April 28, 2011

Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch The Royal Wedding

Count my split ends.
Trim my toenails with a chainsaw.
Get felt up by Edward Scissorhands.
Take a shower with a bunch of Mogwai’s.
French kiss a hobo.
Do Maths.
Wake up next to an empty bottle of tequila, 2 donkey’s, a dwarf, carrot top, & a live-streaming web cam.
Get kidnapped by Jigsaw.
Dry hump the entire cast of Jersey Shore.
Go to a Celine Dion concert.
Watch a marathon of Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s.
Have jumper cables attached to my nipples.
Run my fingers through the hair of: Donald Trump, Amy Winehouse and Adam Duritz.
Give up guacamole. Beer. Shaving my legs. The internets. Drag Queens.
Be one of Charlie Sheen’s Goddesses.
Watch the director’s cut of Eat Pray Love. And the bonus footage. In French.
Have a threesome with Charles and Camilla.
Trade liver’s with Lindsay Lohan.
Re-live The Chick-Fil-A Bathroom Incident of ’07.
Lick a battery. Again.
Give birth again.
Use a menstrual cup.
Eat everything Bear Grylls has ever eaten.
Get a colonic. With bleach.
Listen to John Denver music. On a loop. For a month.
Cut my entire lawn with preschool scissors.
P-Hug a porcupine. Naked.
Be stranded on a desert island with Susan Boyle. And she thinks she is in a musical, so instead of talking, she can only sing.
Be stranded on a desert island with Ann Coulter after she realizes that she is a lesbian.
Be stranded on a desert island with Hugh Heffner and a bucket of viagra.

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6 Responses to “Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch The Royal Wedding”

  1. painting workshop Said:

    I guess there a lot of things that other people would do other than watch the wedding. Thanks for sharing this!…Daniel

  2. Anonymous Said:

    Get felt up by Edward Scissorhands. – my all time favorite

  3. Anonymous Said:

    I died when I got the Celine Dion concert! I laughed I cried. You are so funny! Love you! I just read your blog on eat pray love, and now this! You are my people!

  4. Bele Said:

    Wake up next to an empty bottle of tequila, 2 donkey’s, a dwarf, carrot top, & a live-streaming web cam. This made me laugh so much it hurt.

  5. Anonymous Said:

    You rock~ My total inspiration to keep my sarcastic mouth on me… and move through life as me. Kids drive us to this point, they truly do!

    Keep up the good work!! Thanks again!

  6. Loni Schiavone Said:

    I agree with this and the Super Bowl! Had me laughing hysterically!

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