August 10, 2011

This post doesn’t have a title cuz it’s really all over the place and totally ridiculous. Which I guess could be the title. But I’m too lazy to change it now.

I’m back. I’ve been a traveling fool, you guys. I went to Missouri for three weeks, during which time I saw some friends, didn’t see some friends, found out some of my friends were totally bat shit crazy, found out others kinda sucked ass, and found out some were still awesome. At this point I really can’t remember which friends fell into which categories cuz I have a 5 minute memory span, so I will basically start over fresh next time I go to Missouri. So those of you who feel like maybe you dropped the ball or acted like a douche-nozzle, have ample time to get your shit together.

While in Missouri I also did a lot of flea marketing and purchasing of things that make The Hub say things like “Why the hell did you buy that?” I also went on a float trip with 2 of my favorite friends and drank a lot of beer and acted like bikini-clad morons who had escaped from a maximum-security psych ward. On this float trip I discovered that one of my friends is severely addicted to chewing tobaccy and gets pretty bitchy and crazy if she doesn’t have it. Yes, SHE. And I found out that one friend only poops like twice a month and is carrying around approximately 20 pounds of poop weight at all times and is getting some kind of toxic poop poisoning or something that is pretty bummery and gross. I also discovered that some people are very passive aggressive and will totally screw you out of your giant pickle if given the chance. And also, that same friend is totally, balls to the wall, nutso. And I am really entertained by that.

I also found out that another friend of mine is a big dumb liar who likes to tell me about a gaggle of Goaticorns and draw me a map to go way out into the boonies to find said gaggle of Goaticorns and make me end up finding nothing. Why? Probably cuz she’s jealous of my ability to make everything awesome. Either that or she’s just a wank-hole. And maybe, just maybe, she actually wants to get sporked in the ovarnads. But rest assured, I can make even a wasted trip out to the boonies to see a gaggle of invisible Goaticorns, amazingly fun and productive.

On my trip I also ate enough fried cheese balls to kill a normal human. Which we all know I am not. And I planked and koala’d and armadillo’d the shit out of everything in sight. And I possibly accidentally killed a person.

It was a very busy time.

But now I’m back and I’m finally getting in the swing of having to do things like take care of people and cook and grocery shop and clean stuff and all of the real-life things that suck balls.

And I’m finally trying to get back into the swing of blogging. But I’ve been distracted because while I
I was in Missouri I got a fan page on Facebook that I have kinda become addicted to mainly because there are so many really weird and hilarious people who have found me and are helping me keep myself highly entertained. I can talk about ANYTHING and these guys are totally down with it. And I’m pretty sure that if I ever needed to rob a place, or kill another person or hide another body or whatever, at least 60% of these people would totally help me out with that. We are very into eachother.

And me and my FB peeps, we keep busy by shooting the shit about things like the fact that last week my friend Melissa gave birth to my baby and I was her texting birth coach and basically walked her through the whole process even though she refused to ask her doctors if she could keep the placenta and eat it due to the fact that I said it gives you super-powers and supple skin, or even to save the placenta to give to me so I could mix it with an avocado seed and make a Babycado tree which would produce babies that poop avocados that I could sell on the black market for money with which to buy candy and beer and regular avocados that didn’t come out of a baby’s a-hole. And she also refused to name the baby, OUR baby, Patti Reeses Cup Bland which is the best name ever cuz (a) it’s partly my name, and (b) it’s partly the name of a delicious candy bar, both of which are totally NOT bland and therefore off-set the bland last name of Bland since that is her husband’s last name and even though it’s my baby I refuse to marry her cuz I don’t like that kind of responsibility and stuff.

So basically I discovered that Melissa is really quite selfish.

On my awesome Facebook page we also discussed the fact that there was a boy in high school that I lightly made out with and dry humped in a wheat or something field once while Led Zeppelin played in the background (on the radio not the real band, although that would have totally rocked my world) and recently sent a Facebook friend request to, which he ignored. After inquiring with some other high school peeps, I learned that his wife is a bit, ummm, mean, so I am guessing that he is not allowed to accept requests from people whose tongues were at one point in his mouth. But I, being me, was not accepting that. So I sent him an email telling him that he hurt my feelings, which are very delicate since I got released form prison for stabbing a guy and stalking a few others. But I am doing better cuz of therapy and medication and everything and hardly have any anger issues anymore at all and so why won’t he friend me, yo? (P.S. In case you are a freak who takes me seriously, just so ya know, I made that whole prison thing up.) Then he blocked me. So I decided that something is afoot. And I’m about 99% sure that the something is that I may have possibly impregnated him with some weird wheat baby due to the full moon and alignment of the planets and the breeze and the saliva and all the wheat or whatever it was. And the gestation period was probably like 10 years or something and by the time he even really knew what was happening he felt it was too late to tell me about it cuz I’d probably think he was crazy so he raised that wheat baby alone for 11 years and then I came back into his life and he’s trying to keep it secret from me and still has feelings for me that he really can’t handle and stuff so he blocked me so he doesn’t have to face all of that and open old wounds and everything. So now there is a Facebook page for NotPatti Ford and she has sent him a friend request and is waiting patiently to hear from him. And NotPatti Ford is like a Bizzaro-World version of regular Patti Ford who hates everything Patti Ford likes and likes everything she hates. She hates Jason O’Mara. And loves Dolph Lundgren. Bitch is crazy. And she attached a note with her request that said “I am NOT Patti Ford. Duh.”

This is NotPatti Ford. She is NOT Patti. Duh.

And this is what I’ve been doing with my time since I got back. That and impregnating unicorns then denying it. Which is the one thing NotPatti Ford and I have in common.

And although I finally sat still long enough to write you guys a blog post, you can see that I am very distracted by lots and lots of really mature and important stuff and that this blog post you’ve all been waiting for pretty much sucks. But thems the cards you were dealt and I guess you’ll have to suck it up.

XOXO and thanks for missing me!

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12 Responses to “This post doesn’t have a title cuz it’s really all over the place and totally ridiculous. Which I guess could be the title. But I’m too lazy to change it now.”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    I love you.

  2. lecia Said:

    ooh maybe anonymous is actually your pattiwheat baby’s father, and he is afraid to tell you his feelings in real life so he used anonymous and hoped that you wouldn’t know it was him. just a hunch..

  3. Aims Said:

    well, *i* love you, too. and not anonymously!

    SO needed this hysteria today. is hysteria the grammatically correct abomination of hysterical or am i just admitting that i’m batshit?

  4. pinwheelsandpoppies Said:

    I’m not sure why you think this post sucks, it’s like music to me.
    Every line flows seamlessly into the next, and the context and form are Hemingway-esque.
    Sheer poetry, it is.
    One of my favorite parts was,
    “On my trip I also ate enough fried cheese balls to kill a normal human. Which we all know I am not. And I planked and koala’d and armadillo’d the shit out of everything in sight. And I possibly accidentally killed a person.

    It was a very busy time.”

    You didn’t miss a beat. So well written. So very well worth the wait. Brings tears to me eyes.

  5. Nicole Jordan Said:

    I wholeheartedly agree pinwheelsandpoppies! This truly is an eloquently written comediacly rounded post if I ever saw one. Pure unadulterated fun read. ((hugs)) and *squeezes* for making me lol oh and yes comediacly is a word darn it even if my phone doesn’t think it is lol

  6. Tonya G. Said:

    Is there a house for sale in your neighborhood? I have this urge to be really close to you…

  7. Patti Ford Said:

    Lecia…I think you are totally onto something.
    Aims…I love you too.
    Pinwheels…You are obviously very smart and literacy-ish.
    Tonya…There are many. And I just told The Hub that I wish some of my FB likers lived in my hood cuz I do not know nearly enough weirdos. I need more. They are hard to come by around here.

  8. Shaeeza Haniff Said:

    I want to sit at your feet and drink in from the fountain of your awesomeness. I want to be just like you when all the blahs make love to the crazies in my head and bring forth itty bitty love children of the crazies.

  9. bc2gaskin Said:

    Love it

  10. Ryann De Wilde Said:

    Damn… I needed that today !!! Thank you for your ‘blah’ blog that makes me pee my pants a little 🙂

  11. 50 Shades of f@&ked up Said:

    that was great…thanx! sure needed the laugh.

  12. Mitch H. Said:

    You are absolutely amazing!!

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