June 28, 2011

I’m Not Dead, But My Brain Is.

I think this is my blog. I don’t know anymore. I have jet lag. And like The Hub said, “I don’t think you do jet lag very well.” Duh. The real question is….What DO I do well? Aside from kicking ass with ninja-esque precision and talking to dolphins with my mind…not much.

They say that you learn something new every day. And you know what? I totally believe that. Although I also believe that I forget about 37 things every day. So this really doesn’t help me a whole lot.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. Today I learned that staying awake for 30 hours straight is really not my thing. At least not unless it involves kidnapping hobos and harvesting their organs and delivering them in time to make any money at all. Time is money, and a person has to stay awake for that shit.

Or maybe I learned that yesterday. I kinda totally lost a day. Or a night. Whatever it was it sucks balls.

But anyways, the reason I’m posting this in my altered state, is just to let you guys know that the reason I’ve been MIA is cuz I was in Maui. And you regular readers know the drill: The Hub doesn’t like me to talk about where I’m going before I go. Or before he goes. Or whatever. Because he knows as well as I do that at some point I’m most likely gonna end up in some weirdo’s trunk. And I think he’s just trying to keep me from making the taking and placing of me in that trunk, just a little harder. He’s all sweet and helpful like that.

And for some reason when I got off the plane at 5:30 this morning, my stomach was bloated so huge that I looked like a had a beach ball under my clothes. And it hurt like balls. And I was thinking that I may be pregnant with one of those Twilighty vampire babies that grows really fast. Cuz when I went to the bathroom on the plane, I was totally kicking ass at the whole pee-hover thing until we hit just enough turbulence to make me fall and my ass touched the seat. And I think I heard somewhere that vampire pregnancy can be transmitted through toilet seats. Or maybe that was the herps. Like I said, I’m a bit foggy today.

But when I got home I realized that I just had gas. Crisis averted. Thank God. Because if there’s anything that I want less than another baby, it’s a sparkly giant baby that can kill people.

That would kinda suck hard, you guys.

So anyways, I was gone for awhile but now I’m back. And I’m sorry to all my new readers who got here just before I disappeared for a week. My summer writing can be sporadic. Mainly because I’m drunk a lot I’m busy building homes for the poor.

Anyways…I’ll tell you a few things about my trip later. You know, after I get some sleep. But for now, here is a photo of me resting in a giant marble leaf:

And a photo of me planking a rock:

And this is me in a flight suit, channeling Tom Cruise from way back when we all thought he was cool:

More on that later…

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2 Responses to “I’m Not Dead, But My Brain Is.”

  1. Lola Said:

    I’m a new fan. I just love that you say “suck balls” frequently. And clearly we both have a Zombie fetish. If you like to use the word “twatwaffle” or “douchecanoe” we may be twins separated at birth.

  2. Patti Ford Said:

    Douche-wagon…..and yes twatwaffle. Amongst other things. We will get along great, you and me.

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