April 25, 2011

Patti’s Tips For Hookers

There’s a serial killer on the loose and he’s targeting hookers.

Someone has got to protect the hookers.

That’s where I come in.

I’m like Batman for hos.

Except I’m a girl, I don’t have a bat suit, and I can’t fly.

Wait.

Can Batman fly? Or is that just Superman?

And if he can’t fly, isn’t that a bit ridiculous?

I mean, bats fly and he’s Batman.

Superman flies and he doesn’t even have a flying animal in his name.

I’m not into the comic books, but I do know that even if he doesn’t fly, Batman still seems much cooler that Superman. He has that rad costume, that sweet ass Batmobile, a disturbingly devoted butler, an attractive gay lover named Robin, and a spurned ex named the Joker. Plus, he looks just like Christian Bale. And yes, Bale seems like he’s probably a total a-hole, but I don’t care because he looks like Christian Bale. Well, except in that movie with Mark Wahlberg where he’s a boxer who’s addicted to meth or something. He’s pretty fucking ugly in that.

BUT ANYWAY…like I said, I’m trying to protect the hookers.

I’ve made this list of hooker safety tips, i.e. How To Hook With Your Brains, Not Just Your Vaginas.

Please forward this to all of your hooker homies.

Their lives probably depend on it.

(1) Stop advertising on Craig’s List. It never turns out well. Unless you like getting all kinds of murdered and stuff.

(2) Stop being lazy and get yourself a work ethic. Hookers are supposed to walk the streets. It’s tradition. Stop looking for shortcuts.

(3) Wear the biggest stilettos you can find. (a) It’s a well-known fact that John’s like whorey shoes, and (b) The right heel can double as a weapon if a John turns out to need a good stabbing.

(4) Work over-time for awhile until you can afford some karate lessons. If lessons in your area are too costly, just spend $10.00 and buy The Karate Kid on DVD. Make sure it’s the 1984 Ralph Macchio version and not that piece of shit with Will Smith’s weird kid. Totally ignore Ralph and his bullshit until the end, because for the first hour and a half he’s a total pussy. During that time, keep your eyes on Johnny. Yes, the dude is a totally dick hole, but he knows his shit. I’ve used his sweep the leg move a few times myself and it’s a GD winner. Once Ralph gets it together at the end and starts acting like a badass, make it a priority to learn his Crane Kick. Although probably not as practical or effective as sweeping the leg, it will make you look crazy enough that a murdery John will get outta your kicking radius tout suite.

(5) Spend your down time watching Lifetime Television for Women. That channel’s programming consists entirely of movies about hookers and murder, with a few drug addicted mom and stolen baby movies thrown in for good measure. Learn from Tori Spelling’s mistakes. My God, someone has to.

(6) Don’t drink or do drugs. It’s such a cliche. I know you want to make everything blurry in order to forget the fact that you’re letting a 400 pound ugly dude with a third nipple and a foot fetish give you big toe butt sex, but you need to stay alert. A drugged-out hooker is a dead hooker. You can’t get all Chuck Norris on some John’s balls  if you’re high as a kite. If you need to get yourself to la la land while getting pounded by a smelly John, take some yoga classes and practice meditation. When I am doing something I don’t wanna do, I go to a place called Pattitopia. It’s better than Xanadu because it has Paul Rudd and Unicorns. But get your own happy place because you can’t come to mine.

(7) Never go with the guys in the fancy cars. Rich guys are douchebags. Look at Donald Trump and Kanye West. And 9 times outta 10 it’s the rich guys who want the weird stuff. If you go with the rich guy, be forewarned: He’s not gonna be Richard Gere and he’s not gonna give you thousands of dollars and a room at The Beverly Wilshire. Chances are he’s gonna wear a giant diaper and want you to spank him and shove your hand up his butt.

(8) Invest in a pimp. Yeah, them pimps get a bad rep, but you can turn the tables and take control of the situation. It’s 2011. The pimp works for you. He’s just there to be your assistant and your bodyguard. But make sure you make him wear one of those purple suits and a hat with the feather on top, because those are classy as shit.

(9) Take your time and be choosy when selecting your personal assistant/pimp (or PAP). Since you’ve probably never been to a job interview before, ya know, because you’re a ho and everything, you may wanna learn some interview skills by watching Barbara Walters and Diane Sawyer.

Ask your prospective Pimps the tough questions:

Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A: Fuckin’ a John up!
Q: If you were a tree what kind of tree would you be?
A: The kind that fucks a John up!
Q: What is your biggest strength?
A: My ability to fuck a John up!
Q: What is your biggest weakness?
A: That I have to sleep, which takes away from time I could be
fuckin’ a John up! But when I do sleep I’m dreamin’ about fuckin’ a John up!

(10) Do not advertise for your Pimp on Craig’s List. (See Tip #1)

Good luck, ladies.

It’s hard out there for a ho.

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18 Responses to “Patti’s Tips For Hookers”

  1. Anonymous Said:

    One of the best blogs yet!

  2. Patti Ford Said:

    Well Thank You Anonymous! Whenever I totally pull a blog out of my ass someone always says that. So I guess I need to slack off more often!

  3. The Femats Said:

    Hilarious! Very entertaining as usual…

  4. Patti Ford Said:

    Thank you, Femats.

  5. Anonymous Said:

    I have former Face Book friend that needs this advice. If I cared that she keeps living, that is…

  6. Jessica Said:

    OMG – that was so so so funny!!! I’m totally sharing with all my hooker friends! Thanks, Patti 🙂

  7. Nikki Said:

    Oh my Gah, I <3 you. Hilarious.

  8. Susan Said:

    I am so excited about our upcoming trip to Disney!

  9. Bele Said:

    I wonder how many hookers have actually read this and gone “Dayum, shoulda had this advice out there when I started.” That would have made this even better. Imma send it to a few friends and see how many of those skanks say that 🙂 Thanks!!

  10. Defreezio Said:

    I want to make out with your brain. FACT.

  11. Anonymous Said:

    Thank you for saving my life. I took your advice and I’ve been promoted to MADAM!! So do you have any advice I can use for my new position? and what is there after Madam…I think i want to be a pimp. Can a hooker turned Madam be a pimp or is there a Step I missed? Sorry about the misspelled words and gramatical errors.. im writing this as my “client” suck on my toes….(one of my girls called in sick)…Madame E

  12. Cynthia Said:

    This comment left for you in February was actually funnier than the post, which was pretty fucking funny:

    I am so excited about our upcoming trip to Disney!

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha Whut?

  13. MIchelle Said:

    Lol i loved this! You always cheer my day up. Thank you

  14. Anonymous Said:

    Freaking awesome advise!!! I love you!!! Lol

  15. Erk Said:

    I’m training for a life in male prostitution. I can crack walnuts with my butt oxen but practice is leaving me with splintery nut pieces in my pants and this goddamn squirrel won’t stop following me everywhere. Any advice? 🙁

  16. Anonymous Said:

    Hilarious. Goes great with coffee and early mornings!

  17. Anonymous Said:

    I love you! You made my day.

  18. Anonymous Said:

    lmao roflmao oh man this is to freakin funny

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