerks pick us for jury duty.

  51. Chels Said:

    Will you adopt me? I mean, I love my parents, but like, I think I can swing having three. I’ll make it work somehow. They can deal with the real responsibilities like paying for my medical bills, and you can feed me cupcakes and take me to Target on a regular basis. Actually, nevermind, this made me feel guilty, I love my actual parents too much. I still like you, though.

    Maybe you should adopt my friend who sent me the link to your blog. (Her mom thought Alaska was an island. This is a grown woman. She is a nurse. Wh.f.dhjgkf) Anyway. We’ll all hang out. Together we can be an Awe-Inspiring Trifecta of Ultimate Goodness, bringing glee and joy to the world with your pygmy goat as our sidekick. With capes, obviously. And tiaras.

    I had something else I wanted to add to this comment but I forgot what it is, luckily for you. This comment is way too long, which I will admit, but I refuse to shorten it. In closing, I disagree with your sentiments on Charlie Sheen, but I think that your cat eyebrows more than make up for this incongruence. We shall enrich each other’s lives with humor, and alcohol once I turn 21, which is in a few months. I only say this because you are exactly the type of person I’d love to have a drink with, and I hope the fact that I’m jumping on that a few months early does not make this creepy.

    tl;dr you are a silly human being and I like that so very much. I will now proceed to follow your blog postings, and I shall add you to my RSS feed with gusto. Ta.

  52. Anonymous Said:

    Read this as a recent like to your facebook blog and I must say your posts brighten my day. Thanks for posting. πŸ™‚

  53. Jessica Said:

    This is the funniest shit ever! you make me smile n feel all warm n fuzzy inside!

  54. Karen Sanders Said:

    My work in human services didn’t get me off. This is a much better script.

  55. Jamie Said:

    Your pretty funny! I’m not fit for jury duty either…I once had my doctor from Kaiser write me an excuse letter and I sent it back in with my plea to excuse me…and it worked!

  56. Anonymous Said:

    you totally make my day when I’m having a bad one! Thanks!

  57. Cheryl Smith Said:

    If I were a man. Or a lesbian, I would marry you!

  58. Anonymous Said:

    Omgeeze! U ur crazy an I digg it! Your truly great! Your Hilariousness is of the charts funny. Glad to have ya as a part of my morning, afternoon news. Lol. But fa realz, kudos big props to you. Be blessed and share the love.

  59. Rachel Hockaday Said:

    You are hilarious! So glad I’m not the only person who ever thought my kid was being an asshole and realized he was hungry! πŸ˜‰

  60. Anonymous Said:

    a lady after my own heart . . we think along the same lines πŸ˜‰

  61. katdodge Said:

    damn girl.. you had me at the pet peanut.. haven’t laughed this hard since the waiting room at the ortho reading the “Herman” cartoon book.. thank you.. thank you very much..

  62. Anonymous Said:

    I could not stop laughing. And when I laugh my checks make my eyes fo all Chinese like, so too me a.good while to read this blog.

  63. Anonymous Said:

    If if I was a man and you were single I’d marry you. Oh my god woman, you are so funny. I thought I was weird and crazy….but compared to you I’m sane, normal and boring:)

  64. Anonymous Said:

    the cat fur eyebrows are rockin!

  65. Robin Jefferis Said:

    I seriously cannot stop laughing…tears at work from laughing..is not a good thing..I freaking laughed so hard!! Thank you very much! Rough week just vanished into laughter πŸ™‚

  66. Nicky from the UK Said:

    I wish you were my neighbour, you are just so funny and super cool. πŸ˜‰

  67. nikki Said:

    OMG you brought tears to my eyea with this one. It may be the vino hangover talking, but I think you’re effing awesome and that everyone should follow you and your madness and that if we lived closer we would totally be bff’s but completely not in a stalkerish way.

  68. Stacey Olson Said:

    hahaha, you are my favourite.

  69. kim Said:

    I have bin a follower of yours on fb for a while but this is the 1st time ive read this blog!! Your awesome, i love the unicorn, tash wearing, insane woman you are!! U make me smile daily xxxx

  70. Martha Said:

    5 words…..Priscilla Queen Of The Desert!

  71. Anonymous Said:

    Your an absolute genius. <3

  72. SweetNikkiLee Said:

    man i love u….totally wish my brain aloud me to function as urs does my life would be so badass ….ugh u shoukd really consider a boom. or class like a Mom Brain training camo! not only could u make lots of monies but ud make the world a much bettee place …u are certainly 1 in a million, tge world could so use more Patti’s oxox

  73. jharrison1120 Said:

    So, I’m browsing facebook the other day and I noticed that my brother had liked a post from your page and I was all like, “why’s my bro likin’ this MOM page, he’s not a mom unless he’s been hiding something from me the last 24 years”. So, I hopped on over to your page, which somehow led me here. And now I’m about to piss myself from laughing so hard and my kid is in the background going “what’s funny, mom”, to which I responded “nothing, you can’t see, go away!” πŸ™‚

  74. Anonymous Said:

    I love the NutBird! You say everything most people want to say! I love it!

    Stacey

  75. Anonymous Said:

    You are my hero.
    -Nikki

  76. Anonymous Said:

    Too much hilarity to be legal in one post haha

  77. Funny Is Family Said:

    I have jury duty in a month, and now I’m gonna feel like a pussy when I’m not wearing a #1 Robe Wearer robe.

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