July 26, 2011

Sometimes when I have lots of time on my hands and willing co-conspirators, I do things that really don’t make sense.

Yes. It’s true. 2 blogs. 2 days in a row. Suck on that you complainers. Suck. On. That.

Although I told you guys yesterday that I’d write you a blog today, I kinda thought that I’d laze out at the last minute and put it off another day. Cuz let’s face reality here: That IS hows I roll. But my night of fun got cut short due to my Aunt getting herself all impregnated with a Mexican Fart Baby named Pedo Frijoles and going into labor and forcing me to do Lamaze and be responsible for keeping her calm and distracted and stuff, until she was finally able to get home and give birth to him in the bathtub. And then my sister started watching a Lifetime channel special on Casey Anthony which obviously made me vomit in my mouth a little bit as most Lifetime Channel shows do, except for the ones where someone is trying to murder Tori Spelling,  so I had to retire to the guest room where there is nothing to do but surf the internet for weird stuff and write blogs.

So basically the only reason I kept my promise to you guys to write something today is cuz of my slutty Aunt and her fart baby and my sister and her Lifetime.

Well, that plus the fact that I have some really really stupid photos to share with you guys. Photos of some really really stupid stuff that my Aunt Bengie and I have been doing. Cuz we’re just a tad bit weird.

Like I said yesterday, I have planked many things, and I was getting tired of the planking. But I hesitated to move on to Owling because it kinda looks like the same pose I use when I’m camping and I have to pee outside. And I kinda had a fear that if I got into that pose my bladder would think I was camping and automatically pee. Plus, I thought that it just didn’t look quite stupid enough. Passers by would probably think I was just taking a little rest. And what’s fun about that? If people aren’t looking at you like you’re a nut job, then I honestly can’t see the point.

So in an effort to look as stupid as possible, I have started doing two things for no other reason than to look stupid in public:

#1-Koalaing (Inspired by the fact that I’ve been not-so-patiently waiting for months for Jason O’Mara to send me one but he is too chicken to catch one for me even though they are very docile and squishy)

This is Koalaing. And no. I didn’t know those people. When I walked up to them I just told them to ignore me and go about their business, then I climbed onto the table and did this. For once, someone actually listened to me. The dude just kept on talking about stars and weather patterns and stuff, and the woman just stared at him and intently listened. They acted like I wasn’t even there. It was awesome.

This is my Aunt Bengie Koala-ing. And yes. The thing on the left is the legs of a mother-effin’ GIANT chicken. The one on the right is, basically, a pile of dog pee. I hope she burned those shorts.

I tried to koala a man at Bass Pro but he told me his wife (who was in the store somewhere) would basically kill me, and he seemed to be pretty scared. So I pouted and gave up. Although, truth be told, the image of me Koala-ing some dude while his wife attacks me, sounds kinda awesome. Like, if she jumped on MY back it’d be a double Koala-ing, and that would pretty much rock.

#2- Armadilloing (Inspired by the hundreds of armadillos I see dead on the road each and every day. This is my tribute to them)

      And no. I didn’t know those other picnic table people either. I walked up and said “Shit’s about to get weird,” then laid on the table like a dead dillo. Then I dillo’d a caterpillar. A big fake one. Not a real one. I may be weird, but I’m not a caterpillar crusher.

This is Bengie Armadilloing. People just kept walking my all “La de da” like nothing was happening. Sure, I saw them sneaking glances, and the looks on their faces were pretty confused, but nobody said anything at all.

And guess what, you guys? I can’t stop doing these things. My mind is now constantly scanning every perimeter for things I can Koala or Armadillo. It’s an addiction. And I want you guys to join in. All the not-so-cool not-so-much-kids are doing it. So join in and send me your photos. The weirder the better.

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8 Responses to “Sometimes when I have lots of time on my hands and willing co-conspirators, I do things that really don’t make sense.”

  1. queenneenthirteen Said:

    you. are. my. hero!

  2. Stephanie Uzzell Said:

    I simply CANNOT wait to Koala something tomorrow…

  3. Patti Ford Said:

    Oh STephanie…Please please do! And send me a photo.

  4. Patti Ford Said:

    queenneenthirteen…this so worries me.

  5. Anonymous Said:

    Sometimes I wish I was gay. ***sigh*** For now, I guess I’ll just hope to be BFF’s someday….

  6. Copswife2011 Said:

    LOL Thanks! Very funny!

  7. AmberBrownCrayon Said:

    Oh man. Choking. I’m glad that you saw Eat Prey Love, because I really, really need to dry hump you. Cough…

  8. Loni Schiavone Said:

    this is just too funny! and i too must koala something! when i grow up i wanna be like you!

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