July 12, 2011

Brokeback Mountain. Part Two. Icelandic Edition.

Shut up. I’ve been busy, you guys. I told you that in the summer it’s super hard for me to find time to write anything since The Boy is home. I’m pretty sure that there is some kind’ve toxic something in his farts that kills my brain cells. And believe me, I’m surrounded by a cloud of that stuff all day. And whatever brain cells that toxic fart cloud doesn’t kill, the Margaritas and Beer take care of. So basically in the summer I’m pretty damn useless. And I’ve been meaning to write something on here for a week, but I just never had time. 

But tonight I settled in to watch Man Vs. Wild, and it was like a gift from Heaven. If Heaven was a gay porn shop.

On tonight’s episode, Bear Grylls took Jake Gyllenhaal to Iceland. It was very cold. They were on a mountain. I pretty much knew what was gonna happen next.

The following is an excerpt of dialogue from tonight’s episode. I swear I did not make this up:

“I’m up for anything.”
“Nothing’s ever tasted so good.”
“I might falls in a crev-ass”
“I have a high risk of falling in a hole” 
“This opening looks small, but the actual hole is probably much bigger.”

“Team work in this situation is crucial. You never know when you’re gonna need your buddy.” 
“In a situation like this you need a more experienced member at the top… So it will be Jake    that is descending into the hole.”

“It’s definitely nerve-wracking watching Jake disappear over the edge of the hole.”
Bear: “What’s it like down there Jake?” 
Jake: “It’s hot and it smells like crap!”
“This is tough work. And slow going. Let’s just hope Jake is not having second thoughts back there.”
“For a first timer, Jake is doing good.”
“Jake just needs to stay relaxed and keep pushing.”
Bear: “The worm will be packed with protein.”
Jake: “It’s squirming around in my mouth.”
“Jake is shivering badly. It’s imperative that I get him pumped up and on the move as quickly as possible.”
Bear: “Jake’s balls, I’m not joking. Jake’s balls.”
Jake: “Well, they’re right up in my throat right now.”
“I’ve done this before, but for Jake, this is his first.”
Jake: “How you doing Bear?”
Bear: “Tired! But hanging in there!”
“Finish strong. Finish strong”
“Break it down into small bite size chunks, and the end will eventually come.”
“Jake’s technique is looking good. His body’s relaxed.”
“It must be working for Jake. I just hope he’s not gonna burn himself out.”
“Jake’s initial adrenaline rush has worn off, and he’s beginning to tire.”
“That was pretty scary! It was pretty wobbly in the middle wasn’t it?”
“That was incredible. That was a moment I’ll never forget in my life.”
“Talk about being thrown into the deep end.”

Thank you, Discovery Channel. Thank you for writing this blog for me. Me and my dead brain cells totally appreciate it.

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13 Responses to “Brokeback Mountain. Part Two. Icelandic Edition.”

  1. Eric Benjamin Said:

    LMAO! I watched it and could only think it was the survivalist version of Top Gun!

  2. kim Said:

    I’m not even sure how I stumbled upon your blog, but I absolutely adore your thoughts! You are one very funny woman and I’m eager to read more!

    Also, on another post you said you have to see the bug’s carcass to be sure it is dead… I’m the exact same way!

    xoxo Kim

  3. Irish mama Said:

    Thanks Patti for the best laugh I’ve had for as long as I can remember. Couldn’t sleep last night and came across your blog on my iphone in bed. The whole bed was shaking with my laughter. You are bloody hilarious and totally bonkers. If you’re this funny in real life, you should have your own stand-up comedy slot! By the way, I’m an Irish leprechaun exterminator, the Irish-Americans love the little guys but we regard them as vermin, a bit like you seem to feel about hobos.

  4. Christine Said:

    omg!! I was just thinking she should have her own comedy show too

  5. Robyn Said:

    That has to be one of the funniest things I have read in a long time! Thank you!!! 🙂

  6. John Stinson Said:

    always had a sneaking suspicion of anyone named bear NOT being gay…that episode TOTALLY confirmed it!! roflmfao

  7. Aims Said:

    the best shit i’ve read today. maybe this week.

  8. Kage Said:

    I came online for the usual trival of checking my Facebook and pretending I cared that someone has the day off work while I still have to go, but came across you blog in an MWDaS post. I love it. Made wasting time getting ready totally worth it! Keep it up, I can’t wait to see what else you have to say!

  9. Suburban Snapshots Said:

    I just want to know how you documented all of the quotes. I mean, DVR? Or did you live-note it? Did you do a shot each time some suggestively gay innuendo presented itself? I think you could really take this places.

  10. Patti Ford Said:

    I was watching it 15 minutes behind real time on a DVR. Within the first 5 minutes I knew it was pure gold. I watched the entire show then just paused on the good quotes and typed them straight into my blog. It was just handed to me on a really gay silver platter.

  11. Christine Said:

    you are a very clever lady and make me lmfao everyday

  12. Anonymous Said:

    Moments like these are the reason my hubby won’t watch pro wrestling with my daughters or me in the room. we turn down the volume and the gay dialogue flies. Kiss him… Kiss him…

  13. dredailey3 Said:

    Hahahahahahaha, awesome. All of it. I love you Patti.

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