May 4, 2011

Just Say No Or I’ll Totally Embarrass The Hell Out Of You. Oh Wait…You’ve Done That Yourself.

Can we please, for the love of Rudd, all agree that we ARE NOT going to do this? Okay? Last summer I was all up in arms about these stupid things, and this summer I thought for sure they wouldn’t be back. But they are back. Like hemorrhoids. Or herpes. Or Madonna. And as I’ve said before, rompers are for girls who have yet to get their monthly visitors or grow boobies. They are not, under any circumstances, for adults. Well, unless you’re in prison. Or you’re a mechanic. Or you’re filming a re-make of Three’s Company. Or you just rode a sweet-ass Delorean back to 1975. Plus, if you wear a romper and have to pee you have to get totally nude. Unless these have crotch snaps. Which they might. I’m not sure. Cuz believe it or not I’m not in the business of investigating the crotches of pants at Macy’s. But only because I’ve never thought of it until now. Not because I’m too ladylike for crotch investigations. And ladies, crotch snaps are only for kids that still wear diapers and hookers who are really obsessed with speed, but aren’t into skirts. And I assume those speedy hookers are getting paid by the job and not by the hour. Which is really stupid of them. When I was a hooker If I were a hooker, I would charge by the hour and wear something with lots of lace-up corsets, and buckles, and petticoats, and layers and layers of fabric, and start the clock before I started undressing so by the time I was naked I’d have already made a ton of money, and then once I was actually naked I still wouldn’t be naked because I’d have my Wonder Woman costume tattoo by then so I’d be like “Ha!” and the John would get pissed and try not to pay me but I’d totally lasso him and then let my Pimp kick his ass. And anyways, I know I’ve mentioned this before, but Drag Queens LOVE to wear rompers. After spending endless hours on hair removal, make-up, hair styling and weenie-tucking, I think it’s just easy to pull on a romper. Drag Queens are still men. At least partially. And men are all about simple. Rompers are like the Pert 2-in-one of clothing. Easy Peasy George and Weasy. Plus, they leave a little room in the crotch for a couple of balls.
So in conclusion: If I see any of you wearing one of these, we’re gonna have a talk. Before which I will take photos of you that will be posted on this blog. And unlike that pussy Glamour Magazine, I will not put a black box over your face. I’m doing this for the public. I’m all community servicey like that. Why I don’t have some kind of trophy or medal or key to the friggin’ city is beyond me, and you should all probably get off your asses and write The Mayor some letters about that.
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11 Responses to “Just Say No Or I’ll Totally Embarrass The Hell Out Of You. Oh Wait…You’ve Done That Yourself.”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    I have a romper and I like rompers! So does your next door neighbor! They are comfortable and like a dress that does not show your crotch! ;)Les

  2. Patti Ford Said:

    I know. I’ve seen you both wearing them. Lisa knows my position. And girl, that’s why Drag Queens wear them…they don’t have to tuck so tight. It’s all roomy in the crotch. They are hideous. I speak from the heart. (I still heart u)

  3. Love and Puppies, Christy Said:

    Haha. I think rompers are cool too!

  4. Patti Ford Said:

    Who ARE you people! Sure, they were cool. So were The Bee Gee’s, Pong, and Mork from Ork suspenders.

  5. Laura Said:

    Rompers are totally ridiculous. I own three. But I only wear them at home, and of course, Walmart- Home of the Romper.

  6. The Femats Said:

    I bought one last summer because I was trying be all trendy and sh#t. Still haven’t worn it. I look ridiculous in it and my hubby does not like it.

  7. Theresa Muenzel Said:

    I saw someone wearing one this weekend at an amusement park, I was thinking to myself WTF is that thing?!?! Then she got onto a ride and lets say the romper didn’t hold up!

  8. Patti Ford Said:

    Awesome! You’re so lucky to have witnessed that. What a moron.

  9. Anonymous Said:

    JLo has “rocked” some funky ones on AI this yr. and on Ellen yesterday…what is the point of being so gorgeous and dressing like a baby??

  10. Patti Ford Said:

    You are preaching to the choir. So stupid. Although I would almost pay to see Ellen wear one.

  11. Heather Said:

    K, so I totally agree that rompers are…well…babyish…and of course that is totally cool if you are into the whole diaper/baby fetish thing..this was until the other day though…I saw this chick (she was like Betty Page hawt) rockin’ a was a tight romper..not loose or saggy..there is a point in my rambling nonsense…they look hawt on SOME people…on others? NOT so much…like on you..they would totally be Sandy (not Sandra D)-GREASE hawt! I am e-triple dog daring you to go buy one,put it on, take a pic, post it and blog about it (you could leave the tags on it so as to not waste your money! That is the Wal-Mart way!) <3

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