June 13, 2011

This Post Pretty Much Sucks Cuz My Brain Is Being Melted By Allergies And A Stalker Cat

Holy balls, you guys. You know how I thought Ethan’s cat was annoying? Well, she wasn’t. She was pretty awesome. And I only say that cuz she is such a pain in the ass now that I can finally recognize how un-pain-in-the-assy she actually was back then. Back when I could actually write a blog without this kinda smothery stalker crap:

Like it’s not annoying enough to try to write a blog when you have carpal tunnel and the inability to focus on any task for more than 2 minutes without getting distracted by something shiny, or a noise, or a smell, or a daydream about having your own finger monkey circus, or a daydream about getting a pedicure with Paul Rudd. Now I have to deal with this crap too?

So I’m pretty sure the reason that this cat has gotten like, a mazillion times more stalky and needy in the past week is cuz The Boy is out of school for the summer. And he now has nothing else to do all day but drive the cat and me insane. And since I will send him to his room and take money away from him if he annoys me too much, he usually chooses to annoy the cat instead. And if he annoys the cat, then she annoys me, and it’s an endless cycle of shit that all culminates into my margarita and beer addiction. Which will most-likely end up making me get some kind of alcohol-related liver disease or weight gain or turn me into one of those loud-mouthed douchebags you always see at bars and/or sporting events. Wait. I think that one has already happened.

Thanks a lot, Ethan and stupid cat. Way to go turning me into an a-hole.

And since the cat is now sitting on my good hand, AND I have a cat allergy and have been out of my allergy meds for over a month due to the fact that I am too lazy and forgetful to re-fill the prescription,  and also because I sometimes just quit taking prescribed medications so I can see if I have cured whatever ailment I am taking them for, with my super brain power, it is a miracle that I can even write at all. And also, since I can barely see out of my left eye it should be noted that my brain power allergy curing did not work this time. But I’m still not giving up.

And I can’t really blame The Boy for focusing so much energy on driving the cat insane. I had a cat of my own when I was his age. And I used to dress her up like Laura Ingalls and I would be Nellie and I’d make her act out scenes from my favorite Little House On The Prairie Laura/Nellie bad-ass altercation episodes. But I will say one thing, that cat never went whining to my mom. When she’d had enough of me she would just bite and scratch the holy crap outta me. And that, annoying cat, is the way it oughta be.

But on another subject…

The day I tripled my readership is the same day that I wrote the blog that pretty much revolved around poop. Which is kinda unfortunate for the-person-who-is-not-my-sister, cuz I wrote about her impending houseboat/poop problem. And now the-person-who-is-not-my-sister is probably not super-duper happy that that particular story has been read by thousands of people. But that is something that I cannot and will not accept any blame for. The Universe works in mysterious ways, you guys. And some of you have written to me wanting to know how that whole poop thing turned out. Which really shows me that you guys don’t have a whole lot going on in your lives right now. Which is fine with me. Cuz that’s why you’re here reading this bullshit.

So anyway, the-person-who-is-not-my-sister drank some kind of hippie dippie poop tea before her trip to help clean things out. Then she had a 1 or 2 day road trip during which she did not poop. Then she was on the houseboat for 3 or 4 days during which time she took my advice and pushed out a few inconspicuous nuggets here and there. But nothing substantial like she woulda done if she’d just taken my Folgers poop-can advice. Then she had a road trip back home, during which she did not poop. So basically aside from a few sneaky nuggets, she did not poop for approximately 7 days. Which is not comfortable.  Especially when you need to be in a swimming suit and participating in water sports. I once went 7 days without pooping. This was when I was living in a college dorm, which is a really tough place to poop if your bowels have stage fright like mine do. But after 7 horrible days I finally decided to try a laxative. Which is also the same night I decided to share a whole bottle of tequila with my roommate. And although it works…this mixture, you guys, is not something I recommend.

So anyway, the-person-who-is-not-my-sister finally went poop after 7 days and she is now fine, but never wants to go through something like that ever again. And she thanks you all for being so invested in her poop situation. Yes, she’s slightly creeped-out by your interest, but she thanks you nonetheless.

And the same week that I told you guys about that whole thing, I had to take a sample of The Boy’s poop to the doctor’s office. Which The Boy was super excited about. Cuz #1-he got to poop on a toilet covered with Saran Wrap. Which, if you ask me, should really be a use that is mentioned in the Saran Wrap commercials. And #2 (no pun intended)-I had to use plastic silverware to get just the right amount of poop into the poop carrying cup. Which The Boy thought was awesome. And #3-I had to keep the poop in the refrigerator overnight in a bag labeled “Ethan’s Poop.” And #4-The next day I had to drive to the doctor’s office with the bag-o-poop in my passenger seat. Which The boy found hysterically funny. But I just hoped that I didn’t get into a car accident or get pulled over by the cops with a bag-o-poop sitting next to me. Cuz that’s just sort of an awkward situation to explain. Especially since I had the poop buckled in. And also cuz I named it George Jefferson, cuz he was small, brown, and sassy. And even though -if I got pulled over- my brain would tell me NOT to share that information with the police, I know enough about myself to know that I would have shared it all.

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One Response to “This Post Pretty Much Sucks Cuz My Brain Is Being Melted By Allergies And A Stalker Cat”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    I once had to drive to the doctors with a baby food jar with semen in it.
    Which was pretty ironic when they told me to put it in a baby food jar since the reason I was transporting it in that fashion was that I have having artificial insemination cause I couldn’t get pregnant. So–why would I have any baby food jars in the house!
    My point–I hoped I wasn’t stopped by the cops too–also because I had the jar between my legs because I had to keep said contents warm!


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