May 24, 2011

Holy Crap Balls!

I’m freaking out! But really, what else is new? Only this time I’m freaking out about something besides medical stuff, poop stuff, vaginal stuff, spider stuff, monkey stuff, crow stuff, and whatever other completely ridiculous things I’m usually freaking out about. This time I’m freaking out cuz my new blogger friend Nikki, from Moms Who Drink And Swear, put a link to my blog on her page, and in the span of about 5 seconds I got super-popular-er than I was before. Like, WAY more popular. I not only got about a bazillion hits on my blog, but a kajillion nice emails and a quadrillion new FB friends. I kinda always thought I was an attention whore, but I realize now that when I gets the attention, it kinda freaks me out.

And poor Nikki is still waiting for me to pick her up day before yesterday in my hamburger time machine that I haven’t finished building yet. Sorry, Nikki. Like I said, I need parts. And now you’ve gone and made me so busy answering emails from these amazingly nice people, that I haven’t had time to work on my Time Burger. But don’t worry, I’ll still pick you up day before yesterday. Someday. And we’ll rock the sesame seeds right offa my bun hood.

But for now I’m feeling pressure because I have soooo many more readers than I ever expected, and I don’t wanna bore your pants off. But if by boring you I could actually, literally, make your pants come off, I might wanna do that. Cuz that would be really super awesome. Not that I’m a pervert or anything. I’m not planning to touch your junk (boys) or your secret gardens (girls) if they do come off. I just wanna laugh at you. Although, truth be told, I did touch my road trip friend’s crotch last weekend. But that was harmless. And not lesbiany. And I was just acting something out. And I asked her first. And she said yes. Which is probably not normal of her.

And by the way, I was on a roadtrip last week. Which is why I’ve been MIA. And you know that I love you guys and I tell you almost everything, but The Hub kinda gets irritated when I announce my whereabouts or his out of town-abouts because he is trying to be protective of me getting myself all murdered and crap. Which is very sweet. And also why I didn’t tell you guys I was leaving.

Anyways, a big fat welcome to all my new readers. Thank you for finding my nonsense entertaining. It honestly amazes me that anyone wants to read it. But not as much as it amazes The Hub. He’s been rolling his eyes at my shenanigans for years, and now I have all these really smart, really awesome people who WANT to hear my stupid stories. So, you know, that really gives me some good ammo to use against him if I get the feeling I’m boring him. Which totally happens about a hundred times a day. Unless I’m talking about graphs. If I got all graphy up in here, he’d be all ears. Maybe next time I’m feelin’ frisky, I’ll dim the lights, put on some Oak Ridge Boys, pour some wine, and talk about graphs. Maybe I could get myself some graph underwear. Or a graph bra.

I have no idea why I said Oak Ridge Boys. I’m pretty sure they’re not sexy. Unless you’re name is Mildred and you’re, like, 80. Sometimes I type things before I even know what I’m saying. I’m not normal, you guys. At all.

So to all my new people, you’ve obviously got some issues if you’re into this kinda thing, but people with issues are my kinda people. And just an FYI: If you subscribed to my blog through Feedburner, it sometimes sucks balls. It will send you a confirmation email and if you don’t get it, check your bulk mail or spam or whatever you have. You have to click on a link in that before you start getting my stuff in your inbox. If nothing works, email me and we’ll figure it out. Or just consider it a sign from The Universe that you should stay away from me. Whatever.

And since I’ve suddenly got the attention of so many awesome people, I’d like to tell you all to read my friend Laura’s blog, Fetch My Flying Monkeys. She is hilarious and I kinda want to marry her just a little bit. As soon as it’s legal here. So go check her out. I’m totally paying it forward like that kid who saw dead people in that one movie did in that other movie with the guy who was Keyser Soze and the chick who was the girl who Tom Hanks was supposed to marry in Castaway before he went and got all castawayed and fell in love with a ball and she married some other guy and broke his heart.

That’s hows I roll.

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3 Responses to “Holy Crap Balls!”

  1. shawna Said:

    i’m hooked chick, LOL

  2. pinwheelsandpoppies Said:

    You had me at vaginal.

  3. maranda Said:

    And this would be how I became your stalker..

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