May 4, 2011
Can we please, for the love of Rudd, all agree that we ARE NOT going to do this? Okay? Last summer I was all up in arms about these stupid things, and this summer I thought for sure they wouldn’t be back. But they are back. Like hemorrhoids. Or herpes. Or Madonna. And as I’ve said before, rompers are for girls who have yet to get their monthly visitors or grow boobies. They are not, under any circumstances, for adults. Well, unless you’re in prison. Or you’re a mechanic. Or you’re filming a re-make of Three’s Company. Or you just rode a sweet-ass Delorean back to 1975. Plus, if you wear a romper and have to pee you have to get totally nude. Unless these have crotch snaps. Which they might. I’m not sure. Cuz believe it or not I’m not in the business of investigating the crotches of pants at Macy’s. But only because I’ve never thought of it until now. Not because I’m too ladylike for crotch investigations. And ladies, crotch snaps are only for kids that still wear diapers and hookers who are really obsessed with speed, but aren’t into skirts. And I assume those speedy hookers are getting paid by the job and not by the hour. Which is really stupid of them.
When I was a hooker If I were a hooker, I would charge by the hour and wear something with lots of lace-up corsets, and buckles, and petticoats, and layers and layers of fabric, and start the clock before I started undressing so by the time I was naked I’d have already made a ton of money, and then once I was actually naked I still wouldn’t be naked because I’d have my Wonder Woman costume tattoo by then so I’d be like “Ha!” and the John would get pissed and try not to pay me but I’d totally lasso him and then let my Pimp kick his ass. And anyways, I know I’ve mentioned this before, but Drag Queens LOVE to wear rompers. After spending endless hours on hair removal, make-up, hair styling and weenie-tucking, I think it’s just easy to pull on a romper. Drag Queens are still men. At least partially. And men are all about simple. Rompers are like the Pert 2-in-one of clothing. Easy Peasy George and Weasy. Plus, they leave a little room in the crotch for a couple of balls.
So in conclusion: If I see any of you wearing one of these, we’re gonna have a talk. Before which I will take photos of you that will be posted on this blog. And unlike that pussy Glamour Magazine, I will not put a black box over your face. I’m doing this for the public. I’m all community servicey like that. Why I don’t have some kind of trophy or medal or key to the friggin’ city is beyond me, and you should all probably get off your asses and write The Mayor some letters about that.
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