June 16, 2011

Most People Couldn’t Put Up With My Ridiculousness For 15 Minutes. But Some Weirdo Has Done It For 15 Years.

So Wednesday was my 15th wedding anniversary. Or, OUR 15th wedding anniversary. I can’t hog all the glory cuz let’s face it: The Hub deserves some mother-effin’ accolades here. The dude has been married TO ME for 15 YEARS. And since I’m such a pain in the ass, I really consider our marriage years like dog years. Which means that he has put up with my shenanigans for 105 years. Which is how old this guy is:
Which is probably how The Hub feels deep down inside. And I’m sure he often prays for old-man deafness. And at times, squinted-up cataracty eyeballs. So he doesn’t have to hear my weirdo bullshit. Or singing. Or see my “sexy” dances. Or oh-so-attractive pajamas which consist of either my mustache or karate man boxers and an old tank top.

A trip to Victoria’s Secret would be wasted on me.

So 15 years ago this man actually married me. And as far as I know, nobody was holding a gun to his head. As crazy as it sounds, I’m pretty sure he married me of his own free will. Which kinda makes me think that just maybe he’s not a smart as everyone thinks he is. Either that or my dad paid him off.

And don’t tell me that the dude didn’t know what he was in for. We had dated for 6 years and lived together for 1. Come on. Even if I wanted to fake him out I couldn’t keep up a charade for 7 long years. My maximum attention span is about 5 minutes. And that’s only if food, beer, tiny animals, drag queens, or Paul Rudd is involved. Otherwise it’s more like 3. 

On our honeymoon in Kauai the poor man was trying to keep a Travel Journal. So one afternoon when he was in the bathroom I opened it up to see what he’d been writing and I noticed that he had been very, very detailed about every little thing that we had done. Right down to what food we’d eaten. So on the next empty line I wrote something along the lines of “At 3:15 PM I took a hellacious dump. Odor was about a 6 on a 1-10 scale. It felt amazing.” And later that day when he picked it up to probably write about shell we had seen or a fallen leaf, he saw what I had written and he threw the journal away. 

Dude knew what he was getting into.

So in the spirit of this, OUR 15th Anniversary, I want to say “Thank You” to The Hub for sticking it out. And also for not stabbing me. Yet. And here is a re-run of a few conversations we had last year that really explain the dynamics of our relationship. Plus one previously un-published bonus conversation at the end.

I think you will all agree that although I am amazingly stupid, I was smart enough to marry a wonderfully patient and understanding man.

Sunny Friday. Windows down. Steve driving. Me in the passenger seat….
Me:  Mother frick! There’s something on me! It’s a bug! Help! Help! Get it offa me! Get it! Get it! GET IT!
Steve:  Calm down. (Swats at it)
Me:  What the hell? What did you do?
Steve:  I got it off of you.
Me:  You swatted it down. YOU SWATTED IT DOWN! You’re supposed to grab and remove. GRAB AND REMOVE! You just sent it to another part of my body! Where is it? Oh my God…I feel something in my pit. THERE’S SOMETHING MOVING IN MY LEFT PIT! ALL YOU DID WAS RELOCATE IT TO MY ARMPIT! Do you see it? Do you see it?
Steve:  It’s not in your armpit.
Steve: (Rolls eyes. Slaps his right arm.)
Me:  What was that? Why’d you slap yourself?
Steve:  The bug was on me. (Pretends to throw something out of the window)
Me:  What was that? What’d you just do?
Steve: It was the bug.
Me:  What? You should have shown me the carcass. I HAVE TO SEE A CARCASS! You know that without a carcass I don’t believe you even a little bit.
Steve:  What?
Me:  You faked that whole thing just to shut me up. YOU KNOW ME! You KNOW I always have to see a carcass as proof. There was no carcass. I’m SO on to you.
Steve:  (Silence….. Sigh.)

Sunday afternoon. Me sitting at table. Steve enters…
Steve: Have you seen that keychain that has a connector in the middle so you can take it apart and make it into 2 keychains?
Me: I don’t think so. All the keychains are in the junk drawer. Did you look in there? I don’t remember seeing one like that. When did you see it last?
Steve: Well, I got it when I lived in the mushroom apartments.
Me: Your apartment in college.
Steve: Yes.
Me: In 1989.
Steve: Yes.

Me: Well, I haven’t seen it. It’s probably wherever my Aqua net, neon headband collection and Poison tapes are. Have you looked there?

Monday. Evening. Driving home from PF Changs. Steve driving. Me in Passenger seat…
Me: Man, I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and not eat so much Changs.
Steve: (Silence)
Me: And then I’d go back and make out with young Elvis.
Steve: (Silence)
Me: And then probably go kill Hitler.

Steve: (Completely ignores me)

Me:  I’m so gonna build a freakin’ time machine.

Compasses. An Explanation.
So one day I mentioned that I didn’t really understand how compasses work. And I know, I know, I’m an idiot. Not for not knowing why compasses work. Cuz who the frick knows that besides (a) The people who make compasses, and (b) Nerds like Steve? I so should have known better. But as usual, I was just thinking out loud and I said it. So he’s like “Well, think about it a bit. How do you think compasses work?” So I said “Fairies and Leprechauns. Duh.” Then he said something about something being “ferrous” so I said “Bueller?” And he said “No” and then explained what ferrous meant. Which I of course don’t remember. Probably cuz I was thinking about that scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off where Ferris pretends to be Sloane’s dad. And he’s wearing the rain coat and hat and sunglasses. And when she goes out to the car he totally open-mouth kisses her, and Principal Rooney’s like What. Just. Happened. And then The Hub said something about oil and water and “Polar molecules” or something And I said “Like the North and South Pole?” And he said something about magnetization and I said “Wait. Are Polar bears freakin’ magnetized?” And he said “Well, it would depend on how many water molecules they have” And I said “So…it’s totally possible? Like, if I captured a Polar Bear I could stick it on the fridge? It could hold Ethan’s drawings up and try to kill us every time we tried to open the refrigerator? Which is THE BEST DIET EVER! I’m a mother-effing genius.”

Happy Anniversary Bee! 

Footnote: Last weekend while cleaning out something in his garage, The Hub found the keychain he had misplaced when he was 19. Amazing.

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4 Responses to “Most People Couldn’t Put Up With My Ridiculousness For 15 Minutes. But Some Weirdo Has Done It For 15 Years.”

  1. Lorri Davey Said:

    You are a mother-effing genius! Love it!

  2. Anonymous Said:

    I love you!

  3. Anonymous Said:

    L. M. F. A. O.!

  4. Brooke Ullman Said:

    Holy shit, great read. I actually cried laughing which NEVER happens.

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